Monday, May 09, 2005


I kind of just suddenly had this weird feeling that a chapter in my life closed.

Let me explain

I just turned on Wonderwall so maybe Ryan Adams just does that to me. Suddenly everything seems fits in to place perfectly, and you know what the other person is thinking. And once you know, some of the fun is gone. Suddenly life makes way to much sense, and this whole situation is over. Not the whole chapter, only a small bit of it, of this year, of this feeling, has closed. Dead end... in a way I wasn't quite expecting.

A part of me still likes the Oasis version more.

When Matt came over for passover I was playing him both versions and we accidentally left it on when we went to ninth street. Now, both are the most played on my computer.

Isn't it interesting how much easier it is to tell people what you think when you can't see them react. Your conscious gets the better of you and that's how i get in to all the trouble i do. I think the worst part about that is the next day, the awkward do you confront the problem or what stays on the web stays on the web. Which reminds me of the OC which makes me feel terribly sad and desperate.

Everyone who reads this knows that i've sunken low enough in to obsessing that its terribly hard not to talk about it every second. Did any of you see last weeks? I was watching with my dad and he enjoyed the special effects of the car rolling over so much he watched it again... and again... and again.

Its hard when you know someone doesn't need you anymore, or when you don't need them, that's even scarier...

I think i'm going to turn on Jewel and slowly reminisce about my life in a way that only 90's pop can help me do. What a nice feeling it is when you finally give up on doing homework and doing all the things that are due... and settle to the fact that its to late and if your going to fail life it might as well be some time when it really doesn't matter THAT much.

Maybe i'll play my James. Man do i love the James.

About a half hour ago my dad walked in to my room and switches the light on and tells me I can't work in the dark. Why not? I ask and complain that I love it when its dark. He tells me that I can't because i'm not depressed and if I keep it off he's going to think i'm doing drugs. I complain some more and he tells me that when i've been dumped and am wallowing in self pity I can sit with my lights off. I tell him that i'm very happy, but the lights off calm me down. He stops looking for what he's looking for in the bathroom, which is where he led me. He turns to me and says "You're not a bat, keep the light on" Actually I can't complain about anything my dad does now, or ever actually. Because, yesterday I come up to him very innocent and mention Austin City Limits and the amazing lineup for this September. I ask, timidly if I can go and my dad asks when it is. I tell him and mention Steve Earl is going to be there, along with Lucinda William's. Suddenly his enthusiasm has grown, and tells me he'll take me. He says he'll take me to Austin! Hehe... maybe because he was kind of rattled by his insane sister this weekend. He desperately wanted me to talk about it on my blog. He comes home, and my mom tells me she wishes I could have gone instead of Sasha because I would have handled the situation better. My dad tells me he wishes I had gone because it would have made a brilliant blog entry. He tried to remember word for word but gave up, sighing, if only you were there. My dad just walked in my room and asked me who was singing. "Jewel" I say. He asks me how the report is coming. I don't bother to correct him. "Fine" He sighs and says "Oh yeah Jewel... He asks me if i'm alight. He's concerned which surprises me as I think i'm fine. Stressed out of my mind but fine. Last night he came home and we spent two hours in my room talking. I reenacted scenes from Laramie and talked about visiting DSA. We just talked and then he showed me a film he found at milk and cookies( the negro astronaut's... God Damn, Space is a Cold Motherfucker). After DSA on Friday nina slept over and I went upstairs when I came home to say hi to my parents. When we go downstairs to watch OC nina says "Your guys' relationship is so weird, you're like their best friend." So yeah.. that's a little odd I think. Well it has some perks, like your mom taking you to Guglehaugh to have Chia lattes. I love my daddy, and you know what, I actually made him follow through and today we bought tickets. I'm going to a fucking music festival! A large one with all of my favorite bands basically. Including Spoon... and Death Cab... and Oasis...and Coldply... and The Bravery...and YAY! Can't wait until September....

So I am not allowed to be mean to my dad for a very long time.

My mom wont let me go with Aja to get her belly button pierced... not like i'm getting it done. Well I guess Aja will be on her own....

So, I went to DSA on Friday. I thought I was going to come back completely rejuvenated with CFS, excited that I went to such a special school. Hm, that didn't quite happen. I loved it. I loved the people, and the large classes and the older, louder kids walking around. I was so impressed by the length that we had to walk to the next class, the way the class actually paid attention because if they didn't bad things would happen. Matt was really nice about introducing me to people. First period was math... huh I kind of had to answer a few of the problems for him. Second was Health where Duke students were teaching about Rape and physical abuse. The first thing they ask... is ... anyone watch the OC last night? I attempt to restrain myself from talking. Whenever drunkenness is mentioned Matt gives me this look and I can't stop smiling. I'm not going to go through the rest of the day. I ran in to Nina and she embraced me in a hug and we are talking again. Matt asked us if we even remembered what we were fighting about. Both of us look up at him... "Yes, we remember." Oh, Matt says, that's where girls are different from guys. Ask me about it, i'll gladly tell you in great detail about how every single girl who met me and was told I was Matt's girlfriend turn to him and say "You're cheating on me!" I don't care.. it just gets slightly repetitive. We were walking to a class and I was asking him about how much he flirts. "Hugs, and stuff," He says. "you're lying," I say, feeling guilty already. And any ways I do think he's lying, i'm more physical with him then any other guy but Matt's always been the guy who put his hand around me... way before we were going out. "I'm not" he says. I still don't really believe him but I say, "Well I don't believe you because i'm worse then that so..." Okay so i'm not that bad... but I have a few stories. Ryan is in all of Matts classes after fourth period and suddenly i'm hanging out with these two boys who are yelling Mamma jokes at each other across the room. And damn, I was completely enjoying myself. I can't really explain them as a unit, you have to experience it first hand. Its worse the me and Nina if you can believe it. After school Satisfactions happened as usual and I had a small mental breakdown to match Ninas and Matts. Blaz believe it or not was picking up on my Social cues extremely well and would keep hinting at Matt who would then feel bad and attempt to make it up. I was very proud of Blaz though and salute him in his excellent cue taking. Then, we got dragged to play Soccer. Nina and I were talking and the guys are herding us on to the field. "Damn feminism, I hate how we have to play just to show that girls can play when actually..." "We would rather sit here and talk" "Exactly"

Though later we went to fowlers to get coffee and left the boys. Then, the afternoon led to me making a quote that I think I will be quoted on forever, being yelled at by nina and cops. Running across the road, terrified, telling Ryan when Georgia would come, talking about the insanity of the human race, hanging out with Matt and his friends, talking about gay pirates and donuts, being replaced by a gay pirate, replacing Matt with the I love donut man, yelling for a guy from fencing who wasn't actually there, and finally actually going inside to watch Laramie.

It was amazing

I don't want to talk about it on here... way to much to say and you wont get the full effect. Except I got the weird shivers I always get with extreme emotion and spent the entire second intermission attempting to have Matt keep me warm. I cried, not real tears just.. as much crying as you can do at a high school play.

I get an interesting email today from Michael... I had asked him how he was doing and he says after telling me he's fine "let's just say I have family issues above anything you'd understand."

Oh really... i think i've learned this weekend that every family is completely entirely fucked up. Mines not special. I replied telling him that i bet i would understand and he shouldn't assume I wouldn't because he knows nothing about my family situation. Henry told me that the reason people get along with me is that i'm nice to everyone. Then Henry pauses. Everyone except Michael actually, which is kind of ironic. Now i feel terrible, and am trying to be as nice as I can.

Today was amazingly brilliant. The sky was gorgeous and we watched movies in three different classes.

Joe and Maxine are going out and Nate and Sam corner me in Leons room asking me for details. Sam did save a spot for me on the couch during third period because we were watching fahrenheight 9-11. So I got the prime spot on the couch, though Sam R. seemed reluctant to sitting next to me. First period we watched this movie about frogs. More like frogs reproducing in Australia, and how these frogs have sex a lot, and you can get high off thier poison and its really bad, and nothing eats them and there are hundreds of thousands of these frogs walking around Australia. It is the most fucking odd movie I have ever seen. It was so completely surreal. I kept on turning to Molli and writing on her notebook... What the fuck?!? It was amazing. I want to find out everything about it.... write a documentary on the making of this insane movie. Writing about Star Wars makes me want to direct so bad... but I wont talk about that now....Dance class wasn't even that bad and Nate and I got out of it early any ways. I was deathly loud during fourth period and bounced around the school during Lunch. I made Nate sit outside with me to do spanish and I made fun of him because he couldn't tell the difference between a cobweb and a spider web. I found my glasses again, the ones I stole, the plastic ones, and wore them the entire six period. Inside I was exceptionally loud and gathered a small group of girls around me as I was talking about some dumb story. But I quieted down quickly. Slipped the glasses off the top of my head and on to my face. Stared down at them and started reading in Spanish. When I went up to the Library I walked in with my glasses and Mig and Tim both look at me, "Where did you get those?!?" They laugh. Around, I say and head towards the water fountain. It's been a good month.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are amazing! I love you.

10:43 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home