Thursday, May 26, 2005

Divide

Oh... look at the pictures I added... more coming....

I went to bed at 8:30 last night. I didn't want to watch American Idol so I head in to my room and turn my speakers on shuffle. Yeah, i'm lying there in a jeans and t-shirt curled up in a tiny ball with the clicker in my hand, and i'm skipping songs and only listening to the slow ones. I think I finally fell asleep to Time of Your Life and once Hot Hot Heat comes on and wakes me up I realize I have to turn it off and go to bed. What is wrong with me?

Ugh, Counting Crows just came on shuffle. I hate REM, I hate U2, and I hate Counting Crows since my mom started to like them. I feel like its yesterday. Ah I am so not in the mood to be profound. No one has updated their blogs. I swear, I am such a loser. How much lack of life so I have that I spend thursday night curled up in front of my computer typing out stuff no one actually reads anymore. Yeah, I think maybe three people read this thing, and one of them is my mom. Mom's don't count. I hate Postal Service too. I know that's like Indie suicide to say that, but I love Death Cab, and hate just hate Postal Service. I like Tom Waits though, and Dylan.

We were at maple view farms today to learn how they make ice cream. Leon got kind of mad because I was making fun of Eric and stroking his arm, and Margolis was poking Sarah and Sarah was poking me and Leon wanted us to ask questions but honestly what about? We were watching a machine, and an old lady stood their and none of us had anything to fucking say. They had a Boom Box though and Copperhead road is playing which makes me yell loudly, "I LOVE STEVE EARL!" which put me in a good mood for about ten minutes. I miss my dad. Dammit...

Matt wont talk to me online. What the fuck is up with that? So, I guess I won't talk to him again until he talks to me, i've had to initiate talking the last two times.

Is that my dad? Is he home? HELL YEAH! oh no, which means he's going to try to recruit me to watch Solaris with him. So, this movie, Solaris, have I mentioned it? It's one of my dads obsessions. He's watched it a total of six times, and watched the commentary once or twice. Something is purring in my room. I found a tick on me yesterday and one on my computer when I came home from school today. I've been in such a weird mood I didn't even care. Solaris is this science fiction movie from 1971 that I think is probably the most boring movie ever. I can understand why its beautiful, I can understand the art, I can understand why its a masterpiece but when a scene goes on for fifteen minutes when he's just driving through the futuristic society that doesn't look futuristic cause its obviously just Tokyo in 1971. all right, actually it wasn't that bad but for some reason i'm really angry and Solaris is a nice place to let out all my anger. My dad didn't get that when we sat down to watch the movie. He should have understood that no matter if it was amazing I was going to hate it because he wanted me to like it so much. Understand? So yes this is the outlet i'm letting out my anger on, this dumb movie. I hate it. I hate it. I fucking hate it so much. It makes me really upset because i'm sending all my feelings in to hating it, so I don't want to watch it. My dad read my blog in the airport on his cell phone. He was stuck their for five hours. He started quoting an entry he liked and I paused and said, "You can compliment it, and tell me what you like, but you can't read out an entry where I mention you because your my dad." Then I went in to my room, turned out the lights, and shut the door. What's wrong with me?

I'm being mean to my mom. Really mean, and I know it, I don't mean to say things in a mean cynical tone but its like the movie, I'm not mad at her. I'm just upset and she's their and its like she's the only person I can get mad at who'll still love me after I do. Because right now i have a huge list of people I want to get mad at, but can't. I so do not want to listen to Beulah right now. Do you see that somethings wrong? So, I come downstairs yesterday because I want to make toffee for dinner and my mom asks me about the recipe and i snap at her and throw on a sweatshirt and start melting butter. Then I snap at her again, and then she's upset and I feel bad but for some reason I can't say sorry because I know it will sound mean. I hate my hair. So, i'm melting butter and sugar and i'm not talking, and i'm close to crying and I have no idea why and so i stir and stir and hope that she realizes whams wrong. Of course she doesn't. I don't blame her, of course she doesn't know.

I got the white stripes CD.

I know why i'm upset.

Of course I know why i'm upset, I always know why i'm upset. Do you guys want to hear about it? Well I really like Hollaback girl, and I bought Fit But You Know it, by the streets which Nate M. and I listened to about twenty times today during cooking. Agh, bus ride! Everyone knows the chorus just because of that. So I added a few lines to my info, along with Jewel because she's making me feel how James used to make me feel which is incredibly sad, but also joyful at the same time which is reason to put anyone on your profile.

Okay, were going to skip Weezer.

I was a bitch to Nina too. God dammit. Tomorrow I guess were going to talk, I mentioned Matt and I and at first she wanted to be supportive but I think both of us knew she couldn't help. Then when I told Georgia Nate happened to be their so she starts talking about Nate, and I don't want anyone talking to me about Nate I just want someone to make it all okay really fast. My dad kind of helped and seriously am terrified of relationships and commitment and I panicked so I got upset because people in school got mad and it turned in to a mess. So, Matt and I didn't break up because I liked Nate more. It had nothing to do with Nate, honestly nothing at all. So now, Nates asking me if were going to go out next year, and he's asking me if i'm going to hook up with Matt at fencing camp, and people are asking if I'm going out with Nate, and if i'm okay, and if I miss Matt and if i'm upset, and are we getting back together, and telling me I should go out with Nate and telling me i'm taking Matt for granted, and Nate's amazingly hot and I'm taking him for granted, and I don't deserve guys liking me, and i'm not that great any ways and what is going to happen next? I just want everyone to stop.

So this is my answer to all of those questions: I have no idea

We visited Georgia on Tuesday. Me, Molli and Nate. Nate and I watched her lesson before we got bored and walked around outside for awhile until it started to pour and we ran in to the woods because it was a touch more dry. Were sopping wet and Nate's shivering and I keep laughing at how cold he is because he's shaking and he has no fat on him and its really cute. So we stood in the woods for awhile and talked, and made fun of the riders then we run out to Molli's mom's car and were completely soaked, and then we can't find Georgia's house so Nate and I are in the back seat attempting to be quiet and having a really good time, before we pour over an Ellegirl and I point out all the hot boys and why they're so great, and I try to explain why I love Topher Grace. Then were both shivering and Molli's passing us chocolate chips and were laughing at everything. Georgia was fine, she looked tired but I think she loved seeing us. We sat on her bed and talked about stupid things for awhile. While we were on her bed I was really tired and kept almost falling asleep while she was telling us the very exciting story about her surgery. Then, I told her nothing interesting was happening at school, and then I kind of lay their while Nate looked super awkward and we got on the subject of Sam and Nate and I buried my face deep in her pillow and was like, "I am so not worth guys fighting over me." And Nate goes, "yeah you are," And I laughed in to Georgia's pillow and was like uh really not but thanks. So that made my day, and probably my week. So I was really nice to Nate after that. Then the ride home was great as I was trying to explain about seeing the bear near Eno River. Which is a whole other story and i'm explaining and laughing really hard. Molli and Nate don't get it but they think its hilarious i'm attempting to explain. So that was the best afternoon this week.

Every single one i'm serious. I have no idea. I'm not going to go out with Nate anytime soon, I know that. For sure. Honestly, Matt wanted to get back together Tuesday night and part of me wishes I had said somethin besides remaining silent. Because the moments passed, and he sure as hell has gotten over it. I on the other hand walked myself in to a trap. You know why I don't let myself like people? Because of this.

Jewel just came on....

Yeah, because however stupid it sounds however much your going to make fun of me. I did exactly what i was trying to avoid. "I've been down so long..." It's no ones fault except my own. Yeah, I was upset because of a boy. Something i've been trying to avoid for four years. That's not the only thing i'm upset about. I'm mad at certain people because of small things, i'm mad because they don't get anything. I'm upset about the year ending, i'm upset about leaving my friends, I mean i'm really happy too in tons of ways. But i'm blaming my anger on the Matt situation. Then it has a nice reason you know, its not just me being moody. I've always been told that you don't tell someone how you really feel. Or maybe not told, just idk your supposed to just hint at it right? You always have to keep that hidden. Whatever, fuck that. You guys can all find out whams going through my head right now. Every single time I get online and Matt's been on, and he's not talking to me and i'm not on his info, and I miss the way it used to be, and no ones called my cell phone in awhile. So, also because i'm so mad at myself for caring about this. I'm not letting myself be upset about something that basically is my doing.. I don't want to be upset so i'm pretending i'm completely fine. So instead I freak out at my mom . I just kind of think i'm to young to actually care about things like this. I shouldn't care, or I shouldn't care this much. Again, I don't know what I want but I don't want this. Because whatever it is it didn't make me feel any fucking better. I miss Matt... Whatever...i miss someone who was their and suddenly he's not and it's the hardest thing to adjust to. Ugh and then I talked to him online today after we didn't talk for two hours even though both of us were online...and then I got on again and I was like hey! i'll tell Matt about fencing camp which I was reading about. And then he was tired or whatever and I felt like the only one talking and I felt clingy and as if he was hinting to me to get over it already, because it's not that big a deal, and he doesn't really want to talk to me right now any ways. So, then Joe got online and he made me feel better. Except not. Because I fucking care so much. I hate it, I hate how I know soon enough it'll actually be gone completely and we wont talk after summer and i'll lose one of the few people I can really talk to... and then I reread that last sentence and think i'm over reacting and being stupid and I hate it and probably will delete it in a few minutes after I reread it several times and realize that I sound dumb and like the exact thing i've been trying to avoid.

Ugh Did I actually just say all that stuff. Dammit, I hate how its true.

"whatchya ganna do katie...."

Okay, have i talked about you enough now Matt? haha... i told you i'd write more....

But, In the Kitchen has been great. Man, we made some good pretzels today. Sarah Merrit and I have bonded and i've sat with Margolis for hours on the benches talking about really unimportant stuff. No one is at school so we have free reign, which means we don't move and sit their for hours poking each other. Yesterday we were all lying down in Leon's room. Me, Margolis, Sadie, Molli (Nate's sister), Eric (My new Favorite person, who I kept telling randomly, Eric I am so attracted to you its so weird.), and Sarah. I was so comfortable because we all were just randomly talking about the cold, and heat, and leaning on each other and talking about who was who's bitch. Everything someone would say I would look at them and pause and say "Your mom," which I also did today while making pretzels and cookies. Sarah keeps saying, "Buddy," and "Oh My gosh" In this really funny way, and I keep telling Margolis, "Do it! Do it! Do it!" Which only us know what i'm talking about. Then were lying in Nancy's room today and Eric is my hero. And I have an entire couch to myself and Margolis and I are rapping out to Fit but you know it... "Don't touch me, Don't touch me" Eric and Margolis are talking about whisks as loudly as they can and me and Sarah are cracking up but pretending not to think its funny. But we get caught having more then three people on the couch in the center so none of us are allowed the rest of the day. Later though we come back from Maple View and we all jump on the couch, then I realize we have more then three people and none of us are allowed and Renee and Ida are both walking out of the staff room so I jump up really quickly and say "Oh Shit." Really loudly and then Ida and Renee flip out. I have no idea what they are talking about then I realize, and pretend its not me but then I have to fess up and apologize but they start half yelling at me, so I drag Sarah to come run away with me. That wasn't to brilliant. At least at Maple View farm when Leon asked someone to divide 900 by 7 in their head I did it first, it happens to be about 128. The weird boy I had the connection with was their again and Sarah desperately wanted to talk to him but instead I refused and sat on the ledge bumming off other peoples ice cream. Even remembering this makes me in a good mood. I've been having a good time. Third Eye Blind on shuffle... I love 90's pop.

Maybe i'll disappear in to myself for awhile.

I think i've been needing that lately

Maybe I've realized that the only thing that makes me feel better is writing a huge ass blog entry about everything that's wrong. For some reason I can breath again. Now i'm really happy... I think I might shower.

1 Comments:

Blogger JJ said...

damn RB that was soooo freaking long!!!! make them like 1/4 of the size and then i'll do an insightful comment haha luv ya tho!!

3:07 PM  

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