Friday, February 11, 2005

Making it through

On tuesday I wrote an entry and the computer crashed. That's how my week is going. I just have to make it through Sunday, then finally I can rest and write and feel like I can be a little more me again.

Keith- I forgot to tell you, Dru says she would love to come ;)

I'm so sorry I can't write today. I have to study and rest and other things. My life is crazy, but Sunday just hold on until Sunday. The concert was so much fun. Sandi is so cool. or she just makes me feel very cool. Seeing the cave, hanging out with Cam at Mamma Dips, sitting in the back with nina just talking. How it sucks that were not older. I always have this feeling. I've been waiting forever to grow up. Now I finally am a little more and the feeling is stronger than ever. Nina and I are alike in so many ways. We were leaning against this cabinet and both of us looked at each other and cracked up. Cam comes up : What are you guys talking about? Nina: Debating weather to get a soda Me: actually talking about guys. Cam: Well take your pick. Smiled and left. The thing is that finally there were guys everywhere and we kept looking at each other and being like there are guys out there places, you just have to get out of your little world. I'm not saying there aren't guys in our world, but real guys. No, of course they're old. No worries there, just they were people. I'm not a person. Not yet at least. I can't drive, can't take support myself. Walking to Ninth street is my biggest accomplishment. Isn't that sad. My life consists of one endless line, because I can't do anything. The worst part is how frustrating it is. How we know there is another world out there we just have to wait to reach it. It's in sight to, but it's over the hill instead of around the corner. We can see it, we can, we have gotten close too. But we just aren't there yet. I understand that people say to treasure there childhood's. Yes we have little commitments, but we can't decide what commitments to have. We are stuck in this rut until we are about 16, or 18, maybe even 21. The thing is I love my friends but I also really love talking to people older than me. Hm.. I don't know. Nina and I sat on the bench thinking about who we could get to drive us to concerts. And how we were going to get out of this, this hell of being little. Being five feet one doesn't help. The problem is I get bored of being a kid. I get bored of the people around me and the way we are. Whenever I meet or hang out with different people I feel a bit of envy as if only I could be old enough to have these kind of friends. I'm sure that might be how it always is. I wouldn't trade my friends in for the world I just wish I could also live this double life. I wish I could pull off going to the cradle all the time and being in the music scene and ... other stuff. But instead I have to sit back and wait. And maybe i'm just impatient but it feels like i've been waiting for a very long time. And it sucks when your just waiting for your life to happen. I try to imbrue it and I have fun. I do, I think I embrace it pretty well for someone who just can't wait to get to college. The small luxuries of getting coffee at eleven at night if I so please. Driving to Charlotte one night because the Shins are playing. I can't wait, however bad that sounds. I can't wait to be able to be, and have my own life. This is something that's been troubling me for awhile. I might come back to it when I have the chance. But right now? I have to go do a play. Anyone who knows why you know how hard that's going to be for me. I just need to get through two more days. And I will. Then I can go back to the long and hard wait...

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