Saturday, April 30, 2005

Stealing Tea

Usually its me who has the music blasting at twelve at night... her laptop on and her body caffeinated. Tonight its me again, but i have someone doing the same exact thing downstairs. A mother who complains about lack of sleep continuously can't go to bed instead she stays up to work or secretly log on to idolonfox.com. Vienna is playing, I started to love this song after Thirteen going on Thirty. Maybe I shouldn't love that movie but secretly I do.

Joni Mitchell just came on. When I was younger a cd player was set up in my parents room. I must have been nine and my brother five. My dad would put in Blue by Joni Mitchell and i would fall asleep to it every night. I know the first three tracks by heart just because every night they were the last things i listened to. My room isn't dark enough. Tonight I wish I wasn't as alone. This was the best day i've had in a very long time. I can't believe its already the weekend. I've been waiting for a time when I can write all week. My life isn't slowing down though I think i've asked for it to go a few paces slower. How can I remember every memory. Every weekend do I have to sit up late and remind myself?

People are mad at me because i'm happy.

Counting Crows just came on. I think my mom is playing them downstairs. I took my dog on a walk today, I brought my ipod along and listened to Beulah and The Shins. It's my favorite part of my day if I go my usual rout. I can think, or I can not. But I get to just walk at my own pace and not think about talking or what I have to say for a minute. I like when Nina walks with me, those walks are always more fun. You find such interesting people in your neighborhood.

Yes Death Cab ... Lack of Color. I hate Bush for making me miss the OC. He's not doing anything to increase his popularity. Any other time during the week. Any! Damn him for taking away my one hour of pleasure this week.

Yesterday was a lot of extremes. I hated our school. I despised it, loathed it, was miserable and unappreciative. Pam is our assistant librarian. She works with Mig in the library as that is where most librarians work. Rocket Ship - Guster. Nice. This song reminds me of Canada. I listened to it when I went to bed every night. The chorus, the bumpy roads of salt spring. Pam is probably one of the nicest people in the world if you get on her good side. I love this woman, we bond over hatred of weeding and the OC which she watches religiously. Mind you she's a 46 year old woman with one son in my grade. She despises Jeramie though which means our advisee group either loves her or is terrified of her. Basically Someone on Earth Day last Thursday keyed her car. See the one thing about Pam is she's probably the only Republican teacher at the school. And, on her very nice SUV she has a W '04 sticker right in the back window. Most people know its her car. It doesn't fit well next to Adams beat up red miada.

On Monday we had a tedious meeting for Worship where Pam started to cry and tell the whole school that the car really meant something to her and she can't believe someone did this. It was a nice idea for the first ten minutes. She cried some more. Renee (head teacher) told us all about how trust is important and how we need to learn and she can not believe this and on and on. It should have ended there. After meeting for worship all the kids asked around if they knew who keyed it. No one did, the subject was forgotten in about five minutes. Now lets put aside the keying incident. On Wednesday I walk in to settling in to listen to Renee talking about how someone left a plate from hot lunches on the floor. Later, during seventh period the plate was still there and people were walking by not picking up the spilled lunch on the carpet. The people she yelled at happen to be Dru and Georgia but that doesn't matter. Jon Magovern supposedly spent time cleaning the carpet and he would have come talk to us but as hes so disappointed and angry that he doesn't want us to see him only as the angry man who screamed at us about the carpet so hes letting Renee do the work. What the Fuck?! It was a fucking plate?!? During lunch Ryan and Samantha clean up the trash outside because they felt so terrible for not taking better care of our community.
Okay that's nice, we all felt bad... or pretended to feel bad about the carpet. No one could see the stain though we were being told it was there. That afternoon after a rained out dress rehearsal for dance i'm getting a ride home with Mig who missed Wednesday staff meeting because she had to drum for our dance. Ida comes up and Mig rolls down the window of the Honda Odyssey exactly like my families. Mig asks about staff meeting and Ida tells her they are scheduling a car wash to pay back the keying of the car, many car washes actually and that every advisee group is going to make Pam a card and stick them in her windshield wiper every day. Mig nods and smiles saying that sounds great and how nice. My seat belt isn't on and the minute the window goes up I slink down my seat. I cover my face and say "Oh My God" Mig laughs. I repeat myself. "What are you thinking?" Mig asks "Cause i'm probably thinking the same thing." I sit up and say "we're taking this way to far." Mig laughs and nods. I continue to talk about how obsessive and annoying the whole situation is with Mig for a few more minutes. That made me feel better. We didn't do it. It was the older kids obviously, actually now on Friday the person who did it came out and Nate knows who it was. It was not one of us, most of us barely know Pam, and we apologized to her face in a meeting for worship. Why does this need to continue. Thursday we were asked to sign pages in a book that a staff member had compiled to thank Jon,David, and Dylan for cleaning our carpet. One little patch of food. One. Even today we got lectured about how horrendous the leaving of the plate was.

Maybe i'm just cynical but isn't this a little insane? Maybe i'm a terrible person because I don't think that signing a book to thank someone for cleaning a patch of carpet is the best way to show appreciation. Dru and I signed the book. "Thank you David... Yay out to Lunch to Bandido's on Monday! - Dru and Rebecca.

Let me tell you about Schadenfreude. Last year around basketball season someone announced UNC's loss and the Duke fans, about half the room cheered. Everyone in Durham has a team. Its black and white. I've always grown up a mixed child with no real preference and its been hell for me. This year I gave in and went for UNC being lucky enough to go for the winning team. Its also common knowledge your not a good UNC fan if you don't ALWAYS want Duke to lose and vise versa with Duke. I don't see how the losing of another team matters, but as we always talk about in math class under these rules Michael is a 'bad' fan while Nate who always roots against Duke is a "good/real" fan. Last year someone announced the loss. Half the room cheered. The next day Adam stands up during announcements at the white board that hangs in the center. Adam has charisma and we all listen, intently. He writes a word up on the board in his capital letters that he always uses. Schadenfreude. He asks if anyone knows what this is. No one does. He states that its taking pleasure in other peoples pain or losses. He goes on to explain it in more detail. It was so surreal. Competition is human nature guys. People have to get ahead in life, people do take pleasure in others pain because its human. We try not to, its not the best thing to do but we do it anywise. Are you going to judge me on my lack of empathy. Don't, i've been at this school for four years and when Adam my favorite teacher goes up to start talking about how were all shadenfreude filled and how no more sports announcements will be made at school I feel betrayed. As if the only person who I thought wouldn't get sucked in to the system did.

I was really frustrated with CFS yesterday. I hated the kindness the togetherness the sharing the patience. I tried to tell Samantha during the other rehearsal for dance I just mentioned don't you think they are going a little to far with this cleaning the center thing. Samantha said no, of course not its a huge issue and should be handled like this.

That scared me a little bit. I turned to Dru instead who agreed with me completely. Maybe you don't understand. Maybe you don't get how detached our community is. But we are and that's what scares me, the realization that most kids would get eaten alive any where else. The realization that the world doesn't work like this. Its a nice fantasy for a few years and i'm not going to even go in to the whole 'this isn't the real world' argument. Fuck it CFS is the real world its just a real world that sometimes I don't belong in. That's why today I hung out with the people I did. It detached me, suddenly I was in control, I knew georgia would be annoyed. I knew people would notice but, you know they were being really cool, and wanted me to stay to hang out with them, so I didn't leave. I unlike people i wont name aren't sucking up to the athorities. I get a look from Leon when I half lye down during meeting for worship. I have my own opinions and for those minutes between class I don't have to follow around the year book staff and go to the smoothie sale. Instead I can steal some tea with Jeramie and sit with four guys two wearing matching plaid pants in Ida's room. I hate when people don't see things I see, but I hate when people notice things as I do more. I'm over it now. Thursday night changed a lot. Spanish today did too.

We danced on the field and I had a great time. Yes, the thing I was regretting. It was actually a moment. In the end the drums are going and were dancing in the middle of the field, i’m holding Leo’s hand and Oliver is chasing Mariah. Dru is next to me and Julliette near us. Ryan’s fake falling to make Dru laugh and Mike’s dancing with Anna a little ways away. The drums are still being played and Aja and I watch Dave as always. Nate was around but soon disappeared. Suddenly I don’t care about that part of school anymore. Instead I want to explain to everyone that i’m having such a good day and run around on a field.

I really valued the silence of Meeting for Worship today. Sam was trying to get me to sit back with him underneath the desk but I kind of scooted out and instead cleared my head for a half hour. It was dark in the center during dance, it was so cozy as we helped make the set for the play next week. Spanish I ended up going outside and talking with someone for awhile. We just sat and talked pretending to read. We hadn’t talked in awhile and I had been missing it. I turned to Molli during first period today after I had had a very nice morning. We were observing live worms and she had hers in front of her. She named it Otis actually... I was sharing a worm with Sam because we wanted to work together and I didn’t want to have complete responsibility for something. See, i’m going to be a terrible mother. Michael's ignoring me, but he sits on my left with his grandmother. It was grandparents day. I take out these glasses I found yesterday that I was wearing all during Sex ed. Which by the way was amazingly fun and great as always. Well we didn't really learn yesterday. Rachel just let us goof off. So, i take out my glasses and show them off to the room. I know I look incredibly insane, they are clear and plastic and rap around goggle like. “Molli,” I say. “I’m going to be so incredibly sad when this year is over.” I push the goggles up on my face.
Molli sighs. She then looks up from Otis. “Rebecca you keep changing your mind.”
I grin, adjust my glasses again and poke my worm.

3 Comments:

Blogger rebecca said...

wow great entry....haha i def think you should be a unc fan....lol but wow i love reading your blog...i miss you so much. luv ya..

rebecca d

8:22 AM  
Blogger Jeramie said...

im not scared of pam, she just pisses me off. I bet shes actually scared of me, and wants to prove shes not, so instead is really rude to me... i forgot to sign the card thing..oops, but they're totally making it out to be bigger than it really is.
that tea was like the highlite of my day, man. later, i stole the last orange one, and some of the hot chocolate. it was pretty great, jim came in, right when maggie was about to steal some, and she was like, can i have some of the tea, and he went off on her, how its supposed to be for the grandparents, so i was secretly laughing, and congratulating myself, knowing that forth years are so much better than first years, and it totally boosted my self w.e, because i stole some and she didnt.

5:49 PM  
Anonymous Anthony said...

wow your school seems very...nieve

3:50 PM  

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