Saturday, March 12, 2005

March 12

It's Saturday March 12 2005. I've just spent the last four hours in Chapel Hill at the planetarium with my little brothers and Dad. My dad left to go have some time and my brothers are downstairs screaming. I haven't written for awhile. I know, some people care others dont. It's not nothing i haven't written for a reason. I've been scared, scared of what i'll write and what others will read. It's become a small block while I sit here knowing who is reading it. Most people I don't care. Honestly I tell them any ways. Other times I find myself pausing and stopping, maybe this is good for me. How much should i be writing? So I found myself slowly stepping away from the blog. I love that people read it, but I decided it would have to end. Maybe not just end but to I don't know step way back and maybe write somewhere online where only the people who find it get to read. The people who make the effort. Wait wait don't give up on me yet. You know me, i'm never serious about stuff like that. This happened Wednesday and by the next morning I found myself itching to write. I can't not, it's an addiction. I'm seriously addicted to this blog. I've tried to find ways around it but I read Jeramie's blog entry about a half hour ago and I had to write again, suddenly. So I haven't stopped. I think about it constantly I try to make sense. But the thing about here is it's just meant to be here. Its solely based on selfish needs of me. I could sit here and write for hours. Its not good for me I know that and understand it. Just i'm going to go with the flow. That is a recurring theme in everything this week. Thank god nothing was planned. I love this movie i'm making for second period about school. I've taken some great pictures. I'm going to post it once i'm done if it works. I also really want to update the blog. Get a new header thing... put in some more HTML code. I've been reassigned to baby-sitting duty. Its nice as i don't have to be online to write. I'm watching Dora the Explorer which is the only place I actually learn spanish. Leo, yes leo is folding clothes and putting them in piles. He cleaned my room yesterday. Woah! My movie looks so cool. Its so sad that I have little anything but my friends in it. Today I called Hannah while Leo was playing in the gift shop of the Planetarium. "Leo, honey you have to put that down don't let it go rolling all around the floor." Hannah on the other line laughs... "You sound just like a mom. Exactly like a mom." Being older than them is so much fun in that way. That I can be the big scary older sister who doesn't get them in trouble but can take care of them. I just wish that Sasha acted more like a brother sometimes. I long for that bond of siblings where you can give each other looks when your parents act up or have some inside joke. Even if you tease each other things like that exist. Me and Sasha don't have that. Usually its him and dad teasing me or us teasing him. Dora and her friends are jumping up and down. Boots is cute. I want them to sing in spanish so I can see if I understand it. At Torerros yesterday nina says "I can't imagine you speaking any other language than English." I told her I know a few words in spanish. One of the other kids is like I can see you speaking French. I was like NO! I would like to learn Italian. Matt turns around a little. "Otis is Italian," No he's not, I say, but he does speak French. Matt:"Oh right he's French." I mentioned my blog yesterday and Matt goes.. "Even I haven't read it." I didn't ask him about it again but secretly I wanted him to ask so I could say something along the lines of "I've mentioned you in it." Dora is over now. I ask Leo if I can listen to my new music. Ok not new music. Take these broken wings and learn to fly... all your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise ... Honestly i've never heard this song all the way through on a CD. I bought it today. The white album. Black Bird Flies... In to the line of the dark black night... This is definitely what I need right now. Wednesday I fell asleep at seven o clock listening to The Blowers Daughter on repeat. I curled up and fell asleep. I'm scared now I have the white album I won't listen to anything else. That's okay isn't it. I love Rocky Raccoon. They are head and shoulders above all other artist, or maybe they are on the same level as Dylan. The Blowers Daughter... I forbidden officially now to see Closer. This song has changed everyone's lives. Well whoever has listened to it. I didn't like it the first time I heard it. Now I can't stop singing it in my head. At fencing on Tuesday I was getting water at the water fountain and as I was leaning down i paused and suddenly plugged my ears. I looked up and said excited "YES!" I turned to Matt who was standing next to the fountain. "don't you hate how you have to listen for awhile to the song that is in your head to get to the chorus until you know what song it is?" Matt gave me a funny look, nodded, then stopped saying "You know I have no idea what your talking about." He laughed. I smiled "Yeah never mind." Fencing was all right... I was really tired on Tuesday. And distracted for various reasons. Um yeah. My mom came home with my brother. He placed third this week out of 22 people. For those who don't know my brother is a Yugio player. One that wins a lot for it too. Georgia's been a really good friend this week. Not like she isn't usually, but i've noticed it more this week. Yesterday at Torerros Nina was awesome. Really great actually, on Thursday after our soccer game Aja drove me home. As we were sitting in a driveway as her mom picked her sister up at a friends house we talked. I asked her who her best friend was and Aja gave me an impressive look. Right, i said, of course Rosa. Aja: "Yeah of course, no matter what she's always my best friend. " I nodded its the same with Nina. I have tons of friends but no matter what she's always going to be my 'best friend" We've past the friend faze now were just kind of sisters or cousins or something where nothing matters that much. Torerros was the first time Matt had seen me and Nina together. We were worse than him and Ryan. That's sad isn't it. We would interrupt each other and knew what they were thinking. We don't breath... we just kind of talk as a unit. I miss Dru. We watched the game during sixth yesterday. I attempted to be a good UNC fan. Michael complimented me on it later. I was trying really hard to be good at it. We won by three points or something. As we were walking to spanish Nate says "How did you enjoy watching basketball Rebecca?" *double lives* *double lives* haha georgia knows what i'm talking about. hahahahahahahaha yes its true except not really anymore except well i don't know. The rain was gorgeous yesterday though it was kind of cold... At five thirty I have to walk my dog i bet. Hm wow okay so now i'm going to end but just say that yesterday was really fun... today was kind of fun... and tomorrow will be fun, hopefully. Woah... i've been typing for an hour and still haven't gotten my point across. What I was meaning to accomplish with this entry was that i'm going to work on this blog. I'm going to spend some time writing and wandering around. Sadly enough my life outside of the internet is kind of becoming a little more important. So if I don't write for a week i'm not stopping. If I don't write for two weeks i'm not stopping. Not yet, maybe something will change. Just hold on. My entrees will get better and I will actually write soon. Just right now I need to take a small little break from writing every night. I need to sleep, its completely changed everything now that I go to bed at a decent hour. (don't tell my mom i said that :) ) So I don't know what is going to happen right now in my life i'm just kind of taking them as they come. Sweet a new People came. Damn I started saying sweet.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

hhhmm one paragraph. did you read my email? im so glad that you got the whire album that makes me so happy. ther are a whole bunvh of people over so im going to hang in my room tonight until they leave so go on late if anything. i really really liked this one. youre back to your old form that made me start talking to you. im so proud once more :) ttyl

7:55 PM  
Blogger Shayna said...

i love blackbird and rocky racoon. they're my favorites. actually i learned them at camp. funny how things connect.....<3

8:00 PM  
Anonymous Henry said...

Well, your brother plays Yugioh. Thats awesome. I still have my deck from when I played. You want to bond with him? You should play with him. That was such a fun game. i still play sometimes. Hmmm maybe I should dust my deck off and challenge him. Or not. Wow, many people comment on your blog. I don't even know these people. Peace Out.

12:09 AM  

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