Wednesday, May 04, 2005


Nine more days of class and counting...

I should be replying to two important e-mails right now or doing homework but instead I spent the last hour listening to potential ringtones on my computer. Actually last hour and a half. I didn't know I had the attention span to do something like that for so long. I downloaded the new Weezer CD. Yes, the one that doesn't come out until a week from yesterday. Some songs are as good as the old Weezer. Its actually really, really great and its nice to listen to something you haven't exhausted yet, knowing you are going to love it.

Today I found myself get home and mindlessly play with my nails while listening to Weezer, sitting in my desk chair and thinking before looking up and realizing I hadn't moved for the last fifteen minutes. I was actually in a really good mood today, but later everyone was giving off this vibe as if suddenly they had all talked behind my back and decided they didn't like me anymore. Matt called me later at home to ask if i'm coming to school with him on Friday and when I said yes of course! I can't wait! He says "Good because i've been telling everyone i've seen your coming." Which was cute but I had this urge to ask him "Wait, you still like me right?" Not because I didn't think so, no, just because him assuring me would make me feel as if the world suddenly didn't start plotting against me after all. Sometimes I do feel like I live two lives. I didn't ask though, because not only does it make me sound self centered when he was being completely nice and not doing anything wrong. But also because that would be weird... and it didn't matter so I didn't.

I've been accusing my mom of things lately, whenever I bring up something she turns to me, squints her eyes and says in a predictable voice. "No, that's so weird? Why would you ask that, I mean that's just weird. That's just weird." It is the most annoying thing that she's does. "No,mom" I say, "It's actually not that weird." Because what i'm asking is never weird she just pretends it is even though I know she knows its not. I asked her why her and dad were attracted to each other and she replied "What? Why are you asking me that? That's such a weird question?" Um mom actually its not.

Track 3 This is Such a Pity is probably my favorite. It sounds a little like the Killers I think.

Rivers is insane, I want him.

What used to be irregular at school has turned in to the regular. We hang out with the same people each day but they aren't the same people we started the year off with. People walk down the halls willing themselves to go to the next class. I've gotten to lazy to care, and I think most of the school agrees with me. We're all just to tired, to worried, to fucked to think anymore.

I spent half an hour walking around with Nate today before sixth period. We ended up sitting on the radiators and talking about random things as always. As Anna Ruth told me about a month ago, its nice to see you guys as friends and actually friends instead of flirting all the time. I was proud when she told me this and thanked her for noticing. Any ways he doesn't like me anymore and I don't like him so its all going well...

I think I sunburned my nose. About a day ago I decided I hate people again (this is happening more and more frequently i think.) No one reason had brought this on, only the added up annoyances of the kids around me. I love people but by the end of the year even the ones I love the most are doing small things that drive me insane. They can't help it, they aren't doing anything wrong really in theory. Just a certain eye roll by someone, or the way someone takes notes. This is why I will grow up alone, after I get to know people something about them drives me insane. When I bring up this very abrupt and obvious problem they tell me that when I love someone enough their annoyances wont matter. They being adults in general who try to preach to me about my problems. Instead I like to sigh dramatically and exclaim that i'll find something wrong with them in the end! just so I can be right and walk away feeling sorry for myself.

About a week ago late at night my internet wasn't working so I was sitting on our hall floor with my computer. No one was being interesting and I didn't really want to do my math homework so I got out a frozen milkshake from cookout and heated it up so it was smooth. About a minute later my dad came down and did the same thing. He sat on the steps and me on the floor both of us eating spoonful after spoonful. After about three minutes I look up and say, "We feel so sorry for ourselves don't we."
"Yeah, we really do."

I think i'm over hating people...

Yesterday I stayed after school to watch the dress rehearsal of the high school play. It was after a soccer game that ended at six and the play started at seven thirty. Nate and Sam S. were around so I shot some baskets with them while they made endless fun of my lack of skills. We went inside the school to get scissors so i could cut off a portion of Sam's hair that was bothering me. I have Outkast stuck in my head. The whole school, which is really only a main room with other rooms coming out of it, is completely dark. No one is around and we head towards the staff room. I like places that usually are filled with people when they are completely still. They feel more special that way. Sam says what i'm thinking. "We could totally make out now." Yep, I say. Then at the same time we both say, "If only you were someone else."

Were kidding, kind of, were not that mean, but its true.

I ate dinner while we talked. An hour later I went in to get a seat for the play. Out of the twenty people only three were kids. We sat staggered in the front row. While we waited we made paper crane after paper crane.....


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