Saturday, April 30, 2005

Stealing Tea

Usually its me who has the music blasting at twelve at night... her laptop on and her body caffeinated. Tonight its me again, but i have someone doing the same exact thing downstairs. A mother who complains about lack of sleep continuously can't go to bed instead she stays up to work or secretly log on to Vienna is playing, I started to love this song after Thirteen going on Thirty. Maybe I shouldn't love that movie but secretly I do.

Joni Mitchell just came on. When I was younger a cd player was set up in my parents room. I must have been nine and my brother five. My dad would put in Blue by Joni Mitchell and i would fall asleep to it every night. I know the first three tracks by heart just because every night they were the last things i listened to. My room isn't dark enough. Tonight I wish I wasn't as alone. This was the best day i've had in a very long time. I can't believe its already the weekend. I've been waiting for a time when I can write all week. My life isn't slowing down though I think i've asked for it to go a few paces slower. How can I remember every memory. Every weekend do I have to sit up late and remind myself?

People are mad at me because i'm happy.

Counting Crows just came on. I think my mom is playing them downstairs. I took my dog on a walk today, I brought my ipod along and listened to Beulah and The Shins. It's my favorite part of my day if I go my usual rout. I can think, or I can not. But I get to just walk at my own pace and not think about talking or what I have to say for a minute. I like when Nina walks with me, those walks are always more fun. You find such interesting people in your neighborhood.

Yes Death Cab ... Lack of Color. I hate Bush for making me miss the OC. He's not doing anything to increase his popularity. Any other time during the week. Any! Damn him for taking away my one hour of pleasure this week.

Yesterday was a lot of extremes. I hated our school. I despised it, loathed it, was miserable and unappreciative. Pam is our assistant librarian. She works with Mig in the library as that is where most librarians work. Rocket Ship - Guster. Nice. This song reminds me of Canada. I listened to it when I went to bed every night. The chorus, the bumpy roads of salt spring. Pam is probably one of the nicest people in the world if you get on her good side. I love this woman, we bond over hatred of weeding and the OC which she watches religiously. Mind you she's a 46 year old woman with one son in my grade. She despises Jeramie though which means our advisee group either loves her or is terrified of her. Basically Someone on Earth Day last Thursday keyed her car. See the one thing about Pam is she's probably the only Republican teacher at the school. And, on her very nice SUV she has a W '04 sticker right in the back window. Most people know its her car. It doesn't fit well next to Adams beat up red miada.

On Monday we had a tedious meeting for Worship where Pam started to cry and tell the whole school that the car really meant something to her and she can't believe someone did this. It was a nice idea for the first ten minutes. She cried some more. Renee (head teacher) told us all about how trust is important and how we need to learn and she can not believe this and on and on. It should have ended there. After meeting for worship all the kids asked around if they knew who keyed it. No one did, the subject was forgotten in about five minutes. Now lets put aside the keying incident. On Wednesday I walk in to settling in to listen to Renee talking about how someone left a plate from hot lunches on the floor. Later, during seventh period the plate was still there and people were walking by not picking up the spilled lunch on the carpet. The people she yelled at happen to be Dru and Georgia but that doesn't matter. Jon Magovern supposedly spent time cleaning the carpet and he would have come talk to us but as hes so disappointed and angry that he doesn't want us to see him only as the angry man who screamed at us about the carpet so hes letting Renee do the work. What the Fuck?! It was a fucking plate?!? During lunch Ryan and Samantha clean up the trash outside because they felt so terrible for not taking better care of our community.
Okay that's nice, we all felt bad... or pretended to feel bad about the carpet. No one could see the stain though we were being told it was there. That afternoon after a rained out dress rehearsal for dance i'm getting a ride home with Mig who missed Wednesday staff meeting because she had to drum for our dance. Ida comes up and Mig rolls down the window of the Honda Odyssey exactly like my families. Mig asks about staff meeting and Ida tells her they are scheduling a car wash to pay back the keying of the car, many car washes actually and that every advisee group is going to make Pam a card and stick them in her windshield wiper every day. Mig nods and smiles saying that sounds great and how nice. My seat belt isn't on and the minute the window goes up I slink down my seat. I cover my face and say "Oh My God" Mig laughs. I repeat myself. "What are you thinking?" Mig asks "Cause i'm probably thinking the same thing." I sit up and say "we're taking this way to far." Mig laughs and nods. I continue to talk about how obsessive and annoying the whole situation is with Mig for a few more minutes. That made me feel better. We didn't do it. It was the older kids obviously, actually now on Friday the person who did it came out and Nate knows who it was. It was not one of us, most of us barely know Pam, and we apologized to her face in a meeting for worship. Why does this need to continue. Thursday we were asked to sign pages in a book that a staff member had compiled to thank Jon,David, and Dylan for cleaning our carpet. One little patch of food. One. Even today we got lectured about how horrendous the leaving of the plate was.

Maybe i'm just cynical but isn't this a little insane? Maybe i'm a terrible person because I don't think that signing a book to thank someone for cleaning a patch of carpet is the best way to show appreciation. Dru and I signed the book. "Thank you David... Yay out to Lunch to Bandido's on Monday! - Dru and Rebecca.

Let me tell you about Schadenfreude. Last year around basketball season someone announced UNC's loss and the Duke fans, about half the room cheered. Everyone in Durham has a team. Its black and white. I've always grown up a mixed child with no real preference and its been hell for me. This year I gave in and went for UNC being lucky enough to go for the winning team. Its also common knowledge your not a good UNC fan if you don't ALWAYS want Duke to lose and vise versa with Duke. I don't see how the losing of another team matters, but as we always talk about in math class under these rules Michael is a 'bad' fan while Nate who always roots against Duke is a "good/real" fan. Last year someone announced the loss. Half the room cheered. The next day Adam stands up during announcements at the white board that hangs in the center. Adam has charisma and we all listen, intently. He writes a word up on the board in his capital letters that he always uses. Schadenfreude. He asks if anyone knows what this is. No one does. He states that its taking pleasure in other peoples pain or losses. He goes on to explain it in more detail. It was so surreal. Competition is human nature guys. People have to get ahead in life, people do take pleasure in others pain because its human. We try not to, its not the best thing to do but we do it anywise. Are you going to judge me on my lack of empathy. Don't, i've been at this school for four years and when Adam my favorite teacher goes up to start talking about how were all shadenfreude filled and how no more sports announcements will be made at school I feel betrayed. As if the only person who I thought wouldn't get sucked in to the system did.

I was really frustrated with CFS yesterday. I hated the kindness the togetherness the sharing the patience. I tried to tell Samantha during the other rehearsal for dance I just mentioned don't you think they are going a little to far with this cleaning the center thing. Samantha said no, of course not its a huge issue and should be handled like this.

That scared me a little bit. I turned to Dru instead who agreed with me completely. Maybe you don't understand. Maybe you don't get how detached our community is. But we are and that's what scares me, the realization that most kids would get eaten alive any where else. The realization that the world doesn't work like this. Its a nice fantasy for a few years and i'm not going to even go in to the whole 'this isn't the real world' argument. Fuck it CFS is the real world its just a real world that sometimes I don't belong in. That's why today I hung out with the people I did. It detached me, suddenly I was in control, I knew georgia would be annoyed. I knew people would notice but, you know they were being really cool, and wanted me to stay to hang out with them, so I didn't leave. I unlike people i wont name aren't sucking up to the athorities. I get a look from Leon when I half lye down during meeting for worship. I have my own opinions and for those minutes between class I don't have to follow around the year book staff and go to the smoothie sale. Instead I can steal some tea with Jeramie and sit with four guys two wearing matching plaid pants in Ida's room. I hate when people don't see things I see, but I hate when people notice things as I do more. I'm over it now. Thursday night changed a lot. Spanish today did too.

We danced on the field and I had a great time. Yes, the thing I was regretting. It was actually a moment. In the end the drums are going and were dancing in the middle of the field, i’m holding Leo’s hand and Oliver is chasing Mariah. Dru is next to me and Julliette near us. Ryan’s fake falling to make Dru laugh and Mike’s dancing with Anna a little ways away. The drums are still being played and Aja and I watch Dave as always. Nate was around but soon disappeared. Suddenly I don’t care about that part of school anymore. Instead I want to explain to everyone that i’m having such a good day and run around on a field.

I really valued the silence of Meeting for Worship today. Sam was trying to get me to sit back with him underneath the desk but I kind of scooted out and instead cleared my head for a half hour. It was dark in the center during dance, it was so cozy as we helped make the set for the play next week. Spanish I ended up going outside and talking with someone for awhile. We just sat and talked pretending to read. We hadn’t talked in awhile and I had been missing it. I turned to Molli during first period today after I had had a very nice morning. We were observing live worms and she had hers in front of her. She named it Otis actually... I was sharing a worm with Sam because we wanted to work together and I didn’t want to have complete responsibility for something. See, i’m going to be a terrible mother. Michael's ignoring me, but he sits on my left with his grandmother. It was grandparents day. I take out these glasses I found yesterday that I was wearing all during Sex ed. Which by the way was amazingly fun and great as always. Well we didn't really learn yesterday. Rachel just let us goof off. So, i take out my glasses and show them off to the room. I know I look incredibly insane, they are clear and plastic and rap around goggle like. “Molli,” I say. “I’m going to be so incredibly sad when this year is over.” I push the goggles up on my face.
Molli sighs. She then looks up from Otis. “Rebecca you keep changing your mind.”
I grin, adjust my glasses again and poke my worm.

Friday, April 29, 2005


Josh! Shayna and Becca
Originally uploaded by jamestaylorfan.

The one bouncing up in the back is Phill... probably one of my favorite people on earth. Of course he's the same guy whoh got fired next session. Becca's on the left then Josh... (hehe astronomy, god best times of my life was that hour hanging out when Josh says "ok so i have a question, its a little personal. Brittany told me she had to ban my name from your cabin" "oh its so hot... i'm goingn to just take off my shirt." man Josh was super) and shayna is on the right. She wants you all to know she looks a lot hotter now. Though I think shes beautiful here and i love her and Becca with all my heart...


Joe and Sam
Originally uploaded by jamestaylorfan.

Look what i found on Joe's picture site! Sam's hair isn't spiked anymore sadly enough... and joes shaved his sides again... where are they? I'm going to have to ask them. I'm using flickr now and it works insanely well. Hehe yes these are my friends.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


I'm sore and bruised.

Such a little amount of people drive on my street at six on a Wednesday afternoon. I never noticed how few cars drove by on such a busy rode. So, i'm walking practically alone on one of the busiest non-highway streets in Durham. Walking home I panicked with the quietness and tried to sip my Latte quietly. Right now pages of information are being printed for my research paper. I'm going to have fun tonight with my ipod and a highlighter. I really can't wait until the Spegetti on the stove is ready.

Last night on the way back from fencing I was talking about images and school and how i've checked out of the year. In this time I quickly made a list of five people that I don't hate at this moment. Okay, yes i'm exaggerating... no I don't hate everyone, not anymore. Once I got home I started loving everyone again like I always do. I was telling my mom and counting on my fingers. She asks, "You even hate the little boys?"
"Yes" I say "I want them to go away, they're annoying so is everyone."

The figures have increased and I actually don't hate anyone anymore though its only been 24 hours since the initial list was made.

I was also really upset fencing was over for the year. Two people showed up for class, me and Matt. We were supposed to have a tournament but as it was just us we fenced for two hours. I did so terribly. I freaked out a little bit, and would rip my mask off and exclaim that " I Know what i'm doing wrong, don't tell me, I know what I have to do but i'm just not doing it." I could have done so much better then I was doing. In the end I beat him once, and wasn't doing as poorly at the beginning. Every time Matt would get me, because of his long arms (damn) or my incomplete attack or pere I would grab his blade every time it hit me. Ah its fun to fence your boyfriend.... especially when you get a small hug in-between matches and your using your brand new epee. This is my problem I love to fence. I am so obsessed and in love with the sport itself. Finally a sport where I enjoy doing it enough I beg my parents for me to do more. Rebecca getting in to a sport! Who would have thought. Yeah the one and a half hours of crouching down with a heavy weapon has made me very sore and very bruised everywhere. I lifted my backpack after first period and dropped it because it hit a bruise on my arm. Sam S. felt sorry for me so he carried it two rooms down to second period.

I can here zaboomafoo in the other room. I love the Kratt brothers, you have no idea.

I hate soccer. I hate it so much. During soccer I don't get along with the team, or the coach. I don't do team sports. I mentally can't deal with the win or lose not coming completely from me. I have to freak out because of my failures not my teams. Anywise I just sit on the bench while Aja makes out with the pole to impress Dave.

Passover was brilliant.

I have this really bad habit lately of when I know something is right I agree saying "Seriously, I know, for real." Really quickly

Finally we had passover at the house which means my dad was leading it which means fun. Actually the whole day was fun. In the morning I did service over at the Rescue Mission in Durham which was actually really nice. Later Matt came back to the house and we went with my father to rent the chairs from the "Best Rental" place around the corner. The woman behind the desk was giving my dad stuff to sign while Matt and I stood back discussing Christmas. The woman asked my dad who we were, and my dad told her that we were his daughter and a friend of hers.
"I have a daughter" The woman said "And she's not having any 'friends' until she's 30."
My dad laughed. I grinned at Matt.
But she doesn't stop there... instead says "yes, I had her when I was 18. That's me a dummy" She stands up and points to herself. "I'm a walking advertisement for birth control" She sighs, mumbles a little more about it to my dad then looks up "Pull the car around the back..."

When we get outside my dad laughs and starts talking about her. The garage door in front of us opens and she's standing behind it. We go quiet quickly.

Later Matt and I walk to ninth street because he's never been. We tie my dog up on the fire hose which I think is illigil. What can I say, we like to rebel. I quickly lost Matt to a biology book of all things. I kept asking him as we were sitting downstairs in the regulator ... are you serious? He would nod and point to a cell telling me that was his favorite type of something. It wasn't boring, i'm a dork too actually I thought it was really cool, but definitely not as cool as he did. We came home and helped set up for the night. I showed Matt my movie for school and I mentioned Nate and spanish. Matt kind of gave me a look and i was like No me and Nate aren't anything. Matt says playing in the rain? I laughed. So he did pay attention when he read my blog. That wasn't like that, I said and dropped the subject.

When the Bryces and Otis' family did come I can admit the three of us fencers sitting on the steps was a little non-including though we invited Nina to come sit but she politely refused. This year we got to use the hagadas (books) that my grandmother Ellen wrote twenty years ago. It was a lot nicer to have something that was the families. We quickly ran through the glasses of wine and the four questions. Which Nina, Elena, and I had to sing... ugh. Passover is always nice. Even last year which was the most hellish four hours of my life I will remember forever. Nina and I always get tipsy, always eat to much, always argue at least once. Passover is the solid part of my year where I know for a few hours the whole family will pretend to care about religion, dad and Sarah will argue, my little brothers will burst in to tears, and my dad will make the sound effects for Hadgadya.

We had new energy this year, a lot of non jewish people added to it. Someone who hadn't done it every year was needed.

As always the seder started out with my dad breaking the middle matzah explaining the affikomin. "Were all going to take a bight of this to start."
"Not that one," Sarah says. I actually think she is right and my dads wrong but on orders from my dad i'm supposed to stick up for him when the women get bossy. I hide in my chair hoping he's forgotten this promise.
The half argue for half a minute. My dad then sighs and says "Well if their wasn't something wrong with it we wouldn't be jewish would we."

The night was really fun.

Last night, Tuesday I fell asleep with my Rolling Stone Album guide on top of me while watching a Bruce concert. My contacts were in when i woke up this morning.

Oh! look what I

And these entertained me endlessly today here

I've been so busy and confused. I felt so disconnected today and Mariah told me that i'm always out of it but that's part of my charm. Great. I don't think that's true is it? I guess I should collapse back in to my depressing existence of text messaging Joe on my cell phone until i go to bed. Or maybe I wont reply and go straight to bed. I wish I was going to sectionals this weekend! Damn it.
Though tomorrow won't be that bad. I think my good mood might last, which is a relief. I really don't want to talk about me lately though. Henry asks me to talk and I keep asking him, no no just let me listen to you for awhile. And I think I'm losing my mind.

Thursday, April 21, 2005


My bad mood ended during Dance Rehearsal when I was standing in my groups corner waiting to go on. The scenery for a play is behind me, stairs with nothing underneath. The underneath part is covered by a huge piece of black cloth. Its a little taller then me and I have nothing to lean against. Suddenly I trip half over myself and half over air and almost fall through the back curtain but catch myself just in time as Nate watches helplessly attempting to not let me fall.

That's when my bad mood ended.

Also when I was walking out to earth day and Sam R. and Spencer were sitting on the speed bump. Spencer in Ryan's old yellow jacket and he pats the space on the speed bump next to him to signal me to sit down. I shake my head smiling and Anna Ruth dumps an entire bottle of water on my head.

Also tonight when I was attempting to demonstrate to my dad about me almost falling in the curtain in the middle of the parking lot of South Point. Instead I almost actually tripped and fell in the road.

Or Maybe it was the phone message left by Sam and Joe that I find on my cell phone after soccer. That I listened to laughing on my porch as my parents called me to the car to drive to dinner.

And, lying with Jeramie and Georgia in the wet grass with the sprinklers randomly talking... or the breast milk pump that Dlyan used on himself

Or finding out I have a song waiting for me.

And maybe just maybe what really ended it was sitting at my kitchen table with a washed bowl of strawberries and Nina. Just talking and eating as always.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

20 Questions

That was yesterday.

This and yesterdays entry used to be only one but i feel guilty for publishing four pages all at once. This is only three now.

I've calmed down a bit

So Matt Bantering as I promised. ;)
Fencing is great
Yeah, haha, yeah. I guess i'm talking about yesterday now.
I was fine for awhile. Well Matt was being great. Really, really great. Which kind of sucks because then I miss him more over the week. No, kidding, its great, I love it. Well the coaches are slowly starting to catch on to us flirting continuously. A few many comments were made. Even when I thought we were being pretty good. But I guess not. :) Subtleness is not our strong point. Evon would make a comment and Matt would put his arm around me so she would notice, and maybe I didn't want his arm to move so I kind of would stand there as she rolled her eyes. Yeah, the energy at fencing is different. Suddenly i'm let out of my little hole in the wall at CFS and am on my own. I have to fend for myself and I love that. So, lets see now I feel terrible because Matt was being really sweet and I wasn't responding that much. You know, the small things... wanting to be my partner for some drill, waiting for me at the water fountain, definitely paying more attention to me then the new ninth grade girl who came.

All day no one had listened to me. Actually for the past three days no one had actually listened. Maybe Matt didn't actually listen, and if he wasn't he was good at pretending because, finally someone was willing for me to say to them... This is what's going on, listen for a second. For once someone doesn't blow me off when I tell them my parents got in a fight, or i'm not okay. I'm fine now and writing it seems trivial, but I was upset last night, for some reason that honestly doesn't matter much. But then it did and one person was willing enough to actually stop his story half way through to listen for a minute. Then of course I actually do love hearing about ryan's new issue, or Jon's.

And on top of all that damn does he look hot when he gets sweaty.

I half apologized later for my bad mood which he denied me being in and that whole conversation *cough* *cough* kind of ended with me hitting his tooth on accident. Hehe, good times.
Sorry Matt
My shortness is a weakness what can I say.

Joe wasn't here so instead this girl subbed in. Sadly enough everyone teaches us better than Joe. Well I beat Pierce 3-2 and Matt only beat me 3-2 which means I can't be THAT bad. Then Josh who is great, said I did really well and I only got hit by him a few times. See, my problem is, and always has been that I know what i'm doing wrong. I'm just not doing it right.

AND! Guess what I just did! I ordered fencing equipment at triplette. YES!!!! So by tuesday Rebecca is going to have fencing stuff. Which means I don't have to use the shitty ones at the gym anymore.

Sam told me two days ago that I have to shut up about fencing and "no body cares."


Fencing is super, so last night my day got a little better.

Today was the epitome of Friends School. I spent the entire day with Spencer H. walking aimlessly around the school being lost and not doing what we were supposed to.

The problem with my school as I have brought up before is, not only is it a communist country, the kids, when they don't have to do something don't do it. Today NC state took over while our regular teachers had day long conferences which later Mig described after I asked her how it was. "A six hour conference on language arts, yeah, it was long."

Spencer is still madly in love with Jeramie and spends most of his time telling me to hook them up. Though I did make him play twenty questions with me and he couldn't guess my pom-pon ball one which I was very proud of. Then again I couldn't guess Violin, so were even. Spencer's that kid that in the center the other day we were waiting for a slideshow to go up and he yells, pushing Connor (who evidently my friends and I got Joe to kind of beat up after he pushed Patrick down and made him cry) over, "SHUT THE FUCK UP" Everyone gets silent. Of course that's also me who says fuck kind of quietly to Jeramie at the same time as all the younger kids and our hippie student-teacher from NCSU get quiet. Today was the day that while we were walking around attempting to find orange things (Long story, it was our color) the yellow team sat out on the structures getting read to by some other student (who evidently had gotten mad at Georgia, Jeramie, Sam, and me because we were lying on the couches in Robert's room instead of picking up pizza in the center though no one was but she just assumed if we saw half a pizza lying in the middle of the room we should pick it up.) read to them about a catepiller. Grace, Colin, and Thomas all mouth to me across the stream. Were out in the woods remember. "Save us, please, help us somehow please, please, help us. Get us out of here." I looked at them sadly sighed, mouthed "I'm sorry! I wish there was something I could do," Then left, sadly looking back at my tortured peers, following the student teachers and the group of little kids in my group to find more orange things which we actually never found. Later Thomas told me I should have picked up a rock and thrown it to knock her out. I told him I would have if their was any good rocks lying around. I don't think he got that I was kidding.

When you have 141 kids who really don't HAVE to be anywhere or do anything the activities that these hopefuls students think are going to work don't. I felt so bad for these hopefuls teachers, we all paid no attention in the morning, ran off somewhere in the afternoon and barely got it together to stay in one place for settling out. Though in the end I think one of our two guys, the non hippie one was warming up to me as he let me look at his Best of National Geographic Photos book. Though he wanted to show off all the animal pictures while I spent my time in the human section. He was a nice guy though and I hoped we hadn't given him to much hell.

Georgia and Dru weren't exactly mean to me today, they were just absent, not there, i wasn't connected. And at least Georgia recognized my existence and I had a fun time talking about fencing with her and Sam. She turns to me while he's next to her and says, "Tell me as if its just me, he wont care." So I did, and Sam kind of gasped once then Georgia flicked him which was nice and I continued with my story. Surprisingly enough Sam didn't say anything. Maybe he realized were better at come backs then he thinks. A week ago, Georgia, Molli and Me were all in Rachel's room and Sam comes in. Slowly the conversation got on the subject of Matt, Sam said something and Georgia turns to him and says, "Well, Matt has her." She paused, "And you don't so..."


I thanked Georgia profusely for this one. Dru won't really recognize my existence or talk to me, so i've just given up. Instead i'll go inside and listen to James Taylor and Rusted root that Ryan is blasting out and dancing to in the center. Banners will be up from the small art thing we had done this morning. The teachers are gone but instead timid young people hang around the sidelines. We referee ourselves today, and suddenly the absence of Ida telling us to throw away our plastic bags means we don't. Aja jumps on the CD player demanding that this hippie music stops. The air conditioning died a few degrees ago, Sam R. is wrapping himself up with purple streamers, Nate M. is messing with the glitter glue that Sam had put on his shirt. Georgia adjusts her skirt and smiles knowingly at Sam S. They have secrets. Jeramie points to Spencer and makes a choking motion. I attempt to mouth something to Molli who is sitting on her stomach in front of me. She doesn't get it and instead mouths I love you! To me, I give up and mouth back, I love you too. Dru isn't anywhere. Usually someone I can always find she's absent. Ryan is taller and louder then everyone and I can hear him all the way across the room. His striped sweater contrasts against the tiny Zuri who's wearing black. Nate V. is next to them and he sits, smiling in that way he always does. Earlier Sam and I had been doing this exact thing with the video camera. We would zoom in to one person who had no idea that we were recording them. Of course with Sam's obsession the camera was mostly on Georgia. She looked fine, nothing bad was said about her, but you could catch that one second when she hears someone say something and turns. She looks surprised. Or Sam S. when we focused on him messing with his hair, and giving Ryan a huge slap on the back. I want to watch that tape again, just to see if people are different when they don't know your watching.

Its almost settling out but the lights aren't out quite yet. I sigh and sit back in my chair. I turn to Spencer who's around near me... "Okay, so, you don't have one, its wood and bigger then a bread box."
"Wait, how big is a bread box again?"

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


My parents can be super cool once in awhile....

I get home from fencing tonight and end up sitting with my mom listening to Lisa Loeb... my dad walks in and hands me three (!) used cd's he bought me. The stuff that he says were most important when he was around my age. Which means Rebecca now has John Lennon - Shaved Fish
Paul Simon - Still Crazy after all these years
and Tom Waits - Nighthawks at the diner

And thanks so my dear Sand I have three other cd's she burned me... the I Heart Huckabee's soundtrack, Aquaduct, and the final and last Brendan Benson, One Mississippi. Yay.

Have you seen I Heart Huckabees? Its not a very good movie, though. Well, if you've seen it you've watched the first scene when Jason Shwartzman is walking to the rock to give his rock poem. If you've watched it you know the first few minutes of the movie. Yeah, that was what today was like.

This Brendan Benson song is stuck in my head as it has been all day. Um yeah i've been in a continues bad mood since Sunday afternoon I think.


I forgot to mention people on my fourth year page. Including Hannah and Samantha... oops. All the people I forgot I completely did on accident. Well supposedly Samantha 'definitely noticed' that i didn't mention her. Which I feel bad about, but honestly have I talked to her this entire year? The last real conversation I remember having with her was in the bus on the way to basketball when she was dealing with Sam R. problems. Of course at that time I had the biggest crush on her boy friend but I attempted to be helpful. So i'm sorry if I didn't mention you, I am so so sorry. And I will make it up to you somehow if you care. Oh! that reminds me... I added a 'Blogs I Read' list over on the left. If you want to be added either a) Link me from your blog or b) Give me your address. I read a lot more blogs then posted (Dylan's, Joe's, grace's, rebecca's) but the addresses aren't on the top of my head. So yeah just leave me a comment with your address and i'll add you.

I'm still sick. Nothing really is that bad, i'm just in one of those moods when everything is terrible and everything is going wrong. You know? I shouldn't be complaining should I? Nothing is actually going wrong. Georgia's mad at me. I don't know why... that added to my shitty day. Honestly its gotten to the point that at lunch I hang out with her and today her and Dru were acting tight and for some reason I couldn't be with them. So I kind of sat their awkwardly until 12:30 when I had to go dance because I was sick on Sunday and Annie basically told me I sucked. Which was fine I guess because I hate that class but still. I thought I wasn't that uncoordinated. Its gotten to this weird point were me and Georgia, we fight over guys a little, though a lot less then what people think, and we fight over Dru's affection. Right now, Georgia's winning, by a lot. Henry even noticed... Henry noticed I haven't been talking to Dru that much lately. We were washing something out of the quaker dome (yes, the quaker dome) and she was completely ignoring me. I was following her around, from this spot, to this spot, to this spot. I hate the positions when you're following someone around and you feel vulnerable and weak. Break sucked because of the Georgia-Dru dynamic of them ganging up on me like they always do. Okay I sound desperate, but its true. So I ask Georgia "Are you mad at me?" and Georgia gets mad and is like don't ask me that, that's so annoying ... "I was annoyed with you but i'm not anymore."
Me: What? Why were you annoyed
Her: I don't want to tell you
Me: What? Fine Whatever
Her: I'm not anymore but I was
Me: What? okay

Then to top it off tomorrow the fucking school is having this fucking thing that sucks. Haha I just read that sentence. Yes I make a lot of sense. Basically advisee groups are paired and OH! guess who we are paired with, Debbie's group. Which means the most annoying kids in the school. Oh and Leon and Rachel's group are together ha which means Dru and Georgia. Which means Georgia is going to beat me by a lot on this one. I honestly don't know what i've been doing. Well whatever i'll hang out with Spencer and Jeramie. Then in seventh period I exploded telling to the entire class and the substitute that "Why is everyone being so defensive?? Dammit! Fuck, why is it so hot in here?" Then I got up and left our STD video and went to go get some water until Sam S. came up and kind of gave me a hug and was like "Hey, i'm sorry." And then he was really sweet and I felt really bad for getting mad.

Its so hot in my room right now...

Sunday, April 17, 2005


"Jesus is never mad at us if we live with Him in our hearts!"
"I hate to break it to you, but He is - He most definitely is."

"Have you ever transcended space and time? "
"Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need."

"What are you doing tomorrow?"
"I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?"
"What time? "
"Mmm... one, one-thirty. "
"Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains? "
"We always do."

Friday, April 15, 2005


Its Exactly 10:01. For the first time in a very long time I haven't closed my blinds after it got dark. They are still open and our neighbors could easily watch my tired form lying against a pillow next to the side of her bed typing franticly on a mac. They don't see me though, not only do they not look they don't want to. As much fun as it is to spy on someone peeking to deep in to someone's life even makes you feel exposed.

I started biting my finger nails again. For awhile a small period of time I stopped, determined not to become my mother. I've started again and slowly my range of biting just the nails has reached the cuticles and I sit long periods of time pulling the small shreds off my skin until it bleeds. The red droplets forming on the edges of my fingers. My fingers ache with hangnails and ripped skin. Its an addiction.

I'm actually in a fine mood.


My throat hurts and so do my eyes, and my stomach, and head. They started hurting the minute I walked in the door from advisee outing. Talking about our outing! Jeramie my coolest red-haired friend wrote about the outing on her blog and it mentions me quite a bit. You guys should check it out, she's an amazing writer. Her Blog

Basically i'm reading fight club. If you haven't seen it, see it. If you haven't read it, read it. After you've done that come talk to me.

My dad is still fighting for me to see this Russian movie Soloris with him. My parents have decided that I neglect them now and spend to much time doing other things. This is completely true of course so i'm slowly attempting to pretend to hang out with them. Tonight I sat their for two hours watching the incredible with everyone plus Wyatt and Cindy. The couch was completely full so I had to sit on the floor. My throat hurts even more now. Damn my parents who are putting to bed their other children and haven't gotten me Tylono yet... never mind, as I am typing this my dad is handing me two Motrins. Super.

I just realized I haven't gotten the hiccups in a very very very long time.

And my mom has just come in to tell me that as I am not feeling well I should go to bed soon. I tell her that i'm not talking to people online and this is my blog and doesn't count. She says that it doesn't matter either way I have to go to bed. I nod and say I understand.

So, commenting guys? As I know of a few people actually take the time to read this blog. For sure I know of five people who read it regularly and I think maybe once in awhile its even more. I would really appreciate more than one person dropping a hello or, I don't know a comment? Something to respond to? A question, an idea, something about their lives? Break out of the ordinary leave me a message, i'd appreciate it. Like Sandi commenting. Perfect example of someone who I wouldn't think would comment commenting. And you know what? It was really nice to see.

Advisee outing happened. Our group consists of 8 people. 6 girls 2 boys.

I just remembered Grandma's coming next week. And two days of classes!

We rented a van for twelve people. Jasmine and Layla sat in the way back, the next was Anna Ruth, Jeramie in the middle, and Maxine. Then Spencer, me, and Randy. I of course tried to find the prime seat for the music dicission, so I sat in the front middle. I even kind of had foot rests if I moved the right way. The car ride was super. We played music and talked, other music and talked. By the end Spencer and I just chatted about music and people and things. Mostly about Jeramie though... Layla was sitting in the way back listening to Destiny's child and responding to something Jasmine had said. He turns to me and whispers in my ear "Isn't it amazing how stereotypically black they are?" I couldn't stop laughing until we got to the boat house.
I refused to play Jeramie's music and Jeramie responded with a "You can't always get what you want."
Spencer responds with a "but if you try sometimes you might just find, you get what you need." We repeated that line a few more times before sticking the cd in as Spencer yells, "This song will prove my point ! Just listen just listen!" The last fifteen minutes of the trip we listen to You Can't Always Get What You Want until we can't stand it anymore and we feel like our point has been made.

The boat house is beautiful. I realized now i've been three different times. A new dock has been added since I last went in November but as its been raining the dock is partially underwater. I don't mind getting my shoes wet so I jump on it dragging Maxine and Anna Ruth with me. A metal Bench sits on wooden dock looking out at the Pamlico sound and we sit on it. I have the other girls on each of my sides and I am the only warm one. I talked about something, and I was happy that for once someone actually wanted to hear what I was saying. We sat and talked, then Jeramie joined us, and Layla and Jasmine and we all sat their for awhile talking about people until we decided we were cold and ran inside. Inside was not much different as we all jumped on Migs huge brown couch and ended up squished on there. Its a three person couch, but six can fit if we become really small and all eight can fit if I lay on top of three people. I'm lying in Anna Ruth's lap and were all just talking and talking. Spencer wont shut up as he's lying on the spare bed which is in the main room with the couch. He's quoting Sienfeld episodes then he stops. He pats the space in the bed next to him. "If a girl doesn't sit here right now then this isn't America." No one moves. "What? This isn't America or something this is like Germany or Jamaica." I promise you he did not shut up for two hours. Burrito's are soon eaten and then its 8:03. *sigh* Thursday night, 8 o'clock. I ended up finding FOX on the tiny TV. So what if the picture was basically tiny colored dots, so what if the sound was crackling. When it started to work I freaked out and kind of danced around the room for a second. After that no one wanted to crush my enthusiasm so no one didn't watch. Which was probably the nicest thing they could do. They all shut up and watched my obsession with me. If that's not friendship then what is. By the way it is quite a good episode though I could barely hear it as I spent most of the hour trying to fix the antenna's.

Then we walked in the dark to the neighbors property. We stood on a dock for a second looking at the stars. Then everyone leaves except me, Jeramie, Spencer and Randy. Were standing right by the water, the sky is bright enough to kind of see, and Randy leans against a nearby tree. Jeramie and I stand next to each other looking out on the water. If you close your eyes you don't feel like your standing on land anymore. Spencer comes up behind us, gives up after we don't respond to his attempt to talk. For the first time all day I am serious "Hey Spencer, Do you think you could be quiet for .... two minutes? Maybe three if you work really hard." And he shuts up, he actually shuts up. We stand their for awhile. Jeramie turns to me. "Wouldn't it be funny if someone came up and killed us right now."
"Yep, " I say "I would laugh really hard."
"Well, its best to die laughing isn't it."
"True that." I say and look up at the sky. "True that my friend."

We end up sitting on the bench out there for awhile. Not talking, just sitting. Spencer tries to put his arm around Jeramie and for once she lets him. Randy is still, no one wants to move.

Later after smores its only us four again. Chocolate has been eaten, Spencer's ghost story about some guy that no one actually was listening to is over. Mig looks really happy. The wind bites and i'm freezing. Randy has his own chair and hes fiddling with a huge stick that's charred from the fire. I'm curled up on the chair as small as i can go. A few minutes earlier Jeramie had told me i'm the smallest person ever in response to the way I curled in to a ball. I'm freezing but I don't want to go in. Jeramie and Spencer are sharing a seat. This wasn't Jeramie's choice, but were making jokes about it all the same. I start thinking about something unrelated to the outing. The other three and Mig are talking around me. I'm to disconnected to join in. Once in awhile I make my comment but then i'm back to staring at the small flames licking underneath the bottom of the grill. I ask Spencer why he's in love with Jeramie and not me. He responds telling me that he likes his girls taller then him. Me and Randy scoff. When the fire finally dies we go inside to watch zoolander. I fall asleep curled up in another chair after the Gas fight scene. That is the best part.

The Car ride home was uneventful. Stairway to Heaven was played maybe four times in the car. Its stuck in my head now I also finally had my conversation about the wave of posers who think they know Hendrix and Led Zeppelin with Spencer. It was actually a really great conversation. When I said that Hendrix wasn't as great as Bob Dylan Spencer disagrees and says... "But he's dead. You can't be mean to dead people, you have to be nice and say that all dead people are the best."
"Well," I say, "Hitler's dead and no ones nice to him."

I thought this was hysterically funny.

It was really fun. I still can't get stairway to heaven out of my head.

Its 11:33 right now. Damn I hate how time goes by so fast.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005



Tuesday, April 12, 2005


Its one of those nights where I'm cold and its wet outside. The few cars that do drive by at 10:30 make deep sounds in the water lightly covering the road. I haven't listened to James Taylor in awhile. I just shivered, I'm listening to him now. My emotions got out of wack on sunday night. I was talking to someone, late, and before I knew it I wanted to cry. Not actually I just wanted to let something out. I don't know what, I don't know why and i'm still trying to figure it out. I hope the reader of this entry understands how I want it to be read. I hope the readers of all these entries understand how its meant to be said. If you know me it shouldn't be that hard. I get quieter when i'm serious and I end up reading what i'm writing out loud to my room to make sure its right. But you guys can't hear exactly how i'm saying it, which maybe, i hope you don't need.

I think i'm becoming more subconscious about how I sound. I don't know how people see me but i'm usually never that in the end. Or scratch that, that's cliché of course, fine, maybe I put everything out in the open. Maybe this is who I am actually, does this comfort me or terrify me to no end? I don't know. Its as simple as that. I used to live in memories. I've told you that before. I don't want to talk about it again. I've gotten a lot better about not talking lately. Suddenly everything that happens isn't that important to share. I surprised Georgia the other day by not telling her every detail of a conversation I had with Sam. It wasn't that anything important was said. If their was of course I would tell her, more like I just didn't want to share. It wasn't necessary to talk and for one of the first times I really didn't want to. Thetas how its been for awhile, I don't misuse the power of people trusting me enough to tell me. I've had to gain that trust back honestly and now that I have it i'm not going to fuck it up. I'm disappointed at how little i've written because its really hard for me to write all of this. Maybe because its late or maybe because i'm writing every sentence slowly. Once I stop talking about my friends I have to think, thinking is really good right now.

"I want to stop and thank you baby... how sweet it is to be loved by you... your so fine... how sweet it is to be loved by you...."

Kristie... haha man that tape of James Taylors greatest hits. She left when I was seven meaning I loved that tape ... when i was five. James Taylor's greatest hits on tape and Grease. My two Kristie things from when I didn't know what would happen next.

But see i'm self councous because I care to much. I'm self councous because I know what people say about other people and I don't want to be in that other people category. I attempted to cover this up though today during lunch. It was a small group of us supposedly meeting about the Literary Magazine. Nate M. didn't show of course and he for some reason was the reason we were having this meeting. I was a little late but I hadn't been missed. Kirsten sat in the corner with her rice and pork, she looked so comfortable so I came and sat right next to her maybe hoping I could share her pillow. Hannah was at the computer with Philip talking about something. I ended up starting a conversation with Kirsten for awhile about her lunch and dinner or something. I ignored David who I hadn't noticed as I walked in. He hides well, he was kind of sitting their all by himself on one wall. Somehow the conversation came back to Lucious (sam's brother if you don't know. Senior hot, hot hot senior) because Kirsten thought he was hot or something. I didn't know this so I kind of half sit up excited and say something along the lines of "Oh My God! You think he's hot! Like me and Georgia stalk him, more like Georgia but I help! Oh my god i've been in his room! I've been in his room!" Okay so I admit it wasn't very intelligent. And I hesitatingly admit that my strings of... oh my god isn't he hot have you seen his hair.... didn't end there. We continued with our conversation for awhile but by this time Hannah is standing a few feet away from us. Philip has followed her and they laugh. I look up, Spencer's glasses fall off my head where they have been since break. "What?" I ask
Hannah laughs and goes "Do you know how dumb you sound.".It wasn't funny, it was supposed to make me feel inferior and stupid.
Suddenly i'm mad. "Oh," I say, "Yeah I know but I don't care because I don't THINK anyone in this room is judging me by the way that i'm acting right now because usually I act a lot more intelligent and if you judge me on the way i'm being now, then that's your problem"


I didn't get to see Hannah's reaction because I turned back to Kirsten and said "So yeah Lucious is really hot."

Don't fucking judge people on everything. People make mistakes, and hey I had an awesomely fun conversation with Kirsten about how Lucias' bleached hair is beautiful. And I made a comeback that i'm super proud of (first time ever!). I was proud, and now I think i'm going to listen to James a little more...

I enjoy fencing quite a lot.

"maybe you can believe it if it helps you sleep but singing works just fine for you so goodnight moonlight ladies rockabye sweet baby james... deep greens and blues are the colors i choose... why don't you let me go down in my dreams and rockabye sweet baby james...


So, I have a story. A few actually, all of them ones that I've been meaning to write about ... first though let me explain what I am about to do. I am going to make a list for many reasons. First.... my Shayna wrote a list on her blog and of course i got supremely jealous and wanted to make one myself. So really she gets all the credit. Also I stole one from her, but actually its been at the top of my list for awhile and I was pleasantly surprised to see she had it on their too.Secondly about half a year ago I made a list for Michael that I emailed him of The Top 20 things I love at this moment minus people of course. This I realize has changed a lot since I last wrote it. So a new installment is being made. I haven't thought hard about it. Its what I love right now In this moment as I'm writing this. In twenty minutes everything will probably change, you never know with me.

1. Being Loved
2. Fencing
3. The Dark
4. Music... all of it, whatever I need then.
5. Rain
6. OC
7. To start walking up and not know how far your going to go or when your going to turn around.
8. Memories
9. Lighting a few peoples fires
10. Passover
11. Peoples distinct smells
12. Defending Courtney Love
13. This Blog
14. The New Weezer CD!
15. Spencer's Glasses
16. Ah my James Taylor of course
17. Finding free songs online
18. Feeling like I am finally cool enough to like Bob Dylan
19. Making our Math Teacher laugh
20. Getting Older
21. Being Cold
22. Complaining about Fifth Period
23. Telling people that "My dad got hit by a car!" In a really urgent scary way to make them ask all about it.
24. Late Night Text Messages from Sandi
25. Being so happy for one moment you realize you never want to leave.

Sunday, April 10, 2005


My brother spent five hours at a Yugio tournement today, I didn't get out of my pajama's until six, my mom left to go on her first of three trips in the next week, and my dad got hit by a car.


Saturday, April 09, 2005


Um Britney Spears is my hero.... along with Courtney Love its a female rocking out sort of day.

I get woken up from this dream where i'm sitting in this balcony watching Shrek 2 and its really loud and I keep getting like blown by the wind and almost falling out of the balcony. I have a weird attachment to rain. It's been raining at all the perfect t moments. But as I like to do a lot I have interrupted myself interrupting myself. I was woken up by this body jumping on top of me and pressing her face next to mine. "Rebecca wake uuup were going to go get coffee." Nina of course sits up in my bed, shakes me more awake and jumps out of bed. "Get dressed," I sit up and we talk for awhile in my room as I mosey around getting dressed.

oh god... remind me in a second to talk about Kurt Cobain...

We talked for awhile then walked to ninth street where we tried Bean Traders and glared behind the counter at the organization and lack of Mark. The coffee was a lot better and we sat their feeling like traitors as we sipped our amazing blended iced coffee's and played Gin at the exact table we had a month before. Eliza joined us later and we spent 5 hours walking, and sitting around talking, first at frencescas, then eckerd,then Regulator, then Blue Corn, then back at Bean Traders where the people behind the counter yelled as we were walking down the stairs to go to the bathroom, "You guys are going to have to start paying Rent." Well they better fucking get used to us as us three spend most of our life in there.

I had three together is actually really great. We're philosophical and that's fun.

Ok Kurt Cobain was not killed by Courtney Love and I stand strong on my opinion no matter what. Though many have attempted to sway me on this idea. The first one being Matt who bought the Nirvana CD and while we were listening to it says it would be awesome to see them live if Courtney hadn't killed him. This is while making cookies that mind you we put in two eggs instead of one turning them in to, well, tar. Then Today I get online and have this conversation with joe....

ACE OF ANGELS 72:who says i'm overdosing
ACE OF ANGELS 72:Maybe Courtney love will murder me and make it look like suicide.

How weird is that, is this all that people think about? I mean seriously I spent half of last night joking about this.

ACE OF ANGELS 72: the bitch did it

this conversation went on for awhile longer... until I am declared defeated.


My brother just walked in my room without knocking and scared the shit out of me. I had another huge discussion about my brother with my parents today. I've been thinking, he's a huge part of my life. Not in the sense that he is their but in the way he is disengaged, do you know what I mean? He is important because of his absence. It just happens that whenever I'm home he's in his room or at Wyatt or playing Halo obsessively. This lack of socialness... leads to us not being the kindest to each other. This leads to big talks with my parents about how I have to work on being kind... these things I can't write about on here. I know he wont read it but some things I don't want to talk about in that much detail. I love him more than anything, he's my little red-haired nine year old brother but he shouldn't have to be talked about on here. His shit stays in our family, only I can bring my problems out.

Matt claims I don't talk much about him on here ;) I do though, kind of. I think I more just imply things then actually say anything directly. Some good things I get to keep to myself.

"Don't call me fat you fucking jew"
"Eric did you just say the f-word?"

"If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe."
"What's a dying giraffe sound like?"
"WUUUUUaahhh! WUUUaaaaaaahhhhh!"

"Hey Alec, you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?"
"No, what?"

the link's been freaking out... its supposed to go to try to paste it in.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Death Valley


The view from the hotel at OC!


Me, bitching before driving out of palm springs to Joshua tree...


The dune Buggies


Death valley in a salt lake... wearing the same clothes i didnt change out of for three days... yes! On this salt bed I kept asking my dad if I could taste it, I insisted he taste it first just to make sure that it was salt, not anything else. He takes a tiny bit and spits it out. "Yeah, its fine just don't swallow it okay?" I take a tiny bit and put it in my mouth before spitting it out everywhere. "Um?" ... He asks. "I didn't actually think it would taste like salt." I said drinking as much as i can from my nalgene.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005


Its that time of year again where suddenly no one is paying any attention to anything except the gossip and themselves. I took my dog on a walk today down to Ooh La Latte, I was attempting to go to the coffee bean or something like that but the NCSSM students scared me because they were walking in groups to ninth street. Instead I turned off on Englewood and went to the Untidy and Ooh La... The guy who always works there was working. Somehow nina had known him before, we talked all about his story one summer day when we walked down there. This little blond girl was sitting at the counter, she must have been about four or five. She had perfect blonde hair and she stood on the chair instead of sitting. I know who her mom is, this is the girl who goes to all the concerts and sits in the back with a sticker book. She's the girl who's mom has long pink hair but is as sweet as can be. This is the girl who spends all her time listening to rock music and hanging out at a coffee shop with pink and black pokadot walls. I always wanted to be this girl. The other girl who works at Latte doesn't look any older than seventeen so either she dropped out of school or is older than I think. I'm jealous of her hair cut and then feel bad when that's the first thing I think about when I walk in to the shop. She's eating a bagel and playing with the little blond hair girl. They look so happy together, the little girl laughs "You don't live alone!"
"No I don't, I have a cat,"
"You don't live alone you have a cat!" the little girl cracks up hysterically and the bagel girl can't stop smiling. I stepped back waiting in line and it was one of those things were suddenly I wanted to be either of them. The little five year old, or that girl who ends up working in a coffee shop on broad street her whole life. Either of them would work perfectly for me. Suddenly I stood in the middle of the shop feeling really lame. I played with the stickers they had on the counter thinking that would make my life seem like it had a point. But still I kept watching the two out of the corner of my eye. The blonde girl left a few minutes later with her mom who took her hand and smiled back at the girl still sitting at the counter. The little one waved and I smiled at her then left with my iced chai to walk back to my utterly lame existence.

I love to fence. I wore my fencing shirt today with my black skirt and Nate turns to me during hellishly long fifth period. "Is that your fencing shirt?" Yes, I told him, and he smiled sympathetically. Josh who teaches my private lessons is wonderful, besides the fact that I can barely pay attention because its nine o clock and i'm tired. He finally drilled it in my head to lunge instead of advance which for some reason is difficult for me resulting in me not getting away fast enough which means a poke in the face which is kind of scary if you don't expect it. Except when I really started to try I did well.

"... everyday she wears the same thing i think she smokes pot..."

I just learned my Epee teachers name last night though. After what 4 months with him I realized it's Joe. A few weeks ago I told him I would remember his name finally. I woke up this morning and I remembered meaning I think I know it now. My bad hearing came back too I think and now the only times I can't hear what he's saying is when me and Matt are poking each other. Hehe um me and Matt fencing doesn't work besides him lunging at me and beating me up and us cracking up hysterically at something completely dumb the other one did. Joe kept rolling his eyes at us as we weren't doing the drill at all. We did it once in the end after laughing for awhile, then as we were showing Joe we could do it right Matt taps his foot which is a move called like p.. something and then does the drill. And he says, "Because when I tap my foot suddenly she walks in to my blade and I hit her." Or something like that. It was dumb. We couldn't stop laughing. Joe pretended to ignore it.

Today my father let us sleep in yesss (said in napoleon dynamite way) We're having third period in the gym to do the worksheets on our learning centers and I walked in and got started. Mollie yells for me, "Rebecca your here!" I went and found her sitting on the couch pretending to work with Maxine. I talked to her for a second before Sam S. yells "Rebecca?!? Do I hear Rebecca? Is Rebecca here?!?" I turn to see him with his hands outstretched. I was like "Yeah, hey sam" I give him a hug and he picks me up and kind of twirls me around. "I missed you!" He says
"I don't have any classes with you until third period, I usually don't see you until now any ways," I said half laughing.
"Untrue, I looked for you." He kind of gazes off then returns back to me. "Yeah but your here now"
I ended up hanging out with both Sams doing the worksheets all class. I don't let them copy completely though they beg endlessly. And if you are interesting in the small 'Sam saga' going on now. I am not part of it at all me and Sam just talk about it but I am completely not involved.

Time is still slipping away from me. I think I have so much time but before I know it its Wednesday. Dru told me she likes the dialog on here. That's what i'm known for I guess. Its so hard, I love to sit and watch people and think about long philosophical things to think about and write. I don't usually, but I write what I need to. I am so grateful that my mom hasn't told me to go to bed quite yet I think she's starting to learn I need this. I'm listening to my group of songs that I love so when played on shuffle I never get a song I really dislike.

I'm reading three things right now. I've really started reading again and I forgot how much I love it. Catch-22, To Kill A Mockingbird (for school yet i'm almost done though we are only assigned 10 chapters), and this book called sex, drugs and cocoa puffs. I bet you've heard about it. Its a book full of endless essays by a geeky guy who realized he can't ever actually love anyone. It gets very annoying in parts, its some guy just bitching endlessly about why modern culture has turned him in to an evil person and he loves it. I think most of what he says is brilliant because I can completely agree. Most of the topics he has brought up have been things that I have thought about cynically but could never express without coming across as a well, ass hole. He has an entire chapter on why soccer sucks. Its brilliant. I didn't know anyone else had the loathing for this sport as much as me. Of course I do play it on the team and enjoy it a lot, as I sit on the bench and talk with Grace. Though playing can be fun when Samantha isn't screaming at you, which I understand she has to do as I have no idea what i'm doing. But this entire essay is perfect in my mind ok let me see he says ... I just went downstairs to get the book i felt like I needed you guys to read what he wrote. The reason i picked up this book in the first place was because as I am not the most mature thing in the world I saw the colorful title and the word sex and started to read it in the book store of the LAX airport. I had read about five pages when I guy with square glasses, thin, tall, short black hair, tight jeans, black backpack, and red T-shirt like Seth Cohn wears told me that the book was "really good, slow in some parts but I really enjoyed it." I told him it was really good so far and we talked for about half a minute. After that I felt like I had a duty to finish it. "They won't be satisfied until we're all systematically brainwashed in to thinking soccer is cool and that placing eighth (after poland!) is noble." Doesn't make much sense because you haven't read the book. Well i will happily let you borrow it after my mom reads it. My favorite part is in-between essays he has little mini comments. One is 23 questions I ask everybody I meet in this order to decide If I can really love them. Damn this book is so annoying... ok i'll answer the questions tomorrow and post them on here. Then I want to hear other peoples answers.

My dad got this book about these japanese woman Gysha or something. I sound terrible that I don't know the real name. It doesn't matter. Basically he read this book and wouldn't stop talking about it exclaiming that he didn't know that they weren't prostitutes they were in another class all together and on and on. He told me the same thing about three times, along with my mom. He wants us both to read it and have a 'family book group'. He told us this while we were watching Dora the Explorer with my little brothers. My mom had gotten trashy magazines for me and her, US and Star... we were on both ends of our couch which is kind of shaped like an L. I was on one end her the other. My dad sat in the corner as usual with a baby on both side. We were both deeply emerged in our magazines coming up for air once in awhile to say something like "Look! Brad is all over Jolie!" I would shove the picture in my dads face and my mom would nod. "Brittany's fat mom! she's gotten fat!" My dad would attempt to talk to us at different intervals, did i tell you about the Gysha book? Me and mom would both look at each other, sigh and say as a unit "Yes, many times."
"I'm just so interested," He says "I didn't know they weren't high class prostitutes."
We nod
"I mean its not every day that you learn something new at forty three. You guys have to read it..." He breaks off when he notices we aren't paying attention.
"Awe poor dad... " I say then turn back to my magazine.

Sunday, April 03, 2005


Rebecca is itching to blog but as Adam told her about three weeks ago that quote "You can achieve perfection and you're close but you just have to work a little harder" I am working on my Berlin Project so hard. Matt just called from fencing and got me out of my working zone... Not like thats bad, I love talking to him mostly when we're both in the kind of moods we were tonight... Then I read Georgia's blog which sinse the time that I hadn't read it got even more wonderfull. And Jeramies, both of which were great and suddenly I can't work anymore. I miss the few people I call when i'm in moods like this... brownies are baking downstairs and my mind is confused about the time. So now I have to go back to my project which i'm scared wont be good enough for Adam because he's the only teacher that I care about what he thinks of me.


The second night I made dinner we were staying in the heart of death valley. My dad got these matches that are storm proof which is very cool because they can't blow out until the run down the stick to a certain point. I enjoyed playing with them quite a lot. I light the stove and hold the match in my hand until it burns down. Right after I grap the tip of the match with my right thumb and pointer finger. Its burning and i curse drop the match and my dad laughs. "That wasn't dumb, let me just grab the scortching hot match with my fingers." A few seconds later my skin turns white. I show it to my dad and he laughs, "Wow that thing gave you a second degree burn."

Thats how I am

It was white for a day, then slowly started to fade. I was dissapointed as its a very nice clear reminder of my trip. It came back the nex day, darker and now on my thumb its just a nice indent the width of a match, with a matching one on my other finger. Its a little numb and you can completely tell it was burned. I like it, I want it to scar. Its like a quarter of an inch long, maybe even a little longer, maybe even half an inch.

I'm listening to I Quit- Ben Kweller
Maxwell silvers hammer- Beatles
Subterranean Homesick Blues - Dylan

On repeat just those three.... Berlin is coming along.....

ich liebe....

Friday, April 01, 2005

this girl

Imagine this... White highlander two people sit in the car.

Starbucks cups litter the floor. Half of which were filled with grande non fat lattes, the other grande non fat caramel mochas. The girl in the passenger side has her feet up on the dashboard. She hopes her father doesn't notice. A JIF crunchy peanut butter jar sits to the girls left. A smuckers strawberry jelly jar is in her hand. The cap is open and as the people in the car lost the bread two hours back she sticks her finger in to the jar and scoops out a nice chunk of strawberry preserve. She turns to her father. "Who knew that eating jelly out of the jar is so super great?" The girl laughs. She's in one of those moods where everything is hysterical. Hundreds of miles on each side of the car with no sign of life. The girl giggles turns to her father, closes the jelly jar and picks up the peanut butter one. She licks her chewed fingernails to get off the last of the jelly. Her father laughs and sighs leaning against his seat. The girl messes with the radio for awhile before finding nothing but static. She turns to stare out the window and the next time she looks up ten minutes has passed. She reaches for her new pink Nalgene and takes a few gulps. Her father peels his eyes from the road for a second, "We need to get my phone or stop somewhere so we can call Gloria." The girl looks out the window, "Can't you stop at those call boxes?" Her father laughs, "Those are only for emergencies."
"No way,"
"Yep, what did you think that you could just call whoever you wanted?"
"Yeah I was so excited I loved them."
The father turns, "Free calls! hey it would become a new social scene. Lets drive an hour out of town to go call someone!" He laughs at his own joke. She laughs because there's no reason not to.
"Damn, i'm so disappointed you can't call anyone." She sighs and reaches for the jar of jelly.

Welcome to the last five days

I have so many stories. I could spend pages writing but tonight I can't. I will try but no promises. This might have to be finished tomorrow. My dad keeps asking when i'm going to catch up on my blogging. "Whenever I have time." I keep having to say. I will post pictures whenever I have time. A few turned out really well. We spent hours in the car talking, listening to music. It was the best time to think so just look out the window at the wild flowers and to remember. It was the hour of time standing still that I was hoping for. Now as i'm actually trying to type its hard to explain all of it. I went to the OC which was quite amazing for someone who is as overly insane about the show. LA is very strange. The people their aren't me, they are tall and blonde all of them and boobs as fake as .... cant think of a good simile.

While i'm remembering Shayna wrote about me on her blog, twice. You guys should check out hers ;)

On the plane to LA I sat next to this guy who was wearing these khaki shorts. Long shorts Abercrombie shorts, and he wore a polo shirt but he wasn't preppy. He brought nothing with him on the plane so he spent the entire time listening to the on flight radio. No one was sitting in the middle seat so I put my ipod their hoping he might look at what I was listening to. He never looked. On the way to the hotel Dad and I had this intense talk about the Berlin Wall. That project should be kind of more started tomorrow. :Last thursday was great, I hung out in the real OC what could be better.

Finding REI was quite an adventure wasn't it dad.

The first night we camped out was Saturday night. It was getting late and we were nearing Death Valley. We were both tired and Dad pulls in to the first place he thinks looked cool. Its filled with about six white RV's, children and done buggies. We set up camp and I cook these amazing noodles on our little camping stove. While Dad is trying to show me the constellation capulia but I can't tell if he is talking about the 30, 60, 90, triangle or the 45,45,90 one, fire works go off next to us. I kept turning to my dad, were camping were camping!
Maybe next time, he says, we can get a little farther away from the car.
I shake my head.

The next morning we follow more RV's to this community of Dune Racers. Millions of sand piles and tons of riders. One guy was towing his Hummer, as if the hummer was a back up car. One guy was tired of waiting in line to enter the 'park' he drove straight up a hill. Dad turns to me, we've got a four wheel drive bet we could do that! Barenaked Ladies skips while we bump up the hill as fast as we can. It was very fitting to play BNL while driving around a dune buggy park. I started really having a brilliant time.

Later that day we got out of the car, my nalgene in tow I suddenly start to climb this hill. Its the side of the road just at the entrance to Death Valley. Slwoly I get higher and higher. I suddenly don't want to come down.

Guys, its one thirty and i just fell asleep this will continue later...