Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Ankle injury

I'm loading shit music on my computer for the dance and blasting Beulah.. which Sandi was kind enough to burn me. :)

Driving to fencing takes a half hour. Then 2 hours at UNC and a half hour back. I don't see why my dad thought it was a good idea to bring the entire group. Six of us is a lot. Ten minutes in to the drive we hit traffic and my parents start to fight... I'm not used to sitting in the back seat and as Leo starts to sing "Twinkle Twinkle little star" and Sasha starts to scream at him, and my Dad sighs loudly, and my mom gives him a scary look, I slowly slip on my headphones. I'm not usually out of the action like that, trust me. I did not stop talking until the end of fourth period. I promise you, I like being the center of attention. As I looked out the window at the highway around our town, I turned the music a little higher. You have to turn it so high you can't even hear your own thoughts. So I tried not to think, which is hard for me. My mind started to wander on how much I know me. I know who I am... really well. I was thinking about Emily, you know? Well no one really knows her except CFS people but when I was younger she kept telling me, "Rebecca the thing is you know what you have to do in this situation because you know you better then anyone I know knows themselves." I hadn't really discovered that until this year. That I can tell you exactly what I'm feeling and why. This is not an advantage some times... others it is. Maybe everyone knows themselves like this. Maybe its just me who thinks i'm different. It's no feat, it's just that I think about what i'm going to write or say or imagine whenever i'm quiet. I talk a lot but when I finally shut up, I know that person inside so well. One day i'm going to get so bored of me. I'll be sitting in a parking lot twenty five years from now, and suddenly i'll put the keys in the car. I'll be all by myself and I'll sit back against the seat and sigh. The keys will dangle and i'll touch them with my hands. While i'm sitting there I will realize that the person I am, is boring. I'll want new company, but i'm stuck with me forever..... Forever is a fucking long time. I don't mind me now much though... So i'd change a few things, but honestly however self centered this sounds I love me. I hate my stomach, I hate how I treat some people, I hate how i don't have patience, but I would refuse to be anyone else. Seriously i'm my favorite. I'm jealous of a lot of people but I don't actually want to be them, or think their thoughts. I want to be that kid who sits at her computer all day and is over obsessed with her blog, is shorter than everyone and laughs so hard when Dru says the word dictator she falls on the floor. There you go, a snippet in to my life. I talk a lot, maybe you can tell by this Blog... I talk to much... All know about the wall of shame (hehe) a ratio of 7 to 1. Not going to explain. ;) The problem is I love to share, and I really love talking and discussing... Shit see I could talk about this subject for hours. This is going to be another entry. I have other things to talk about. Fencing! Back to the car, I think when I got distracted I was sitting in the back seat blasting Comas my brothers were screaming and my mom was lecturing my dad... am I right? The energy in the car was bad. I couldn't hear anything but the feeling was cold and harsh. As if no one wanted to be there but felt like the others were forcing them. We finally got to fencing and honestly Matt kind of made it all ok. I just had to get out of that car. Otis was being really cool though he got added to my list of people who I have to convert in to music junkies. He listens to no music... I guess that's their choice but, no. Actually all my attempts on others have failed... So you know the game where you lay your hands on top of some one else's and try to move them away really fast before the other person hits them? Well Otis made me try to get him with his eyes open and I did, and once he closed his eyes he moved them away perfectly every time. So I tried, and it worked. But there is something very voulnerable about having your eyes closed. I'm standing in the middle of a room with all these fencers around me and for some reason it was very settling. Though it is scary when you don't know what's going on around you. You feel vulnerable but not scared. Well at least I didn't... Their is a difference.

I still have bruises from last week though... Don't know when the new ones are going to heal.
I borrowed anna's CFS sweatshirt. I love it.
Tomorrow were actually going to a party.
I got my first ever exercise related injury!! My ankle got hurt because I was wearing the wrong shoes in running. My first ever! I get to wear a special sleeve brace thing! And I got new running shoes for my soles...Blue coffee guy was there but my dad refused to take me in...
"Running with you is so different then running with my guy friends. You have to stop to get coffee just so you can see the guy working. Coffee isn't going to help you running."
"I know but I love him."

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had my first bloody nose at practice last night. Some guy was in the air and his elbow smacked me right in the nose.I couldn't open my eyes for awhile,it didnt ever hurt that bad it was just a new feeling.It kdsff when people were telling me not to bleed on the floor. when i was in the bathroom cleaning it up it i saw how creepy it looked.I really looked scary it was cool. it's stil really sore today and i had like bloody boogers this morning. I stayed up until 5 last night. I dont know why ,i wasnt even doing anything fun or important i was just playing madden and being depressed. I wish i had a good book to read that was addicting. I have the bob dylan book and i like it alot but i cant seem to get into reading it for hours straight. i woke up at 10:30 and my heaad was hurting so bad; i felt really weak. I went back to sleep and had very interesting dreams.(I always have dreams when i wake up and go back to sleep) I had one that i remember where a dog that everyone else liked kept on barking at me. it didnt bark at anyone else and its owners kept on saying it was just excited. After awhile it strated trying to bite me i grabed its mouth to stop it it was really weird and emotional.I guess i should mention that i have a fear of any dog that i dont know. Its like they can tell more about me than people. I watched scrubs last night. I was great as usuall. i loved the part about the sixth sense and the Kobe v shaq game, and the joke about the moth,and the part where turk was like im going to have sex im going to have sex.... it was so great. I think im going to watch Alias and Lost tonight i love those shows almost only becuase of the cheesey acting. But the writting is good and JJ abrams loves plot twists obviously. (alllllllmost as much as M. night) by the way am i the only one who liked the village and unbreakable? I kind of want to see million dollar baby even though its not the typical kind of genre i would like. I really liked Mystic river. I really like clint eastwood and hilary swank. so mabye i will like the movie even though i hate boxing/sports movies. Speaking of eastwood The good the Bad and The Ugly is my favorite western movie, even though the versoin i watched had the sound out of synch. I havent watched wish you were here/its a wonderfull life in awhile i think i will sometime soon i cant get enough of it. way more emotional than dark side of the moon.

That thing you were saying about arguments and talking to much is totaly the same for me. I'm usually the one that keeps on talking after everyone says shut up(the worst posible ending to and argument) but sometimes i can actually stop myself by isolation and tuning out. once my dad was yelling at my mom about me and i just kept on turning up the volume on the tv i got really really loud. I could still hear it though. then i went out when i heard my sister crying(she gets really emotional when my parents fight or when someone yells at her)

I thought i was the only one who felt that way about myself and who loves them self better ( well maybe not the only one check out On a plain by nivana from the unplugged show) than anyone else. But i hate myself at the same time. its weird. I envy some of what other people have or their skills but id rather be my loser self than one of them just like you.

Ive tried so hard to get people who are cool to like the music i like and it never works. some people just dont have the same feelings toward music.the see it as entertainment. so its how catchy a song is that makes it good not the complexity or lyrical genious or lack of complexity and lyrical gebious. they judge bob dylan purely one the way his voice sounds differant and dont understand the amazing lyrics he writes. the dont understand how Thome york doesnt necisarilly want you to understand what hes writting about by his lyrics but by the way he sings them. I had a music appreciation class and i was one of the only person who really liked the music besides my teacher. I feel like i sound elitist when i say this but i think its true to the way i feel. some people i wouldnt want to like the music i like becuase they dont deserve to. yeah that did sound bad. I love to close my eyes when most people wouldnt. have you ever ridden a roller coaster with your eyes closed the whole time. very relaxing. i have to go ttyl -keith

6:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im back again. I wanted to say some more things. I love hoddys almost as much as jeans that was random. I always am falling in love with random people i dont even really know.ive been thinking about it alot and i think its becuase i dont know enough about them not to like them. I dont know if this dude at th coffe shop is the same but it seems like it.dont get mad at me if you dont think so. Its really weird with me(the rate at which i fall in love with people) cause i get really really crazy about them and think about getting married and crap. Im always liking actresses (alot like you and topher grace i think) I'm trying to figure that out but i think one reason is that they act all the time so i feel like they have less of a tendancy to act when they are not being filmed. I feel like everyone else pretty much acts all the time. It probably also has a lot to do with the way most of them look (im of course a guy and extreamly un-imune to good smiles). but maybe its becuase they actually seem inteligent sometimes, not the intelectual kind of book learning inteligent but real inteligence where they now how to feel when they are acting and just the general way they talk on conan o'brien and david letterman(i think i usually like chicks that get their type of humor) every time that i see a movie with a hot girl in it that seems inteligent in this way (scarlet johansen in lost in translation ,kiera knightly in POTC(with her mabye cuase of her chemistry with one of my favorite actors(by the way have you seen sleepy hollow i love that movie just becuase of him and christopher walken)i hate orlando bloom i cant stand his acting and how he gets by on looks alone(you might not like that)but not the type that are in chick flicks and the like or on completly un entertaining tv shows oh another one tina fey i loved her for awhile.
that was a really strange section right there, i interupted myself, interupting my self.... oh well i hpoe i can understand myself better after this and that you might be able to understand youreslf better after this as a result. oh i was thinking about the loving ones self thing over diner and i realized that the reason i love myself is that i understand my self better than anyone else, in conection to what you said. I sometimes think that im not as unique as i thought i was when reading your posts cuase i usually feel similar if not exactly the same. sometimes i think maybe we arent alot alike at all and that or personality type is a dime a dozen i dont know if thats true or not but i think if it is i havent met anyone like you or me.maybe i live in the wrong city. do you know anyone who does the same weird things like look at ourself in the mior like we are on the truman show? youre the only person ive ever told that to but im pretty sure not to many people do the same(or at least would admit to doing it) oh well i guess you can never know if you are unique since you can never truly know that many people in your lifetime. on second thought i dont really care if im not unique in fact id rather i knew more peole that felt and thought like me you know what i mean? It makes you feel less isolated. well this is the most ive written in a while and id probably write more but my mom wants me to bring down my luandry so talk to you some time soon.

7:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im back again. I wanted to say some more things. I love hoddys almost as much as jeans that was random. I always am falling in love with random people i dont even really know.ive been thinking about it alot and i think its becuase i dont know enough about them not to like them. I dont know if this dude at th coffe shop is the same but it seems like it.dont get mad at me if you dont think so. Its really weird with me(the rate at which i fall in love with people) cause i get really really crazy about them and think about getting married and crap. Im always liking actresses (alot like you and topher grace i think) I'm trying to figure that out but i think one reason is that they act all the time so i feel like they have less of a tendancy to act when they are not being filmed. I feel like everyone else pretty much acts all the time. It probably also has a lot to do with the way most of them look (im of course a guy and extreamly un-imune to good smiles). but maybe its becuase they actually seem inteligent sometimes, not the intelectual kind of book learning inteligent but real inteligence where they now how to feel when they are acting and just the general way they talk on conan o'brien and david letterman(i think i usually like chicks that get their type of humor) every time that i see a movie with a hot girl in it that seems inteligent in this way (scarlet johansen in lost in translation ,kiera knightly in POTC(with her mabye cuase of her chemistry with one of my favorite actors(by the way have you seen sleepy hollow i love that movie just becuase of him and christopher walken)i hate orlando bloom i cant stand his acting and how he gets by on looks alone(you might not like that)but not the type that are in chick flicks and the like or on completly un entertaining tv shows oh another one tina fey i loved her for awhile.
that was a really strange section right there, i interupted myself, interupting my self.... oh well i hpoe i can understand myself better after this and that you might be able to understand youreslf better after this as a result. oh i was thinking about the loving ones self thing over diner and i realized that the reason i love myself is that i understand my self better than anyone else, in conection to what you said. I sometimes think that im not as unique as i thought i was when reading your posts cuase i usually feel similar if not exactly the same. sometimes i think maybe we arent alot alike at all and that or personality type is a dime a dozen i dont know if thats true or not but i think if it is i havent met anyone like you or me.maybe i live in the wrong city. do you know anyone who does the same weird things like look at ourself in the mior like we are on the truman show? youre the only person ive ever told that to but im pretty sure not to many people do the same(or at least would admit to doing it) oh well i guess you can never know if you are unique since you can never truly know that many people in your lifetime. on second thought i dont really care if im not unique in fact id rather i knew more peole that felt and thought like me you know what i mean? It makes you feel less isolated. well this is the most ive written in a while and id probably write more but my mom wants me to bring down my luandry so talk to you some time soon.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry for dubble posting it didnt i didnt read the note about it might not appear on the site for awhile

8:14 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

So i'm going to do the best I can to reply to that. I considered doing it as a post but then realized that maybe that wouldn't be the best idea. People can find it if they really want to though. Thank you keith for writing that. That made me so happy. And finally I can read your writing. You're a really amazing writer, I can even when your just replying and talking. I want to see more of what you write. I've never gotten a real bloody nose. I'm sorry about yours. I know what you mean about books. I started the Kite Runner but haven't been able to finish it yet. It sits there but hasn't been opened in about a week. Late at night I just sit on my floor or with my computer and look up stupid things and remember things. That's the time when I can really collect my thoughts. Scrubs for some reason when I watch it It's like it was written for me... and you and people like this. Especially because he likes the shins. I don't know. I love it. I actually just watched the episode on Tivo about 15 min. ago. Its great! Oh plot twists! I love those. O.C. all the way! can't wait for 8... the countdown begins. I really want to see Lost though. Haven't seen the village yet. Want to i guess.. Not to excited about Million Dollar Baby. I really hate boxing/sports movies. Never seen The Good the Bad and The Ugly. I should i know, and I will one day. I'm not huge on the wish you were here/its a wonderful life kind of thing. I like them just i'm a fan of the weird films with I don't know.. its just not my kind of thing i guess.

Trust me, I'm always the one talking after people tell me to shut up. I only get quiet when i'm really annoyed or mad. Or tired. I slept during 7th period today. I lay on the rafters and bunched my coat up and fell asleep. I learned I can fall asleep almost anywhere. I checked out the song. Perfect.

I know exactly what you mean about the music thing. I've attempted with so many people but music to me is the thing that you turn on when your feeling a certain way. When my mom asked me to put on counting crows in a play list I was giving her I told her I wouldn't. When she asked why, I said this is a happy song play list. I'm never going to listen to Counting Crows when i'm happy. You have to see how everything plays a part. I don't know you either get it or you don't. Some music i don't get but other do i guess. I just borrowed Bob Dylans entire collection redone. They are all loaded on my computer. His lyrics are the most amazing thing. And no about the elitist thing... that doesn't sound bad. I know exactly what you mean. I hate going to concerts with people who are just there to go. You know? Concerts also are the way to judge a musician. Green Day was really great, Jump Little Children are good. I'm trying to think of others that stand out. We have a small club (i guess you could call it) around here. Its great to see people in such a small space.

I've never ridden a roller coaster with my eyes closed. I'll try it sometime

The guy at the coffee shop is kind of the same. I think your right about you not knowing them. Its so easy to point out peoples flaws. That's why marriage really scares me. I don't see how i'm going to love someone that much forever. I think i'm kind of trusting that I will and trying not to think to much about it. You actually think about marriage with these people? I'm not that extreme but I do fall in love with people like that. Or bands, or plays. I get obsessed with something and can't let it go. I want to be with them or see it. I know everyone acts. And I hate that. But I act around everyone. I'm not always me. I'm me here. Maybe I shouldn't even say that. I'm the most here as I can be. Looks are well most actually. It changes how you think of people in a negative or positive way. It shouldn't be like that but it is and no one can deny it. Intelligent guys do it for me too. Seth on the O.C. likes my music, Topher Grace in that movie. I end up going for the underdogs. The ones that everyone likes because they're the cute geeky ones. I hate that. That sounds bad. But I feel like they should be mine because I listen to the same music as them and know what they're talking about. I completely know what you mean about Orlando. I hated him until POTC. I despised him... but then he's just so gorgeous. I still think he can't act but he can stand there and make me swoon. That's ok. You did help me actually. Kind of opened my eyes a tiny bit more. I interrupt myself all the time. My friends joke that I carry on conversations with myself that way.

I used to think it was my goal in life to be unique. Not in the annoying wear five hundred colors a day thing. Just in the thoughts thing. I'm sorry that i'm not different from you. I'll be disappointed though if everyone is like us. That sounds stupid. I don't know anyone that much like me. I have a few I can relate with but I end up turning to my dad which sucks, if thetas the best I can do. That's why I feel like I have to get out most of the time. Just out of this life, or even not the extreme just, out of here. Different things I don't know. I do love school and my friends just once in awhile I need to blast Shins and retreat in to my little world. So keep writing! And thanks again for this...
-Rebecca

7:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

one of the things i love about sruns is how he talks to himself all the time in his head im doing that constantly. i like the episode where hes like "this is the part where the sad music plays "dada da da dada da da" (its some kind of sappy song) i dont know if youll remember that but it was a good one. I love how he blends music into the show like the one where the mean doctor guy(i cant seem to get his name right now) divorces his wife and the have a party,, and they had becks lost cuase in the backround. i loved it cuase i already owned that cd and right when i heard the first part i was like yes!! it totaly fit the mood as well.

i'd be dissapointed if EVERYONE was like we are but i dont think they are i just meant that its nice to realize that there are some people in the world that are like you are.

i made a sweet mix for my sisters and my friends for christmas who usually dont like my music. alot of them liked it cuase i tried to put at least half songs that i knew they would like and half they probably wouldnt this is the tracklisting see if you like it (let me send you the live and unreleased songs)oh by the way have you heard the bright eyes cd? its really good i got it from that dude i was telling you about let me send you that too.

this mix is really sweet cuase its almost exactly 80 mins long so it almost fills a whole cd with good music. if i had to do it again i might not put the B and s song on it and the Nirvana song on it but they are good songs nonetheless. after i picked out the songs i arranged them in a certain order youll probably be able to figure it out.
ok here it is



1.We are gonna be friends - The white Stripes(live peel version get this from me) 02:21(the song that starts off a great movie i love)

2.Way on yonder in the minor key- Billy Bragg(woody guthrie) 04:04
(its from the wilco billy bragg thing where they did unrecorded woody guthrie songs)

3.You are my sunshine - Norman Blake 04:27 (yes that song from O brother its goes nicely with the one before)

4.Julia - The Bealtes (John Lennon) 02:54

5.I'm a cuckoo - Belle and Sebastian 05:26(i made this for people who dont want to hear to much low key music so thats why i put this here)

6.Van lear rose - Jack White (Loretta Lynn) 02:36(unreleased get this from me)

7.Fake plastic trees - Radiohead 03:53(great song enough said)

8.Jesus doesnt want me for a sunbeam - Nirvana 04:37 ( great song doesnt really tie into the rest of the mix though)

9.Delicate - Damien Rice 05:12

10.3rd planet - Modest Mouse 04:00

11.Perfect disguise - Modest Mouse 02:41

12.Bob Dylans beard - Wilco 02:22( this was on an ep they released on their websit for free)

13.Lost Cause - Beck 03:47 ( hey its that song!!)

14.Needle in the hay - Elliot Smith 04:16( the scene on royal tennenbuams is one of my favorites of all time(no exageration))

15.Wish you were here - Pink Floyd 05:34(ok this is great Have you even seen the WYWH\IAWL synch or are you just typicaly against those?)

16.Long time sunshine -RiversCuomo(Weezer)03:20 (another one you have to get from me it was on their unreleased album they did before pinkerton it was called songs from the black hole and was a space agey rock opera)

17.Golden age - Beck 04:36 ( beck returns)

18.Shelter from the storm - Bob Dylan 05:05(very very very great amazing song)

19.Sister - The white Stripes 02:53 (it ties in very well with the themes of we are gonna be friends so i thought it would be cool to end it this way,well not compleatly end it)

20.Long long long - The Bealtes(George Harrison) 03:04
(one of the most underated beatles songs)


if youve been to the shins board you might have seen this but i thought what the hey(dont worry i never say that)

oh its called songs i sing to myself/soundtrack in my head.

8:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow i was just looking over my post and i realized i spelled scrubs sruns or something like that lol well no time to check over the rest. hey get on you computer right now dont you know i have a game on friday and somewhere to go on saturday? when will we talk ? oh well this works too. hey my email is kaab85@hotmail.com and i never get emails(that arent porn scam ect. related) can you come on latter cuase those are the times im on.i have b ball like every day. the only reason i was on around 5 on wednesday was because i dont have a job now. that might change. do you have something going on around 8 through 12 ish? thats when you will most likely find me.
adios chica

8:34 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Course I remember that Scrubs. The mix is great! Or sounds awesome. Honestly I don't have many of those songs. I want the Rivers one so bad... Did you know his real name is Ben? Just thought i'd put that out there. I love Damian Rice...The beatles, white stripes, wilco god... I want to hear all those songs so badly. Well my shedule is crazy right now... Valentines Dance tomorrow wont be home until Saturday. But i'll email you no worries. Not now because i'm going to bed. Sad I know, but i'll turn on some Bob Dylan and try to read Kite Runner. Deffinitly want the bright eyes :) I'm probably now going to start searching the web for these songs I want to hear them all. Its a nice mix. Seems to flow well together. I agree about the Nirvana song though... a little out of place i think. I haven't been to the shins board in forever. Alright ttyl i guess. Maybe i'll talk to you not posting on my own blog. haha it worked i guess though. ok well bye.

10:38 PM  

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