Monday, February 28, 2005


I would write tonight but mom is scary.

Sunday, February 27, 2005


Do I start from the beginning or write the beginning last?
Why is this always a problem for me? I only have a little while to type. Spending the last hour sitting in Mad Hatter while strangers keep giving you looks because your eyeliner is slowly dripping down your face is kind of trying. I'm not tired, I'm just ... just... I just need to talk. Okay.. so now i sound like the bitchy teenager right? The one who's sentimental and cries at everything, who's life is so rough and no one understands. Well that's who I am, so read on if you care. Actually my life isn't rough, My life is actually far from it. As we were walking inside tonight me and my dad were standing at the gate outside our house. "But I can't be an artist," I persisted "My life isn't rough, I don't suffer." My dad looks at me as he swings the gate open. "No, you suffer because you're an artist. That's the difference."

I guess I'm writing the beginning last.

What can I say about this, about me sitting here night after night. Its eleven, I want to sleep soon but I don't want to leave. Jeramie just called me. I wish I could talk but for some reason it's not worth the effort right now of my mom coming in to get mad. We're driving back from the indian restaurant today and she turns to me, "I like how you wrote on your blog that "My mom told me to go to bed an hour ago." The minute she says this fear plummets through me. I don't think about what I write, is this a weakness in my character? I haven't thought until about five hours ago that my mom was reading this. Sounds bad doesn't it. I don't care, honestly I think it's nice she spends a few moments here once in awhile. I just wrote a different ending to that sentence but had to erase it because it sounded cynical. I don't mean it in a cynical way. But mom, I just want you to know I don't want to think about what I write. Yes i'm publishing this for the entire world to see but i'm not going to think about it, okay? So please read it, I love that. Just mom, unless your praising me can we not discuss what's said here. We can, the small things but not really. Just for you, anyone else well kids that is please feel free but mom, can this be on boundary we don't cross? At least you read it, compared to dad who preaches and lets me talk about it but doesn't read it. I don't think he means it in a bad way he just doesn't want to because its my space. Or he doesn't have time, either one honestly i'm fine with. Mom, I guess it's okay you read it too. Parents, god dammit. This is a broad subject isn't it. I'm to tired to talk about that now.

This is reminding me of the guy on the shins message board. He had his live journal, he was the reason I started my blog honestly. I haven't been there forever. Times change don't they. Well he reminded me of Matt, which now freaks me out a little. But in a good way I think.

I'm starting with tonight. I saw Adams play. Wow my hair is really really soft. Hang Town Fry, google it you'll find a fair amount. Time flies by doesn't it. I swear it was 10:40 a few seconds ago... but its 11:38. Adams play, well we go today to talk to him about squeezing us in, Me and my dad I mean. Well Adams there and it was after the afternoon performance. He was really happy to see us I think. Well he said he could squeeze us in. We came back at around seven to the theater. It's really gorgeous. Really beautiful. It was in the cooking class room, we all sat down and waited. I ended up sitting the farthest to the left in the front row. Ryan was there, we talked at the drink table and he dropped his sugar packet in to his iced tea. The play was really good. It was really well written, amazingly directed, amazingly acted,captivating,artful,suspenseful, but it wasn't just that. Maybe someone wants to fight me on this one but he writes like me. Adam's play sounds like me, just talking, not the character, no the play the play itself talked. Adam didn't direct it i know that but, it was directed in the way that I would have directed. Half way through I started to cry. It was sad yes, but also because of this of what everything turns in to in life. What has happened? I reached for my water glass and drank a few gulps fighting back the small trickle of tears. I couldn't explain why I was crying. Afterwards while the food is being served I turn around to talk with my dad like we do after everything. As we keep glancing in Adams direction and he was the artist there. And he did such a good job of being the artist. Of being that, or writing this. Can I explain? Maybe not. I'm so tired and not really wanting to talk right now but I am because i'm to tired to write in my journal and sometimes this is the only way to remember. After the play I go to talk to the little group of teachers in the corner, Rachel,Leon,David,Renee. All of my favorite ones, all of them sitting looking up at me. They all enjoyed the play and I asked Rachel if she enjoyed the food, hers was the only plate not completely empty. She looks up at me in the perfect Rachel way says, "I tried it! The eggs were good." Isn't that interesting? The perfect Rachel. Renee looks up at me, "So, Monday I have scheduled a meeting with you and Carrie for Monday afternoon." I stared, "Oh really?" All the teachers are nodding there heads. So Mia, who I talked to when? Thursday has told every other teacher in the about how I was thinking of leaving. All of them want me to stay and to watch them all smiling and having everything else, I don't know Its nice to see people care. My dad and I turned to Adam to tell him it was great. There was no falce ness in our voices. It wasn't because Adam was Adam it was because we thought it was really well done. I asked him about the recipe then my dad left, because he knew he had to. I followed him realizing I didn't have much else to say. Adam seemed to content and as I was leaving he made a point to put the person he was talking to on hold. He looks around and says, "See you monday." I can't even explain how perfect that line was. I don't even want to try, you wont get it. When I went downstairs in the building I did a small little skip. In the parking lot I don't know. Maybe i'll keep the emotional part to myself. The part where we went to Mad Hatter and we talked. I wasn't crying because of what you think, Its because everything fell quickly right then. okay i'm making an ass out of myself. I have to go before I reveal something I don't want to. Can you wait until tomorrow? i can my friends, I can.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


Just in case you cared... I'm still good. :) Its 1 in the morning and I'm talking to my stalker (sorry keith! that is your nickname) and henry about um boy problems. Haha funny how the world works right? I'll write a new entry later... finger crossed on Le Tigre tickets....

Tuesday, February 22, 2005


I'm in a good, no no great wonderfull amazing YES! mood.... hehe

White Flowers

Soccer season starts again! Were scrimmaging today and the other coach screams right after i pass the ball to Hannah. "FREEZE!" We do, quickly. He then goes on to explain that I should pass the ball to turquoise (jeramie, who was wearing turquoise) to get the other team moving. He then tells Hannah, "Pass the ball back to Mathcounts" Sniggers are heard all around. I can't figure out how he knew, then I remember I'm wearing my Mathcount shirt. God damn it is this who I am? I told you in Ryan's eyes i'm Math Chick. Elliot smith Tribute concert friday! Chris, our music teacher asked me if I was going today. He is, I might, maybe if I want to. Today we had an all school cleanup before the five day break (!) Instead I stood in the hall with both Sams for awhile. Settling out was good fun because I ended up just talking to Sam and Nate about them, and sex ed, and guys. At the end of 7th period I was talking about the Hes Just Not That IN To You book... the one I read at Barnes and Noble last night. I was sitting near Sam and he turns to me and says "Well it's true, were just not that in to you." I was like "I know" After class he stands up and pats me in the back. "A perfect example of that was Me and Georgia," He nods and says "That's the perfect example" I nod. Today was the quintessential CFS day. First period We watched a science movie. Second we actually did have a test, grammar, what fun. Third we played the Monopoly games we made. Fourth period we were assigned to figure out the height of the water tower,gym, and the length of the art studio without crossing the stream. Me and Dru were together, of course, you should learn that by now. And at first we measured the height of the gym and it was the most beautiful day in awhile, and the heat was coming down, but not to hot. And the School was having an outdoor concert. And the sky was so bright, and the shadows so perfect. Me and Dru went down to the middle school field to try and figure out how to measure the art studio. David came over soon and we pestered him like we do. Then Dru ended up climbing a tree and half dancing to the music that was just out of our sight. When David has his back turned and there are about fifteen more minutes of class, I turn to Dru "On the count of three were going to run." She nods and smiles, slowly scooting down the tree. "Ready?" "Chill out we can take as much time as we want." "Dru, come on. One, Two," By two were gone around the back side of the building. Later Leon comes up to Dru, "We need to talk about the last fifteen minutes of Math Class." Leon then laughs and walks away.

I got a new journal. Its pink, large with non lined pages. The front cover has a white piece of paper with dried flowers. The paper is rough, hand made. I chose the one with white flowers instead of pink because I thought it made the journal sad. As if the flowers had lost their color, which I bet they had. What good art isn't heartbreaking?

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Truth or Fire

Shit... Listening to Jewel again... My mom told me about an hour ago to sleep and not blog. Psha so much for that.

Before I continue on my thread about religion i'm going to just talk. I need that tonight. You don't hate me do you? For reading what I wrote? I'd hate me, I just reread it, It's true but heartless and not very considerate. Read it with an open mind okay? And don't judge me completely on that even though i bet you already have.

Can I just say this post isn't very philosophical....

Oh wow I just realized i'm going to have to finish my religion talk tomorrow morning. Or i guess later today. ;) Its kind of late now and I'm way to tired to think.

Can I rant about the last day though... huh... um Friday was good fun. Adolescent Issues forum! Pat, the old head teacher came in and talked about teenage stereo types. It was actually really interesting, I was surprised at how well she held my focus.

You Make me Feel Like A Natural Woman... It's not me its a hologram, its not me its a hologram...

On the O.C. on Thurs. This song was played at the beginning. I bought it on itunes...Sam Roberts-No Sleep. I think I like it. It's weird. I felt very cool when i bought it. Georgia also turned me on to this song... Walking with a ghost-Tegan and Sara. I really like it, a lot a lot. So Lets see... Friday i skipped settling in to help out with the yearbook staff. Samantha bitched at all of us for awhile.

Oh! So this dream I had was about our school. Except it had levels and the lowest one was a sweat shop. Hannah really really liked Nate and she told me and I told him, and I also told him to not like her back. I don't know why because I didn't like him, i just didn't want hannah to like him. But Nate liked her but was respecting me so he pretended he didn't. Drama drama... I came in to school and kept asking Hannah, are you sure you don't like Nate? Are you sure? It was so real, everyone had their little quirks, little nods of the head. Ok that doesn't really matter does it. Friday at lunch I hung out with Nate and Ryan on the benches. Both being really cool actually. I'm sad that Nate and Sam are going to start going to the gym again once their suspension is done on monday. I'm going to miss talking with them, Nate especially, it was a place to talk to him if you know what I mean. Sam you can talk to whenever I guess. Aja,Sam,Sam,and Joe were all in Toni's room being as I stated, Ajar,Sam,Sam, and Joe. Most of you know what I mean. Hm I went home with Dru. Well first we went to Oo La Latte and this older black man was sitting at the counter. Dru was trying to figure out what to get and she turns to me and says abruptly "Hey!" and I respond "Hey!" and the man turns and says "Hey!". Dru and I look at each other and crack up. The man says "Everyone was saying it, I thought I should join in. Hey!" Me: Hey! Dru:Hey! Man: It could be a new rap, Hey! Hey! Hey!
A man walks in to the coffee shop. The Man turns to him, throws his hands in the air and exclaims "Hey!"

A Soldiers Story was what the play was called. Dru and I went after jumping around my room listening to music for four hours. We missed the first few minutes because of me finding a shirt. The play was good, but honestly I was looking around more than paying attention. I was searching for DSA people i knew, because that makes me feel powerful you see? After the first half Matt waved to me and came over. We stood there awkwardly for a few minutes, me, Matt, Dru, and Georgia. Then we kind of walked outside so Georgia could finally meet ryan. Hm Ryan didn't really talk. Matt was really really sweet though the entire time. He talked to me in the hall and then asked us to sit with him. The second half I kept looking over and smiling at him. Though the four guys were behind us and they kept whispering and being loud, so us three girls would put our heads in and start talking. Georgia: Omg matt is awesome! go for it! Me: ah, we'll discuss this later, Ryan is cute though. God were such girls. *sigh* but it was really fun actually, and the play was really well done. Afterwards Matt comes up to me and says "So guess what i'm doing tomorrow night!" And i asked what, and he told me about baby-sitting for 6 hours. I don't think he's ever come up to me and told me something like that. I'm always the one doing that. Hm.. That makes me really happy that he said that. When we were leaving we went to go say goodbye to the group of guys Matt looks at me and holds out his hand. "Come on, a hug?" He smiled. So I hugged him, which wasn't weird, it never is, never has been just hm.... not going to say anything else. When we got back in the car georgia spazzed. I mean spazzed completely. Hell yeah, she had just met Ryan, have you read their IM conversations? huh I have!

Ryan, not that one the other one called Georgia and they talked for an hour while I sat online and talked to the other Ryan. We got out Charlottes yearbooks and looked up everyone. Its weird how girls are more comfortable in confined spaces. We ended up moving to the bathroom to talk. We just sat on the tile floor talking for about two hours.

Today we went to the guys Basketball game championship. Georgia's Dad drove us to Raleigh and when we walked in Ajar didn't seem to happy to see us. We cheered hard we promise. Though we cheered louder than everyone else we still lost by... lets just say a good amount. I hated to see them upset though. The fourth years have worked so hard for this, and most of them, ok Sam and Nate, basketball is there life. I'm so sorry guys, that's all I feel like I can say. I'm so sorry, it sucks so much. The bus followed Georgia's car and we kept waving at the guys. They all were really upset. Second isn't as good as first. Never will be.

Finding Neverland was the perfect movie to see tonight. I cried at the end. Not bawling, just tears kind of dripping down your face. From about 5-9 the place outside the movie theater in the mall is filled with middle aged people and white high school kids. At nine The cops come in and the place is an only black scene. Welcome to Durham...
In the car driving home we Nina and I couldn't stop laughing... Nina turns to me and says "Do you know what this woman was doing. She was walking along in this buisness suit in the dark with her cell phone." I looked at Nina completely serious. Her hand motion was annoying and I was tired. "I don't know the answer." Nina cracked up, "Elena!" She says poking her sister "Did you hear what Rebecca just said?" Then Nina repeated the conversation adding a lot more facial expressions. We all were laughing at this time. I don't really remember why. I turn to Nina "Its like the time that you saw the bumper sticker. The Why do we kill who kill people to show that killing people is wrong! And you told Eliza, after she read out the," I pause I can't stop laughing now. I can't talk instead i'm rocking slowly in the back seat. We all are actually. "Ok after she read it out you say, you say, you say, I don't know," We didn't stop laughing until we walked in the house five minutes later.

So much human interaction, now i'm playing Truth or Fire with Henry and Grace in a chat. I ducked out though because I was tired of typing and I wanted to finish this up. Also because its 1 am on a saturday night and I think it's a little sad i'm playing Truth or Fire. Ok really really sad.

Molli- If you read this... Thank you so much for saying that stuff about the blog when you thought it was only georgia there. Holy shit that made my day I promise you! We can talk later okay? huh thanks though it was really great. Really really great.

Keith - Yay about your game! Thats awesome! Good Job! Do you guys have championships? You might have told me but I forget at this moment. Well i miss talking to you... I keep playing the rivers song over and over. I'm getting attached. I'll reply actually to your comment tomorrow. Way to tired to actually be social now though.

well goodnight everyone... Thanks for letting me just ramble about my life. I know everyone cares about everything i'm doing. Hm my back hurts. I don't really want to leave anymore but I guess I have to. huh have fun.

Thursday, February 17, 2005


I'm sitting in my kitchen, with my feet up on the kitchen table. I'm wearing my soccer shin guards and soffee's. My dad's huge sweatshirt/jacket thing is on me, and it's really very warm.

I can see myself in the window across from me. Hm you can guess what I’m thinking. We live about 40 feet away from our neighbors. Their kitchen is right across from ours. When it's dark outside and the light is on you can see everything clearly. Someone's over at their house, a woman shorter than the both of them, wearing a black turtleneck. Bigger than both of them too. She's drinking a glass of white wine, and stands against the counter. Our neighbors on the other hand are leaning against the counter. Everyone looks distressed, not happy or excited. Jean pulls the visitor with a small glance towards the dining room. They're gone now but the kitchen is spotless. A saltshaker is next to a large bottle of Tabasco sauce. Jean just walked in, put down a can of seltzer, left again and then walked up the stairs to their extra bedroom. I can tell because the lights follow her. I don't let them ever see my life. My blinds are always closed, shutting even the most innocent out.

I'm really cold.

The lights aren’t off though I know Jean came down about 3 minutes ago.

It's my father's birthday.

So, while I was randomly bored...

I found out why it's cold. My window is open again. I need to get that fixed.

.... I went to the American Idol site to find out more about the 24 contestants. No laughing, my mom makes me watch it with my brother for family bonding. Though I’m not going to say I don't like it. Whoa my parents just got home from dinner. They got home at seven... seriously I don't talk to my family anymore. The babies are screaming "Daddy, Daddy, we made you cards! Daddy, Daddy!" Ok well I was on the American Idol site looking at the contestants. If you click on each picture it will tell you something about the contestants. A little Q and A session of you know what I mean. You can check it out; well I was highly disappointed in them, the contestants. The last question is 'Who is the first person you would thank if you won'. They all thanked god. All accept 3 people. Ok four. I'm not going to turn this in to a religious bashing because bashing people's religion and faith is one of the worst things you can do. But honestly at first I wasn't excited when I read those. For someone like me who has been thinking about religion very seriously for the last year, I don't know. In my opinion putting faith in to god like that, so you've won American Idol and you believe that it's because of god, that he is going to be the first person you are going to thank. Just hear me out okay? This is how my mind works. So whenever I would click on another face I would be disappointed when I would see god down at the bottom. I believe so little in god, or in putting all your faith in one thing that it's hard for me to even imagine someone else feeling that way. I know people do, just reading those things bothered me too much. Nina thinks I don't go to midrasha because I hate it. I do hate it, its pointless, but also I don't believe anything anyone is saying. That's the reason i'm not being religious. ...coldplay, pause and sigh.... I find that everything is bullshit. Now that sounds shallow, saying that everything is bullshit... ok I agree its not all bull shit. Just a very large percentage.... ok a percent. the blowers daughter, again, pause and sigh..... But, whatever is thrown at me my mind makes ways of rebutting it. As if my mind won’t let me conform. Which is stupid of me I bet. That I can't let myself hear arguments for things like religion. But I firmly know that I don't believe that one person can tell me what to do with my body, or my mind. I live once, why would I give that up to someone else, or spend my entire time on earth thinking about the next time I’ll be here, or where I’m going later. I believe in souls, I believe in reincarnation, I believe that sitting in silence clearing your mind is the best way to achieve happiness.
Besides that I don't know what I believe yet. I salute Judaism because Jews focus on living instead of death. I love our rabbi, I love the synagogue, I love being Jewish. I wouldn't trade it for the world. We party more, we enjoy life, but I can't conform in that way. Sitting, listening to the Jewish Rabbi talk about kabala I’m disappointed in the traditions. Other people find them amazing and part of their culture, I find them terrifying. Am I not seeing the whole picture? If I’m not, try to enlighten me. Trust me, in my mind I’ve played out millions of arguments. I'd like to hear more. Buddhism, Hinduism, and Judisum are my favorites i guess, i'm somewhere in-between. I don't believe in nothing, I just not quite believe in anything either. I guess that's classifies me as an agnostic, but I don't want to be called one. I know i don't believe in nothing, but i know i don't believe in certain any things. Am I losing you? Hang on... I’m almost done.

Ok can we put this on a pause maybe?!? It's taken me about 4 hours to write this on and off and my mom is making me sleep. I'll continue later... i promise. This isn't edited either. But it will be. Just hang in there please? I'll edit it and add on...



On my way (4 times)

I would like to reach out my hand
ombe seyo ombe tell you to run
bobode see bobodeyam
Well Pick me up with golden hands
ombe seyo ombe tell you to run
bobode see bobodeyam

Well i would like to hold my little hand
we will run we will, we will crawl we will
(2 times)

send me on my way (7 times)

Repeat 2 times

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Wes and Owen

Ethel: Well, I don't think it's very intelligent to keep an electrical gadget on the edge of the tub.
Margot: [in bath] I tie it to the radiator.

Ethel: How long have you been a smoker?
Margot: 22 years.
Ethel: Well I think you should quit

Eli: I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum.
Royal: Me too, me too

Richie: You dropped some cigarettes.
Margot: Those aren't mine.
Richie: They just fell out of your pocket

Royal: [Points to Henry] He's not your father.
Margot: Neither are you.

Breakfast Club

The problem is I can't listen to a song all the way through. Whenever it gets near the end I have to go on to the next song. My mind doesn't work in the waiting way. See like now, I love Beulah but I can't reach the end of their song because I have to go on to death cab. My hands are shaking a little and I don't know why. Everything is just folding on top of each other. I don't even know what i'm writing, I'm just trying to get out as much of my thoughts before I have to take a shower. I feel really pretty right now. Inside i'm exploding. I promise you, exploding. Which is really dumb. So I started saying dumb, which is really really dumb. So in Mathletes? I scored worse then 50 people... out of 200. But nate or the other people didn't either so its all good. God I have to tell about athletes sometime. I will, just not today. Tomorrow soccer starts but I have to call my fucking baby-sitting people who expect me, my mom is being annoying about everything, but we can talk about that later too. So um yeah, aaa do you understand what's going through my head right now?!?!? No you don't, and again i'm scared its going to end, whatever it is. Tomorrow is adolescent issues... no classes. None of these songs are right... none of them. I'm in one of those moods where I don't want to listen to anyone, except like dru, or georgia, or my dad. I'm jumping out of my skin hyper but so stressed my stomach hurts. It also hurts because of all the dumb things that people are doing. I don't know, i'm a little basket case sitting at my computer at 11 o clock.
That makes me think of The Breakfast Club. I watched that movie for the first time on the way to camp with nina. We only watched the beginning though, and a councilor who played the saxophone looked like the geek, what's his name. Well this councilor, I have this really clear memory of Nina and I salsa dancing in the middle of our cabin. Both of us talking about the councilor, "He's so sexy, I want to have his babies." And were sallying and everyone's laughing and were pretending to play the saxophone and we crack up laughing. I love Breakfast Club. I love it so much, I want to watch that right now. I'm going to fucking rent it this weekend. I promise you, now that I have it on my mind i'm going to rent it. I watched the Royal Tenenbaums again, did I tell you? It was brilliant. That will be another entry later too I guess.
Salsaing reminded me of today. Henry was my party and we were bloody brilliant, let me tell you. Poor Nate made me go sallying during fifth period instead of walking. Well he didn't make me, I was going to go wherever he went and he wanted to salsa dance. So Aubrey is the amazing dance thing, she's about 6 feet tall and blonde and can move her hips like no tomorrow. So, compared to her we were terrible. But I had so much fun, twirling and dancing. Nate didn't have as much fun I think... which sucks because he made me come. Guys doing salsa; very hot. That is the first semicolon I ever used. Hm, I wonder if it's in the right place. That would be really cool if it was.
I really don't like bowlling for soup. Hey guys, Not to be repetitive but don't be shy. Talk to me please! leave a message!
I talked to Shayna today. I love her, I love her so much. Oh wow i'm in such a weird mood. Please forgive this mess right here. I'm scared it's going to leave again. That's how it is, i'm scared it's going to leave and so I need to do something before it does. I wont ever get the chance though i promise you. Watching the DSA play on fri. with Georgia and Dru and oh Matt. Um joy. Actually i'm really excited. Made fudge with Mariah tonight for Emma's birthday. Maybe its sad I really enjoy hanging out with kids two years younger then me. I don't know, they look at everything differently and better.
I miss Brittany Spears, her in her peak of greatness. Even if she could come back like she did with Toxic. I really love that song. Oh god my stomach hurts, I can't tell if it's just because i'm nervous about life or because i'm getting sick.So do you see how i'm rambling on and on. That's because my journal is all filled up! Yes the one I started about a year ago. Written on every single page both sides. If you've ever seen my journal you know it's huge. Seriously huge. I'm so proud you have no idea. Holy shit now i'm crying, not seriously just a little bit. Because everyone's growing up and leaving and I don't know, I think i'm having a break down. A weird break down
I got on Dru's back today during lunch. After school we were sitting outside eating lollypops and Michael came up. It was such a gorgeous day. I was so happy. I came home after watching the 'game' and ran around with my dog for an hour. I feel like i've been home for only ten minutes but i've been sitting at my computer on and off for the last 4 hours.
Back street's back all right... I miss them too. 'Nsync more though. Oh wow oh wow my mind sucks it does. I'm so annoying. God I need to sleep or i'm going to end up spilling some stuff on here that shouldn't be put online. Ow my lips are chapped, where is my blistex. Scrubs was great. Blech... you know i'm really good right now. very very good. I bet that doesn't surprise you anymore.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Window Ledge

Teacher : Would any one like to share their flowing thoughts journal entry?
No one? I love these, was it hard?

Me: No, It was exactly like writing in my journal. Which I do a lot so-

Teacher : Yes, Molli you want to share. (turns to me, lowers her voice a tiny bit) No I don't think its like a journal entry at all.
(Molli Shares. Teacher turns back to me)

Other Kid : I ended up writing about the pencil on top of the window ledge.

Teacher : (nods, still looking at me) Its not like a journal entry because your writing whatever comes to your head.

Me : But that's not, i mea-

Teacher : When I write in my journal its for a specific purpose and a way to get something out. I usually have a subject I write about.

Me : But I don't write in my journal that way. I write whatever comes to my head.

Teacher : Well yeah...

Friday, February 11, 2005

Making it through

On tuesday I wrote an entry and the computer crashed. That's how my week is going. I just have to make it through Sunday, then finally I can rest and write and feel like I can be a little more me again.

Keith- I forgot to tell you, Dru says she would love to come ;)

I'm so sorry I can't write today. I have to study and rest and other things. My life is crazy, but Sunday just hold on until Sunday. The concert was so much fun. Sandi is so cool. or she just makes me feel very cool. Seeing the cave, hanging out with Cam at Mamma Dips, sitting in the back with nina just talking. How it sucks that were not older. I always have this feeling. I've been waiting forever to grow up. Now I finally am a little more and the feeling is stronger than ever. Nina and I are alike in so many ways. We were leaning against this cabinet and both of us looked at each other and cracked up. Cam comes up : What are you guys talking about? Nina: Debating weather to get a soda Me: actually talking about guys. Cam: Well take your pick. Smiled and left. The thing is that finally there were guys everywhere and we kept looking at each other and being like there are guys out there places, you just have to get out of your little world. I'm not saying there aren't guys in our world, but real guys. No, of course they're old. No worries there, just they were people. I'm not a person. Not yet at least. I can't drive, can't take support myself. Walking to Ninth street is my biggest accomplishment. Isn't that sad. My life consists of one endless line, because I can't do anything. The worst part is how frustrating it is. How we know there is another world out there we just have to wait to reach it. It's in sight to, but it's over the hill instead of around the corner. We can see it, we can, we have gotten close too. But we just aren't there yet. I understand that people say to treasure there childhood's. Yes we have little commitments, but we can't decide what commitments to have. We are stuck in this rut until we are about 16, or 18, maybe even 21. The thing is I love my friends but I also really love talking to people older than me. Hm.. I don't know. Nina and I sat on the bench thinking about who we could get to drive us to concerts. And how we were going to get out of this, this hell of being little. Being five feet one doesn't help. The problem is I get bored of being a kid. I get bored of the people around me and the way we are. Whenever I meet or hang out with different people I feel a bit of envy as if only I could be old enough to have these kind of friends. I'm sure that might be how it always is. I wouldn't trade my friends in for the world I just wish I could also live this double life. I wish I could pull off going to the cradle all the time and being in the music scene and ... other stuff. But instead I have to sit back and wait. And maybe i'm just impatient but it feels like i've been waiting for a very long time. And it sucks when your just waiting for your life to happen. I try to imbrue it and I have fun. I do, I think I embrace it pretty well for someone who just can't wait to get to college. The small luxuries of getting coffee at eleven at night if I so please. Driving to Charlotte one night because the Shins are playing. I can't wait, however bad that sounds. I can't wait to be able to be, and have my own life. This is something that's been troubling me for awhile. I might come back to it when I have the chance. But right now? I have to go do a play. Anyone who knows why you know how hard that's going to be for me. I just need to get through two more days. And I will. Then I can go back to the long and hard wait...

Monday, February 07, 2005

Ch-check check It Out

I can not believe it's already the seventh. I can't believe time is going by so fast.
does anyone read this thing anymore?? Really?

No one was at school. My classes were slack and good fun. 4th period Dru and I put on Ryan's Dance mix and blasted Send Me On My Way. We were trying to get David to take us out to lunch, and crash Leon's classes party. So ignoring Henry's groans we jump on the table and start to dance. It was only us four in the annex so we could be as loud as we wanted. I'm clumsy. Its a pretty well known fact. I'm the one who always falls and breaks something, i'm the one who entertains. So when I knock over the container of markers on the table we burst out laughing as I duck down to pick them up. Send Me On My Way is still playing when David finally stands up and lets us run to his car. We bring the CD's and Dru and I sit in the back. The entire ride we listen to Send Me On My Way... as embarrassing as it is... doing our own interpretive dances in the back of the car best we can. We were about to leave brueggers later when I realized Blue Coffee Guy (MARK!) was working. Trying to think of an excuse to go in to the coffee shop I decided I would pick up The Independent (a local weekly newspaper) and pretend that's why I went in. Walking in I waved to Mark, (who btw has no fucking idea who I am) grabbed the newspaper, whispered to Dru and Henry "That's Him", smiled again at Mark, grabbed Dru And Henry, and ran.

Ryan,Dru, and I skipped meeting for Worship because we had to work on music. Us three are really weird together. Ryan and Dru are a weird combination I think on their own. They both do this thing that when the look at each other any time during the day they crack up hysterically. So when your the third wheel its hard. I love them both a lot though, but we kept fighting over the stupidest things. Not actual fighting just getting annoyed. Ryan I believe likes Dru... Maybe i'm wrong but ... it doesn't really matter. Basically we all like music and were sitting there with my laptop rearranging songs. Whenever Dru and I would protest a Rap song Ryan would come in "The rap community will like it." The rap community?!?!? Dru and I kept looking at each other and sniggering. "But," I would say. "We're not the rap community." Then Mollie comes in to tell us that the entire school can hear us cursing because were so loud. We start to laugh and can't stop.
While Dru was at french Ryan and I walk in the tutor room. You know when you are somewhere and the exact same thought crosses both peoples minds? Well the minute we walk in the room all I can think is, hey this would be the perfect place to make out with someone. Then I start feeling guilty for this thought but Ryan breaks the silence by saying..."I bet this is one of the places Sam and Georgia made out." For some reason I laugh, snigger and say "my thoughts exactly."

The "Rap community" didn't like the dance. Near the end Ryan comes up to me and Dru and says "I don't think the Rap community is enjoying themselves." And I go, "That's because the rap community consists of everyone except us three." Most of the songs you really could dance to. Just no one has ever been to a concert or place where you have to dance to something besides "Move Ya Body." Email me if you want the play list... it took forever and i'd love to hear what people think. Georgia was upset about things partly because Sam wasn't there but also other things i'm not going to write about. It's her business... but lets just say I agree with her. So, I had a lot of fun. No one else did but as I was the only one dancing and who knew the music I really enjoyed myself. They're something weird about school dances though. Especially at our school where there are only 3 black kids there. White kids can't dance. Except me of course, actually kidding because i can't dance or sing ar do anything cool like that. Ryan and Sam wore rainbow suspenders because they thought that would be cool... welcome to friends school. The second to last song I told Skyler had to be "Send Me On My Way". Dru's stomach was hurting but I dragged her out when it started to play. Holy shit me, Ryan, Dru, and Samantha danced my friends. We were having an awesome time. Its a hard song to danced to but we danced, we danced all over the floor. I keep playing that song on repeat while in my room. Not quite the same effect.

One thing happened at the Dance though. I started wanting for this one guy to like me. I kept watching him out of the corner of my eye wondering if he was looking at me. I know that's kind of lame right? How I would avoid his eye and wonder if he would notice me smiling at my friends. Once in awhile I would realize what I was doing and I would curse under my breath. This also happened a few months ago. I desperately wanted this other certain person to like me. I didn't like them, just as I don't like this person now. Don't worry I don't like them i'm sure, pretty sure. But the other person, I kind of started to like without me realizing it. So i kept thinking about that, and kept thinking about it. After the dance all of us piled in Georgia's car. While she changed the radio station i double buckled with molli, and dru with aja. She was behind me in the farthest back seat and I was in the middle one. I leaned back and we started talking about the person... She doesn't know all this but she'll find out. We talked about Math class for awhile and how that was such a different environment. Wow math class... but if you're there everyday you know what i'm talking about. Both of us were tired and not really wanting to be in this car. So while the Dido played we talked. I think it was the best talk i've had with Dru for awhile. I know it sounds like I only talk to her. It's just that she happens to be with me for everything. I have a lot of friends though it might not seem like it. I love them just as much, just in this past three days I hung out with her the most.

I skipped second period today because I came in to class, throwing my backpack on the floor, looking at Rachel and stating "I'm not okay." We talked for a second then she sent me to walk around the building and talk to Mig. I stood on the wooden slabs that separate the field from the sidewalk. I walked up and down them trying to clear my mind. My eye turned red because I slept in my contacts Saturday night. As Sam said bluntly "haha, you looked wasted or stoned or something." Thanks Sam. I tried to think about how I can't tell anyone about anything anymore. But I used to really want to, but now I don't even care. Instead it's easier to keep everything inside so I don't have to explain myself. I don't sleep anymore and when I do its so light I have these vivid dreams. Maybe i'm thinking about this guy thing to much. He's not in my dreams though, don't worry that was unrelated. I found myself at the Library minutes later and started talking to Mig. She has this magical power that she can make you want to say anything. When she came up to me before first period she asked me if anything was wrong. Before I knew it I burst in to tears. "Everything,"

Thursday, February 03, 2005

...Its To Early For That Dress...

I love Courtney Love.

Hence the title

So we have a breakthrough. Nina and Eliza have figured out Blue Coffee guys name. It is completely perfect. If you know me then you could probably guess what it is. Mark, is god damn name is Mark. How fucking perfect is that. I'm exploding in my little world.

Keith, that comment made my day, no week. I wrote a reply as a comment. If anyone wants to check it out its in the comments section of the last entry.

So I was going to write more. And I have been typing, trying to write something for the past 3 hours, minus an O.C. break. Then I got upset and erased it. So this is just to say hi really. And to tell you all I feel like shit. But hey, i got in an 'argument' with michael because he wouldn't tell me what he thinks of the blog. So I was thinking about who really reads it any ways. I guess camp people and such. But who do those other people think I am? What am I like? What do I look like? Its interesting to think that all people get is the blog which in some cases might be more me than anything else.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Ankle injury

I'm loading shit music on my computer for the dance and blasting Beulah.. which Sandi was kind enough to burn me. :)

Driving to fencing takes a half hour. Then 2 hours at UNC and a half hour back. I don't see why my dad thought it was a good idea to bring the entire group. Six of us is a lot. Ten minutes in to the drive we hit traffic and my parents start to fight... I'm not used to sitting in the back seat and as Leo starts to sing "Twinkle Twinkle little star" and Sasha starts to scream at him, and my Dad sighs loudly, and my mom gives him a scary look, I slowly slip on my headphones. I'm not usually out of the action like that, trust me. I did not stop talking until the end of fourth period. I promise you, I like being the center of attention. As I looked out the window at the highway around our town, I turned the music a little higher. You have to turn it so high you can't even hear your own thoughts. So I tried not to think, which is hard for me. My mind started to wander on how much I know me. I know who I am... really well. I was thinking about Emily, you know? Well no one really knows her except CFS people but when I was younger she kept telling me, "Rebecca the thing is you know what you have to do in this situation because you know you better then anyone I know knows themselves." I hadn't really discovered that until this year. That I can tell you exactly what I'm feeling and why. This is not an advantage some times... others it is. Maybe everyone knows themselves like this. Maybe its just me who thinks i'm different. It's no feat, it's just that I think about what i'm going to write or say or imagine whenever i'm quiet. I talk a lot but when I finally shut up, I know that person inside so well. One day i'm going to get so bored of me. I'll be sitting in a parking lot twenty five years from now, and suddenly i'll put the keys in the car. I'll be all by myself and I'll sit back against the seat and sigh. The keys will dangle and i'll touch them with my hands. While i'm sitting there I will realize that the person I am, is boring. I'll want new company, but i'm stuck with me forever..... Forever is a fucking long time. I don't mind me now much though... So i'd change a few things, but honestly however self centered this sounds I love me. I hate my stomach, I hate how I treat some people, I hate how i don't have patience, but I would refuse to be anyone else. Seriously i'm my favorite. I'm jealous of a lot of people but I don't actually want to be them, or think their thoughts. I want to be that kid who sits at her computer all day and is over obsessed with her blog, is shorter than everyone and laughs so hard when Dru says the word dictator she falls on the floor. There you go, a snippet in to my life. I talk a lot, maybe you can tell by this Blog... I talk to much... All know about the wall of shame (hehe) a ratio of 7 to 1. Not going to explain. ;) The problem is I love to share, and I really love talking and discussing... Shit see I could talk about this subject for hours. This is going to be another entry. I have other things to talk about. Fencing! Back to the car, I think when I got distracted I was sitting in the back seat blasting Comas my brothers were screaming and my mom was lecturing my dad... am I right? The energy in the car was bad. I couldn't hear anything but the feeling was cold and harsh. As if no one wanted to be there but felt like the others were forcing them. We finally got to fencing and honestly Matt kind of made it all ok. I just had to get out of that car. Otis was being really cool though he got added to my list of people who I have to convert in to music junkies. He listens to no music... I guess that's their choice but, no. Actually all my attempts on others have failed... So you know the game where you lay your hands on top of some one else's and try to move them away really fast before the other person hits them? Well Otis made me try to get him with his eyes open and I did, and once he closed his eyes he moved them away perfectly every time. So I tried, and it worked. But there is something very voulnerable about having your eyes closed. I'm standing in the middle of a room with all these fencers around me and for some reason it was very settling. Though it is scary when you don't know what's going on around you. You feel vulnerable but not scared. Well at least I didn't... Their is a difference.

I still have bruises from last week though... Don't know when the new ones are going to heal.
I borrowed anna's CFS sweatshirt. I love it.
Tomorrow were actually going to a party.
I got my first ever exercise related injury!! My ankle got hurt because I was wearing the wrong shoes in running. My first ever! I get to wear a special sleeve brace thing! And I got new running shoes for my soles...Blue coffee guy was there but my dad refused to take me in...
"Running with you is so different then running with my guy friends. You have to stop to get coffee just so you can see the guy working. Coffee isn't going to help you running."
"I know but I love him."