Thursday, February 17, 2005


I'm sitting in my kitchen, with my feet up on the kitchen table. I'm wearing my soccer shin guards and soffee's. My dad's huge sweatshirt/jacket thing is on me, and it's really very warm.

I can see myself in the window across from me. Hm you can guess what I’m thinking. We live about 40 feet away from our neighbors. Their kitchen is right across from ours. When it's dark outside and the light is on you can see everything clearly. Someone's over at their house, a woman shorter than the both of them, wearing a black turtleneck. Bigger than both of them too. She's drinking a glass of white wine, and stands against the counter. Our neighbors on the other hand are leaning against the counter. Everyone looks distressed, not happy or excited. Jean pulls the visitor with a small glance towards the dining room. They're gone now but the kitchen is spotless. A saltshaker is next to a large bottle of Tabasco sauce. Jean just walked in, put down a can of seltzer, left again and then walked up the stairs to their extra bedroom. I can tell because the lights follow her. I don't let them ever see my life. My blinds are always closed, shutting even the most innocent out.

I'm really cold.

The lights aren’t off though I know Jean came down about 3 minutes ago.

It's my father's birthday.

So, while I was randomly bored...

I found out why it's cold. My window is open again. I need to get that fixed.

.... I went to the American Idol site to find out more about the 24 contestants. No laughing, my mom makes me watch it with my brother for family bonding. Though I’m not going to say I don't like it. Whoa my parents just got home from dinner. They got home at seven... seriously I don't talk to my family anymore. The babies are screaming "Daddy, Daddy, we made you cards! Daddy, Daddy!" Ok well I was on the American Idol site looking at the contestants. If you click on each picture it will tell you something about the contestants. A little Q and A session of you know what I mean. You can check it out; well I was highly disappointed in them, the contestants. The last question is 'Who is the first person you would thank if you won'. They all thanked god. All accept 3 people. Ok four. I'm not going to turn this in to a religious bashing because bashing people's religion and faith is one of the worst things you can do. But honestly at first I wasn't excited when I read those. For someone like me who has been thinking about religion very seriously for the last year, I don't know. In my opinion putting faith in to god like that, so you've won American Idol and you believe that it's because of god, that he is going to be the first person you are going to thank. Just hear me out okay? This is how my mind works. So whenever I would click on another face I would be disappointed when I would see god down at the bottom. I believe so little in god, or in putting all your faith in one thing that it's hard for me to even imagine someone else feeling that way. I know people do, just reading those things bothered me too much. Nina thinks I don't go to midrasha because I hate it. I do hate it, its pointless, but also I don't believe anything anyone is saying. That's the reason i'm not being religious. ...coldplay, pause and sigh.... I find that everything is bullshit. Now that sounds shallow, saying that everything is bullshit... ok I agree its not all bull shit. Just a very large percentage.... ok a percent. the blowers daughter, again, pause and sigh..... But, whatever is thrown at me my mind makes ways of rebutting it. As if my mind won’t let me conform. Which is stupid of me I bet. That I can't let myself hear arguments for things like religion. But I firmly know that I don't believe that one person can tell me what to do with my body, or my mind. I live once, why would I give that up to someone else, or spend my entire time on earth thinking about the next time I’ll be here, or where I’m going later. I believe in souls, I believe in reincarnation, I believe that sitting in silence clearing your mind is the best way to achieve happiness.
Besides that I don't know what I believe yet. I salute Judaism because Jews focus on living instead of death. I love our rabbi, I love the synagogue, I love being Jewish. I wouldn't trade it for the world. We party more, we enjoy life, but I can't conform in that way. Sitting, listening to the Jewish Rabbi talk about kabala I’m disappointed in the traditions. Other people find them amazing and part of their culture, I find them terrifying. Am I not seeing the whole picture? If I’m not, try to enlighten me. Trust me, in my mind I’ve played out millions of arguments. I'd like to hear more. Buddhism, Hinduism, and Judisum are my favorites i guess, i'm somewhere in-between. I don't believe in nothing, I just not quite believe in anything either. I guess that's classifies me as an agnostic, but I don't want to be called one. I know i don't believe in nothing, but i know i don't believe in certain any things. Am I losing you? Hang on... I’m almost done.

Ok can we put this on a pause maybe?!? It's taken me about 4 hours to write this on and off and my mom is making me sleep. I'll continue later... i promise. This isn't edited either. But it will be. Just hang in there please? I'll edit it and add on...



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