Friday, April 15, 2005


Its Exactly 10:01. For the first time in a very long time I haven't closed my blinds after it got dark. They are still open and our neighbors could easily watch my tired form lying against a pillow next to the side of her bed typing franticly on a mac. They don't see me though, not only do they not look they don't want to. As much fun as it is to spy on someone peeking to deep in to someone's life even makes you feel exposed.

I started biting my finger nails again. For awhile a small period of time I stopped, determined not to become my mother. I've started again and slowly my range of biting just the nails has reached the cuticles and I sit long periods of time pulling the small shreds off my skin until it bleeds. The red droplets forming on the edges of my fingers. My fingers ache with hangnails and ripped skin. Its an addiction.

I'm actually in a fine mood.


My throat hurts and so do my eyes, and my stomach, and head. They started hurting the minute I walked in the door from advisee outing. Talking about our outing! Jeramie my coolest red-haired friend wrote about the outing on her blog and it mentions me quite a bit. You guys should check it out, she's an amazing writer. Her Blog

Basically i'm reading fight club. If you haven't seen it, see it. If you haven't read it, read it. After you've done that come talk to me.

My dad is still fighting for me to see this Russian movie Soloris with him. My parents have decided that I neglect them now and spend to much time doing other things. This is completely true of course so i'm slowly attempting to pretend to hang out with them. Tonight I sat their for two hours watching the incredible with everyone plus Wyatt and Cindy. The couch was completely full so I had to sit on the floor. My throat hurts even more now. Damn my parents who are putting to bed their other children and haven't gotten me Tylono yet... never mind, as I am typing this my dad is handing me two Motrins. Super.

I just realized I haven't gotten the hiccups in a very very very long time.

And my mom has just come in to tell me that as I am not feeling well I should go to bed soon. I tell her that i'm not talking to people online and this is my blog and doesn't count. She says that it doesn't matter either way I have to go to bed. I nod and say I understand.

So, commenting guys? As I know of a few people actually take the time to read this blog. For sure I know of five people who read it regularly and I think maybe once in awhile its even more. I would really appreciate more than one person dropping a hello or, I don't know a comment? Something to respond to? A question, an idea, something about their lives? Break out of the ordinary leave me a message, i'd appreciate it. Like Sandi commenting. Perfect example of someone who I wouldn't think would comment commenting. And you know what? It was really nice to see.

Advisee outing happened. Our group consists of 8 people. 6 girls 2 boys.

I just remembered Grandma's coming next week. And two days of classes!

We rented a van for twelve people. Jasmine and Layla sat in the way back, the next was Anna Ruth, Jeramie in the middle, and Maxine. Then Spencer, me, and Randy. I of course tried to find the prime seat for the music dicission, so I sat in the front middle. I even kind of had foot rests if I moved the right way. The car ride was super. We played music and talked, other music and talked. By the end Spencer and I just chatted about music and people and things. Mostly about Jeramie though... Layla was sitting in the way back listening to Destiny's child and responding to something Jasmine had said. He turns to me and whispers in my ear "Isn't it amazing how stereotypically black they are?" I couldn't stop laughing until we got to the boat house.
I refused to play Jeramie's music and Jeramie responded with a "You can't always get what you want."
Spencer responds with a "but if you try sometimes you might just find, you get what you need." We repeated that line a few more times before sticking the cd in as Spencer yells, "This song will prove my point ! Just listen just listen!" The last fifteen minutes of the trip we listen to You Can't Always Get What You Want until we can't stand it anymore and we feel like our point has been made.

The boat house is beautiful. I realized now i've been three different times. A new dock has been added since I last went in November but as its been raining the dock is partially underwater. I don't mind getting my shoes wet so I jump on it dragging Maxine and Anna Ruth with me. A metal Bench sits on wooden dock looking out at the Pamlico sound and we sit on it. I have the other girls on each of my sides and I am the only warm one. I talked about something, and I was happy that for once someone actually wanted to hear what I was saying. We sat and talked, then Jeramie joined us, and Layla and Jasmine and we all sat their for awhile talking about people until we decided we were cold and ran inside. Inside was not much different as we all jumped on Migs huge brown couch and ended up squished on there. Its a three person couch, but six can fit if we become really small and all eight can fit if I lay on top of three people. I'm lying in Anna Ruth's lap and were all just talking and talking. Spencer wont shut up as he's lying on the spare bed which is in the main room with the couch. He's quoting Sienfeld episodes then he stops. He pats the space in the bed next to him. "If a girl doesn't sit here right now then this isn't America." No one moves. "What? This isn't America or something this is like Germany or Jamaica." I promise you he did not shut up for two hours. Burrito's are soon eaten and then its 8:03. *sigh* Thursday night, 8 o'clock. I ended up finding FOX on the tiny TV. So what if the picture was basically tiny colored dots, so what if the sound was crackling. When it started to work I freaked out and kind of danced around the room for a second. After that no one wanted to crush my enthusiasm so no one didn't watch. Which was probably the nicest thing they could do. They all shut up and watched my obsession with me. If that's not friendship then what is. By the way it is quite a good episode though I could barely hear it as I spent most of the hour trying to fix the antenna's.

Then we walked in the dark to the neighbors property. We stood on a dock for a second looking at the stars. Then everyone leaves except me, Jeramie, Spencer and Randy. Were standing right by the water, the sky is bright enough to kind of see, and Randy leans against a nearby tree. Jeramie and I stand next to each other looking out on the water. If you close your eyes you don't feel like your standing on land anymore. Spencer comes up behind us, gives up after we don't respond to his attempt to talk. For the first time all day I am serious "Hey Spencer, Do you think you could be quiet for .... two minutes? Maybe three if you work really hard." And he shuts up, he actually shuts up. We stand their for awhile. Jeramie turns to me. "Wouldn't it be funny if someone came up and killed us right now."
"Yep, " I say "I would laugh really hard."
"Well, its best to die laughing isn't it."
"True that." I say and look up at the sky. "True that my friend."

We end up sitting on the bench out there for awhile. Not talking, just sitting. Spencer tries to put his arm around Jeramie and for once she lets him. Randy is still, no one wants to move.

Later after smores its only us four again. Chocolate has been eaten, Spencer's ghost story about some guy that no one actually was listening to is over. Mig looks really happy. The wind bites and i'm freezing. Randy has his own chair and hes fiddling with a huge stick that's charred from the fire. I'm curled up on the chair as small as i can go. A few minutes earlier Jeramie had told me i'm the smallest person ever in response to the way I curled in to a ball. I'm freezing but I don't want to go in. Jeramie and Spencer are sharing a seat. This wasn't Jeramie's choice, but were making jokes about it all the same. I start thinking about something unrelated to the outing. The other three and Mig are talking around me. I'm to disconnected to join in. Once in awhile I make my comment but then i'm back to staring at the small flames licking underneath the bottom of the grill. I ask Spencer why he's in love with Jeramie and not me. He responds telling me that he likes his girls taller then him. Me and Randy scoff. When the fire finally dies we go inside to watch zoolander. I fall asleep curled up in another chair after the Gas fight scene. That is the best part.

The Car ride home was uneventful. Stairway to Heaven was played maybe four times in the car. Its stuck in my head now I also finally had my conversation about the wave of posers who think they know Hendrix and Led Zeppelin with Spencer. It was actually a really great conversation. When I said that Hendrix wasn't as great as Bob Dylan Spencer disagrees and says... "But he's dead. You can't be mean to dead people, you have to be nice and say that all dead people are the best."
"Well," I say, "Hitler's dead and no ones nice to him."

I thought this was hysterically funny.

It was really fun. I still can't get stairway to heaven out of my head.

Its 11:33 right now. Damn I hate how time goes by so fast.


Blogger Jeramie said...

awesome. I love your blog. you might want to change smokers to smores, as we were not smoking, but w.e. I love how much better you are at describing things than i am...and i said wouldnt it be funny if a *Tsunami* came up and killed us..but you knew that. God, this was the best advisee outing EVER!!

1:28 PM  
Anonymous Matt said...

Hey, I read your blog.
I think it has a disapointing level of Matt-related banter ;).

9:55 PM  

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