Thursday, January 13, 2005

Tsunami souls

Today we had a meeting for worship to remember the Tsunami victims. Dru and I trundled in a little late. We were being loud and we sat down intrusively. Jim talked about the Tsunami awhile but I have to admit I didn't really listen. Meeting for worships once in awhile have a really weird effect on me. I don't know, I think maybe because I was sick this week I had a lot of time to think. So while I sat there today I closed my eyes, leaned back and really thought. I realized some very important things this week. Some of which I can't really put in to words. But, I really figured it out. The one that I was thinking about today while sitting there was about how I can really only talk to a few people. Seriously though, I can chat and discuss with a lot of people but however cliché it sounds I can't be myself around them. Ok so this is stupid teenage mumbling sure, but I know who I really am and I know who I am around other people. Three people I can really talk to. That's it. Everyone else I put on an act. Sometimes that act turns in to me a little bit, but I love who I am around those three people. I'm not going to tell you who they are. One knows, one could guess, and the other is not really talking to me. I hate that he doesn't get it. Because none of you know who i'm talking about... but just to get it out in the open I need to say that I realized that he is the only person I can talk to like this. And no, as much as you wont believe me its not like that. Its not what you think. No one knows exactly how it is. It might be hypocritical to try to explain... but with everything it's really bad. Everyone tells me its not as bad as it is but that leads me to the other thing I discovered. I love talking about me. Not all the time, but I like to talk a lot and share every detail of my life. I've really cut down I think. And I know I love to talk about me and knowing is half the battle. I'm searching for something, no someone. I have to find that one person who will just shut up and listen. I know I know, that's obnoxious. That's why I haven't really told anyone that I want this so badly. I've been thinking about it so much I know exactly what kind of person I want. And all I need is one fucking hour or two to just let me talk and talk and talk. They have to know nothing until I tell them. So everything is a big surprise. They can't be motherly, or agree to much. I don't know. Its a lost cause. I promise you I have attempted it with every single person I know. Only one has gotten close. It didn't work out in the end.

Now I'm sure all of you have a small Idea of what i'm like. I'm not like this really. It's just what I realized today. The room looked really red in the center. A candle was burning and I almost fell asleep. My mind ended up drifting off to souls of the people who died. If you think about it, suddenly 150,00 souls are gone. I believe in people being reborn. I believe it in the sense that you have had past lives. Not everyone does. My brother Leo definitely does not, but however stupid it sounds, i'm not new around here. I've been here before. No, I don't know everything or have in tune senses. I just know in every way. I've had weird times when... wow long stories. Maybe they'll come back some other time. So, the souls are just floating and have to be distributed. And I couldn't help but smile as I could see all these things hanging above Thailand, just sitting there waiting for their turn to come back to Earth. It reminds me of my favorite part in Angels in America. It's the one I auditioned with for the play. It's underneath my signature. I ended up trying to thank Jim for his words. I tried to be sincere but it didn't come out right. It was awkward and I shouldn't have said anything.

- Sick and pondering Rebecca

I dreamed we were there. The plane leapt the tropopause, the safe air, and attained the outer rim, the ozone, which was ragged and torn, patches of it threadbare as old cheesecloth, and that was frightening. But I saw something that only I could see, because of my astonishing ability to see such things: Souls were rising, from the earth far below, souls of the dead, of people who had perished, from famine, from war, from the plague, and they floated up, like skydivers in reverse, limbs all akimbo, wheeling and spinning. And the souls of these departed joined hands, clasped ankles, and formed a web, a great net of souls, and the souls were three-atom oxygen molecules, of the stuff of ozone, and the outer rim absorbed them, and was repaired. Nothing's lost forever. In this world, there's a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we've left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think that's so. -Harper from Angles in America Part two: Perestroika Scene 10


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rebecca.....I hope you can talk to me. I try to be that person that you can just let it all out to. I want to be that person. I love you so much. And it's funny, but I have the exact same idea about souls. I don't think we've ever talked about this before. But all my life that is exactly how I imagined death. That you never really die, but your soul just goes somewhere besides Earth and waits to be put into a new shape. I hope you can talk to me and that you know I'm always here for you................. <3

2:23 PM  

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