Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Weezer Single

I get home and guess whats waiting for me at the itunes music store!!!
Weezers new single :) :) Finally god damn took them long enough

Weezer= my hero

I'll write tons tomorrow or something, don't worry. I haven't stopped thinking about what i'm going to write on here.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

leaving

I will see you when I return...

Oh Yoko... in the middle of the night I call your name... Oh Yoko...Oh Yoko.. My love will turn you on...

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Math Class Tribute

So guess where I am.

Its not that hard. I'm in my bed with the lights off again. Except i'm listening to James tonight... *Sigh* Fire and Rain is my third most played song, after the Shins. I haven't listened to the Shins for so long. They bring back all these memories i'm subtly trying to forget. The concert in Asheville is 18+ though... but Sandi said we can get dad to call.

Everyone knows that everything I type on my blog i would share with everyone any ways, right. Sandi and I were talking about this today with her live journal. I'm not hiding anything. Actually I am, I hide a lot but late at night I slip under my covers with my laptop on my lap and i'm really happy. A few people I don't hide with and they know who they are.

I just reread my entire blog. It took awhile. Matt read it, which made me want to make sure I said nothing on here that I shouldn't have. I didn't change anything. Their are a lot of small typos in here. I'm sorry. You know what i'm trying to say, spell check automatically changes things. ;) I ... love how Matt read it. I found this brilliant new song tonight. It played on the OC on Thursday. (lets see five days until i'll be there)(!) Brendan Benson... What I'm Looking For. I searched for awhile to find a free download I wanted it so badly. Download If you save the page as an MP3 then you can load it on itunes. So now its on my ipod! I'm so handy. Oh Yoko is always stuck in my head. I blame Keith.

I got in an argument with Ryan during second period... ok not an argument. A friendly discussion (unlike the ones i have with Samantha about legalizing pot) about the meaning of Fire and Rain. I promise you his friend died, while Ryan thinks she just checked out of the hospital. I'm looking it up now. Oh! the other site Georgia turned me on to last night. Ah, me being a music geek. OC music have fun. YES! i think i'm right! Look! She did commit suicide! Holy shit i'm cruel.

James Taylor makes me think of the long talks we would all have in Canada. Driving from one end of the island to the other arguing about his heroin addiction.

Last year my parents found this spot about a mile from the road. My dad brought me to it one night and we walked under these huge trees until we came looking out upon the water. A small clear pool lay under this old willow tree. Starfish sat in the water, and a huge mountain hung behind us. As we always do me and dad talked about trust, and the odyssey, boys, this old rusty pole was stuck in the rock so if you wanted to swim you could climb in holding on to it. The water was shallow at low tide and I kept sliding down it, getting better and better each time. Sure it was childish but i didn't care and I don't care now. We talked for over two hours next to the bright blue water that we were basically standing on. Once in awhile I would stand up and we would jump across a few rocks. I attempted to climb a tree a few times, but yet we still talked. These are one of those memories you try to tell a hundred times. It was one of the most content memories i have. I understood life for a few moments there. It left as quickly as it came, but it was there. You don't believe me? Then don't, I didn't want to ever leave after that day. That day is the reason I have to go back to that island. I've grown up so much since then. I have to keep saying that but its true. This year was such a step up. Now I feel like it was useless to explain that memory to all of you. (you? who are you anymore) It was such an important moment the only way I can describe it is if I half brush it off. Does that make sense?

I'm scared now. I have things to lose, have I told you that already? Suddenly I care more than I should.

Can I tell you all something very very dumb. I'm very scared about the end of Math Class. I think only us six really get it. Not to block out everyone else, that's not what its like. Its us six sitting in the annex Thursday with no teacher. Michael plays absentmindedly with the blinds cord as usual. It wrapped around his finger as he pulls it back and forth. I lie in the corner of the big couch. I'm curled up and messing with my hiking boots. Josh sits across from us slowly cursing under his breath. A few weeks ago our entire class got in a 'debate'. We do Mathletes sheets every week, I had rounded to the nearest hundredth instead of the tenth. I had done this on two different problems. They were correct just had an extra number on the end. I was defending my argument of why I should get full credit. Dru and Nate were both bribed by me to go on my side while Michael fought tooth and nail against me. I usually don't pull a Samantha and start screaming at the class. I didn't quite. Instead I just told them this was stupid very loudly and told David that I would hate him forever if he didn't give me full credit. The next day the argument continued. That time I ended up glaring at Michael while Josh repeated himself with his one argument. "Fuck you." I ended up getting half credit. It's to much effort to care still. Ah lunch, Nate locking the keys in the car. The mints at Chinese 35. Dru and I pestering David endlessly about his alleged affair with Leon. And as Dru likes to remind me constantly the time I called David "Hot and sexy," On accident, I swear I swear! After Dru added "No Rebecca just dreams about teachers." Thanks Dru! David if you haven't realized is our teacher, but as we tell him he can never love a class as much as us ever. We are so cruel to the poor man but we love him more than anything. He lets us be us in a way no other teacher can. The thing is once in awhile we do learn, in-between Michael complaining and explaining. "Let me just show you," "No Michael David can do it just fine." Nate playing paper football on his calculator, Dru and I giggling, and Josh cursing. Our dumb plans of how we are going to fake confusion at the next postulate. The way we fight one extra point on a test. And the reminder that we will never have us just us again after this year. I attempt to draw perfect circles on the board, before Dru and I give all the guys pleading looks as we beg to borrow their calculators. Dru and I doing our homework in the bathroom before class. My lack of being able to be quiet when I laugh. Begging to read Monday Notes and me always drinking David's black coffee.
Thursday it was like how it used to be when David neglected us for that short period of time. Michael is still playing with the cord as i'm showing off my fencing bruises to Nate. Dru is off near the cubbies with Henry listening to Pearl Jam on his Ipod. She soon comes over and I launch in to some story about my life. I reasure everyone I know what basketball team is playing what team this weekend though secretly I have no idea. Michael begs me to come to the volleyball game again and I want to go. Josh is still cursing and before I know it Henry is lying on the top of the couch with his clogs very near my head. I laugh as Henry stands up again brushing himself off. He soon sits on the couch across from us as Dru looks out the window and points 'Oh! hot people!" I stand to see Aubrey and Sho. Nate wraps on the window and we all duck as a unit, soon realizing that was dumb we all sit up again. Dru and Michael start to argue about French and I sigh, turning to Nate about Spanish homework. We both realize we should do it before its due in about an hour. Soon all of us are sitting still. None of us have anything to say. Henry pipes up with the only thing he can... 'Kemps?" We all groan. Dru and I smile, there's no point in playing any ways. We always win. Josh and Nate always lose and Henry and Michael are close contenders. Our Kemp playing days have been long over. We sat for a few more moments until Michael says, "You all have to talk to me after I leave this year." Of course we will , we reasure him though we can't be certain it will be true. We go around asking each person if they are staying or not. No one knows for certain. Things that are certain scare us. We are certain though that goofing off with a few smart kids is kind of fun. I hate how much I enjoy this class, this group of people. My small ramblings was my way to attempt to tell you what we do in the Annex for forty five minutes everyday. Thursday we all decided we wanted to only eat lunch with each other. We ran down to the school store and stalked up on Peanut M&M's and Chips Ahoy. Were all ready to have our picnic lunch when Nancy comes in. Her face is harsh and we quickly stash the food in our pockets. We are sent out and as we gather our back packs we slowly head back to the main building. I hand out the M&M's any ways.

The play at DSA was quite fun last night. Fowlers was fun, Blueberry lollypops kind of gross. Matt? phobia about germs. haha. besides that he's great. But seriously the lollypop tasted really bad. Georgia? felt awkward. Nina freaked out a tiny bit before we headed to fowlers. I for one had a fine time. ;) So I guess I have a boyfriend now. I mean yeah. I'm slowly getting over my commitment phobia because i'm realizing its not that bad. Actually it can be kind of nice. Really nice. Hm boyfriends aren't that bad. :) Chai lattes are brilliant, brilliant. I wish I was english. Or something super cool like that. I am so tired. Its so funny, I don't want to go to bed because then I have to brush my teeth and play my song and take my contacts out... but I don't really want to type anymore either. I hope you guys have fun reading this mess of my life.

I really look up to those who went to Fayetville today, Fort Bragg I think. Maybe not, they unlike the rest of us lazy slobs are marching against this war. All i'm doing is preaching. Damn president...

Saturday, March 19, 2005

There

I'm at Mad Hatter and Mark is sitting right across the room from me. He is wearing this gray sweatshirt with a silver pot leave on the black. His jeans are rolled up to be capris and his shoes are maroon and blue. He is sitting across from this girl who i've seen around Durham. Mark's glasses are wonderfull. He's eating eggs i think. I keep attempting to stare at him. I'm failing. He is right there... a table is inbetween us. Those people keep giving me strange looks. I love it.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Rain

I've turned off all the lights and the only source of sight it from my power cable connected to my computer. My speakers are playing on shuffle and the music seems like its coming from the room. I can't see the speakers in the dark. I don't know exactly where i am compared to my bookshelves but i'm calm. It doesn't feel like Wednesday. Rain does that to you. I wonder if I have homework. If I do I haven't done it. I stand up to close the window but its not open. I've been waiting to think all day.
My classes were repetitive and though the day was cold and rainy all i wanted was to be outside. I walked to the library without my coat second period and again during lunch. I liked the idea of it.
I cunningly got Nate and I able to go to a special spanish study during silent reading. I asked with a pleading look on my face while expressing both Nat and I are failing. Our teacher agreed after telling us"'we will have to see how far we get." Fifth period is dance. About forty five minutes in to the class we are told we can go freely. Both of us smile and run to get our shoes on. I for one enjoy the long walk to spanish class. I wore my boots today, as they were lying on my floor and looked wonderfully comfortable. We walked out of the center building and I rejoiced at our cunning for a few moments. We will head to spanish, of course we will, just in a few minutes. As we walk towards the main building i stop. For once i'm carrying nothing in my hands and I stand to stick out my tongue. Nate laughs and says "I haven't done that since i was five"
"Well Nate," I insist "I'm five in heart." He smiles and keeps walking until he realizes i haven't moved. I'm still standing with my tongue out as the rain falls harder and harder on my jacket. Nate joins me, then I run up a little bit towards that annex. I stand again trying to find the optimal rain falling spot. Nate follows me as I run from one place to the next. Attempting and attempting to catch more and more on my tongue. I know i look dumb, but I don't care. No ones around and this is unusual for our campus. Its a small campus but a busy one. No cars are driving by and no kids are flailing themselves out in the sunlight. I get bored of that spot and Nate turns to me. "There has got to be a better place." I nod and soon run towards the pavement next to the quaker dome. I'm way ahead of Nate who has hesitated. He follows anyways though.
As i'm hopping in place I look at him. "You didn't have to follow me you know."
"I know, but I don't want to walk all the way to Spanish alone."
"all right, whatever."
I find the perfect place then test the wind. This way... I stand facing a huge tree that borders the sidewalk one takes when they go to the gym.
We both stand for awhile. I don't want to move. The rain hits my tongue every other drop. It lands in my eyes more, but they are tightly closed. The wind is coming at me but my big green coat is keeping me warm. My boots are sopping wet but as they are boots I don't mind. The rain falls and falls harder and harder. Nate keeps glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. He is trying to be as inattentive as me, he's trying really hard. I'm laughing at my own stupidity. Still tonight I have this clear image of the rain falling past the tree right towards me. The parking lot loom's ahead while the main building is to are left. Nate stands looking cold off to my left and no one is around. When i look down on the pavement the rain is gathering at a small down hill where they have a gutter. The water twists and turns around our feet. My hair is really wet now though I didn't notice. I laugh one more time and Nate jerks his head towards the spanish room and laughs. I nod, "That was definitely the best spot."
"Wasn't that great?" I say to Nate as we start our slow journey out of the rain. The next thing out of Nate's mouth surprises me "Now, whenever it rains I will always think of this," I let him go on "twenty years from now it will rain and I will think about this and remember it... and that girl Rebecca." I'm monetarily stunned honestly. I slow down a little ... "Exactly," I know he's trying to be nice and flirt with me so i say back "And I will always remember that kid Nate."
He smiles at my response then says "That smart math girl." I roll my eyes. " Um Nate that basketball kid."
Nate turns to me as we walk in the door. "well I like smart math girls." I respond with the only thing I can "Basketballs not to bad either."
I thought I had lied. I thought I wouldn't remember. That's because I was to busy remembering the last time it rained. Friday, walking around outside Toreros. Which is quite a nice memory. Even better than this one. But I couldn't stop thinking about the way the rain fell right on my tongue at that certain spot.
I don't usually forget when things happen in the rain. When I was eight we stayed in the house next to Nina's. The old house on Wilit Road. Even now its described as that... "The house on Willit Road." It was pouring rain and we went outside to dance, naked in the rain. We were to scared to step off the porch though we kept daring each other. I bet she doesn't remember. I remember everything about that house perfectly. The lightning was so loud as we danced on the wooden porch. I think it ended in tears as most good things do. Or last year the first dance, where the fire alarm went off and we all ran outside to the quaker dome. That's the night Louise attempted to kill herself. I read this thing about it today... i'm being vague on purpose... suddenly i got it. The rain was coming down hard and all the kids ran for shelter. I remembered it as the best dance i'd ever been to. The pouring rain during math class. Running to the main building to the annex between classes. The bridge overflowing and having no way to get to the library, and the small idea that you don't actually have to do anything when it rains. Instead you fool your brain in to the thought that you don't have to work when it rains, its an excuse to sit for awhile. The smart math girl doesn't mind a little rain. As my mom says, "My grandmother used to say, your not made of sugar. Your not going to melt."
Nate and I took about five extra minutes to get our backpacks and walk all the way down to spanish. We walked as slowly as we could.
Once we got a little closer I dropped my backpack promptly on the ground. I stood to stick out my tongue again before sighing. The moment was over. I wouldn't be able to find a better place. Nate picked up my soaking backpack from the ground. The light blue was darker. "It's wet," Nate stated
I laughed then cursed. "My cell phone" I shrugged
"Well," Nate said ,"Maybe you're going to have to get a new better one now."
"Ah, your an optimist."

During Spanish class i beat Nate 2 to 1 in tic tac toe. This morning I beat Sam R. twice.

When we got in spanish class Kirsten gives us a disapproving look. "You guys are so wet!"

"Its really pouring out there."

Monday, March 14, 2005

Hour

Its an amazing thing when you find the perfect song that matches with the your perfect moment. The minute the song comes on you know that its going to be repeated and repeated as it fits perfectly with not only your mood but that moment. This happens to me a lot. Its the song that I listen to while I do my math homework every night. I sit on the floor in front of my mirror with my speakers on repeat and repeat. These are the songs that I dance to while I brush my teeth, I bounce around my room and they are the reason that's my favorite part of my day. They are the reason I want to write, I want to share how much I love how these songs and feelings coincide. Last night I downloaded Delicate. Not expecting anything I played this song and had to pause as I leaned against my chair. I slowly turned up the volume and sat back. Holy Shit i found the song. I got it at around ten last night. I've listened to it more than twenty times since then.
Last Night I sat at my computer talking to a few people online, the song played in the back round and I cried. No reason, none at all. It wasn't even a real cry really. Just a pause in my life. About two weeks ago we were asked in fifth period to come up with a school memory. I couldn't come up with a good one. When I came home I thought and thought and all I wanted was life to pause for an hour. So I could have an extra hour, just one to finally remember everything. To grab everything and keep it in my mind before it leaves. These past two years have been the best years of my life so far and I want to remember everything perfectly. I was disappointed that I couldn't think of anything. I ended up choosing some random memory of some of my girl friends hanging out in Leon's area. That was because everything this year that I wanted to remember and have remembered I can't explain. I don't want to dwell on them, I don't want to cry in joy or in disappointment. I just want to get through fifth period as easily as I can. I didn't get that hour. I'm still waiting for it.

Its so interesting when you discover something you should have discovered years ago. Or someone. That has happened to me this year, or maybe the timing is right for everything.

A song gets me in a way no other person could.

Sunday was the worst day ever. I got home and collapsed after fencing which is wear Delicate came in. I started Sabre. I didn't want to go to school today. Last night I had no reason to go and no ambition to get out of bed this morning. My dad lured me with coffee. It helped a lot. Delicate was played this morning again as I got dressed. Ben Kweller Lizzy was in my head all day. I kept singing that one line..."Like your momma says... don't let it go to your head." Maybe that was a sign. Saturday night i watched the first have of Dodge ball before my dad knocks on my door at one in the morning. "I can't sleep will you keep me company downstairs?"
I nod
"Something's in my bed, dirt or sand or something." He sighs and slowly turns towards the stairs. The blanket is curled up over his head and he clutches a pillow in his hand. I followed him downstairs. He gets out a bottle of wine and another blanket. We watch Double Indemnity until two thirty in the morning. I admire the woman character and my dad laughs at my impulsive decision to take sides with the woman. She is smarter though, and more powerful than any of the man characters. Yes, she is the villain but she portrays it in such a perfect way.

Today Dru, Jeramie and I were hanging out in the library after school before soccer. Excuse me we were working on our projects in the library after school. As we walked towards the school from the library Jeramie is up ahead as she walks faster than us. All of us our laughing at the great things we had just done. Dru turns to me, "A step closer to becoming the Ghost World girls!" I smile and say "Yes!" and we run to catch up with Jeramie. As it is Pie Day the school handed out cookies and us three ran in to the staff room asking Ida and Debbie for our share. "We were working though," we say as they hand us the plate. Debbie smiles and turns to Dru and Jeramie "Just like you were working in my room?" For some reason I find this really hysterical. Now I'm just laughing at how funny I thought it was. Dru turns to me laughing. "Rebecca, you weren't even there" "I know," I gasp "But I can Imagine." The story was exactly how I thought it would be, it wasn't very funny at all. Now sitting in my bed I don't see what was great.

Ryan/Scott/ maybe Matt might be coming to our game on Thurs. I'm going to strongly discourage Matt from coming I think. Well we just need to get the critical people out of the way ... a.k.a. Sam R. Sam finds me before fifth period all flustered and nervous. He was obviously thinking that I was going to respond to all of his actions today in a different way. I kind of rubbed them off. After soccer Georgia and me well, started to talk in the bathroom. It was filled with younger girls and the minute I started... Sam came up to me... it goes silent. Georgia then proceeds to talk about how many guys like me in a jealous sort of synical way. She has nothing to be jealous of, you would know why if you ever met Georgia. They don't all like me, that's untrue. Trust me we talked about it and added it up. Its not as many as she led on in the bathroom. So now all these girls are going to run to their friends, as I told Georgia everything about my life in that bathroom. After we had finished talking she turns to the people around her..."Now what have we learned about rebecca in this session?" I love Georgia. I love her so much. Their are only a few people I actually stand up for, isn't that sad. Well You can guess probably who they are. Its not that hard, I am the only one who can tease them and I wont let anyone else do the job. I'm not talking about Georgia anymore, she doesn't really need anyone to stand up for her.

Today wasn’t as bad as I assumed it would be. Still waiting on DSA.

Delicate will now be played as I slowly close up my computer. I'll wash my face, brush my teeth and sit for awhile until the song is done. Then, slowly i'll take my contacts out and crawl under my covers. In only five minutes i'll be sound asleep with my song playing in my head.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Delicate

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Does it matter?

Max :how are you holding up?
Herman I'm a little lonely these days

Max: I saved Latin. what did you ever do?

Herman: Kids don't like it when thier parents get divorced.

Herman: She's my Rushmore
Max: I know. She was mine too.

March 12

It's Saturday March 12 2005. I've just spent the last four hours in Chapel Hill at the planetarium with my little brothers and Dad. My dad left to go have some time and my brothers are downstairs screaming. I haven't written for awhile. I know, some people care others dont. It's not nothing i haven't written for a reason. I've been scared, scared of what i'll write and what others will read. It's become a small block while I sit here knowing who is reading it. Most people I don't care. Honestly I tell them any ways. Other times I find myself pausing and stopping, maybe this is good for me. How much should i be writing? So I found myself slowly stepping away from the blog. I love that people read it, but I decided it would have to end. Maybe not just end but to I don't know step way back and maybe write somewhere online where only the people who find it get to read. The people who make the effort. Wait wait don't give up on me yet. You know me, i'm never serious about stuff like that. This happened Wednesday and by the next morning I found myself itching to write. I can't not, it's an addiction. I'm seriously addicted to this blog. I've tried to find ways around it but I read Jeramie's blog entry about a half hour ago and I had to write again, suddenly. So I haven't stopped. I think about it constantly I try to make sense. But the thing about here is it's just meant to be here. Its solely based on selfish needs of me. I could sit here and write for hours. Its not good for me I know that and understand it. Just i'm going to go with the flow. That is a recurring theme in everything this week. Thank god nothing was planned. I love this movie i'm making for second period about school. I've taken some great pictures. I'm going to post it once i'm done if it works. I also really want to update the blog. Get a new header thing... put in some more HTML code. I've been reassigned to baby-sitting duty. Its nice as i don't have to be online to write. I'm watching Dora the Explorer which is the only place I actually learn spanish. Leo, yes leo is folding clothes and putting them in piles. He cleaned my room yesterday. Woah! My movie looks so cool. Its so sad that I have little anything but my friends in it. Today I called Hannah while Leo was playing in the gift shop of the Planetarium. "Leo, honey you have to put that down don't let it go rolling all around the floor." Hannah on the other line laughs... "You sound just like a mom. Exactly like a mom." Being older than them is so much fun in that way. That I can be the big scary older sister who doesn't get them in trouble but can take care of them. I just wish that Sasha acted more like a brother sometimes. I long for that bond of siblings where you can give each other looks when your parents act up or have some inside joke. Even if you tease each other things like that exist. Me and Sasha don't have that. Usually its him and dad teasing me or us teasing him. Dora and her friends are jumping up and down. Boots is cute. I want them to sing in spanish so I can see if I understand it. At Torerros yesterday nina says "I can't imagine you speaking any other language than English." I told her I know a few words in spanish. One of the other kids is like I can see you speaking French. I was like NO! I would like to learn Italian. Matt turns around a little. "Otis is Italian," No he's not, I say, but he does speak French. Matt:"Oh right he's French." I mentioned my blog yesterday and Matt goes.. "Even I haven't read it." I didn't ask him about it again but secretly I wanted him to ask so I could say something along the lines of "I've mentioned you in it." Dora is over now. I ask Leo if I can listen to my new music. Ok not new music. Take these broken wings and learn to fly... all your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise ... Honestly i've never heard this song all the way through on a CD. I bought it today. The white album. Black Bird Flies... In to the line of the dark black night... This is definitely what I need right now. Wednesday I fell asleep at seven o clock listening to The Blowers Daughter on repeat. I curled up and fell asleep. I'm scared now I have the white album I won't listen to anything else. That's okay isn't it. I love Rocky Raccoon. They are head and shoulders above all other artist, or maybe they are on the same level as Dylan. The Blowers Daughter... I forbidden officially now to see Closer. This song has changed everyone's lives. Well whoever has listened to it. I didn't like it the first time I heard it. Now I can't stop singing it in my head. At fencing on Tuesday I was getting water at the water fountain and as I was leaning down i paused and suddenly plugged my ears. I looked up and said excited "YES!" I turned to Matt who was standing next to the fountain. "don't you hate how you have to listen for awhile to the song that is in your head to get to the chorus until you know what song it is?" Matt gave me a funny look, nodded, then stopped saying "You know I have no idea what your talking about." He laughed. I smiled "Yeah never mind." Fencing was all right... I was really tired on Tuesday. And distracted for various reasons. Um yeah. My mom came home with my brother. He placed third this week out of 22 people. For those who don't know my brother is a Yugio player. One that wins a lot for it too. Georgia's been a really good friend this week. Not like she isn't usually, but i've noticed it more this week. Yesterday at Torerros Nina was awesome. Really great actually, on Thursday after our soccer game Aja drove me home. As we were sitting in a driveway as her mom picked her sister up at a friends house we talked. I asked her who her best friend was and Aja gave me an impressive look. Right, i said, of course Rosa. Aja: "Yeah of course, no matter what she's always my best friend. " I nodded its the same with Nina. I have tons of friends but no matter what she's always going to be my 'best friend" We've past the friend faze now were just kind of sisters or cousins or something where nothing matters that much. Torerros was the first time Matt had seen me and Nina together. We were worse than him and Ryan. That's sad isn't it. We would interrupt each other and knew what they were thinking. We don't breath... we just kind of talk as a unit. I miss Dru. We watched the game during sixth yesterday. I attempted to be a good UNC fan. Michael complimented me on it later. I was trying really hard to be good at it. We won by three points or something. As we were walking to spanish Nate says "How did you enjoy watching basketball Rebecca?" *double lives* *double lives* haha georgia knows what i'm talking about. hahahahahahahaha yes its true except not really anymore except well i don't know. The rain was gorgeous yesterday though it was kind of cold... At five thirty I have to walk my dog i bet. Hm wow okay so now i'm going to end but just say that yesterday was really fun... today was kind of fun... and tomorrow will be fun, hopefully. Woah... i've been typing for an hour and still haven't gotten my point across. What I was meaning to accomplish with this entry was that i'm going to work on this blog. I'm going to spend some time writing and wandering around. Sadly enough my life outside of the internet is kind of becoming a little more important. So if I don't write for a week i'm not stopping. If I don't write for two weeks i'm not stopping. Not yet, maybe something will change. Just hold on. My entrees will get better and I will actually write soon. Just right now I need to take a small little break from writing every night. I need to sleep, its completely changed everything now that I go to bed at a decent hour. (don't tell my mom i said that :) ) So I don't know what is going to happen right now in my life i'm just kind of taking them as they come. Sweet a new People came. Damn I started saying sweet.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Good Day

So this teachers an ass. This teacher the big one who can't stand up for you if another teacher doesn't like you. Yeah, that teacher who is so skeptical and old, and doesn't know anything about feelings, or thoughts, or teaching. The teacher who was trying to pull off talking behind my back until I happen to come up behind and Dru just happened to point to me and he just happened to try to cover for himself. Ass... Please let me complain about this for a minute. The rest of my day was awesome actually and this isn't even bad. I just hate this teacher right now, and I have since about November, when he um was just acting like him. Does anyone realize he led me on?!?! He led me on to believe and then as it is Friends School people can't get ahead can they. No, so now he doesn't believe anything and he's trying to cover for the fact that he was really kind of mean to me.

That's all i'm done. Just thought I could complain for a second. So everyone knows what happened at joe's party... which is funny because nothing happened.


Today we went to the PO center to take two different Sex and decision making classes. It was good fun. Especially when two different guys are paying a lot of attention to you. We ended up talking about different things... me and Sam mostly. Jeramie avoided Joe, thats how the story goes. Seventh period was awesome, more guys all hanging around talking to me. Its sad how much I enjoy that. Sam r. was being normal, funny, way to hyper but still cool. But he wasn't acting like an ass, and i'm proud of him for that. And Sam S. idk... we talked... talking is good.

all right i'm leaving to go write Shayna a letter (!). Very good day, very very good day. But i'll write more later today... so stay tuned my friends.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Rasterbate

Suddenly this site has been getting a lot of attention. I did one awhile back or my brothers. The one of Oliver is falling down but i'll paste it later. I like Leo's better though.

leo1

Unrasterbated



leo1


Rasterbated

Like it? Any other cool pics I should put up on my wall?

My desk

Oh wow i'm in a good mood. If only Nina wasn't busy all weekend. I made a list of all the songs that I love listening to. I connect my ipod to my speakers and play it on shuffle. Its the most wonderfull fealing when something that you want to play randomly plays. As if god actually loves you more than anyone else.

my desk


Its my desk...

I took this picture last night.

Upward Over The Mountain

Joe's party woot woot.

Hm what to say on the subject... it was really fun. Red Dragon is scary but Edward Nortan makes up for it. ;) hehe well i was scared with nate so it was all okay. Right.. today I was wearing Spencer H.'s sun glasses. Everyone said they looked better on me. They were like the big ass ones in Almost Famous (god I love that movie) and I looked like a hot rock star. So i'm buying them from him on monday if he likes it or not. I love them. I wore them during settling out and spencer kept whispering in my ear "No one is noticing you." I turned to him. "Everyone is noticing me Spencer."

Soccer was great. Really really great. I stopped Sarah and Dru once in awhile. Molli told me that I can't not talk about myself in five minutes. She said it to make me mad... later she told me she swore it wasn't true. I've been thinking about it since then. I can, I can talk about other people. Don't think that I don't. Because I really do. God, I make such an effort to listen to other people. Even if it doesn't show.

I'm listening to Say It Ain't So right now... Weezer... I love them. I'm going to their band site right now. Oh i love Rivers. Haha... is so brilliant. Like father step father the sun is drowning in to ohhh yeah yeeeeah yeah yeah .... do do dum dum dum do do say it aint so woo...

God i'm in a weird mood. I drank a tiny bit of coke at the party but I'm so tired its not going to take affect. And by tiny i mean like a quarter of a glass. That doesn't really count does it? Oh Wonderwall is playing now... Ryan Adams version.

We had a soccer game Thursday. On the bus, Georgia, Dru, and I all took out our ipods. I'm actually using my dads as mine is broken. Georgia switches her Ipod for mine. She plays me her favorite Iron & Wine and I play her some Ben Kweller. Her ipod has a blue cover. The bus was really loud so the volume was at the very highest. And the music blocked out the voices of the bus full of girls. Upward Over the Mountain is playing and as i look around me It's the perfect soundtrack to the motions. Nothing should have moved. The song should have gone on forever and everyone should have been exactly as they were. I see my life as movie, as If everyone is watching me. Time stood still for a second, just that time when I was listening to that song and life kind of moved around me. I wasn't moving with it anymore.

all right I have to sleep. I'm tired Friday thank the lord. I have this huge fucking bruise from fencing. Its so big. It hurts a lot. I We were doing sprints in soccer and as we were running to the half way my foot fell wrong, snapped in a loud way and Allie fell on top of me. All the girls continued to run and Dylan shouts out "Man down, Don't run down Rebecca." My foot still hurts. I got up and ran on it again thinking I should finish my sprints. That was dumb wasn't it? David and Audrey are here. That should be fun. I'm actually kind of excited about tomorrow. It should be good.

Wow my brothers just woke up. I’m so glad i’m not the parent.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Geometry

My biggest fear last year was that life couldn't get better it had to get worse.
I kept talking bringing up that fear last year, I would have had an amazing day and I would come home and explain... Things have got to get worse. Something terrible is going to happen. Then things got better and better last year. One after another of perfect wonderful things. Humans are brought up to know that happiness can't last forever. The world is a terrible, terrifying place full of tragedy and heart break. We have to learn that, and I tried to prepare myself. And things did get worse. Not at first, but gradually things happened that got in my way. Disappointments that being me i shoved off. Maybe this is a weakness or a strength. I can't quite tell. I try to turn things around. It's interesting when you think something is going to happen and it doesn't. Dealing with that disappointment. Even if its something small, like, expecting someone not to be so self centered and then they prove you wrong. Or bigger things, i don't know. I was disappointed a lot this year. I didn't let on much I think. Adam when I was talking to him yesterday says..."Well, why didn't you talk to me about it if you were upset?"
"Because I thought it would go away."
"That didn't really happen did it?"
"No, It kept being brought up and it wouldn't go away."
"Well I could tell you were upset"
So maybe some people can tell. Maybe I just fool myself in to thinking they can't. When I don't do well on something i get embarrassed. As if I have to show people that nothing can effect me. I work around the tuff stuff. i don't have that much to complain about really. Who's known me this year knows the few things that made my life worse. School issues, people, friends, yearbook, play (god dammit! seriously fuck all of that), adam i guess. But I look back on it now and I can't help but sigh in a disapproving way. I hate when people blame you for feeling sad by saying that people out there are starving or being beaten. Those people don't get it do they. Yes, my life is better than more that half the worlds. My life is probably better than 98% of everyone else's. But I still have every right to be miserable. Don't take away that pleasure. My dad says i lack stoicism. He told me this about a month ago when I went running with him and complained the entire time. But dad, I tried to tell him, I have to complain or I can't get through the running. Since then he likes to remind me that i'm not stoic at regular intervals. I can't disagree with him. I'm definitely lacking in the stoicism department. Back to my first point. Humans lives are awful. Most of the time I don't see why people put up with it. The reason is that you take the good with the bad. Mostly the good outweighs it. Yesterday was the first day in a very long time that i told my self something terrible is going to have to happen. Everything I brace myself waiting for the blow to hit, so when it does i feel as little pain as possible. Now i'm scared i'm harsh with people. My two personalities clash... one being scared of the pain in life.. the other believing you live once you better embrace it.

Kate Winslet should have won the oscar.

I was reading the journal i just finished last night for the first time. My personalities kept changing. I love this life is great to half a page later. My life sucks i'm having a break down. I laugh at my multiple personalities.

Krazyhippie007: the thing i like about u reb is u can say ur complaining and everything can be going crazy in ur life but ur always happy anyway

Henry's right I'm always pretty much just happy.

Snow is such an amazing thing. Today these huge flakes fell down on the soccer field as we were playing. Everyone got still and quiet just to watch for a minute.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was in this brilliant mood and my mom had just sent me to bed after I had talked to her and dad for about a half hour. At around twelve my dad walked in with me writing in my journal. "Hey, Look i'm channeling all my hyper energy. I'm not on the computer." My dad looks at me. "Hey, of course you have every right to be excited you had a really great day. Just, enjoy it."
"I am"

I almost beat matt in fencing. Almost almost almost. God I was up the entire time and hahahaha it makes me happy that I almost beat him. I could have too but my mind wandered for about half a second. It was tied, time ran out, i got right of way, then he hit me. I have these huge bruises everywhere. It was the best electric fencing match i'd ever done. Hah! Hah HAH! Then the coach later tapped me and told me that i was doing really well in class and that i have the right physical thing or something. Honestly I don't really remember perfectly. Then he was like you really know what your doing out there we hope to get you more personal training and in to competition. So last night I was in this bubbly mood. For other reasons but I'm not going to talk about my entire day. Basically i'm going to go do my geometry homework now. As Henry kindly put again this afternoon...

Krazyhippie007:u have such an interesting life u know

Its just me making small things in to big ones. *sigh* we'll talk later.