Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Maybe

Its one of those nights where I'm cold and its wet outside. The few cars that do drive by at 10:30 make deep sounds in the water lightly covering the road. I haven't listened to James Taylor in awhile. I just shivered, I'm listening to him now. My emotions got out of wack on sunday night. I was talking to someone, late, and before I knew it I wanted to cry. Not actually I just wanted to let something out. I don't know what, I don't know why and i'm still trying to figure it out. I hope the reader of this entry understands how I want it to be read. I hope the readers of all these entries understand how its meant to be said. If you know me it shouldn't be that hard. I get quieter when i'm serious and I end up reading what i'm writing out loud to my room to make sure its right. But you guys can't hear exactly how i'm saying it, which maybe, i hope you don't need.

I think i'm becoming more subconscious about how I sound. I don't know how people see me but i'm usually never that in the end. Or scratch that, that's cliché of course, fine, maybe I put everything out in the open. Maybe this is who I am actually, does this comfort me or terrify me to no end? I don't know. Its as simple as that. I used to live in memories. I've told you that before. I don't want to talk about it again. I've gotten a lot better about not talking lately. Suddenly everything that happens isn't that important to share. I surprised Georgia the other day by not telling her every detail of a conversation I had with Sam. It wasn't that anything important was said. If their was of course I would tell her, more like I just didn't want to share. It wasn't necessary to talk and for one of the first times I really didn't want to. Thetas how its been for awhile, I don't misuse the power of people trusting me enough to tell me. I've had to gain that trust back honestly and now that I have it i'm not going to fuck it up. I'm disappointed at how little i've written because its really hard for me to write all of this. Maybe because its late or maybe because i'm writing every sentence slowly. Once I stop talking about my friends I have to think, thinking is really good right now.

"I want to stop and thank you baby... how sweet it is to be loved by you... your so fine... how sweet it is to be loved by you...."

Kristie... haha man that tape of James Taylors greatest hits. She left when I was seven meaning I loved that tape ... when i was five. James Taylor's greatest hits on tape and Grease. My two Kristie things from when I didn't know what would happen next.

But see i'm self councous because I care to much. I'm self councous because I know what people say about other people and I don't want to be in that other people category. I attempted to cover this up though today during lunch. It was a small group of us supposedly meeting about the Literary Magazine. Nate M. didn't show of course and he for some reason was the reason we were having this meeting. I was a little late but I hadn't been missed. Kirsten sat in the corner with her rice and pork, she looked so comfortable so I came and sat right next to her maybe hoping I could share her pillow. Hannah was at the computer with Philip talking about something. I ended up starting a conversation with Kirsten for awhile about her lunch and dinner or something. I ignored David who I hadn't noticed as I walked in. He hides well, he was kind of sitting their all by himself on one wall. Somehow the conversation came back to Lucious (sam's brother if you don't know. Senior hot, hot hot senior) because Kirsten thought he was hot or something. I didn't know this so I kind of half sit up excited and say something along the lines of "Oh My God! You think he's hot! Like me and Georgia stalk him, more like Georgia but I help! Oh my god i've been in his room! I've been in his room!" Okay so I admit it wasn't very intelligent. And I hesitatingly admit that my strings of... oh my god isn't he hot have you seen his hair.... didn't end there. We continued with our conversation for awhile but by this time Hannah is standing a few feet away from us. Philip has followed her and they laugh. I look up, Spencer's glasses fall off my head where they have been since break. "What?" I ask
Hannah laughs and goes "Do you know how dumb you sound.".It wasn't funny, it was supposed to make me feel inferior and stupid.
Suddenly i'm mad. "Oh," I say, "Yeah I know but I don't care because I don't THINK anyone in this room is judging me by the way that i'm acting right now because usually I act a lot more intelligent and if you judge me on the way i'm being now, then that's your problem"

Yay

I didn't get to see Hannah's reaction because I turned back to Kirsten and said "So yeah Lucious is really hot."

Don't fucking judge people on everything. People make mistakes, and hey I had an awesomely fun conversation with Kirsten about how Lucias' bleached hair is beautiful. And I made a comeback that i'm super proud of (first time ever!). I was proud, and now I think i'm going to listen to James a little more...

I enjoy fencing quite a lot.

"maybe you can believe it if it helps you sleep but singing works just fine for you so goodnight moonlight ladies rockabye sweet baby james... deep greens and blues are the colors i choose... why don't you let me go down in my dreams and rockabye sweet baby james...

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is wrong with her? Anyone who is going to say something like that to you is just trying to make herself feel better by making you feel bad. I'm so glad you said something to her. Too often in the past, I've not said anything and regretted it for so long. I'm pretty sure it won't happen again since you made a point of standing up for yourself.

You are fabulous and you don't need anybody telling you otherwise!

xo,
Sandi

2:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhh - I just realized I didn't put this quote at the bottom of my comment - and it's perfect for the situation:

"Make me feel tiny if it makes you feel tall. But there's always someone cooler than you."
Ben Folds - There's Always Someone Cooler Than You

The song is full of good lyrics, although I don't care much for the actual song. "Smile - Like you've got nothing to prove. No matter what you might do,
there's always someone out there cooler than you"

-sandi

11:15 PM  

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