Sunday, May 22, 2005


So, My ipods on shuffle, my lights are off and i'm waiting for my mom to finish putting down the boys so I can finally watch OC. We'll see how much I can get through to you in this entry... how much you'll understand.

To start us off Joni Mitchell's come on but i'm skipping through it because all I can see while listening is Ryan singing it in Leon's area which gets old very fast. "And the seasons, they go round and round..."

Yes! Josie and the Pussycats! For some reason its been what i've needed lately. I've listened to it while i've been getting dressed in the morning and its motivated me ... "na na yeah yeah ... na na" Maxine burned it for me. Nina and I were obsessed with this movie when we were about ten. Which makes me think of the Back street boys which makes me desperately happy.

Beware this is going to be long.

Actually Holy shit have you seen how long this is?!? I understand if you have to skip around.. though i'd love you to make the effort of reading and commenting.

I hate when the phone rings. My dad freaks out when it rings when were watching TV. My mom doesn't understand how it bothers us so much. Imagine something suddenly slicing through all your muscles and jolting you out of your seat. That's how it feels when the phone rings. My heart starts to beat and it catches me completely off guard. I hate answering because someone is probably on the other end. I like when my cell phone rings though. The ring tones are more soothing and I always like the people who call me on there. My mom just came upstairs and yelled at me for no reason about the phone. I have music on, I can't hear anything. Mariah was the second call, shes hanging out at some bat mitzvah party, and the phone is ringing again. I always end up being the kid who talks to the parents instead of the kids themselves. Woah, I have not listened to Green Day for awhile, yet here we are. I miss that part of my life, the Green Day loving kid that I was in the beginning of the year. I keep getting online thinking someone I need will be available but no one is. So now lets get to the good stuff. Wednesday I went shopping with my mom and we hung out, and I realized shes probably the coolest mom ever which is nice to understand. Hm.. Neutral Milk Hotel. I love them. Then I woke up desperately early to drive to school to go on the trip. Of course were the last people there even though my dad and i pull up five minutes late. I run to the bus instead of Renee's car because I promised Georgia i'd sit with her. Basically Sam S. switched out of the bus so i could ride on it which made Georgia upset for a little bit but was probably the nicest thing of the entire trip.

Just kidding i've decided I'll just listen to spoon for awhile.

But now, I had only written that paragraph but I put my computer away and went online, and watched the OC then downloaded music, then went to bed. I just got the other two Spoon CD's I didn't have. I got woken up at one by my dad telling me we were going to go get ice cream at Maple View. So, I ended up sitting in the back seat of the van with my brother and his friend Wyatt being highly uncomfortable. Then, at the store I got amazingly good ice cream and I swear I had this weird connection with this guy behind the counter. Then my family ended up walking down this dirt path and I lied on the grass and slept instead. I didn't ever want to move, the grass was so green and the sun was so strong. Back in the car I attempted to explain why Beyonce was a cool person, not her music but her persona. I don't think they got it.

So now it's three in the afternoon and I still have to walk my dog, and finish my eval for Mig. And tonight I get to go over to Mariah's for her party kind of thing which is going to be really fun. Ah, I like this CD.

The bus was weird at first. I was sitting next to Margolis, but I got the aisle so I could talk to Georgia. We all ended up just sitting there half talking for the first few hours. Newspapers were rolled up and I hit Margolis over the head a couple of hundred times with Molli's magazines. I now look back and realize I don't remember much of anything. We played cards for a little while on Colin's pillow. We talked about who everyone had liked this year. We discussed classes and life, then we pulled in to a drug store and Dru and I jumped around the store. The other bus was having a brilliant time and our bus glared at them. Molli bought strawberry condom lubrication and somehow Nate V. on the way back was dared to eat it for four bucks. He ate it in the end, then Margolis was bothering me with his laugh so I made him switch with the other Nate. And then we just sat there for awhile, and neither of us talked but I swear I saw Phill driving in Boone. So, to the camp people, I saw Phill! Then I told everyone on the bus and got really excited and Georgia got all mad because I mentioned Nina. Then we were loud for awhile, and seats were changed and we were listening to this one British rap song over and over. It was blasting out of speakers in the back of the bus. After Subway for lunch the seats suddenly got really comfortable. I was sitting next to Sam R. but leaning on Georgia across the aisle. And that was the best part of all the bus rides. Because we were just leaning there talking about boobs and acting stupid, and fun, and laughing at everything that was said. Georgia was really comfortable and I wasn't tired anymore because of the caffeine in the coke. Oh that reminds me, I think i'm going to go get a soda. I just went downstairs and i don't think I will again any time soon. The babies are yelling and my moms on the phone looking stressed, but we got a toaster! I don't think we've had a toaster for like eight years.

So the bus was really loud towards the end and all of us in the front were getting along really well. Georgia and I would break in to Photograph every once in awhile... "If you want it." "Dododo" "You can have it." "Dododo" We sung only that part probably fifteen times while everyone else got more and more agitated. Both Nates were sitting behind me and they motioned towards Sam to lean in because they had a secret. I'm sitting there and Margolis tells me I can't hear. After a few seconds the huddle breaks away and I don't stop talking to Georgia. Margolis pokes me on the back. "Do you want to know what we were talking about?" Sure, I say but I don't turn around, I keep talking with Georgia. "It was dumb," Margolis says. "Okay," I say.
"We probably shouldn't tell you."
"Oh okay."
"Well if you REALLY want to know..."
I laugh. "um no, but sure."
Margolis pokes Vernon in the arm. "You tell her."
Nate V. shakes his head and turns to me, "I don't know how to say this..."
I sigh, you know what, I explain, I don't care that much just tell me later. All three of the guys looked really disappointed.

Then we arrive at the rafting place and Nate comes over and hints for me to get Maxine to take her shirt off so shes only wearing a bathing suit. Sam is kind of mad at me but he gives me a hug any ways. I was missing Dru and Jeramie because she was on the other bus so I run up to them and want them to only pay attention to me. But they don't and I quickly give up and talk to Molli instead. I make sure Georgia knows she can't leave me alone ever. We had to drive forty five minutes up the mountain to get to the place we start rafting. We went on this huge bus and i'm sitting next to Hannah for the most awkward forty five minutes i can remember. We both were attempting to be nice to each other, but Hannah mentioned how Chapel Hill is better because its 'safer' then Durham which made me laugh really hard. Okay yes Chapel Hill is safer but how does that make is better necessarily. So we had a weird 'argument' that was arguing but pretending to like each other arguing. Then we argued about drugs for a few minutes until the southern guide stood in the front to tell us about safety. I used hate southerners, but as i've met more, gotten to know more, i've changed my mind. I can't really talk because technically i'm a southerner myself, but also I think their really interesting. This guy standing up there had obviously done this talk hundreds of times. He motioned with his hands, made jokes in all the right places. He called on the only two people who raised their hands, Henry and Ryan. His long hair and beard got in the way of his hat and he couldn't stop tapping his foot. He talked like he was above us all and that suddenly gave him authority. When Renee asked him a question he looked at her and she coiled a little underneath his stare. Jim was complaining endlessly about getting sun screen in his eye which is one of the examples of the kind of thing he does to get people to hate him.

6 people to a raft and the other bus had already made the 'perfect' group while my group kind of formed around Aja so me and Georgia were left out and Molli wouldn't separate from us. Renee flipped out at me again so when it became obvious one of us three would have to leave the other two i volunteered. As I was walking away I waved to Georgia and she mouthed... "I hate you" So, I was on a raft with Julie, Josh, Jordan, whose a substitute teacher who was helping drive who used to go to CFS. He's young, and awesome and knows every line from all these weird movies. Also we had Joe and Sam. Our guide was this woman who reminded me of every councilor at GRP. Jordan was trying to impress her with his authority and it wasn't working. He would make comments to get her to laugh but she wouldn't, she was way to smart for that. It was a lot of fun, honestly I thought it would be terrible. But see what I always forget is that I get along with Joe and Sam pretty well. I momentarily forgot all of those second periods when were hanging out and actually getting along. Sam did a back flip during one of the class four rapids. It was brilliant. He was sopping wet, and he was wearing this white band shirt and his cut off black jeans and with the helmet his eyes looked huge and he's so skinny even with the life jacket on. He looked so insane and I made fun of him the entire time. Joe's mohawk was sticking out of the holes in the top of the helmet and so all these bright orange wisps were coming out in front of me. I ended up being in the front for awhile but then got moved to the back because Sam started yelling about how weak I was. He kept telling me I looked like such a little kid and then another boat popped so we had to stop and wait for them to patch it up. So Sams out of the boat trying to keep it on shore and I'm lying down on the side while talking with Joe and life. The suddenly i sit up and we start playing rock paper scissors really really fast. Then both of the boys tell me if I fall out they wont save me, and earlier whenever we went around a turn i would fall in to the middle of the boat because as Joe says "You weigh like eight pounds," Which made me really happy. Then Sam let me pretend to make him drown by pushing his head in the water and he got really wet. Then we finally started again while Joe explained that anything that happened after this point was my fault and i kept poking him in the back just to make him turn around. The rapids had settled down and we were nearing the end. Ryan had flipped out of his boat twice, Henry once with his bright orange recess shirt (which he claims is the reason girls asked him to dance at the dance, even though its just because everyone loves Henry). Were finally quiet for the first time all day. Then Jordan looks around and says "Isn't it beautiful."

You sound intelligent if you appreciate beauty. Suddenly your smarter if you claim somethings beautiful.

I'm thinking about this when Joe sighs and turns to me. "You realize your blog entry is going to be like eight pages, and you know what i'm going to read every single word." I laugh and say yeah, i've realized that. "And i'll comment!" Joe says, "I'll comment something as long as the entry itself." "yay!" I say ... I think everyone realized that everything they said to me would be catalogued and sorted in to my entry. I wanted to turn to Joe and say, I hope your realize your actions are going to be quoted. Of course I leave out all the bad stuff, the stuff I really can't share. Just, I spend my life attempting to remember things and once I write them down I can forget them. I don't have to remember the details because I can just read it. That's why I have to write it all down, so my mind doesn't get completely full. Why do i spend so much time on memories?

I made my May mix... like I do every month and its playing now on shuffle. So Kieser Chiefs are playing which is nice because I haven't over played them yet. So, I have a feeling most of you are going to skip around until you see your name, *cough* Matt *cough* which kind of makes it pointless i'm typing all of this shit... but .... i guess i'm still going to go...

We climb back in the bus again and go to Lutherock which is Christian and everyone their reminds me of GRP which for some reason doesn't make me sad at all. Then we all fight over beds, and we change, or not... Star Wars was amazing. Matt just made fun of me using my dots, ... Only a few people have pointed out that I use them so much. For some reason I like using them on IM when I say goodbye. It's like the conversation isn't abruptly ending...


Star Wars was amazing and the bus was super fun, even though Mianus jokes were made the entire car ride their and back. "Theirs a tree growing in Mianus!" The movie was great... hehe... not like other people in our class would know. Wait did i say that? Yeah, though I almost fell asleep and Nate had to keep reminding me this was the meaning of my existence.

The ropes course sucked. It isn't even worth my usual rambling.

The bus back Michael took my seat looking utterly miserable. We had to have the same buses back because of certain people who other people don't like. So I snuggled on a back seat with Georgia and we talked about boys for about an hour. Then we sung grease. Then Molli bought Cosmo... and we read sex tips for awhile passing the magazine to all the guys around us. And i'm talking about someone behind their back to Georgia and i'm explaining to her, "It's cute when they come up to you and you're like aw, your slightly retarded." Which was hysterically funny and both of us couldn't stop laughing. Then I turned on Spoon and fell asleep curled up as small as I could. When I woke up we were getting close to home and me and Nate played Solitaire on my ipod. And we talked, which we do really well.

When we got back Aja had this super important thing to tell me, but then she ended up not telling me because we couldn't get away from people. Grace took us to her house before the dance and we showered and me and Molli had this amazing talk when no one else was around. Ha, then I wore my dress and Georgia did my eye makeup because I was to lazy and Nina called me really upset. Then I was all rattled and kept hoping she was okay.

The dance was amazingly fun. Does this make me sound completely ridiculous?

Everyone looked great, and the music was brilliant. And the boys, the Sam Nate, Colin, Ryan, crowd dedicated Photograph to the girls and Georgia and I freaked out. We all danced with each other, and no one except Molli cried but honestly I couldn't be bothered because it was my last dance like this ever. The mood was perfect and when Henry and I are trying to salsa to the Gorillaz we knew nothing could be better. Spencer got suspended! Yes! Neutral Milk Hotel! But Joe took my cell phone home which was really dumb of me. When Send Me on My Way comes on as the fourth year song all of us go crazy and dance in this huge circle and jump around and were all desperately sad its over. So, I have to call my cell to get Matt's number which honestly I still don't know, and Joe's all drugged out on Amp's and isn't paying attention at all.

Though Sam finally drags me in to the guys bathroom with Nate to show me his six pack that he swears only shows up in the right light. So they make sure no ones inside and Sam drags me inside to see his stomach. The six pack is there under the fluerecent lights... He was so proud it was really sweet.

In the car I sat and looked out the window while Jeramie and Dru were in the back. "I am so content right now," Dru says and we all nod and laugh, and smile and look out at the rain coming down against the dark trees lining the road.

At Graces, Georgia felt desperately sorry for herself and we all felt sorry for her because she was sad so we grouped together on the couch and watched South Park and Friends and ate chips until we physically couldn't eat anymore.

My mom picks me up and once I get home I can finally breath. I was done after two intense days of being whatever I am at school. It was so relaxing to surrender myself to being a kid for once. I think i've explored that this year, this idea of not having to always be better then everyone else. Because honestly i'm not.

I have a new Damien Rice song I listen to before bed. Volcano, has taken place over Delicate.

I'm in an amazing mood because the dance was so much fun, and fourth year trip is fresh in my mind, even though i'm half asleep. Matt calls and I throw on the closest shirt to me and turn on Weezer exceptionally loud. So when my parents knock on the door I don't hear them so I get a call from Matt telling me I locked my parents out of the house. hehe. Then we talk in my room for awhile and I definitely realize i'm the worse person out of us two. Basically we walked to Duke Gardens while he complained about how long the walk was which was stupid as its about a mile. Then we ate jelly beans and talked under this tree for a really long time before walking out of the park. The thing with Matt is i'm lying there complaining about everything that's going on and he pokes me and says, "Hey, its almost summer, then all of these problems go away, then its all over and you don't have to think about it anymore okay?" And he suddenly makes me feel better. That's the reason. He always makes things okay. So, with everything that was going on and seeing him again after a few weeks, just it didn't have the result that others were hoping for. And only one person knows what i'm talking about and I don't even think he reads my blog. It was nice just to talk to him for four hours, it wasn't unfamiliar it was just us sitting there talking about everything that came in to our heads. We spit off the side of the bridge and I attempted to do it in a manly way but failed. At home we kind of lay on the couch for awhile playing with my dog until my brother stole Matt away to play video games. Upstairs we played with my brothers which is nice because I hate kids and Matt doesn't.

It's really hard I never see him. That's already been a small problem. It's a huge flaw in my personality. So, i'm scared of what not seeing him will cause next....

I talked to Nate online though and we had a really good conversation where I was completely honest and I think i've figured it out.

"Woke up today, just called to say your bodies cold your going no where... your going no where..."

So I had these high powered days of extremes. The times when i'm being so happy, when were playing volleyball and Dru jumps on top of me and I pull her down in to the sand and were laughing hysterically and jumping around, and Nate comes up in this really cute way and asks something that sounds dumb and I laugh and am like "You can do better then that," And i'm so happy I could care less about what he says next but I remember it being really nice.

I've been so together this weekend, hanging out with Matt was a nice way to end the extreme line of socialness. Which now I realize isn't a word.

So, that was it. I'm about to proof check it on Word and then disappear in to my going to bed world. I was walking my dog today and I was thinking about Nina. She was acting so weird last night. As if suddenly Eliza was either talking through her, or as if she herself had completely gone. I'm not mad at her, she wasn't being annoying, or mean she just kept talking about all these ideas that she claims no one can understand and I wanted to shake her out of this script she's feeding me and tell her I understand perfectly. Because I do, shes talking about how she feels her mind changing and its amazing because I've felt that to. You feel when you grow up. I think we're taking different paths, were getting farther and farther away from each other even though were still on the same line, understand? For the first time ever I felt dumb for loving the OC with her, as if suddenly she was way to cool for it. I love Nina, just sometimes I worry shes not having fun, shes just living to get somewhere. I think shes realizing now time always goes at the same rate and you should appreciate where you are on that line now, before this time is gone. But I love her more than anyone in the world and no matter what she does... she'll ALWAYS be my favorite. And i will love her no matter what.

This is what I was thinking while walking my dog for a half an hour while some woman was playing an opera song that was heard throughout the neighborhood while she gardened.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

you know that part where you said that you have to write these things down so that your mind doesnt get filled? that part made me think of in harry potter when he takes his memories out and puts them in that bowl. i cant remember what its called again. great entry.

3:49 PM  
Blogger maxine said...

wow. that was really great and long. i'd like to say something else about that, but i can't. i wish i could!

4:44 PM  
Blogger joe said...

I READ EVERY FUCKIN WORD!! TOLD YOU!! hmmmm _______ much rebecca?

6:00 PM  
Blogger Ruthie said...

and i read it ALL (almost)
u rock!

1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anthony said...

OK, I am going to try to read and comment at the same time.

you never forget stuff it just looses it's activation

a "..." is called an elipse and it is typographically different from three dots

REMINDER: you said this
>I think i've explored that this year, this idea of not having to always be better then everyone else.

Done. Not much to add.

6:00 PM  
Anonymous coolest kid in the us said...

Holy smokes!!! I've been trying all day to find little know sources of "real" people online with thoughts and ideas about coolest kid in the us. I stumbled on to your porst about Phone and although it's not exactly what I was looking for, it certainly caught my attention. I'm personally building a resource for coolest kid in the us and hope you might stop by and check it out when you have a chance...let me know your thoughts. I'll be sure to send people this way as well. Thanks Rebecca...Cheers!

5:27 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home