Sunday, January 30, 2005

Esspresso

Cafe´ Driade caramel latte and ipod on shuffle...
It was raining, and it was so peaceful just to think. I love weekends when you don't have anything to do. But time goes by so fast. 3 months this week since I saw Green Day that means about three months since my first kiss and the election...And those small strings of memories. Like me walking my dog with Nina, while she tells me about the kids from my school dressing up as pirates on halloween. 1 month since Christmas... I used to live more in the past, which I kind of regret. Sitting in coffee shops really clear my mind.

That reminds me I had my first Espresso the other day. I felt very cool. I sound stupid when I say that and I think I say it a lot. When I do things I have to back them up with me adding... it made me feel very cool. Until a few days ago Hannah looks at me and says "You like feeling cool don't you?" So i've tried to stop, if you know what I mean.

Georgia just called me and we talked.

Awkward run in with Ben at costo though...

It was the best latte i've ever had. Ever. I've decided I need to spend more times in coffee shops. People are more interesting there. I have a group of pictures I wanted to post... They were took in Canada and I don't know where else to put them, or what to do with them.

my town


my town


my town


my town


my town


My boys :) I love them... *sigh* ok shit I have to work on homework. 5 chapters to read and I promised Michael i'd reply to his email... And I just read this entry and I hate it... the next one will be better. I really just wanted to post these pictures.

Dru:Hey look it's a red bird!
Me: Aw, its so pretty
D: yeah
M:We look so quaint

Saturday Night

Ah.. Math class... "Hey What are you doing today Rebecca?"
"Um tonight I think i'm going to fencing if..."
"Hey,What are you doing today Rebecca?"
"I told you I'm probably going to fencing tonight..."
"Hey!!! What are you going to do today Rebecca?
"Oh!!! Whatever I feel like I want to do Gosh!"

"Dru give me some of your tots..."
"No I'm hungry!"

"Will you bring me my chap stick?"
"Eww gross, gosh!"

And my personal favorite... "Your mom goes to college!"

Napoleon sound board

Oh wow that movie needs to die already...

Its only Saturday and I miss people... not school, no. People. My parents are asleep and they have been since 9. There is nothing to do in my house.

Right now... Its already 11:30, I'm writing to a blog that no one reads, I'm talking to 4 people on IM, My parents,brother,and dog are all asleep. The later one on my pillow. My internet access isn't working very well, it's sleeting outside. My room is the messiest its been in awhile, and I'm tired. Fucking tired...

Probably seeing the Coma's on the tenth at the cradle... People should come I really don't want to be there all by myself. I'll burn someone the cd if they want to go! It's really great!

So stupid thing... I watched Win a Date With Tad Hamilton last night with Nina. There's this one part when Topher Grace (suddenly find myself loving him! He's perfect perfect... god i'm so lame. Its like when I swore to myself I didn't think Orlando Bloom was hot until I saw Pirates ... forgive me i'm tired ) is going to profess his love to Kate. And he's in her room and they're both like I need to tell you something. Topher lets her go first and she tells him she's going with Tad... and Topher is so close to not telling her. You hate it because you think he wont tell her right? Typical romantic comedy moment. Then, Then, he does this nod of the head and puts his hands in the air and is like, "actually there is something," and then he kisses her. But its not one of those kisses that are huge and romantic. It was different, better, cuter, sweeter. For some weird reason, Oh wow tomorrow i'm going to regret telling everyone about my thoughts... shit i'm so tired. So for this weird reason this kiss really stayed with me. I kept thinking about it and replaying it in my mind until the movie was over. I made Nina watch it again though she didn't want to. Then I kept thinking about it. So later today I found movie shots, frozen ones and I found the kiss. I stared at if for awhile trying to figure out what it was about it. What I kind of realized is that I want that. Maybe I just want Topher Grace which is completely possible...or I want a guy like that... or no... I want a kiss like that? Or maybe its none of that. Its just this once shot keeps sitting in my mind trying to be understood. all right, well i'll leave you with me making an ass out of myself. Maybe i'll speculate about it more later... and does anyone know what i'm talking about?

Friday, January 28, 2005

Dreams last so long...

I'm sitting in my school library during Spanish Class. I have a brochure to do but I can't do it. Not right now. I'm listening to Jewel and hoping this Jewel faze will end soon. It's fun to write when you feel like you could 'get in trouble' any second. The assistant Librarian comes in every few seconds to check if were working. None of us are but she doesn't know. She's a sweet woman. No one gets along with her except me. We bond over the O.C. every week.
"Hands' Is playing on repeat. I turn it up a little higher.
Some first years are trying to read what I'm writing. Molli asked me a few minutes ago who I was writing to. I paused, looked at her and didn't respond. That's really unlike me... I feel guilty now.
It's almost three... which means class is over. My advisee area is in the Library so I don't really have to go anywhere. I have to stack the chairs in the fish bowl though. Shit, do you see what our school is like?
Miyoshi is jumping up and down behind me.
Deep Water has started to play. I bought "You were meant for me" last night. It's terrible, I love it. My mom is going through the same faze. See, See? This is what's wrong with me.
Maxine just turned the lights out. I have fifteen more minutes until I have to go.
A few days ago our grade went on a field trip to 'Eyes Wide Open' an exabition about the war. The Friends Service committee put it together. It was a room full of boots. One for every soldier who died. Georgia and Sam were supposed to Make out that day so I was a little preoccupied.
Jeramies coming in to say hi! I like her. She knows more spanish then me.
The gallery was nice, I guess. I don't know if that's what I should say. Nice? It was moving, no it wasn't. It was a good experience. I'm glad we went. But attached to the nice(?) room with all the boots there was another discussing the war. It had boots of another soldier, and letters written by families/ soldiers. The room also had statistics how much we spend on the war ect.
Just got a Hershey's kiss yum...
It should have just been the shoes. The other room was preaching. Don't get me wrong I am completely against the Iraq war. One hundred percent against it. But the friends committee was preaching to the converted. And to the converted, it was over the top. With them shoving all these facts and things about Haleberton you couldn't really appreciate what the meaning was. They meant to show you what you felt and instead you felt processed... taken advantage of. Reminds me of that movie in Law and Order we watched. The DARE one that i knew something was off about... Well It was all right. The buses were really fun. The way there we played BS which I haven't played forever. The way back hung out with Sam talking about Music. Molli had a magazine and us three sat in the first row.
Today during meeting for worship we talked about the "Eyes Wide Open' exhibit. Meeting for worship was all right... I didn't listen when people spoke. What I wonder is what other people are thinking about. We sit in silence for a half an hour and we all think different thoughts. I thought about my log and how I should be updating... and about what I was going to write. While I looked at everyone I really wanted to know what was in there heads. What was so important that they couldn't forget it for a few minutes. They sit there thinking and stressing and replaying. I know, i've been there. I say that as if you go through mental stages... but i guess its true in some ways. Jim took off his own shoes and put them in the center. Izzy followed and soon the room was swarming with kids standing and sitting. But only ten seconds later the room was quiet and in the middle about 100 pairs of shoes sat there. And all I could think was how fucking exciting it must have been for each kid to stand up and put their shoes in the middle. To show everyone that they think this is cool and they care.
Dru and I felt really guilty that we didn't stand up. We were about to but it quieted down and we got scared.
I'm home now if you didn't guess. Banana bread is in the oven, i'm hungry and waiting for Nina to call about seeing a movie. My tea is cold now... and i'm cold. Georgia just spent the last hour telling me about what other people said to her. I have no problem with this.I asked her to tell me. I just think its interesting. And yet, Jewel is still playing........

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Excuse me

It's taking me every ounce of strength to not write today. I've given in to the addiction though....
My window is broken.

The dad was mumbling..."So I heard this duck tape right? The ripping sound of the tape. And you know how Dixie cups when you pour things in them, what do they do?"
Nina responded quickly as if they had covered this subject before. "Move forward, oh so she,"
"Right!" He said, "I heard this duck tape and she had taped the cup down got out the milk,"
Every once in awhile Nina would add her "aww" or "ah!" of pretend interest then laugh smiling at the man.
"Then," He went on "She got out the milk and poured it and the cup didn't move. But, now the cup was taped to the table right?" He leaned his head back and let out a chuckle. "So I asked her what she was going to do next?"
"She didn't plan ahead," Nina was watching Ani and her attention was slowly fading.
"Excuse me?"
Nina turns to look at the dad, smiling. A bagel is in her hands and she plays with it lightly as she repeats. "She didn't plan ahead."
"No no!" The father laughs again his plate jiggles as he laughs. "I told her, how are you going to get that cup off the table? Then she opens the cabinet and pulls out a straw"
"Mm..." Nina smiles bigger than ever.
"She kept pouring more milk in until she was done, and I asked her, 'What are you going to do now?' And she says 'That's your problem.' I told her 'I don't think so.' I took care of it though and it took forever to get all that tape off. But I saved it in a box."
Nina looked up from her bagel still smiling. "A memory box?"
"Excuse me?"
"Save it in a memory box?"
"Yes, well only the things like that. Extraordinary don't you think?"
"Yes!"

Later Nina and I were in her kitchen... "God that was horrible I was trapped, did you see?"

While lying in Nina’s bed discussing Go Ask Alice, Hole was playing in the back round. They’re the perfect band for sitting in your room and turning the volume on your speakers so loud you can’t think anymore. I bought Celebrity Skin.

I bought Ben Kweller today. I’m going through an Elliot Smith, Ben Kweller, Ben Folds, Ryan Adams, kind of faze.

Tonight I turned up Jewel really loud. I sat on my floor taking my contacts out and singing along. I can’t stop listening to it now.


Saturday, January 22, 2005

Here Comes The Sun

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I've been hanging around my kitchen eating chinese food. Next week I promise my posts will be better than tonight's and yesterdays! I will be back to normal hopefully once all this homework is done and my grandmother has left. Don't give up hope!! I wish I could be writing every second but this weekend isn't giving me that option. It's hard because i'm already so used to being able to write like this every day.

Today we celebrated my mom's birthday. It was on Tuesday officially but we got presents today. My mom and brothers went out to a family birthday party so it ended up being me, dad, and grandma at home. I somehow became in charge of wrapping all the presents in my dad's study.

My dad listens to the classics. All the ‘classics’. Bob Dylan, Beatles, Aerosmith, Elton John, 10,000 maniacs, Steve Earl (obsessively). If it is counted on a top 100 artists list he listenes to them. I’ve tried to brouden his horizens but the farthest he’s gotten is buying Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and promising to listen to it. I have so many clear memories of riding in our old red Miada blasting Copperhead Road. Copperhead Road, god, such an amazing kick ass song. Those are the songs my dad listened to fifteen years ago, those are the songs my dad listens to now. It was all I knew and loved for most of my life. While sitting in my dad's study wrapping presents I opened the window and turned on the Music. The stuff I used to love listening to.

By the time Lynard Skynard had reached the Sweet Home Alabama chorus I was in to it. Go You're Own Way only made my mood better as I wrapped a few more. How brilliant these artists are, that they provoke such emotion in me. Every song reminded me of that one time when... They reminded me of things when I was little and could hear through the walls of my parent's room. Lying in my parent's bed reading as we all fell asleep to Joni Mitchell. Dream On being played on repeat on my dad's computer. I loved watching my mom's face light up as Candy Everybody Wants came on the radio. I loved watching my parents know these songs. If my parents knew them and loved them that much then they were cool. I felt as if me knowing them too would make me understand them better. I used to think that's why I enjoyed them. But tonight, as I was so joyful listening to these old songs I realized that wasn't the case. These songs have turned in to mine now. These are the songs that also make me smile along with my parents. Things like songs carry such burdens with them. Who knew that in three minutes I can replay my entire life with memories, just by hearing a tune. This is also the case with newer songs... but not in the same way. They touch me so deeply, and strongly compared to anything else. They grip my heart and make my mind race. Maybe i'm weak that way. That a song has so much control over the way I think. I don't know, maybe some philosophical meaning is coming from this. That me listening to These are the Days is a way to remember the childhood that is slowly slipping away. But I just don't think so somehow. I do know that I love these songs and they provoke a feeling I love.
I closed my eye's and sat on my dad's shelf letting Here Comes The Sun finish up. When the last note slowly ended I got up and pressed replay, just to hear it one more time.

Ok, this is my rambling. I've been working on this post slowly all night. I'm scared it makes no sense and is just a mess of words. For some reason i'm having difficulty conveying my emotions this weekend. I watched Shrek 2 tonight with some of my family. I wasn't paying much attention because supposedly I was working on my tip application when in reality I was writing about half of this. I kept plugging my ears trying to think of a word that would fit. That's why this entry is kind of broken I guess... or maybe it's just me.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Darkness

It's Friday. It's around 11 at night and I'm tired. My lights are out and i'm staring at my computer. The blinds are closed so I can't see the small blanket of snowflakes lying on the windowsill. I've gotten in a bad habit of coming home and sitting with my computer with the lights off. I write better, and think better when there's darkness.

I always want it to snow at night. If you look out the window behind our couch you can see the church next door. Everything is dark except the steeple which is lighted. That's the only way you can tell it's snowing. Last year Dad and I sat on the couch watching Iron Jawed Angels. When It started to snow I walked outside barefoot on our porch. Ian is always outside when its snowing with his other neighborhood friends. I remember standing outside and waving across the street. Then slowly sneaking back inside to finish the movie.

It's so much more peaceful at night. This is why last night I stayed up until it started to snow. I was the only one awake in my house and I waited. As if me seeing the first snowflake fall would make the snowfall that much better. When I finally saw the snow fall at around one it was great, and disappointing. It only snowed about half and inch, but I watched that half an inch snow in the street light next to our house. Then I went to bed about an hour later, pulling the covers close. I lay there for a moment before slowly drifting off.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Snow

It snowed today. The minute I walked outside to go to third period It started. By the beginning of fourth period it was starting to stick. It ended up being me and about six other kids standing outside in the middle of the road freezing. No one expected us to go to class.

I'm really not in the mood to write today.

No one told me it was going to snow which made it that much better. As if because of my bad day someone wanted to surprise me. That made me feel special for some reason. As if the snow was really only for me. And then I felt kind because I was letting other people play in my snow. Selfish right? That's the kind of mood i'm in.

I'm talking to Nina online now. We're talking about Blue Coffee Guy. I saw him today when I walked there in the snow. I think he was listening to Iron & Wine. For some reason however stupid it sounds I really want to be in his presence right now. He calms me down. Right now i'm not to calm.

And everything just keeps getting worse and worse. Seriously it was really great for about two months then suddenly it had to get bad really quickly. People assume and make it worse. No one knows exactly what i'm thinking. I think I kind of like that.

Dru and I were trying to get to the heater today in the annex. She lies down on her stomach next to it and I jump on top of her. For some reason it was really funny.

At lunch we all went up to the annex. Georgia can't eat in front of guys. When Sam walked in she had to hide her food as if she couldn't show that she was eating. I had brought my computer and a group of us sat on the couches and watched the snow, blasting random songs from itunes. Once in awhile I got lost in my thoughts. I think I was acting weird. That's because everything felt wrong. The couch was really warm though. Ben was also very warm, I made him sit next to me.

Anna's mom drove us home early.

Last night I was taking this take home grammar test. Rachel had written sentences about everyone in the Class. One of the ones with my name was...Sweet Rebecca slid on the slippery stone. For some reason the sentence made me really upset. I kept reading it over and over in my head. Letting the words mess in to each other.

I just realized my windows open. I'm getting up to close it. The damn thing is broken. Its so beautiful outside. That makes me really happy. I still feel like the snow was for me. Haha, I think tomorrow wont be to bad. I'm sitting here in the dark grinning. I really have to study for my Romeo and Juliette test. I'll actually write tomorrow, or not. My grandmas coming, it's my mom's make up birthday, I have fencing, and the O.C. is on. So then again maybe not.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Mini Einstein

The other day I was in the Regulator and happen to pick up this book. I thought it was great and fell even more in love with it when the author mentioned The Super Furry Animals as the best underrated band from England. The book is Minipops and is full of famous people drawn really, really small. As in Einstein here. :)

my town


Craig Robinson also has a great website... Flip Flop Flyin. Which is great when you have a few hours to blow off. It's full of tiny drawings and cartoons and other cool unusual things that make you smile really big and think, this is the best thing ever.

Tonight I played Fire and Rain on repeat until I couldn't handle it any more. I've had a hard week.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Hold him in the light

My school is fucked up. Seriously, amazingly, wonderfully, fucked up. We have school on Martin Luther King day for a fine reason. Instead of slacking off and hanging around we will celebrate the person for which the holiday is named after. Its a nice idea and we only have a half day any ways. No classes, only an entire school celebration.

Me and about seven other kids today were presenting about MLK jr. and other influential black voices. There we stood a group of four boys four girls. One black all the rest very very white. And we're all singing and snapping along to a rap that two of the boys wrote. And I look at Dru who's up there with me and she's laughing and I'm smiling and the audience starts to clap and laugh. Ryan who wrote half of the rap is dancing with a microphone. His feet move back in forth and he's getting in to it. Henry's clogs are working hard as the little kids look up in awe. This is the problem, at everyone of these school things I have the same feeling. It's one of complete and utter longing to never leave that moment. It's a moment that everyone is getting along. I'm not watching someone hoping or ignoring anyone. I close my eyes for half a second and bite my lower lip. Trying to savor the taste of this group of people. The kids, the parents, the teachers, all mix together beautifully. The rap finished and we continue. Everything is fine until Ryan comes to his quote. "when all of god's children-black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles..." He pauses looks up. He did nothing wrong but soon the entire room erupts. And the 8 of us standing on the stage have completely lost focus. Our entire thing has stopped so we could laugh at something Ryan didn't even say. It seemed a lot longer than it actually was. All of us and the crowd gasping for breath. Finally he starts again with much difficulty. "Catholics and Protestants-will..."

Dru got to read my favorite quote from King. Whenever I watch him deliver his Promise land speech I get goose bumps. However stupid that sounds... I think It is the most beautiful speech of his. She was reading that last part maybe i'll post it in sometime. And I wasn't thinking about King, or about school, or about all the memories I usually remember. Instead I was just laughing and smiling just because. Because were all fucked up, and were all hanging around knowing how fucked up and amazing and great what we've got is.

Dru pauses and Samantha says sadly, but with a hint of hope, "He was assassinated the next day." Another pause and then we snap three times and start in to the chorus of the rap....

Walk this way says doctor king
We wont stop till we hear the freedom bells ring
He Sacrificed his life for what he knew was right
That's why today we hold him in the light


-Rebecca

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Quaint

Don't tell me. I know this is my second post today but not really because the other one I wrote yesterday so ha!

my town

I hope that picture works too. Bet it wont I still need to practice that.
Last.fm. My little page Everyone still has to respect me though even after they see I listen to some guilty pleasures. hehe :)

You know how it is... right Georgia's blog.

I found some other really great ones. I'll put them on my Blog roll later or post them once I get around to it. I might just edit this post though.

I have this really bad habit of saying quaint. I used it wrongly today and I realized I had to cut back on using it. I also realized I should find out what it actually means.

quaint  adj. quaint·er, quaint·est
1.Charmingly odd, especially in an old-fashioned way: “Sarah Orne Jewett... was dismissed by one critic as merely a New England old maid who wrote quaint, plotless sketches of late 19th-century coastal Maine” (James McManus).
2.Unfamiliar or unusual in character; strange: quaint dialect words. See Synonyms at strange.
3. Cleverly made; artful.

Ok so when I said my bagel "looked quaint" This morning I was half right. It did look a tiny bit artfull. Ok i've got to work bye.
-Rebecca

Midnight

I really just wanted to post something at midnight. I thought it would be fun. So I guess its the 16th, neat.

Leo


I miss canada so much I'm also not sure if the picture worked. Well whatever. I made biscotti tonight. I ate to much of it and felt really sick. I love ... Dru would be laughing at me now and I like that.... Sleep. I love sleep. Or sheep, I love sheep too. And I love how Jim didn't want to be a dictator... ok ok I'm tired i'm rambling.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Growing up

So I think we have a problem. My posts are getting really long. I'll try to cut back I promise. However Cliché it sounds I would really love if people maybe commented. I made it so you don't have to be a member. Haha, my wishful thinking no one comes here any ways. It's just me alone.

My mom asked today if she could read my blog. I was talking about blogger and I said something about my blog. She turned to me surprised and asked, "Wait you have a blog?" "Yes" "Do I get to see it?" And I paused looking at her. We were driving to pick my brother up. "Um, I don't know. Maybe sometime." I think she was a little hurt. But I hide some things from my mom. Not big things, just small things I hide from everyone. Showing her some of it would be opening my own door a little more. Since i've been thinking about it I realized if she ever does read it she isn't allowed to talk about it. I mean I guess she could say something nice but she can't say sorry about something she does. I don't want to talk I just want to get it out. (though I still would love comments!) It doesn't really matter but I realized today the only place where I feel I have real privacy is in my bathroom. So I snuck in there today and locked the door. I then sat down in the shower with my computer. The internet connection wasn't very good but suddenly I could breath. My bathroom is blue, well the shower has blue tiles and It was colder and more relaxing. I think I might have to start sneaking in there more often.

I was in a really good mood tonight because I drunk about a glass and a half of wine. Suddenly, I don't know why i'm having this huge fear of growing up. I mean actually growing up. I long for college. But, growing up is terrifying. Once you get to a certain age you are expected to get married and have children who you love. I am expected to have a good paying job and a nice house. I don't want that. Maybe, probably one day I will. My mom told me that all day. While we were making cookies I started to stress. I'm scared i'm going to be a terrible mother. I have not patience and I used to love Leo and Oliver more than I do now. They bore me and annoy me a large percent of the time. I can't stand to sit while someone throws up. I look at my mom who is the hardest working woman I know and she does pretty darn well with four children. While I was writing that actually I just got rudely interrupted by my father who called me down to help with my brothers. My mom went out to get coffee and the twins are screaming and having trouble breathing. Fun! So after an hour I escaped back upstairs. See?? I'm not going to have children for a very long time. I am going to try every thing to prevent it. I want to do so much with my life and growing up is what everyone does. I want to be different, though I know their isn't really a way. I do want kids and i'm sure i'll want to get married one day. But already I'm one of the few people I know my age who doesn't want a boyfriend. It's is so pointless right now and I don't know. Maybe this will be another post one day. So, today I realized that growing up is hellish and I am going to be a terrible mother. I also really hate how safe it is. I can't have a job where I sit all day. I have to be able to actually have fun with my life. I'm scared of what will happen to me? Where will I go in thirty years.
Lets see... Weird. Fuck I feel like nothing is happening in my life. That’s ok, its just that I wish I could get out of this rut. I wish that .... oh wow i'm not going to go in to it. I know exactly what I want but some things I want to keep just for me.

I'm really loving the strokes today. I also have Daisy Duke-Rooney stuck in my head along with the entire Rooney album. Please god help me.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Some neat sites

Some sites i've fallen upon

If you haven't seen why crossfire got canceled then please...Jon on Crossfire

Swimming around in a submarine whats more fun than that?

And my favorite of all of these...Come Clean! Wash away your sins!


Last three thanks to www.milkandcookies.com

Today it seems as if no one can fucking hear anything. Everyone is repeating and mumbling and not being clear. I hate sitting in my room and hearing people repeat things over and over and over. And listening to the phone ring over and over and no one ever picks the damn thing up.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Tsunami souls

Today we had a meeting for worship to remember the Tsunami victims. Dru and I trundled in a little late. We were being loud and we sat down intrusively. Jim talked about the Tsunami awhile but I have to admit I didn't really listen. Meeting for worships once in awhile have a really weird effect on me. I don't know, I think maybe because I was sick this week I had a lot of time to think. So while I sat there today I closed my eyes, leaned back and really thought. I realized some very important things this week. Some of which I can't really put in to words. But, I really figured it out. The one that I was thinking about today while sitting there was about how I can really only talk to a few people. Seriously though, I can chat and discuss with a lot of people but however cliché it sounds I can't be myself around them. Ok so this is stupid teenage mumbling sure, but I know who I really am and I know who I am around other people. Three people I can really talk to. That's it. Everyone else I put on an act. Sometimes that act turns in to me a little bit, but I love who I am around those three people. I'm not going to tell you who they are. One knows, one could guess, and the other is not really talking to me. I hate that he doesn't get it. Because none of you know who i'm talking about... but just to get it out in the open I need to say that I realized that he is the only person I can talk to like this. And no, as much as you wont believe me its not like that. Its not what you think. No one knows exactly how it is. It might be hypocritical to try to explain... but with everything it's really bad. Everyone tells me its not as bad as it is but that leads me to the other thing I discovered. I love talking about me. Not all the time, but I like to talk a lot and share every detail of my life. I've really cut down I think. And I know I love to talk about me and knowing is half the battle. I'm searching for something, no someone. I have to find that one person who will just shut up and listen. I know I know, that's obnoxious. That's why I haven't really told anyone that I want this so badly. I've been thinking about it so much I know exactly what kind of person I want. And all I need is one fucking hour or two to just let me talk and talk and talk. They have to know nothing until I tell them. So everything is a big surprise. They can't be motherly, or agree to much. I don't know. Its a lost cause. I promise you I have attempted it with every single person I know. Only one has gotten close. It didn't work out in the end.

Now I'm sure all of you have a small Idea of what i'm like. I'm not like this really. It's just what I realized today. The room looked really red in the center. A candle was burning and I almost fell asleep. My mind ended up drifting off to souls of the people who died. If you think about it, suddenly 150,00 souls are gone. I believe in people being reborn. I believe it in the sense that you have had past lives. Not everyone does. My brother Leo definitely does not, but however stupid it sounds, i'm not new around here. I've been here before. No, I don't know everything or have in tune senses. I just know in every way. I've had weird times when... wow long stories. Maybe they'll come back some other time. So, the souls are just floating and have to be distributed. And I couldn't help but smile as I could see all these things hanging above Thailand, just sitting there waiting for their turn to come back to Earth. It reminds me of my favorite part in Angels in America. It's the one I auditioned with for the play. It's underneath my signature. I ended up trying to thank Jim for his words. I tried to be sincere but it didn't come out right. It was awkward and I shouldn't have said anything.

- Sick and pondering Rebecca

I dreamed we were there. The plane leapt the tropopause, the safe air, and attained the outer rim, the ozone, which was ragged and torn, patches of it threadbare as old cheesecloth, and that was frightening. But I saw something that only I could see, because of my astonishing ability to see such things: Souls were rising, from the earth far below, souls of the dead, of people who had perished, from famine, from war, from the plague, and they floated up, like skydivers in reverse, limbs all akimbo, wheeling and spinning. And the souls of these departed joined hands, clasped ankles, and formed a web, a great net of souls, and the souls were three-atom oxygen molecules, of the stuff of ozone, and the outer rim absorbed them, and was repaired. Nothing's lost forever. In this world, there's a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we've left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think that's so. -Harper from Angles in America Part two: Perestroika Scene 10

Friday, January 07, 2005

New Year

Oh wow its been awhile hasn't it...
So its 2005 and everything has changed. I like remembering how I was in memories. I feel like writing a five is going to be a lot harder than writing a four.

New Year- Death cab < check it out