Saturday, January 15, 2005

Growing up

So I think we have a problem. My posts are getting really long. I'll try to cut back I promise. However Cliché it sounds I would really love if people maybe commented. I made it so you don't have to be a member. Haha, my wishful thinking no one comes here any ways. It's just me alone.

My mom asked today if she could read my blog. I was talking about blogger and I said something about my blog. She turned to me surprised and asked, "Wait you have a blog?" "Yes" "Do I get to see it?" And I paused looking at her. We were driving to pick my brother up. "Um, I don't know. Maybe sometime." I think she was a little hurt. But I hide some things from my mom. Not big things, just small things I hide from everyone. Showing her some of it would be opening my own door a little more. Since i've been thinking about it I realized if she ever does read it she isn't allowed to talk about it. I mean I guess she could say something nice but she can't say sorry about something she does. I don't want to talk I just want to get it out. (though I still would love comments!) It doesn't really matter but I realized today the only place where I feel I have real privacy is in my bathroom. So I snuck in there today and locked the door. I then sat down in the shower with my computer. The internet connection wasn't very good but suddenly I could breath. My bathroom is blue, well the shower has blue tiles and It was colder and more relaxing. I think I might have to start sneaking in there more often.

I was in a really good mood tonight because I drunk about a glass and a half of wine. Suddenly, I don't know why i'm having this huge fear of growing up. I mean actually growing up. I long for college. But, growing up is terrifying. Once you get to a certain age you are expected to get married and have children who you love. I am expected to have a good paying job and a nice house. I don't want that. Maybe, probably one day I will. My mom told me that all day. While we were making cookies I started to stress. I'm scared i'm going to be a terrible mother. I have not patience and I used to love Leo and Oliver more than I do now. They bore me and annoy me a large percent of the time. I can't stand to sit while someone throws up. I look at my mom who is the hardest working woman I know and she does pretty darn well with four children. While I was writing that actually I just got rudely interrupted by my father who called me down to help with my brothers. My mom went out to get coffee and the twins are screaming and having trouble breathing. Fun! So after an hour I escaped back upstairs. See?? I'm not going to have children for a very long time. I am going to try every thing to prevent it. I want to do so much with my life and growing up is what everyone does. I want to be different, though I know their isn't really a way. I do want kids and i'm sure i'll want to get married one day. But already I'm one of the few people I know my age who doesn't want a boyfriend. It's is so pointless right now and I don't know. Maybe this will be another post one day. So, today I realized that growing up is hellish and I am going to be a terrible mother. I also really hate how safe it is. I can't have a job where I sit all day. I have to be able to actually have fun with my life. I'm scared of what will happen to me? Where will I go in thirty years.
Lets see... Weird. Fuck I feel like nothing is happening in my life. That’s ok, its just that I wish I could get out of this rut. I wish that .... oh wow i'm not going to go in to it. I know exactly what I want but some things I want to keep just for me.

I'm really loving the strokes today. I also have Daisy Duke-Rooney stuck in my head along with the entire Rooney album. Please god help me.

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