Monday, March 14, 2005


Its an amazing thing when you find the perfect song that matches with the your perfect moment. The minute the song comes on you know that its going to be repeated and repeated as it fits perfectly with not only your mood but that moment. This happens to me a lot. Its the song that I listen to while I do my math homework every night. I sit on the floor in front of my mirror with my speakers on repeat and repeat. These are the songs that I dance to while I brush my teeth, I bounce around my room and they are the reason that's my favorite part of my day. They are the reason I want to write, I want to share how much I love how these songs and feelings coincide. Last night I downloaded Delicate. Not expecting anything I played this song and had to pause as I leaned against my chair. I slowly turned up the volume and sat back. Holy Shit i found the song. I got it at around ten last night. I've listened to it more than twenty times since then.
Last Night I sat at my computer talking to a few people online, the song played in the back round and I cried. No reason, none at all. It wasn't even a real cry really. Just a pause in my life. About two weeks ago we were asked in fifth period to come up with a school memory. I couldn't come up with a good one. When I came home I thought and thought and all I wanted was life to pause for an hour. So I could have an extra hour, just one to finally remember everything. To grab everything and keep it in my mind before it leaves. These past two years have been the best years of my life so far and I want to remember everything perfectly. I was disappointed that I couldn't think of anything. I ended up choosing some random memory of some of my girl friends hanging out in Leon's area. That was because everything this year that I wanted to remember and have remembered I can't explain. I don't want to dwell on them, I don't want to cry in joy or in disappointment. I just want to get through fifth period as easily as I can. I didn't get that hour. I'm still waiting for it.

Its so interesting when you discover something you should have discovered years ago. Or someone. That has happened to me this year, or maybe the timing is right for everything.

A song gets me in a way no other person could.

Sunday was the worst day ever. I got home and collapsed after fencing which is wear Delicate came in. I started Sabre. I didn't want to go to school today. Last night I had no reason to go and no ambition to get out of bed this morning. My dad lured me with coffee. It helped a lot. Delicate was played this morning again as I got dressed. Ben Kweller Lizzy was in my head all day. I kept singing that one line..."Like your momma says... don't let it go to your head." Maybe that was a sign. Saturday night i watched the first have of Dodge ball before my dad knocks on my door at one in the morning. "I can't sleep will you keep me company downstairs?"
I nod
"Something's in my bed, dirt or sand or something." He sighs and slowly turns towards the stairs. The blanket is curled up over his head and he clutches a pillow in his hand. I followed him downstairs. He gets out a bottle of wine and another blanket. We watch Double Indemnity until two thirty in the morning. I admire the woman character and my dad laughs at my impulsive decision to take sides with the woman. She is smarter though, and more powerful than any of the man characters. Yes, she is the villain but she portrays it in such a perfect way.

Today Dru, Jeramie and I were hanging out in the library after school before soccer. Excuse me we were working on our projects in the library after school. As we walked towards the school from the library Jeramie is up ahead as she walks faster than us. All of us our laughing at the great things we had just done. Dru turns to me, "A step closer to becoming the Ghost World girls!" I smile and say "Yes!" and we run to catch up with Jeramie. As it is Pie Day the school handed out cookies and us three ran in to the staff room asking Ida and Debbie for our share. "We were working though," we say as they hand us the plate. Debbie smiles and turns to Dru and Jeramie "Just like you were working in my room?" For some reason I find this really hysterical. Now I'm just laughing at how funny I thought it was. Dru turns to me laughing. "Rebecca, you weren't even there" "I know," I gasp "But I can Imagine." The story was exactly how I thought it would be, it wasn't very funny at all. Now sitting in my bed I don't see what was great.

Ryan/Scott/ maybe Matt might be coming to our game on Thurs. I'm going to strongly discourage Matt from coming I think. Well we just need to get the critical people out of the way ... a.k.a. Sam R. Sam finds me before fifth period all flustered and nervous. He was obviously thinking that I was going to respond to all of his actions today in a different way. I kind of rubbed them off. After soccer Georgia and me well, started to talk in the bathroom. It was filled with younger girls and the minute I started... Sam came up to me... it goes silent. Georgia then proceeds to talk about how many guys like me in a jealous sort of synical way. She has nothing to be jealous of, you would know why if you ever met Georgia. They don't all like me, that's untrue. Trust me we talked about it and added it up. Its not as many as she led on in the bathroom. So now all these girls are going to run to their friends, as I told Georgia everything about my life in that bathroom. After we had finished talking she turns to the people around her..."Now what have we learned about rebecca in this session?" I love Georgia. I love her so much. Their are only a few people I actually stand up for, isn't that sad. Well You can guess probably who they are. Its not that hard, I am the only one who can tease them and I wont let anyone else do the job. I'm not talking about Georgia anymore, she doesn't really need anyone to stand up for her.

Today wasn’t as bad as I assumed it would be. Still waiting on DSA.

Delicate will now be played as I slowly close up my computer. I'll wash my face, brush my teeth and sit for awhile until the song is done. Then, slowly i'll take my contacts out and crawl under my covers. In only five minutes i'll be sound asleep with my song playing in my head.


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