Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Geometry

My biggest fear last year was that life couldn't get better it had to get worse.
I kept talking bringing up that fear last year, I would have had an amazing day and I would come home and explain... Things have got to get worse. Something terrible is going to happen. Then things got better and better last year. One after another of perfect wonderful things. Humans are brought up to know that happiness can't last forever. The world is a terrible, terrifying place full of tragedy and heart break. We have to learn that, and I tried to prepare myself. And things did get worse. Not at first, but gradually things happened that got in my way. Disappointments that being me i shoved off. Maybe this is a weakness or a strength. I can't quite tell. I try to turn things around. It's interesting when you think something is going to happen and it doesn't. Dealing with that disappointment. Even if its something small, like, expecting someone not to be so self centered and then they prove you wrong. Or bigger things, i don't know. I was disappointed a lot this year. I didn't let on much I think. Adam when I was talking to him yesterday says..."Well, why didn't you talk to me about it if you were upset?"
"Because I thought it would go away."
"That didn't really happen did it?"
"No, It kept being brought up and it wouldn't go away."
"Well I could tell you were upset"
So maybe some people can tell. Maybe I just fool myself in to thinking they can't. When I don't do well on something i get embarrassed. As if I have to show people that nothing can effect me. I work around the tuff stuff. i don't have that much to complain about really. Who's known me this year knows the few things that made my life worse. School issues, people, friends, yearbook, play (god dammit! seriously fuck all of that), adam i guess. But I look back on it now and I can't help but sigh in a disapproving way. I hate when people blame you for feeling sad by saying that people out there are starving or being beaten. Those people don't get it do they. Yes, my life is better than more that half the worlds. My life is probably better than 98% of everyone else's. But I still have every right to be miserable. Don't take away that pleasure. My dad says i lack stoicism. He told me this about a month ago when I went running with him and complained the entire time. But dad, I tried to tell him, I have to complain or I can't get through the running. Since then he likes to remind me that i'm not stoic at regular intervals. I can't disagree with him. I'm definitely lacking in the stoicism department. Back to my first point. Humans lives are awful. Most of the time I don't see why people put up with it. The reason is that you take the good with the bad. Mostly the good outweighs it. Yesterday was the first day in a very long time that i told my self something terrible is going to have to happen. Everything I brace myself waiting for the blow to hit, so when it does i feel as little pain as possible. Now i'm scared i'm harsh with people. My two personalities clash... one being scared of the pain in life.. the other believing you live once you better embrace it.

Kate Winslet should have won the oscar.

I was reading the journal i just finished last night for the first time. My personalities kept changing. I love this life is great to half a page later. My life sucks i'm having a break down. I laugh at my multiple personalities.

Krazyhippie007: the thing i like about u reb is u can say ur complaining and everything can be going crazy in ur life but ur always happy anyway

Henry's right I'm always pretty much just happy.

Snow is such an amazing thing. Today these huge flakes fell down on the soccer field as we were playing. Everyone got still and quiet just to watch for a minute.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was in this brilliant mood and my mom had just sent me to bed after I had talked to her and dad for about a half hour. At around twelve my dad walked in with me writing in my journal. "Hey, Look i'm channeling all my hyper energy. I'm not on the computer." My dad looks at me. "Hey, of course you have every right to be excited you had a really great day. Just, enjoy it."
"I am"

I almost beat matt in fencing. Almost almost almost. God I was up the entire time and hahahaha it makes me happy that I almost beat him. I could have too but my mind wandered for about half a second. It was tied, time ran out, i got right of way, then he hit me. I have these huge bruises everywhere. It was the best electric fencing match i'd ever done. Hah! Hah HAH! Then the coach later tapped me and told me that i was doing really well in class and that i have the right physical thing or something. Honestly I don't really remember perfectly. Then he was like you really know what your doing out there we hope to get you more personal training and in to competition. So last night I was in this bubbly mood. For other reasons but I'm not going to talk about my entire day. Basically i'm going to go do my geometry homework now. As Henry kindly put again this afternoon...

Krazyhippie007:u have such an interesting life u know

Its just me making small things in to big ones. *sigh* we'll talk later.

3 Comments:

Blogger Shayna said...

Talk to me!!! you know you always can. I love that about you, though. No matter how bad it gets, you always try to make the best of it. Or I guess you're always in a good mood even if life sucks at that moment. I wish I was like that. I'm really not. But I always doubt myself. I say, man this is too good to be true.....and it usually is....take today for example....talk to me later. <3 you

11:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is Sandi - I can't remember my password for my Blogger account or I would've logged in. At any rate - I just wanted to say that I'm really enjoying your journal... and if you want me to not read it at any time - just tell me and I will stop.

At any rate, I think I do something similiar as far as just trying to smile and keep on keepin' on... you ignore what's bothering you and it doesn't really help change what's wrong. The first step in changing this is realizing that you do it. Then you need to make a conscious effort to try to keep yourself from doing it in the future.

I've been doing it for years... so perhaps I'm not the best at advising you in this area.

Gotta get to bed for my big weekend trip.

xoxo!

1:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is Sandi - I can't remember my password for my Blogger account or I would've logged in. At any rate - I just wanted to say that I'm really enjoying your journal... and if you want me to not read it at any time - just tell me and I will stop.

At any rate, I think I do something similiar as far as just trying to smile and keep on keepin' on... you ignore what's bothering you and it doesn't really help change what's wrong. The first step in changing this is realizing that you do it. Then you need to make a conscious effort to try to keep yourself from doing it in the future.

I've been doing it for years... so perhaps I'm not the best at advising you in this area.

Gotta get to bed for my big weekend trip.

xoxo!

1:03 AM  

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