Monday, May 30, 2005


I woke up and looked at my site meter for this site, its May 30th. No one told me it was almost June...

Walking my dog yesterday i found myself back on our street stepping on our neighbors lawn, and winding myself up in to the driveway. Suddenly to end my thinking process and surrender myself in to the computer screen. I guess I can still think once I stop walking, i realized my mind makes up stories when i'm unconscious and suddenly my brain is writing without me thinking. Theirs no plot, just words scrambling themselves around to form paragraphs that fall neatly in to my brain. I don't understand how they write themselves but I can never get them down on paper. Part of me doesn't really want to. I'm chewing on a green fuse bead. Those children look happy, I guess thats what mismatched fuse bead hearts can do for you. The one in my mouth doesn't look quite like a fuse bead anymore. It kind of looks like a boat, I was going to say vagina but then i thought you would all think thats weird. And once I realized that I can't chew it anymore. Let's find something else to put in my mouth. A yellow paperclip, there we go. I always feel better after walking my dog, suddenly life doesn't pile itself on top of each other an endless stream of disappointments. I wrote about it... last year in creative writing and Adam and I ended up talking about it for twenty minutes after class. That's when I had to step back and realize shit... he got what i was getting at. It's always nice when people understand you, its also a little off putting. They balance each other out though.

I've gotten told by a fair amount of people that they think in the end i'll be the one pressuring someone to have sex instead of the stereotypical guy. Um what? haha does that really come across in my personality?

Georgia I want your fudge...

I watched Scrubs with my dad and brothers from four to nine last night. Five hours, and my mom made us mojito's which she does well except mine is non alcohol so doesn't taste quite as good as my dads. The show is really interesting, my mom is exactly like Elliot the main girl character and dad and I kept realizing it. Of course JD is the stereotypical jew, who dad and i realized is in most shows, movies, plays. Seriously, this world is filled with television shows where the main character who is a Jew is having to put up with WASPS and their life is so hard because of it. Scrubs, the OC, Friends, Sienfeld, Angels in America... all the same. Because the jewish one grows up to write the story. My dad turned to me after we had talked, "No wonder people think their is a jewish conspiracy, it seems like we're taking over the world." Amen dad, Amen.

Friday, May 27, 2005


i just edited my last post and took out some complaining because i'm in a good mood now and i hate reading things when i'm upset and hope that no one sees me act like an idiot.


I had a great day

I think Star Wars is the reason why life is okay

My sushi role got 'rated' 9.5 by Nate and Eric

Making sushi is fun, I wish I was japanese and in that movie with Bill Murray

The one that made me want to be a director

Lost in Translation that reminds me of Eternal Sunshine which I think I might watch tonight

Hence the title of my blog

I also wish I was in ghost busters, the first one though, or maybe I wish I just was in Star Wars

Hey, go here... Molli's blog where she talks about me on the fourth year trip... and has an entire entry bashing me. Aja wrote a comment on her blog today during break. Um... thanks Aja

Henry came back and gave me the hugest hug ever

I got to use the electric hole punch again I hadn't used since I broke it in 6th Grade

That was exciting

I am so proud of Grace

Holy Shit I do not believe people are this ignorant. Right here too... Just down the road really.

Makes you think about things a little more

Nina and I talked. It's good it's just another thing I have to get used to. Sometimes I hate school. Today I was watching people and I never wanted to leave. I hope these next to weeks are as long as I can make them. That's what Nina and I were talking about.

Thursday, May 26, 2005


Oh... look at the pictures I added... more coming....

I went to bed at 8:30 last night. I didn't want to watch American Idol so I head in to my room and turn my speakers on shuffle. Yeah, i'm lying there in a jeans and t-shirt curled up in a tiny ball with the clicker in my hand, and i'm skipping songs and only listening to the slow ones. I think I finally fell asleep to Time of Your Life and once Hot Hot Heat comes on and wakes me up I realize I have to turn it off and go to bed. What is wrong with me?

Ugh, Counting Crows just came on shuffle. I hate REM, I hate U2, and I hate Counting Crows since my mom started to like them. I feel like its yesterday. Ah I am so not in the mood to be profound. No one has updated their blogs. I swear, I am such a loser. How much lack of life so I have that I spend thursday night curled up in front of my computer typing out stuff no one actually reads anymore. Yeah, I think maybe three people read this thing, and one of them is my mom. Mom's don't count. I hate Postal Service too. I know that's like Indie suicide to say that, but I love Death Cab, and hate just hate Postal Service. I like Tom Waits though, and Dylan.

We were at maple view farms today to learn how they make ice cream. Leon got kind of mad because I was making fun of Eric and stroking his arm, and Margolis was poking Sarah and Sarah was poking me and Leon wanted us to ask questions but honestly what about? We were watching a machine, and an old lady stood their and none of us had anything to fucking say. They had a Boom Box though and Copperhead road is playing which makes me yell loudly, "I LOVE STEVE EARL!" which put me in a good mood for about ten minutes. I miss my dad. Dammit...

Matt wont talk to me online. What the fuck is up with that? So, I guess I won't talk to him again until he talks to me, i've had to initiate talking the last two times.

Is that my dad? Is he home? HELL YEAH! oh no, which means he's going to try to recruit me to watch Solaris with him. So, this movie, Solaris, have I mentioned it? It's one of my dads obsessions. He's watched it a total of six times, and watched the commentary once or twice. Something is purring in my room. I found a tick on me yesterday and one on my computer when I came home from school today. I've been in such a weird mood I didn't even care. Solaris is this science fiction movie from 1971 that I think is probably the most boring movie ever. I can understand why its beautiful, I can understand the art, I can understand why its a masterpiece but when a scene goes on for fifteen minutes when he's just driving through the futuristic society that doesn't look futuristic cause its obviously just Tokyo in 1971. all right, actually it wasn't that bad but for some reason i'm really angry and Solaris is a nice place to let out all my anger. My dad didn't get that when we sat down to watch the movie. He should have understood that no matter if it was amazing I was going to hate it because he wanted me to like it so much. Understand? So yes this is the outlet i'm letting out my anger on, this dumb movie. I hate it. I hate it. I fucking hate it so much. It makes me really upset because i'm sending all my feelings in to hating it, so I don't want to watch it. My dad read my blog in the airport on his cell phone. He was stuck their for five hours. He started quoting an entry he liked and I paused and said, "You can compliment it, and tell me what you like, but you can't read out an entry where I mention you because your my dad." Then I went in to my room, turned out the lights, and shut the door. What's wrong with me?

I'm being mean to my mom. Really mean, and I know it, I don't mean to say things in a mean cynical tone but its like the movie, I'm not mad at her. I'm just upset and she's their and its like she's the only person I can get mad at who'll still love me after I do. Because right now i have a huge list of people I want to get mad at, but can't. I so do not want to listen to Beulah right now. Do you see that somethings wrong? So, I come downstairs yesterday because I want to make toffee for dinner and my mom asks me about the recipe and i snap at her and throw on a sweatshirt and start melting butter. Then I snap at her again, and then she's upset and I feel bad but for some reason I can't say sorry because I know it will sound mean. I hate my hair. So, i'm melting butter and sugar and i'm not talking, and i'm close to crying and I have no idea why and so i stir and stir and hope that she realizes whams wrong. Of course she doesn't. I don't blame her, of course she doesn't know.

I got the white stripes CD.

I know why i'm upset.

Of course I know why i'm upset, I always know why i'm upset. Do you guys want to hear about it? Well I really like Hollaback girl, and I bought Fit But You Know it, by the streets which Nate M. and I listened to about twenty times today during cooking. Agh, bus ride! Everyone knows the chorus just because of that. So I added a few lines to my info, along with Jewel because she's making me feel how James used to make me feel which is incredibly sad, but also joyful at the same time which is reason to put anyone on your profile.

Okay, were going to skip Weezer.

I was a bitch to Nina too. God dammit. Tomorrow I guess were going to talk, I mentioned Matt and I and at first she wanted to be supportive but I think both of us knew she couldn't help. Then when I told Georgia Nate happened to be their so she starts talking about Nate, and I don't want anyone talking to me about Nate I just want someone to make it all okay really fast. My dad kind of helped and seriously am terrified of relationships and commitment and I panicked so I got upset because people in school got mad and it turned in to a mess. So, Matt and I didn't break up because I liked Nate more. It had nothing to do with Nate, honestly nothing at all. So now, Nates asking me if were going to go out next year, and he's asking me if i'm going to hook up with Matt at fencing camp, and people are asking if I'm going out with Nate, and if i'm okay, and if I miss Matt and if i'm upset, and are we getting back together, and telling me I should go out with Nate and telling me i'm taking Matt for granted, and Nate's amazingly hot and I'm taking him for granted, and I don't deserve guys liking me, and i'm not that great any ways and what is going to happen next? I just want everyone to stop.

So this is my answer to all of those questions: I have no idea

We visited Georgia on Tuesday. Me, Molli and Nate. Nate and I watched her lesson before we got bored and walked around outside for awhile until it started to pour and we ran in to the woods because it was a touch more dry. Were sopping wet and Nate's shivering and I keep laughing at how cold he is because he's shaking and he has no fat on him and its really cute. So we stood in the woods for awhile and talked, and made fun of the riders then we run out to Molli's mom's car and were completely soaked, and then we can't find Georgia's house so Nate and I are in the back seat attempting to be quiet and having a really good time, before we pour over an Ellegirl and I point out all the hot boys and why they're so great, and I try to explain why I love Topher Grace. Then were both shivering and Molli's passing us chocolate chips and were laughing at everything. Georgia was fine, she looked tired but I think she loved seeing us. We sat on her bed and talked about stupid things for awhile. While we were on her bed I was really tired and kept almost falling asleep while she was telling us the very exciting story about her surgery. Then, I told her nothing interesting was happening at school, and then I kind of lay their while Nate looked super awkward and we got on the subject of Sam and Nate and I buried my face deep in her pillow and was like, "I am so not worth guys fighting over me." And Nate goes, "yeah you are," And I laughed in to Georgia's pillow and was like uh really not but thanks. So that made my day, and probably my week. So I was really nice to Nate after that. Then the ride home was great as I was trying to explain about seeing the bear near Eno River. Which is a whole other story and i'm explaining and laughing really hard. Molli and Nate don't get it but they think its hilarious i'm attempting to explain. So that was the best afternoon this week.

Every single one i'm serious. I have no idea. I'm not going to go out with Nate anytime soon, I know that. For sure. Honestly, Matt wanted to get back together Tuesday night and part of me wishes I had said somethin besides remaining silent. Because the moments passed, and he sure as hell has gotten over it. I on the other hand walked myself in to a trap. You know why I don't let myself like people? Because of this.

Jewel just came on....

Yeah, because however stupid it sounds however much your going to make fun of me. I did exactly what i was trying to avoid. "I've been down so long..." It's no ones fault except my own. Yeah, I was upset because of a boy. Something i've been trying to avoid for four years. That's not the only thing i'm upset about. I'm mad at certain people because of small things, i'm mad because they don't get anything. I'm upset about the year ending, i'm upset about leaving my friends, I mean i'm really happy too in tons of ways. But i'm blaming my anger on the Matt situation. Then it has a nice reason you know, its not just me being moody. I've always been told that you don't tell someone how you really feel. Or maybe not told, just idk your supposed to just hint at it right? You always have to keep that hidden. Whatever, fuck that. You guys can all find out whams going through my head right now. Every single time I get online and Matt's been on, and he's not talking to me and i'm not on his info, and I miss the way it used to be, and no ones called my cell phone in awhile. So, also because i'm so mad at myself for caring about this. I'm not letting myself be upset about something that basically is my doing.. I don't want to be upset so i'm pretending i'm completely fine. So instead I freak out at my mom . I just kind of think i'm to young to actually care about things like this. I shouldn't care, or I shouldn't care this much. Again, I don't know what I want but I don't want this. Because whatever it is it didn't make me feel any fucking better. I miss Matt... Whatever...i miss someone who was their and suddenly he's not and it's the hardest thing to adjust to. Ugh and then I talked to him online today after we didn't talk for two hours even though both of us were online...and then I got on again and I was like hey! i'll tell Matt about fencing camp which I was reading about. And then he was tired or whatever and I felt like the only one talking and I felt clingy and as if he was hinting to me to get over it already, because it's not that big a deal, and he doesn't really want to talk to me right now any ways. So, then Joe got online and he made me feel better. Except not. Because I fucking care so much. I hate it, I hate how I know soon enough it'll actually be gone completely and we wont talk after summer and i'll lose one of the few people I can really talk to... and then I reread that last sentence and think i'm over reacting and being stupid and I hate it and probably will delete it in a few minutes after I reread it several times and realize that I sound dumb and like the exact thing i've been trying to avoid.

Ugh Did I actually just say all that stuff. Dammit, I hate how its true.

"whatchya ganna do katie...."

Okay, have i talked about you enough now Matt? haha... i told you i'd write more....

But, In the Kitchen has been great. Man, we made some good pretzels today. Sarah Merrit and I have bonded and i've sat with Margolis for hours on the benches talking about really unimportant stuff. No one is at school so we have free reign, which means we don't move and sit their for hours poking each other. Yesterday we were all lying down in Leon's room. Me, Margolis, Sadie, Molli (Nate's sister), Eric (My new Favorite person, who I kept telling randomly, Eric I am so attracted to you its so weird.), and Sarah. I was so comfortable because we all were just randomly talking about the cold, and heat, and leaning on each other and talking about who was who's bitch. Everything someone would say I would look at them and pause and say "Your mom," which I also did today while making pretzels and cookies. Sarah keeps saying, "Buddy," and "Oh My gosh" In this really funny way, and I keep telling Margolis, "Do it! Do it! Do it!" Which only us know what i'm talking about. Then were lying in Nancy's room today and Eric is my hero. And I have an entire couch to myself and Margolis and I are rapping out to Fit but you know it... "Don't touch me, Don't touch me" Eric and Margolis are talking about whisks as loudly as they can and me and Sarah are cracking up but pretending not to think its funny. But we get caught having more then three people on the couch in the center so none of us are allowed the rest of the day. Later though we come back from Maple View and we all jump on the couch, then I realize we have more then three people and none of us are allowed and Renee and Ida are both walking out of the staff room so I jump up really quickly and say "Oh Shit." Really loudly and then Ida and Renee flip out. I have no idea what they are talking about then I realize, and pretend its not me but then I have to fess up and apologize but they start half yelling at me, so I drag Sarah to come run away with me. That wasn't to brilliant. At least at Maple View farm when Leon asked someone to divide 900 by 7 in their head I did it first, it happens to be about 128. The weird boy I had the connection with was their again and Sarah desperately wanted to talk to him but instead I refused and sat on the ledge bumming off other peoples ice cream. Even remembering this makes me in a good mood. I've been having a good time. Third Eye Blind on shuffle... I love 90's pop.

Maybe i'll disappear in to myself for awhile.

I think i've been needing that lately

Maybe I've realized that the only thing that makes me feel better is writing a huge ass blog entry about everything that's wrong. For some reason I can breath again. Now i'm really happy... I think I might shower.

Monday, May 23, 2005


Matt and I broke up

we both fucked up

And Georgia's in the hospital and Dru's at the beach

And i'm selfish cause I already miss him and its been ten minutes

And I shouldn't be writing all of this on my blog

And i should get over it cause it was i guess the best idea

And now i'm adding on to this post and I talked to my dad and made a few things okay

So now, i'm going to bed and we'll see

I guess

Sunday, May 22, 2005


So, My ipods on shuffle, my lights are off and i'm waiting for my mom to finish putting down the boys so I can finally watch OC. We'll see how much I can get through to you in this entry... how much you'll understand.

To start us off Joni Mitchell's come on but i'm skipping through it because all I can see while listening is Ryan singing it in Leon's area which gets old very fast. "And the seasons, they go round and round..."

Yes! Josie and the Pussycats! For some reason its been what i've needed lately. I've listened to it while i've been getting dressed in the morning and its motivated me ... "na na yeah yeah ... na na" Maxine burned it for me. Nina and I were obsessed with this movie when we were about ten. Which makes me think of the Back street boys which makes me desperately happy.

Beware this is going to be long.

Actually Holy shit have you seen how long this is?!? I understand if you have to skip around.. though i'd love you to make the effort of reading and commenting.

I hate when the phone rings. My dad freaks out when it rings when were watching TV. My mom doesn't understand how it bothers us so much. Imagine something suddenly slicing through all your muscles and jolting you out of your seat. That's how it feels when the phone rings. My heart starts to beat and it catches me completely off guard. I hate answering because someone is probably on the other end. I like when my cell phone rings though. The ring tones are more soothing and I always like the people who call me on there. My mom just came upstairs and yelled at me for no reason about the phone. I have music on, I can't hear anything. Mariah was the second call, shes hanging out at some bat mitzvah party, and the phone is ringing again. I always end up being the kid who talks to the parents instead of the kids themselves. Woah, I have not listened to Green Day for awhile, yet here we are. I miss that part of my life, the Green Day loving kid that I was in the beginning of the year. I keep getting online thinking someone I need will be available but no one is. So now lets get to the good stuff. Wednesday I went shopping with my mom and we hung out, and I realized shes probably the coolest mom ever which is nice to understand. Hm.. Neutral Milk Hotel. I love them. Then I woke up desperately early to drive to school to go on the trip. Of course were the last people there even though my dad and i pull up five minutes late. I run to the bus instead of Renee's car because I promised Georgia i'd sit with her. Basically Sam S. switched out of the bus so i could ride on it which made Georgia upset for a little bit but was probably the nicest thing of the entire trip.

Just kidding i've decided I'll just listen to spoon for awhile.

But now, I had only written that paragraph but I put my computer away and went online, and watched the OC then downloaded music, then went to bed. I just got the other two Spoon CD's I didn't have. I got woken up at one by my dad telling me we were going to go get ice cream at Maple View. So, I ended up sitting in the back seat of the van with my brother and his friend Wyatt being highly uncomfortable. Then, at the store I got amazingly good ice cream and I swear I had this weird connection with this guy behind the counter. Then my family ended up walking down this dirt path and I lied on the grass and slept instead. I didn't ever want to move, the grass was so green and the sun was so strong. Back in the car I attempted to explain why Beyonce was a cool person, not her music but her persona. I don't think they got it.

So now it's three in the afternoon and I still have to walk my dog, and finish my eval for Mig. And tonight I get to go over to Mariah's for her party kind of thing which is going to be really fun. Ah, I like this CD.

The bus was weird at first. I was sitting next to Margolis, but I got the aisle so I could talk to Georgia. We all ended up just sitting there half talking for the first few hours. Newspapers were rolled up and I hit Margolis over the head a couple of hundred times with Molli's magazines. I now look back and realize I don't remember much of anything. We played cards for a little while on Colin's pillow. We talked about who everyone had liked this year. We discussed classes and life, then we pulled in to a drug store and Dru and I jumped around the store. The other bus was having a brilliant time and our bus glared at them. Molli bought strawberry condom lubrication and somehow Nate V. on the way back was dared to eat it for four bucks. He ate it in the end, then Margolis was bothering me with his laugh so I made him switch with the other Nate. And then we just sat there for awhile, and neither of us talked but I swear I saw Phill driving in Boone. So, to the camp people, I saw Phill! Then I told everyone on the bus and got really excited and Georgia got all mad because I mentioned Nina. Then we were loud for awhile, and seats were changed and we were listening to this one British rap song over and over. It was blasting out of speakers in the back of the bus. After Subway for lunch the seats suddenly got really comfortable. I was sitting next to Sam R. but leaning on Georgia across the aisle. And that was the best part of all the bus rides. Because we were just leaning there talking about boobs and acting stupid, and fun, and laughing at everything that was said. Georgia was really comfortable and I wasn't tired anymore because of the caffeine in the coke. Oh that reminds me, I think i'm going to go get a soda. I just went downstairs and i don't think I will again any time soon. The babies are yelling and my moms on the phone looking stressed, but we got a toaster! I don't think we've had a toaster for like eight years.

So the bus was really loud towards the end and all of us in the front were getting along really well. Georgia and I would break in to Photograph every once in awhile... "If you want it." "Dododo" "You can have it." "Dododo" We sung only that part probably fifteen times while everyone else got more and more agitated. Both Nates were sitting behind me and they motioned towards Sam to lean in because they had a secret. I'm sitting there and Margolis tells me I can't hear. After a few seconds the huddle breaks away and I don't stop talking to Georgia. Margolis pokes me on the back. "Do you want to know what we were talking about?" Sure, I say but I don't turn around, I keep talking with Georgia. "It was dumb," Margolis says. "Okay," I say.
"We probably shouldn't tell you."
"Oh okay."
"Well if you REALLY want to know..."
I laugh. "um no, but sure."
Margolis pokes Vernon in the arm. "You tell her."
Nate V. shakes his head and turns to me, "I don't know how to say this..."
I sigh, you know what, I explain, I don't care that much just tell me later. All three of the guys looked really disappointed.

Then we arrive at the rafting place and Nate comes over and hints for me to get Maxine to take her shirt off so shes only wearing a bathing suit. Sam is kind of mad at me but he gives me a hug any ways. I was missing Dru and Jeramie because she was on the other bus so I run up to them and want them to only pay attention to me. But they don't and I quickly give up and talk to Molli instead. I make sure Georgia knows she can't leave me alone ever. We had to drive forty five minutes up the mountain to get to the place we start rafting. We went on this huge bus and i'm sitting next to Hannah for the most awkward forty five minutes i can remember. We both were attempting to be nice to each other, but Hannah mentioned how Chapel Hill is better because its 'safer' then Durham which made me laugh really hard. Okay yes Chapel Hill is safer but how does that make is better necessarily. So we had a weird 'argument' that was arguing but pretending to like each other arguing. Then we argued about drugs for a few minutes until the southern guide stood in the front to tell us about safety. I used hate southerners, but as i've met more, gotten to know more, i've changed my mind. I can't really talk because technically i'm a southerner myself, but also I think their really interesting. This guy standing up there had obviously done this talk hundreds of times. He motioned with his hands, made jokes in all the right places. He called on the only two people who raised their hands, Henry and Ryan. His long hair and beard got in the way of his hat and he couldn't stop tapping his foot. He talked like he was above us all and that suddenly gave him authority. When Renee asked him a question he looked at her and she coiled a little underneath his stare. Jim was complaining endlessly about getting sun screen in his eye which is one of the examples of the kind of thing he does to get people to hate him.

6 people to a raft and the other bus had already made the 'perfect' group while my group kind of formed around Aja so me and Georgia were left out and Molli wouldn't separate from us. Renee flipped out at me again so when it became obvious one of us three would have to leave the other two i volunteered. As I was walking away I waved to Georgia and she mouthed... "I hate you" So, I was on a raft with Julie, Josh, Jordan, whose a substitute teacher who was helping drive who used to go to CFS. He's young, and awesome and knows every line from all these weird movies. Also we had Joe and Sam. Our guide was this woman who reminded me of every councilor at GRP. Jordan was trying to impress her with his authority and it wasn't working. He would make comments to get her to laugh but she wouldn't, she was way to smart for that. It was a lot of fun, honestly I thought it would be terrible. But see what I always forget is that I get along with Joe and Sam pretty well. I momentarily forgot all of those second periods when were hanging out and actually getting along. Sam did a back flip during one of the class four rapids. It was brilliant. He was sopping wet, and he was wearing this white band shirt and his cut off black jeans and with the helmet his eyes looked huge and he's so skinny even with the life jacket on. He looked so insane and I made fun of him the entire time. Joe's mohawk was sticking out of the holes in the top of the helmet and so all these bright orange wisps were coming out in front of me. I ended up being in the front for awhile but then got moved to the back because Sam started yelling about how weak I was. He kept telling me I looked like such a little kid and then another boat popped so we had to stop and wait for them to patch it up. So Sams out of the boat trying to keep it on shore and I'm lying down on the side while talking with Joe and life. The suddenly i sit up and we start playing rock paper scissors really really fast. Then both of the boys tell me if I fall out they wont save me, and earlier whenever we went around a turn i would fall in to the middle of the boat because as Joe says "You weigh like eight pounds," Which made me really happy. Then Sam let me pretend to make him drown by pushing his head in the water and he got really wet. Then we finally started again while Joe explained that anything that happened after this point was my fault and i kept poking him in the back just to make him turn around. The rapids had settled down and we were nearing the end. Ryan had flipped out of his boat twice, Henry once with his bright orange recess shirt (which he claims is the reason girls asked him to dance at the dance, even though its just because everyone loves Henry). Were finally quiet for the first time all day. Then Jordan looks around and says "Isn't it beautiful."

You sound intelligent if you appreciate beauty. Suddenly your smarter if you claim somethings beautiful.

I'm thinking about this when Joe sighs and turns to me. "You realize your blog entry is going to be like eight pages, and you know what i'm going to read every single word." I laugh and say yeah, i've realized that. "And i'll comment!" Joe says, "I'll comment something as long as the entry itself." "yay!" I say ... I think everyone realized that everything they said to me would be catalogued and sorted in to my entry. I wanted to turn to Joe and say, I hope your realize your actions are going to be quoted. Of course I leave out all the bad stuff, the stuff I really can't share. Just, I spend my life attempting to remember things and once I write them down I can forget them. I don't have to remember the details because I can just read it. That's why I have to write it all down, so my mind doesn't get completely full. Why do i spend so much time on memories?

I made my May mix... like I do every month and its playing now on shuffle. So Kieser Chiefs are playing which is nice because I haven't over played them yet. So, I have a feeling most of you are going to skip around until you see your name, *cough* Matt *cough* which kind of makes it pointless i'm typing all of this shit... but .... i guess i'm still going to go...

We climb back in the bus again and go to Lutherock which is Christian and everyone their reminds me of GRP which for some reason doesn't make me sad at all. Then we all fight over beds, and we change, or not... Star Wars was amazing. Matt just made fun of me using my dots, ... Only a few people have pointed out that I use them so much. For some reason I like using them on IM when I say goodbye. It's like the conversation isn't abruptly ending...


Star Wars was amazing and the bus was super fun, even though Mianus jokes were made the entire car ride their and back. "Theirs a tree growing in Mianus!" The movie was great... hehe... not like other people in our class would know. Wait did i say that? Yeah, though I almost fell asleep and Nate had to keep reminding me this was the meaning of my existence.

The ropes course sucked. It isn't even worth my usual rambling.

The bus back Michael took my seat looking utterly miserable. We had to have the same buses back because of certain people who other people don't like. So I snuggled on a back seat with Georgia and we talked about boys for about an hour. Then we sung grease. Then Molli bought Cosmo... and we read sex tips for awhile passing the magazine to all the guys around us. And i'm talking about someone behind their back to Georgia and i'm explaining to her, "It's cute when they come up to you and you're like aw, your slightly retarded." Which was hysterically funny and both of us couldn't stop laughing. Then I turned on Spoon and fell asleep curled up as small as I could. When I woke up we were getting close to home and me and Nate played Solitaire on my ipod. And we talked, which we do really well.

When we got back Aja had this super important thing to tell me, but then she ended up not telling me because we couldn't get away from people. Grace took us to her house before the dance and we showered and me and Molli had this amazing talk when no one else was around. Ha, then I wore my dress and Georgia did my eye makeup because I was to lazy and Nina called me really upset. Then I was all rattled and kept hoping she was okay.

The dance was amazingly fun. Does this make me sound completely ridiculous?

Everyone looked great, and the music was brilliant. And the boys, the Sam Nate, Colin, Ryan, crowd dedicated Photograph to the girls and Georgia and I freaked out. We all danced with each other, and no one except Molli cried but honestly I couldn't be bothered because it was my last dance like this ever. The mood was perfect and when Henry and I are trying to salsa to the Gorillaz we knew nothing could be better. Spencer got suspended! Yes! Neutral Milk Hotel! But Joe took my cell phone home which was really dumb of me. When Send Me on My Way comes on as the fourth year song all of us go crazy and dance in this huge circle and jump around and were all desperately sad its over. So, I have to call my cell to get Matt's number which honestly I still don't know, and Joe's all drugged out on Amp's and isn't paying attention at all.

Though Sam finally drags me in to the guys bathroom with Nate to show me his six pack that he swears only shows up in the right light. So they make sure no ones inside and Sam drags me inside to see his stomach. The six pack is there under the fluerecent lights... He was so proud it was really sweet.

In the car I sat and looked out the window while Jeramie and Dru were in the back. "I am so content right now," Dru says and we all nod and laugh, and smile and look out at the rain coming down against the dark trees lining the road.

At Graces, Georgia felt desperately sorry for herself and we all felt sorry for her because she was sad so we grouped together on the couch and watched South Park and Friends and ate chips until we physically couldn't eat anymore.

My mom picks me up and once I get home I can finally breath. I was done after two intense days of being whatever I am at school. It was so relaxing to surrender myself to being a kid for once. I think i've explored that this year, this idea of not having to always be better then everyone else. Because honestly i'm not.

I have a new Damien Rice song I listen to before bed. Volcano, has taken place over Delicate.

I'm in an amazing mood because the dance was so much fun, and fourth year trip is fresh in my mind, even though i'm half asleep. Matt calls and I throw on the closest shirt to me and turn on Weezer exceptionally loud. So when my parents knock on the door I don't hear them so I get a call from Matt telling me I locked my parents out of the house. hehe. Then we talk in my room for awhile and I definitely realize i'm the worse person out of us two. Basically we walked to Duke Gardens while he complained about how long the walk was which was stupid as its about a mile. Then we ate jelly beans and talked under this tree for a really long time before walking out of the park. The thing with Matt is i'm lying there complaining about everything that's going on and he pokes me and says, "Hey, its almost summer, then all of these problems go away, then its all over and you don't have to think about it anymore okay?" And he suddenly makes me feel better. That's the reason. He always makes things okay. So, with everything that was going on and seeing him again after a few weeks, just it didn't have the result that others were hoping for. And only one person knows what i'm talking about and I don't even think he reads my blog. It was nice just to talk to him for four hours, it wasn't unfamiliar it was just us sitting there talking about everything that came in to our heads. We spit off the side of the bridge and I attempted to do it in a manly way but failed. At home we kind of lay on the couch for awhile playing with my dog until my brother stole Matt away to play video games. Upstairs we played with my brothers which is nice because I hate kids and Matt doesn't.

It's really hard I never see him. That's already been a small problem. It's a huge flaw in my personality. So, i'm scared of what not seeing him will cause next....

I talked to Nate online though and we had a really good conversation where I was completely honest and I think i've figured it out.

"Woke up today, just called to say your bodies cold your going no where... your going no where..."

So I had these high powered days of extremes. The times when i'm being so happy, when were playing volleyball and Dru jumps on top of me and I pull her down in to the sand and were laughing hysterically and jumping around, and Nate comes up in this really cute way and asks something that sounds dumb and I laugh and am like "You can do better then that," And i'm so happy I could care less about what he says next but I remember it being really nice.

I've been so together this weekend, hanging out with Matt was a nice way to end the extreme line of socialness. Which now I realize isn't a word.

So, that was it. I'm about to proof check it on Word and then disappear in to my going to bed world. I was walking my dog today and I was thinking about Nina. She was acting so weird last night. As if suddenly Eliza was either talking through her, or as if she herself had completely gone. I'm not mad at her, she wasn't being annoying, or mean she just kept talking about all these ideas that she claims no one can understand and I wanted to shake her out of this script she's feeding me and tell her I understand perfectly. Because I do, shes talking about how she feels her mind changing and its amazing because I've felt that to. You feel when you grow up. I think we're taking different paths, were getting farther and farther away from each other even though were still on the same line, understand? For the first time ever I felt dumb for loving the OC with her, as if suddenly she was way to cool for it. I love Nina, just sometimes I worry shes not having fun, shes just living to get somewhere. I think shes realizing now time always goes at the same rate and you should appreciate where you are on that line now, before this time is gone. But I love her more than anyone in the world and no matter what she does... she'll ALWAYS be my favorite. And i will love her no matter what.

This is what I was thinking while walking my dog for a half an hour while some woman was playing an opera song that was heard throughout the neighborhood while she gardened.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005



So if you knew about my day you would understand why my nails are barely existent. I've spent the entire day chewing them, because i've been nervous and stressed out, and loud so to silence myself i stick my fingers in my mouth. So much for giving up biting my nails. The cuticles are ragged and i've started biting underneath the nail, ripping out the skin growing back. This is painful sure sometimes, but as i've attempted to explain its better then cutting myself, which could be my other choice of therapy. So yes, I spent all afternoon chewing my fingernails down to a quick, jumping around my room in an amazingly good mood and not doing the research paper due on Wednesday. Just one thing, everyone realizes i'm allowed to have fun right. Nothing in my life is serious, this is my problem. I'm terrified of anything that can't change, and i'm nieve enough to think that things I don't want to change wont. So i'm just trusting my instincts and i'm having the best time of my life.

I told Molli she was insane and she jumped on top of me during first period. It kind of interrupted class as we were in the middle of the classroom me saying "Kidding!Kidding!" as loud as i could as she kicked me way to hard in the shins. Sam was playing with my hair tie on my hand and kind of leaning on me so we got told by Adam mid sentence "Save the fondling for after class guys." Which prompted me to kind of jab Sam hard in the ribs. We got our learning center scores back. Which was nice because Adam definitely learned the way to stay on my good side and to keep me in a good mood is to praise me. Then during class I thought of this comparison of the Swift Boat Veterans adds to Fahrenheit 9-11 and it was the kind of discussions I had been missing in class. I love when you have a roll where you think of a connection and end up rolling with it and everyone is listening to you. Then someone perks up with an argument and you get to form a rebuttal in your mind. This is why I miss that one trimester of Debate last year. I feel like I was meant to argue with people.

And then Nate and I walk in to the fourth year meeting fifteen minutes late just as Renee is talking about responsibility on the trip and everyone glares at us and that's why Renee isn't exactly that happy with me. "We were studying spanish... sorry." I say and sit down and make sure I don't say another word the entire time.

Then Tuesday happened, and now were here. And my nails are still not there. And i've finished classes and i'm so tired I think I might sleep for awhile.

And spanish class is over, and so is dance, and I almost cried during fourth period because I couldn't believe this year was over.

So i'm still not going to talk about what's going on... its dumb... and everyone knows any ways.

The phone keeps ringing. I have no interest in answering.

Sunday, May 15, 2005


Don't worry, its way hard for me to forget about blogging. I'm always here in the end...

Three more days of classes. Again I marvel at how fast time is passing. I only have 41 minutes of juice on my computer battery. I didn't eat dinner because I wasn't hungry, but now my stomach kind of aches, though for some reason its kind of ached like that all afternoon. As if I was anticipating something that is going to happen, but I don't know what it is.

I've been in my room the entire weekend being in the best mood i've been in awhile. I just went downstairs and its pouring, lightening for one of the first times in a few months. I'm usually terrified of opening my blinds, but tonight's an exception.

I've listened to Spoon so much its continuously in my head.

I'm so off in my own world I don't even really feel like blogging. I'm sitting on my bed in anticipation of something, and I still don't know what it is. Nothing happened but i'm sitting here in the dark grinning like an idiot. Maybe it was the nice phone calls I had this weekend, or the IM conversations where suddenly people aren't scared to say what they're feeling. Maybe its that soccer's over and i'm to lazy to think about anything except my research paper anymore. I've had a lot of time in my room this weekend, and I learned a lot more about myself then I was expecting.

Ten minutes just went by as I wrote the last sentence. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Wednesday after third period Molli and Henry paid me the highest compliments. I mentioned this, my blog while Adam was getting ready to leave. Henry asked Adam if he had read it, Adam replied no. Suddenly Henry and Molli, who's sitting on the couch doodling in my graph paper notebook are gushing about my blog to Adam. I'm leaning against the table grinning and turning bright red. "You have to read it! Its Brilliant! Shes amazing, Adam you HAVE to read it." Adam looks at them then at me. "I'd like that Rebecca would you mind?" I shrugged. I couldn't stop my mom, I say. Molli writes down the address and tries to press it on Adam who gives her this look and says, Rebecca'll give it to me when she's ready. And he smiles at me and leaves.

I couldn't stop smiling through out my entire math test. So I'm going to give him the address on the last page of my research paper. As a little note, just in case he actually really does want to read it.

Molli's not talking to me because at the soccer game on Fri. Sam and Nate came over to the bench and I hung out with them.

It was actually a lot of fun because they were being really cool, and we were eating Joe's star bursts because he was giving them to us, and I was sticking the wrappers down Sam's shirt until he got mad, and Grace was talking about how Nate wasn't hot and i was disagreed completely. Then at the end of the game when we lost and Grace and I are the only ones not crying she turns to me and says, "I love how we don't have to feel guilty because we didn't play." I look at her, "Hells yeah." The bus ride home we spat sunflower seeds in Dave's lap and pestered him to tell us about the gossip. So everyone forgot about the shitty game really quickly.

Then that night Matt called me which was nice...

And the next morning I got online and only Nate was on and I got to tell him about my really weird dream which was fun because he was in it. And then I surrendered myself to the computer screen and spoon.

I think i'm ganna go


Now Carole Don’t Get Ahead Of Yourself
Don’t Say Nothing Right Now
I’ll Take It Anywhere You Let It Go

Everything Moving So Fast
It’ll Take You A Place Where You Can’t Get Back
And I’ve Seen It Enough
You Gotta Make Me Shut Up

So There’s Something To Look Forward To
Gimme Something To Look Forward To

Your Mistakes Your Merciless Eye
Your Chicago Manual Of Style
It Only’s Got To Go Just As Far As We Let It Go
So Carole Let Me Know

So Many Things We Could Say
So Many Things We Could Let Get Out
But You Stay In Instead
Some Things Are Best Left Unsaid

Gimme Something To Look Forward To

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


So, I spend to much time blogging...

Tuesday, it feels like Wednesday.

Lunch... Finally a day were only the small things are going wrong. ]

Its so hot in my room... so i'm only wearing my bra and pajama pants. I love it.

Third period.... we were watching fahrenheit 9-11. I was lying down on the couch because Sam R. had gotten up because of his phobia of being near me, or talking to me lately. We're only about half an hour in, if you've seen the movie it is talking about the Bush relationship with the Saudies. You understand that I am one of the most liberal people out there... and I salute Michael Moore in a lot of ways. Hes as very bright guy, Bowling for Columbine is brilliant, he's a very good person to make fun of too... (see Team America for the best example...) But god damn it, he takes people as fucking idiots and they eat it up. So I raise my hand and start to tell Adam about how insane his argument is, how untrustworthy, how ridiculous, how really in this situation the Bush family isn't doing anything wrong. And yes its a business deal and they have the right to that and how the first half of this movie is completely pointless.... and Robinson tells me to stop being a Smart Ass but i don't stop. Surprisingly enough everyone supported my argument and later Maxine tells me later I was making a very good point and it was really great to hear. The day got that much better. When do I ever get to rampage on about my ideas and people actually listen all the way through?

Fourth period.... brilliant, as always. Most on the mathlete sheet... but alas i kind of did copy some of Dru's. For once Michael didn't get the best, he got six while I got eight. haha Rock. Oh and I was drafted to explain to the entire class how to do long division which was great fun. Except later David gave me a problem to practice with for the test tomorrow and I couldn't do it. Which is highly embarrassing and which also means I should be studying right now...

Lunch... it was pie a fourth year day. Which means the other students could get water balloons or whipped cream pies and throw them at the willing fourth years. I wasn't going to join in until Georgia said she was. Ah, i'm a conformist, shoot me. And then I was avoiding getting wet until I sneak up to Margolis (like how i'm using last names for the Nates and Sams) and he takes the whipped cream in his hand and spreads it all over my face.. and hair. Meaning I have half an inch thick of whipped cream in my ear. Before long i'm completely pied, Hannah did quite an amazing job of getting me. I'm still in my tank top and jeans though, I don't have a change of clothes and i'm soaking wet. Schopler picks me up and spins me around a little... meaning I have cream everywhere. I challenge Jim R. to a small water fight duel and end up crushing one over his head. Michael throws cream all over my back. Henry gets it in my hair. Schopler takes the recycling bin full of water and dumps it on Ryans head. Takes the other one and dumps it on Molli. I'm completely covered in water/cream paste and my hair is starting to stick in the same place. Georgia and I run to a hose and try to get all of it out of our hair. Robinson is wearing joe's trench coat and nothing underneath. Joe wore his pink shirt... Margolis is letting me eat some of the unused whipped cream. And Vernon is kind of holding back. I'm sopping wet but their is no need to change.

Advisee time... were fixing up millers bluff. A sitting area looking out on the baseball field. We have to ply up the old wood and after Randy is failing I grab the hammer myself and tell him "This is how its done..." So, I'm plying up these wood panels for forty five minutes. Spencer is talking to me, telling me a story about something or other, I'm reaching for hammers and Randy is making fun of my awesome skills. I got really in to it too. I realized I have to use tools more often, ply things up, pull out nails, hammer. Its quite rewarding.

Seventh Period... I'm yelling at Philip because after I told Joe i keep his secrets Philip says, "Oh really you? I don't believe it." I told Philip I actually hadn't had a conversation with him since fifth grade and i've changed a lot. I'm comparing stomachs with Joe, and Dylan is talking to us about something. We all kind of sat on pillows until Rachel comes in and gives us life savers. Then I'm talking about the OC in great detail when were talking about Rape and I'm explaining it then I pause and say "Well it's only a TV show." Dylan laughs "Well," I say, "Not for..."
"You" Dylan finishes. I unzip the bright red zipper on the side of his plaid pants.
"Well not for me. Oh.. My God... so then..." Joe also ate my gum... which made me laugh really really hard until Rachel got mad and Joe told me she was going to eat us and that set me off again... until he did his creepy snake like thing and I had to turn the other way to avoid it and suddenly everything that wasn't funny in the first place wasn't funny at all.

Soccer Practice.... Were practicing penalty kicks and I'm being loud and hyper and talking non stop to grace and anna ruth and kirsten. I'm explaining to Grace about how much I love the shape of her boobs "their so round!"
"Apposed to what? Triangle?" Which made me laugh hard and kind of skip off out of the line and mess up every PK i attempted to do. Then i'm explaining about how I was talking in third period, and about Grace and Ben. Then Grace tells some story and then Anna Ruth and i'm out of line and dancing around...and were goofing around and Hot Hot Heat is in my head so all I have is this one line playing over and over "....You owe me and IOU She was in the habit of taking things for granted..." Then I fail my PK again and again and laugh, and trip over the ball, and talk about that one time when.... Then I shut up for awhile and poke fun of Grace. But, I have tons of shit in my hair still so i'm attempting to get it out. Suddenly i remember the next line of that song so I sing that one in my head for awhile instead.

Monday, May 09, 2005


I kind of just suddenly had this weird feeling that a chapter in my life closed.

Let me explain

I just turned on Wonderwall so maybe Ryan Adams just does that to me. Suddenly everything seems fits in to place perfectly, and you know what the other person is thinking. And once you know, some of the fun is gone. Suddenly life makes way to much sense, and this whole situation is over. Not the whole chapter, only a small bit of it, of this year, of this feeling, has closed. Dead end... in a way I wasn't quite expecting.

A part of me still likes the Oasis version more.

When Matt came over for passover I was playing him both versions and we accidentally left it on when we went to ninth street. Now, both are the most played on my computer.

Isn't it interesting how much easier it is to tell people what you think when you can't see them react. Your conscious gets the better of you and that's how i get in to all the trouble i do. I think the worst part about that is the next day, the awkward do you confront the problem or what stays on the web stays on the web. Which reminds me of the OC which makes me feel terribly sad and desperate.

Everyone who reads this knows that i've sunken low enough in to obsessing that its terribly hard not to talk about it every second. Did any of you see last weeks? I was watching with my dad and he enjoyed the special effects of the car rolling over so much he watched it again... and again... and again.

Its hard when you know someone doesn't need you anymore, or when you don't need them, that's even scarier...

I think i'm going to turn on Jewel and slowly reminisce about my life in a way that only 90's pop can help me do. What a nice feeling it is when you finally give up on doing homework and doing all the things that are due... and settle to the fact that its to late and if your going to fail life it might as well be some time when it really doesn't matter THAT much.

Maybe i'll play my James. Man do i love the James.

About a half hour ago my dad walked in to my room and switches the light on and tells me I can't work in the dark. Why not? I ask and complain that I love it when its dark. He tells me that I can't because i'm not depressed and if I keep it off he's going to think i'm doing drugs. I complain some more and he tells me that when i've been dumped and am wallowing in self pity I can sit with my lights off. I tell him that i'm very happy, but the lights off calm me down. He stops looking for what he's looking for in the bathroom, which is where he led me. He turns to me and says "You're not a bat, keep the light on" Actually I can't complain about anything my dad does now, or ever actually. Because, yesterday I come up to him very innocent and mention Austin City Limits and the amazing lineup for this September. I ask, timidly if I can go and my dad asks when it is. I tell him and mention Steve Earl is going to be there, along with Lucinda William's. Suddenly his enthusiasm has grown, and tells me he'll take me. He says he'll take me to Austin! Hehe... maybe because he was kind of rattled by his insane sister this weekend. He desperately wanted me to talk about it on my blog. He comes home, and my mom tells me she wishes I could have gone instead of Sasha because I would have handled the situation better. My dad tells me he wishes I had gone because it would have made a brilliant blog entry. He tried to remember word for word but gave up, sighing, if only you were there. My dad just walked in my room and asked me who was singing. "Jewel" I say. He asks me how the report is coming. I don't bother to correct him. "Fine" He sighs and says "Oh yeah Jewel... He asks me if i'm alight. He's concerned which surprises me as I think i'm fine. Stressed out of my mind but fine. Last night he came home and we spent two hours in my room talking. I reenacted scenes from Laramie and talked about visiting DSA. We just talked and then he showed me a film he found at milk and cookies( the negro astronaut's... God Damn, Space is a Cold Motherfucker). After DSA on Friday nina slept over and I went upstairs when I came home to say hi to my parents. When we go downstairs to watch OC nina says "Your guys' relationship is so weird, you're like their best friend." So yeah.. that's a little odd I think. Well it has some perks, like your mom taking you to Guglehaugh to have Chia lattes. I love my daddy, and you know what, I actually made him follow through and today we bought tickets. I'm going to a fucking music festival! A large one with all of my favorite bands basically. Including Spoon... and Death Cab... and Oasis...and Coldply... and The Bravery...and YAY! Can't wait until September....

So I am not allowed to be mean to my dad for a very long time.

My mom wont let me go with Aja to get her belly button pierced... not like i'm getting it done. Well I guess Aja will be on her own....

So, I went to DSA on Friday. I thought I was going to come back completely rejuvenated with CFS, excited that I went to such a special school. Hm, that didn't quite happen. I loved it. I loved the people, and the large classes and the older, louder kids walking around. I was so impressed by the length that we had to walk to the next class, the way the class actually paid attention because if they didn't bad things would happen. Matt was really nice about introducing me to people. First period was math... huh I kind of had to answer a few of the problems for him. Second was Health where Duke students were teaching about Rape and physical abuse. The first thing they ask... is ... anyone watch the OC last night? I attempt to restrain myself from talking. Whenever drunkenness is mentioned Matt gives me this look and I can't stop smiling. I'm not going to go through the rest of the day. I ran in to Nina and she embraced me in a hug and we are talking again. Matt asked us if we even remembered what we were fighting about. Both of us look up at him... "Yes, we remember." Oh, Matt says, that's where girls are different from guys. Ask me about it, i'll gladly tell you in great detail about how every single girl who met me and was told I was Matt's girlfriend turn to him and say "You're cheating on me!" I don't care.. it just gets slightly repetitive. We were walking to a class and I was asking him about how much he flirts. "Hugs, and stuff," He says. "you're lying," I say, feeling guilty already. And any ways I do think he's lying, i'm more physical with him then any other guy but Matt's always been the guy who put his hand around me... way before we were going out. "I'm not" he says. I still don't really believe him but I say, "Well I don't believe you because i'm worse then that so..." Okay so i'm not that bad... but I have a few stories. Ryan is in all of Matts classes after fourth period and suddenly i'm hanging out with these two boys who are yelling Mamma jokes at each other across the room. And damn, I was completely enjoying myself. I can't really explain them as a unit, you have to experience it first hand. Its worse the me and Nina if you can believe it. After school Satisfactions happened as usual and I had a small mental breakdown to match Ninas and Matts. Blaz believe it or not was picking up on my Social cues extremely well and would keep hinting at Matt who would then feel bad and attempt to make it up. I was very proud of Blaz though and salute him in his excellent cue taking. Then, we got dragged to play Soccer. Nina and I were talking and the guys are herding us on to the field. "Damn feminism, I hate how we have to play just to show that girls can play when actually..." "We would rather sit here and talk" "Exactly"

Though later we went to fowlers to get coffee and left the boys. Then, the afternoon led to me making a quote that I think I will be quoted on forever, being yelled at by nina and cops. Running across the road, terrified, telling Ryan when Georgia would come, talking about the insanity of the human race, hanging out with Matt and his friends, talking about gay pirates and donuts, being replaced by a gay pirate, replacing Matt with the I love donut man, yelling for a guy from fencing who wasn't actually there, and finally actually going inside to watch Laramie.

It was amazing

I don't want to talk about it on here... way to much to say and you wont get the full effect. Except I got the weird shivers I always get with extreme emotion and spent the entire second intermission attempting to have Matt keep me warm. I cried, not real tears just.. as much crying as you can do at a high school play.

I get an interesting email today from Michael... I had asked him how he was doing and he says after telling me he's fine "let's just say I have family issues above anything you'd understand."

Oh really... i think i've learned this weekend that every family is completely entirely fucked up. Mines not special. I replied telling him that i bet i would understand and he shouldn't assume I wouldn't because he knows nothing about my family situation. Henry told me that the reason people get along with me is that i'm nice to everyone. Then Henry pauses. Everyone except Michael actually, which is kind of ironic. Now i feel terrible, and am trying to be as nice as I can.

Today was amazingly brilliant. The sky was gorgeous and we watched movies in three different classes.

Joe and Maxine are going out and Nate and Sam corner me in Leons room asking me for details. Sam did save a spot for me on the couch during third period because we were watching fahrenheight 9-11. So I got the prime spot on the couch, though Sam R. seemed reluctant to sitting next to me. First period we watched this movie about frogs. More like frogs reproducing in Australia, and how these frogs have sex a lot, and you can get high off thier poison and its really bad, and nothing eats them and there are hundreds of thousands of these frogs walking around Australia. It is the most fucking odd movie I have ever seen. It was so completely surreal. I kept on turning to Molli and writing on her notebook... What the fuck?!? It was amazing. I want to find out everything about it.... write a documentary on the making of this insane movie. Writing about Star Wars makes me want to direct so bad... but I wont talk about that now....Dance class wasn't even that bad and Nate and I got out of it early any ways. I was deathly loud during fourth period and bounced around the school during Lunch. I made Nate sit outside with me to do spanish and I made fun of him because he couldn't tell the difference between a cobweb and a spider web. I found my glasses again, the ones I stole, the plastic ones, and wore them the entire six period. Inside I was exceptionally loud and gathered a small group of girls around me as I was talking about some dumb story. But I quieted down quickly. Slipped the glasses off the top of my head and on to my face. Stared down at them and started reading in Spanish. When I went up to the Library I walked in with my glasses and Mig and Tim both look at me, "Where did you get those?!?" They laugh. Around, I say and head towards the water fountain. It's been a good month.

Sunday, May 08, 2005




I can't wait! the geek deep inside me bursting to come out....

Saturday, May 07, 2005


LookHerald Sun article about the play/protesters last night... Nina's quoted and sounds... she's here right now telling me I can't say anything about her quote. The play was great and the group I was with was there from the minute the protesteres arrived.

I bought a pin thats purple and says "hate is not a family value"

The protesters were outnumbered by the ones accross the street who were holding peices of paper that had on it "Gay? Fine by me." Gay DSA students dressed up as pirates and handed out flyers.

A man held a huge box of donuts that read "Love donuts" and was handing them out to all the kids on the counterprotesting side of the street.

More later

Thursday, May 05, 2005


Spencer: Yeah that really sucked, sucked hard, (pause) like a Russian Whore

Wednesday, May 04, 2005


Nine more days of class and counting...

I should be replying to two important e-mails right now or doing homework but instead I spent the last hour listening to potential ringtones on my computer. Actually last hour and a half. I didn't know I had the attention span to do something like that for so long. I downloaded the new Weezer CD. Yes, the one that doesn't come out until a week from yesterday. Some songs are as good as the old Weezer. Its actually really, really great and its nice to listen to something you haven't exhausted yet, knowing you are going to love it.

Today I found myself get home and mindlessly play with my nails while listening to Weezer, sitting in my desk chair and thinking before looking up and realizing I hadn't moved for the last fifteen minutes. I was actually in a really good mood today, but later everyone was giving off this vibe as if suddenly they had all talked behind my back and decided they didn't like me anymore. Matt called me later at home to ask if i'm coming to school with him on Friday and when I said yes of course! I can't wait! He says "Good because i've been telling everyone i've seen your coming." Which was cute but I had this urge to ask him "Wait, you still like me right?" Not because I didn't think so, no, just because him assuring me would make me feel as if the world suddenly didn't start plotting against me after all. Sometimes I do feel like I live two lives. I didn't ask though, because not only does it make me sound self centered when he was being completely nice and not doing anything wrong. But also because that would be weird... and it didn't matter so I didn't.

I've been accusing my mom of things lately, whenever I bring up something she turns to me, squints her eyes and says in a predictable voice. "No, that's so weird? Why would you ask that, I mean that's just weird. That's just weird." It is the most annoying thing that she's does. "No,mom" I say, "It's actually not that weird." Because what i'm asking is never weird she just pretends it is even though I know she knows its not. I asked her why her and dad were attracted to each other and she replied "What? Why are you asking me that? That's such a weird question?" Um mom actually its not.

Track 3 This is Such a Pity is probably my favorite. It sounds a little like the Killers I think.

Rivers is insane, I want him.

What used to be irregular at school has turned in to the regular. We hang out with the same people each day but they aren't the same people we started the year off with. People walk down the halls willing themselves to go to the next class. I've gotten to lazy to care, and I think most of the school agrees with me. We're all just to tired, to worried, to fucked to think anymore.

I spent half an hour walking around with Nate today before sixth period. We ended up sitting on the radiators and talking about random things as always. As Anna Ruth told me about a month ago, its nice to see you guys as friends and actually friends instead of flirting all the time. I was proud when she told me this and thanked her for noticing. Any ways he doesn't like me anymore and I don't like him so its all going well...

I think I sunburned my nose. About a day ago I decided I hate people again (this is happening more and more frequently i think.) No one reason had brought this on, only the added up annoyances of the kids around me. I love people but by the end of the year even the ones I love the most are doing small things that drive me insane. They can't help it, they aren't doing anything wrong really in theory. Just a certain eye roll by someone, or the way someone takes notes. This is why I will grow up alone, after I get to know people something about them drives me insane. When I bring up this very abrupt and obvious problem they tell me that when I love someone enough their annoyances wont matter. They being adults in general who try to preach to me about my problems. Instead I like to sigh dramatically and exclaim that i'll find something wrong with them in the end! just so I can be right and walk away feeling sorry for myself.

About a week ago late at night my internet wasn't working so I was sitting on our hall floor with my computer. No one was being interesting and I didn't really want to do my math homework so I got out a frozen milkshake from cookout and heated it up so it was smooth. About a minute later my dad came down and did the same thing. He sat on the steps and me on the floor both of us eating spoonful after spoonful. After about three minutes I look up and say, "We feel so sorry for ourselves don't we."
"Yeah, we really do."

I think i'm over hating people...

Yesterday I stayed after school to watch the dress rehearsal of the high school play. It was after a soccer game that ended at six and the play started at seven thirty. Nate and Sam S. were around so I shot some baskets with them while they made endless fun of my lack of skills. We went inside the school to get scissors so i could cut off a portion of Sam's hair that was bothering me. I have Outkast stuck in my head. The whole school, which is really only a main room with other rooms coming out of it, is completely dark. No one is around and we head towards the staff room. I like places that usually are filled with people when they are completely still. They feel more special that way. Sam says what i'm thinking. "We could totally make out now." Yep, I say. Then at the same time we both say, "If only you were someone else."

Were kidding, kind of, were not that mean, but its true.

I ate dinner while we talked. An hour later I went in to get a seat for the play. Out of the twenty people only three were kids. We sat staggered in the front row. While we waited we made paper crane after paper crane.....

Monday, May 02, 2005


Wellspring ... Sunday night around five o'clock. A Father with his daughter are waiting in line with two cans of salsa and chips. Usually the pair is mistaken for a divorced dad and his daughter that hes taking care of for the weekend. Today is different. Dad is wearing a life is good t-shirt.

Tall necked man behind counter : Is life good?
Dad: What?
TNMBC: Is life good?
Dad: Yes! Yes! life is good, would i be wearing this shirt if it wasnt?
TNMBC: I don't know...
Long pause
TNMBC: If I asked you if you lied would I be able to believe your answer?
Dad: But the shirt never lies, only the man can do that.
TNMBC: That could be true but we don't really know
Dad: Hm I guess
TNMBC : Very true

The minute we get outside to the car I can't stop laughing.