Sunday, June 26, 2005

Camus

Camus

Albert Camus... ah suddenly Emerson is erased from my mind....

Monday, June 20, 2005

Axle

So... its been a week and i've sufficiently learned that....

I desperately want to sleep with Emerson

I just have to wait until i get to Fucout

Everyone is selfish, and Nietzeh is right most of the time

I wish I could blog more often because i've been thinking way to much

My roommate is kick ass awesome

When Gus and George aren't hanging out in our room during free time were lost and walk around aimlessly until we decide to go in to the computer lab. When we open the door I yell when I see Gus' bright red hair "Their they are!" and every single head turns my way and me and Jennifer run out of the building laughing hysterically.

Axle Foaly is god... though is last name is Schum

Hoebag is a very good insult

Alex is a pimp

Wayd is super creepy but makes up for it because of his tube of cookie dough

Boner Boy is a rapist

Gus just walked up behind me mumbled something then walked away... I don't know what it was... i said hey but by the time I turned around he was gone with Donald. hm.... Why is no one online!?!?!?!?

I get really weird during evening sessions and make odd comments such as "were all gay.. party!" and wave my hands in the air until Kate tells me i'm weird and Amanda just nods... shes used to it by now.

I'm apparently 'one of those people' but in a good way... says Amanda

I carry around a Nalgene everywhere

Dante figured out you can fill it with lemonade and George filled his empty cup up with free lemonade at Wellspring when we went yesterday.

Gus bought us chocolate covered pretzels ... at a price

90's pop is best heard from underneath our window being sung by our RAG

Again Axle is god

So many people are Bisexual here... its like a massive group i feel left out of

Other people around me are blogging... only at tip

Anthony has a binary watch that for half an hour i checked every minute to see if i could read it

"Keep my momma out of it and i'll keep this out of your mom."

Michael is funny no matter what he says

Our room is the party room

I miss home... kind of... not really

I have so much to say...

I poured water on Chris one day and yesterday I poured milk all over him, and the wall, because Billie told me to and didn't think i'd actually do it.

Billie=Asshole
Chris=Asshole 2 though he doesn't know this ranking while as Gus is #3 and attempted to get everyone to turn against me because I said i disliked Dave Mathews Band. Gus has never met a straight edge person but desperately wants to.

Older guys think Jennifer's hot cause she is.

Everyone HATES Durham

Gus and Donald and Michael just took my key to go find twinkies in my room but as I want to finish writing this i didnt go with them which was really stupid as I have no reason to trust them and I know they'll be going through our stuff. Whatever I don't care. I really don't want to go to evening session tonight though I seriously spent 8 hours reading today. All of this nietzie stuff and I explained why i disliked our school with lack of competition ... and blabla okay well Jennifer's done so I should run. Leave me some comments I miss you guys and calling is nice ;) or I saw Jeramie and Wellspring. I am so jealous of your cooking class guys... okay well I have to go return Kates boyfriends sweatshirt and go make sure all my stuff is still in my room. and... Axle is god

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Brazen

I've been asked by a few people in the last day or two why I haven't written another entirely to long, boring entry about my life. Actually just really Joe who wants to keep himself entertained. And you'd think that because i'm leaving tomorrow for three weeks without a computer I would be writing every day but for some reason for the first time I haven't had anything to say. Do you believe it? This was my last week in school, and I wasn't sleeping well and I had all these really vivid dreams about people in our grade, that I would wake up and remember perfectly. Then I wouldn't let myself face the fact that this was the last week of school and I don't know, I realized even more last night i'm just more confused then I ever was and I can't ever figure myself out.

Monologue was great... and if you really care, though its a million times better when i'm reading it, its here and then Henry's who started and ended the whole thing is here. Don't worry I got his permission to post it, i'm not THAT bad. The performance was really fun, and during the week I got in a huge argument, sorry DEBATE with Michael about basically the meaning of life which started about spirituality, then soul mates, then souls, then the meaning of life. I won... kind of... not really... we 'tied'. Well I poured Juliet's Nalgene on his head which was worth it all. Then Adam told Michael he had to write his monologue on what we were talking about and then I sounded like an idiot because I couldn't argue back because my monologue was about my brother instead. Whatever, it was fun. I can't believe that was only two days ago.

Take in point that I am allowed to make this entry as long as I fucking want as i'll be gone for three weeks. Whenever I mention TIP Nates goes casually, "nerd camp".

I've listened to RENT in the last two days more then I have in the whole last year. It's calming me down.

Well, in our year books that we got on Thursday, we had fourth year most likely to's and mine was quote, "Run out of things to be obsessed with and become obsessed with herself... oh wait" HAHAHA my friends are so cruel but so right.... Oh a Take me or Leave me just came on... nice. Graduation, I don't know what to say. Its weird i've been like thinking about this moment for what, four years? The time when its YOUR turn to finish and again I have nothing to say. I'm just not thinking about it that hard so to think I just turned off RENT and made myself play Spoon to wake myself up a little. Its twelve though and my contacts aren't in and I have to pack and call Sam R. and get out of bed for starters. But instead I got up to tell my dad some stuff people had told me and that I desperately want a Cafe Driade latte and then I went back in my bed and closed the door. I am oh so productive.

Graduation has become sort of famous in our school, that time where we sit in a circle and the advisors talk about the kids and why they are wonderful, one after another. Yeah, so I cried because I can't handle any situation ever without crying in some form or another, but I wasn't crying as much as people thought, that loud noise coming from my section was molli who was bawling on my shoulder. I was just... just... kind of letting the tears roll down my cheek. I wasn't being loud, though later Sam R. told me that I looked awful while I was crying to I wrote on his neck with this pen that he was mean. Ah! i love spoon. As Margolis would say, "That's funny cause its like spoon, am I right?" cracks up hysterically looking around for someone to join in the joke. No one does so hes standing their looking awkward until someone says something else he can make in to a sexual refrence. No offense Margolis, your quite a person. Well, as we all our self centered in the end, I could perhaps tell you all about what nice things other people said to each other, and how our grade is brilliant (cause we are) but instead i'll start with what Mig said to me. As my advisor she holds right to give me my flower and say something about me to the school, and I stand up there after she calls my name and she says, "Oh," small pause, "my god." And everyone laughs. Yes, so sometimes I do sound like that and Mig continues... "Oh, my god, oh my god did you see the OC last week?" Everyone's laughing now and Migs grinning at me. Then she said some other stuff that I wont go in to now, but we can just say that I felt like everything was perfect, and I was sitting next to Dru and we were close together and down the row tissues lay out about, and my camera was digging lightly in to my leg. After, Emma T. came up and I made her cry and then I couldn't even look at Mariah even though she's going to be right across the street for awhile. I kept telling Nate he should get in to it even though it wasn't a big deal. You have to pretend, I kept saying, or its not fun. Just pretend this is actually a lot more important then it actually is and you'll realize what your missing.

My party was really fun, I think at least. Jumping up and down in my room to backstreet boys is a highlight... my dad bought this HUGE box full of fireworks at Cotco that the guys couldn't help but worship. So, much to my moms dismay it kind of coupled off. And it was weird hugging michael goodbye because hes not coming back. Then Sam,Nate, and Ryan all left together and I wandered back in to the play room where Sam R. was playing 'boat' with my little brothers and he tells me that i'm the water monster and I have to die which gives me the worst position. Then finally we sneak away from the boys and go up in my room and talk for awhile. HOLY SHIT THE HUGEST BUG IS IN MY ROOM RIGHT NEAR MY FACE I AM ATTEMPTING NOT TO FREAK OUT. and we sat up in my room and both of us kind of let out a sigh... as if suddenly everything was figured out for once. And as much as you don't believe it for the first time in three months i'm not worried about the outcome. Its summer right? Nothing counts. I'm not worrying and its giving my mind a break.


And then like that... everyone's gone. And i'm leaving for camp and everyone's gone and its summer but I can't help but feel like i'm missing out on something, as if everyone's lives become highly more interesting over the weeks i'm gone. Georgia kept saying as we sat in my room trying to find a song to play on my speakers, i'm not going to see you for two months! two months! i'm not going to see you for two months! and for the first time ever I feel like i'm missing something over summer. That comfort of my people so to speak, you know that whole grade of ours that fit so nicely once in awhile. I'll be fine waiting until summer is over, its not that bad, its just the idea. How we kept walking around and the couples kept on being like, "nine weeks we wont see each other nine weeks!" Sizing up each other seeing who would have to wait the longest and leaving those to talk on the stairs alone. How ridiculous can we get, three months guys, I think we can wing it. Adam read my blog, and that's all i'm going to say. You should get it. Oh (pause) my god this bug is huge.

I wish I could say something more thoughtful, write a story, tell you something meaning full but i'm just so apprehensive and so excited about what's coming, and weezer's being played and my mom would be so mad if she found out i wasn't getting my stuff together right now. But i'm almost done, and then i'm free.

Brazen is a word... haha wow.. yesterday was fun.

So, don't forget about me while i'm gone, I sure as hell wont forget about you. Just, wait apprehensively for me to come back and talk and talk, but i promise i've learned to listen. One of the few mature things i've grown in to this year. Update your blogs! comment! I wont be able to handle leaving my comfort zone! or maybe it will be despratly good for me...

"When your heart has expired" Ah my RENT. Wow quite the last two days.

So that's it, the rest is secrets. Those are only for me.

So, as Mig has said and says, "I'll see you around the hood."

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Speak

So, yes this is a cheesy song to put on your blog but as i've been told by five people that they bought the song after watching the trailer and I haven't been asked to burn the RENT CD so much sinse sixth grade. I think I should start a countdown for November 11th... though i'm really not THAT obbsessed really... but more on that later ;) I'm writing a blog entry as we speak but I thought I just needed to add in these lyrics because they seemed fitting and for some reason I just had to put them in. School's over. This isn't my favorite song on the CD.... if you care its I'll Cover You (Reprise) look it up.....

Cups of Coffee

Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
moments so dear
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year

In daylight, in sunsets, in midnights,
in cups of coffee, In inches, in miles
in laughter in strife,

In Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life

(chorus)
How about Love
how about love
how about love
measure in love
seasons of love
seasons of love

Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
journeys to plan
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
how do you measure the life of a woman
or a man

In truth that she learned
or in times that he cried
In the bridges he burned
or the way that she died

Its time now to sing out
though the story never ends
lets celebrate remember a year
in the life of friends

(chorus)

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Seasons

YAYAYAY!

I think i've watched it about fifteen times already

It actually looks amazing, seriously I can't wait.

Oh my god its beautiful.

Okay i need to go watch it again.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Mine

A month ago I was watching my little brothers play, some thing they had put together over the past month. If you knew my brother you’d know we don’t exactly get along unless that one time where we’re bonding over our parents stupidity.
I don’t think he was proud of this play, and he’s terrified of extreme human interactions like performing. My mom would be all on me right now, “Rebecca, you don’t know how sensitive he is, your words hurt him, look you hurt him.”
To which I respond the only way I can and walk away with an exaggerated eye roll saying, “I hate this family.”

I was late, to the play that is, and so I ended up getting this terrible place in the back where I could barely see over the multitude of people. And, my brother was smiling and i’d never seen him smile like that.

Not a mischievous smile, but a heartwarming joyful excited one. While I watched him I realized I hadn’t seen him smile like that for year. And maybe my extreme frustration at him made that disappear, and maybe maybe i’m the reason I never see him smile like that anymore. I started to bite my fingernails, I do that whenever I have nothing to play with in my hands, my nails have become my comfort.

In the end I thought as I bit away at the cuticles ripping them lightly from my skin, maybe i’m this awful person who effects peoples lives so radically they can’t smile anymore.

I refuse to have that power.

The group of his classmates stood as they began to sing the final song, the ending, and my brothers still smiling and the minute their voices reach my ears i’m so glad I wasn’t to late for this. I can hear my brothers voice among the other and I know the words because it’s an old song everyone loves at some point in their life. Funny what connections you make. Then i’m choking down tears and attempting to hide it in the dark. I stood and cried, but it was those tears you know? The ones that drop slowly teasing their way down your face until you have no choice but to wipe them off.

The woman next to me kept poking me, jabbing her long fingernails in to the side of my arm. She pointed at my brother with the hand not poking in to my side. “Isn’t he cute?” She said and I nodded. And when she kept talking I laughed trying to cover up the mess of tears running down my face. Later, I walked out bumping lazily in to the audience around me. When I found my brother I told him he did a great job, but for a reason I couldn’t look him in the eye.

Staring up at me he says “I hate that song”

We don’t know how to handle power. It’s human nature to mess up everything in our lives ripping it apart like my nails. The good things disappear and we all end up here, on a train, going somewhere because we have to because if we don’t, nothings going to be okay ever, no matter what. Someho-

What was that?

I’m just hearing voices again.

I wish something was coming after us, chasing us and we were running as fast and as hard as we could away from it. Trying to gain speed but we know theirs no hope. In the end we’ll be caught but like those dreams we wont see what happens next because the minute we get grabbed we’ll wake up.

Henry's

Life is a card game. Draw your card. Hope for the best. You cannot choose
your card but you can figure out how to best use it. And yet it is not
until the end of the game when you lose, that you look back and see what
you could have done. Hindsight. Mankind must question everything that
happens to it. What is this? What was that? What will be coming? Perhaps
if we stopped questioning and just trusted we could do more with what we
have. But it will never happen. We care too much about our own selfish
lives. Foolish morals. You are one of billions on a miniscule planet. Our
lives mean nothing. And it isn’t until you have mere seconds to live that
you realize it.

Look at your watch. Listen. Can you hear it? Watch the seconds tick by.
Tick tock. Tick tock. Every second that passes is one more second you’re
alive. Tick tock. Tick Tock. And one more second closer your inevitable
death. Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

Do you believe in death? I don’t. Your presence changes those around you.
And that slight difference can change the way they change the ones around
them. A girl watches her brother perform. A man tells his niece a joke. A
good natured boy plots for world domination. And somewhere in the US, a
train crashes. Will you make a difference? Will I? So draw your card. Good
luck.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Silly Putty

You're walking in to a building, a tall one with huge glass windows on all sides. They reflect off the busy street around you can't see beyond them. The doors are glass but not tinted so you can see the people inside rummaging around, slipping things in pockets, walking to some destination somewhere. The doors are large enough to fit more than a few people at a time and they're automatic and open easily and smoothly. The doors to this building have always opened this way and its obvious nothing will change anytime soon. A sign, or very large sticker is on the door telling the reader that yes indeed this door is automatic and their is no need for you make an effort, ever. So you start walking towards the door as your attempting to get inside this building and their isn't really any other choice. The people who you are bringing in to the building are lagging behind and you're the closest one to the door in a fifteen feet radius. No one else is walking inside with you. When you come within three feet of the doors you pause. This pause lasts less then half a second, you barely realize you've stopped at all unless you're paying complete attention to everything around you. You stop because the door hasn't opened yet and you're scared. Suddenly you're not sure if it will open even though the sign says it will and your mind tells you it will automatically your body stops hesitating before walking in to glass. A quarter of a second later your walking again towards the closed door that opens automatically when you step one more foot towards the sensors. Then you're inside the building and you don't realize you've stopped at all. And that was what my trip was like.

Jeramie wrote about me on her blog, okay I mean a lot of people will mention me once in awhile on their blogs but idk she was talking about my writing in one paragraph. Yeah, shes right what makes me feel better is writing huge entries because then everything disappears. I don't fear losing memories or feelings anymore, i'm glad finally someone can read exactly what i'm thinking. You have to check out here entry, its really great and fascinating. But, what confused me the most about reading it was that I don't think that way and I feel guilty, maybe I should? Maybe I should spend more time being confused but I don't have time for that so instead I write about other things going on. Part of me feels like my blog is a little hub... a place where everyone kind of meets then disperses. I like that. Maybe its just my imagination. People are starting to write like me, spaces, quotes from songs. I don't mind its just interesting that's all.

In seven days i'm leaving for TIP and I wont write for three weeks. Or i'm not getting back until July 2nd and then fourth of July Nina and I are partying as always. Mmmm lemonade *sigh* man do I love our neighborhood.

Some parts of my trip were really hard. My brother for one and easily showing me the reason why usually I don't ever talk to him. And then extended family are always a toll because you can't be yourself instead you have to shut yourself up and become this person who you know they want you to be. And I don't agree with my grandfather in a lot of ways so you have to just suck that up and try not to fight with him when he's talking politics. I came back feeling so warn out and kind of stretched. Universal and Disney world was amazingly fun though and I played twenty questions with my brother for most of it. On the way to fireworks Friday night my mom slipped when it was wet and broke her cell phone though which I think his hysterical and shows how unkind I can be. It was obviously some special Gay thing at these parks so this multitude of gay couples were walking around all the parks. It was brilliant because at Universal (where all of them were wearing red shirt) we went on this rafting ride and it was this woman and her daughter, my grandfather, my mom, my brother, me, this gay couple, this other gay couple, and this gay guy. So it proved to be quite a hysterical trip though I teased my mom endlessly for wearing a white shirt when it got wet. I hate the feeling of dropping, a.k.a. splash mountain. Why anyone would think that is fun is completely beyond me.

We have Java Chip Ice cream in the house which I just dug in to with a spoon.

I had so much thinking time this trip, the times I was being unsocial and disappearing in to my own world, I've had so much thinking time and so little contact with my friends the people who kind of bring my back to earth most of the time, keep me from disappearing way to much in to my own head, weren't there. So instead I kept thinking and i've been thinking so much, thinking like I used to I can't write it all down. I can't physically explain everything that's going on inside my head. Its like this war of messed up emotions. I fear I sound stupid when i'm trying to explain something, no i don't think my thoughts are stupid I just think that when I reread over what I write in my journal I cringe, how can I sound so stereotypical. How can my thought process let myself write that.

It scared me so much when I'm on this plane to Orlando and i'm looking out and you can see everything perfectly. The houses, the huge energy plant, and I feel so small and tiny compared to all the millions of people out there. Each one suffering each one slowly waiting at that light and I wanted to pick that car up that was going in circles and place it where it was going and explain that from up here, you can't get lost and every things not as frightening from far away.

But, I didn't just feel small I also felt kind of god like, one part insignificant falling for the trick of living life just like this, and another part of me felt like I was watching all these people who were just living and me? I wasn't just living, instead I was controlling it, power, I had the power over my life, compared to this entire world below me. And while I was sitting there I realized that I missed nothing, it wasn't the place I was it was the thought, the realization that i'm okay on my own. That its the fear of living the rest of my life without meeting new people that scares me instead of the fear of leaving behind what I have. And the minute I land I have to send Joe a text message on my phone, just so I stay connected, so I can't actually leave because I wont let myself face the fact i'm moving on and growing up without everyone around me.

cause she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and.....
This time when kindness falls like rain
it washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind

It used to scare me so much when I was little, because I thought that one day you just leave and suddenly its this huge world that you have to live with and in without the people supporting you. But as i've grown up i've realized its a very slow process and its not sudden and when i'm watching my mom and i'm finding her weaknesses as a person its comforting. I no longer think of my parents as elite figures, their so human and they have so many faults and I disagree with their opinions and I love them but sometimes they are so weak and vulnerable and once in awhile especially lately I feel like i'm taking care of them. I'm looking out for them, and that's why I can't bring myself to be mad at them because I have to comfort them and make sure they realize that every things okay, I promise.

As I write i'm doing the most embarrassing thing, i'm listening to the Counting Crows on shuffle because its the only music I want to listen to at the moment. Bloc Party was in my head for awhile but instead Counting Crows is doing its job. I hate that my mom likes them. I hate that. For some reason it doesn't bother me with Damien Rice, but still Counting Crows? I can do better then that.

My dad has started a blog

I am so fucking serious. You guys know how he's taking the BAR in July right. Well he went to Yale for Law school to awhile back but never took the BAR because I don't think he actually ever wanted to be a lawyer or something like that I don't know you'll have to ask him why his thought process worked the way it did. Well basically his company is failing and he realized my mom will like him a lot more if he actually makes money, which means he has to use his skills, a.k.a. law meaning he has to take the BAR. But he's not taking the North Carolina BAR he's taking the California one for some reason. We're not moving he's just practicing law there. I don't know, basically he's studying ten hours each day and has millions of books in his study. So, once I showed him how incredibly easy blogger was he made one himself about documenting studying for the BAR. It's very black and scary, and doesn't have much personality but i'm thinking I might try to edit it around a little for him before he shows it to his friends. When he tells my mom he started one she tells him he doesn't have time for that which makes him run upstairs and recruit me to tell my mom that she's wrong which I do because what are fellow bloggers supposed to do.

Ah, Mr. Jones. Can life get any better. Theirs no question mark after that because it was theoretical but you know that. Have you all actually read this far? "Who believs..yeah... Mr. Jones and me, tell each other fairy tales and we stare at the beautiful woman,"

I realized something really interesting. During the trip my mom called my dad twice, three times each day. And she wouldn't just check in either they would talk. They would talk for like half an hour each time, not just about their kids either about like work and life and stuff. When we get to the hotel room and were about to leave to see the fire works and my mom has been talking to him for twenty minutes I can't help thinking that they must have rediscovered each other or something because they never've talked like this before or they do just during dinner once in awhile. My dad wants to talk to me and the minute my mom hands me the phone I say "When did you and mom start talking?" Which both my parents think is hysterically funny and my dad and my mom both on different sides of the phone explain to me that they do this all the time. "We talk like this all the time, every day for hours you're just never there."
"No you don't"
"Yes we do, that's usually what married people do, what did you think we didn't talk."
"I just didn't think you guys talked so much, how weird.
"Uh yeah, me and your mother talk together, did you know we have sex together too." He's laughing even though it's a very mild sex reference for my dad.
"Uh ew, yeah I figured."
My dad's really cute though and was calling me to tell me that he updated his blog. He tells me every single time he updates it which most of us soon outgrow after the fifth or sixth post. You can visit it HERE. I told him I would link to him once he walked in to my room and sighed after I told him I hadn't read the updated post yet. I'm doing it for you! he explained, no one else reads it yet. then he left the room sadly saying, no ones commented yet. Welcome to the frustrations of life dad.

I love this counting crows song

I bought the new pornographers finally after two months of wanting one of their cds.

So, Thursday was my last day TAing and I read my bus entry... which is the story I wrote. Basically you have to describe your sub personalities as they are coming off a bus. As I did this entry in sixth grade I changed it all around and what I wrote this time is this weird thing on a bus. You have to read it to understand. I think it went way over the kids heads. Emily tells them to comment and a few do with amazing comments but mostly no one understood or had the guts to say something about my writing. I expected this and Emily got it, so it was all okay. Then the kids share some other work which i'm extremely amazed by and then we are asked to write something we value about each kid in the class. Then, these slips of paper will find their way in to bags for each person so each person gets a bag full of ways they are seen. Some kids spend an hour on their comments. I spend a long time because I don't know the kids that well but in the end I write some honest and interesting things. Then we open our bags and I ended up pasting each of my strips in my journal like the other kids. My favorite is by a kid with messy black writing "I really value how true to yourself you seem and how much your writing shows that." Most of them were about my writing as that's all these kids know about me. I was known as the writer, when really I don't think i spend THAT much time writing. Or maybe I do, maybe I don't really know myself all that well in the end. I am so sick of the Counting Crows, Weezer it is.

During lunch I was asked to repair some of the plastered hands while Emily went to the middle school to do something. I was really looking forward to doing it as then I would be able to get really messy. So, I ask the kids if anyone is going to hang out with me in Emilys room as I don't want to be by myself. A few kids agree, Emma, Becca, Kyle, Leiah and I tell them to read me some of their stuff to entertain me as I plaster. Some of the kids had written these lists which were their homework assignments and I listened to some of those. I listened to some Bus entries and they crowded around me begging me to hear. I was happy to listen to their stuff and I kept telling them to read me more ! or i'm going to have to put on my music. So, then we start talking about people we'd invite to our own islands, who are our closest friends. Then they ask for the 'gossip' which I tell them I can't share as they actually know the people involved. They beg and I stay strong. I ask them if they understood my bus entry and they nod but dont elaborate. After Emma reads me an entry she looks up, "I'm never going to write like you," she says. "Sure you will." I explain "But you write so Adult." "Adult?" "Yeah its so grownup and sophisticated." "Really?? That's only because i'm older than you in three years you wont think that." So now apparently I sound like an adult, which I don't mind. Somehow the conversation switches to Eric who obviously has a huge crush on Emma and i've been pestering her about it the entire time. Supposedly theirs this whole story that the families are friends... I don't know just this poor boy followed her around the entire time and it was fascinating to watch. And then I ask who've they've gone out with and tell them that going out early in middle school is stupid but that you really shouldn't listen to me any ways. Then Emma all innocent begs me to tell my first kiss story. I partly tell it but switch half way and tell my first kiss with Matt instead as it has a better build up and story. And I like him better any ways. They sit in awe completely amazed and after that I stop and refuse to talk about anything that involves anyone at school though they plead with me to slip up. Who do you like now? they ask scooting closer and closer.

After lunch Emily returns and the kids around me disperse giggling. We played that game where you go around the circle and pick out a 'silly object' and the people in the group have to explain why "That is sooooooo you because" We go around the circle and i'm still plastering and not paying much attention. When Emily says that we have to leave for Spring Fest I tell everyone i'll be gone when its over. Emilly shrieks like she does and goes "We have to do you then!" So i get to reach in to the back and I pull out silly putty. Kyle tells me its perfect because my last name has Egg in it and they are shaped like eggs and in the play I was Humpty Dumpty and it works out surprisingly well. Other people say a few other things and then Emily says in her perfect Emily way "Oh my gosh that is so you because in your next life your going to be really silly." I laugh i bet that's true, "But I mean you like in your next life you seem like your going to be a really silly person and it works out." It sounds weird writing it but I understood what she was getting at. But also besides that I think she kind of was hinting at me that in my next life I deserve to be really silly and i deserve that next. "Well," She continues "You might be silly already and you don't show me that but i dont know it seems like your waiting to be really silly." And that's hilarious as I find myself to be a really silly person. Then I realize that this side comes out that I hide because its not that normal you know, and that part that I hide isn't that silly and silly and joyful are two different things. It was interesting, and then it was amazing that five kids wanted to hug me goodbye. Three days and when I hugged Emily goodbye I felt like I was leaving this room of utter happiness.

While watching spring fest I was talking to Aja's mom and we were watching my brother and the fourth graders were singing black bird. Later I tell Sasha I liked that a lot, and he gives me this dumbfounded look and says clearly as day. "That song is so stupid."

Thursday, June 02, 2005

One Week

So I lied... I can't write not tonight not enough to make my point clear.

In this exact moment I am so happy I am me, because their are the few things I really don't like right now, but I'm so glad i'm handling them instead of someone else, because they're my fault any ways.

My neck stopped hurting this morning! Yay! I can kind of turn it again.... hehe good times. Do you realize i've been blogging for seven months?

I'm leaving tomorrow with my mom and my brother for Florida and its going to be fun, but I just want to be there already. For some reason i'm dreading the move, the travel and how I realized its my last week of school and i'm going to miss one day out of the seven we have left and I feel like i'm missing everything. No one's here any ways, today at lunch, Aja, Joe, Sam, Leia, Thomas and ... me hung out at the pottery studio, the upper school side and just talked and ate strawberries and kicked each other for an hour. It was the most fun i've had at lunch in awhile.

So, its only eleven thirty and I should be able to write but for the last two days i've been writing more then I think I ever have before. When I get home Sunday sometime maybe i'll share some stuff. No one believes I can be having such a good time, but they don't understand how journal writing for seven hours three days straight with fifth and sixth graders, and Emily can be the best exploritorium besides Adam's last year. Guys, its this room full of this ever astounding love. These children are so innocent so expecting and so excited. Emily's jumping out of her skin with happiness and on Monday when we gathered in Mig's apartment where she is staying and went over the lesson plan I couldn't wait for the next day. Don't make fun of me, you don't know what your missing. We're doing over some entries I did myself in sixth grade. I was allowed to introduce myself before break on Tuesday and these kids are respecting what i'm saying. I'm more intelligent around Emily. The first thing I write in my journal the first time we can free right ... "Finally time is standing still so I can catch up to myself" because its true... I have no idea what's going on. Then, I wrote this other piece based on the question, Where are you now? And I read over my sixth grade one and its all about how happy I am but so bored with this happiness. Of course Emily style first, you make a little clay sculpture thing and then write a piece from the point of view of your sculpture. You know me, I don't take anything literally, so I wrote this piece and I didn't like it but I liked my sculpture and the kids thought it was amazing which is cute because they love me and usually kids don't like me. This is my crowd though, the ones who sit and write instead of jumping up to play soccer. I hate sports, so do they, it works out nice. These children are brilliant, i'll talk more about that when I get back, but they are so in love with Emily and so invested in impressing people, they do the hardest work they can. My introduction was short, and I talked about how journal writing had influenced me... blabla... but I stressed this blog. Kept talking about how outlets are good. I don't know, I got this huge fucking sketchbook from Barnes and Noble and its black and thick and huge and I love it. It's been two days and the pages are filled with my black ink. Emily is in to free writing every morning as a way of letting out the things blocking your creativity. I'm so not kidding. This morning she handed out this quote and I wrote this two page thing on religion and spirituality and the way were really all cattle and then I read it over and realized It was kind of harsh and cruel to the human race, though it expresses my opinion well. I've never written so many things that I actually think in such a short amount of time. I bet, if my hand didn't hurt and I had all the time in the world I could fill that whole thing I can talk so much. I'm not going to talk about the assignments and how fun it was to revisit them now. My mom just came in to tell me to sleep and I guess maybe I will.

I'm going to tell you about my class though, my kids now. Like how Dave used to call us his soccer team, their my journal writing class. Eric Whittier who's dad was my photography teacher last year, who I did Mathletes with this year, sixth grade and who is called by most "Harry Potter kid," because he looks exactly like Harry Potter. Well I turn to him yesterday after he surprises me with his comments, "Hey Eric," I say, "I think your my soul mate." He looks at me, then looks away expressionless. "Maybe," says the sixth grader.

Fencing somehow is a Journal writing sport as three out of the four boys in the class fence. So, because boys are a lot slower at art projects I find myself helping out the boys and we talk about our common ground. I ask Alexander to teach me how to play Dungeons and Dragons, he tells me its incredibly hard to explain but Eric's the master. Eric! I yell across the room, you want to teach me how to play Dungeons and Dragons. With the same expression he had used the day before he looks at me, Sure, Why not. So we discuss fencing tactics and plaster each others hands and write stories about the meaning of life. One more day though, and then next week and its all over. I wrote a story today, I don't think i've actually written a fiction type piece in about two years. Its weird, I like it a lot, and I didn't do what the assignment was told but I had already done it two years ago so I wrote this complicated thing that took up three hours of my day. I can not believe I wrote a story, you're not supposed to admit to that.

So, more on this later. The nicest part of today was when asked by Aja who was their closest friends who were girls Sam R. responds, I think this one right here, pointing to me and I was like oh sam really? thanks! and I gave him a hug and then he's like its only because I talk to her the most, which is true, and hes trying to make Aja feel better but when asked what girl they would like to do stuff with both jump on her. Joe also said he could talk to me, so, its the friend thing again but honestly that made my day. Georgia's upset and I feel like i'm helpless I can't help her. Wow, I feel really weird this week, so focused not running away with myself. I think it might just be the lack of stress of living so much. We need to soak up enough life in this week though.

My parents are laughing in their room to Jon Stewart, I'm talking to Joe online and hes desperately waiting for this entry and so as I promised to joe.... JOE IS GREAT (joe its capital but i'm to fucking lazy to make it any bigger). No, but its true he is and an entire post on his blog is dedicated to me because were both up past midnight on a wednesday night. New kids coming to our school! Potluck... was weird, separated, clique, but not that bad. I'm worried about Matt. Somethings wrong and he told me he had to figure it out himself which I know he can do but idk its like with Georgia I feel helpless, maybe he doesn't need my help but I want to you know listen I guess though maybe those days are over. all right I really have to go, but sunday, or monday, or something I'll post some stuff from the past two days, and I realized everyone really just in the end loves themselves so I will go back to talking about everyone in great detail so you can scan for your name and read about you some more. ;) Look at Georgia's blog guys... she has a really brutally honest entry that people should check out. I love you Dru! you said i don't mention you anymore... look look... your name! One line has been going through my head all day, counting crows and I don't know why this line of anything I haven't listened to this song for ages but this one line popped in to my head and I can't seem to get it out....
"Believe in me because I don't believe in anything
and I want to be someone to believe"

What's with that?!?!?!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Mariahs Asleep

I'm listening to my ipod mix I made for making muffins on Sunday...

I'm going to write a long entry tonight. After I finish the homework for Emily's exploritorium. I'm lying on my bed and Mariah's lying next to me. She's sound asleep, her purple signsations shirt matches the one Samantha gave me months ago. She was reading "Sister Hood of the Traveling Pants" but put it down to sleep instead. I don't want to move so I don't wake her. I'm lying against the side of my bed, near the wall and my foot is asleep. Mariah doesn't have sheets and my covers on my bed are falling apart any ways. I love this kid. She's not really that much of a kid anymore. My dad opens the door and she sits up, asks if i'm writing in my blog. I nod, smile. "I'm going to write more tonight."
"Oh I don't mind" She stretches, "I just closed my eyes and your dad walked in." I know she's been sleeping but I don't tell her, instead I shake my foot and grin.
Then, she rolls over back on to my pillow with the tiny flowers on them and starts to fall back asleep. I keep telling her that she calms me down, but she doesn't understand what her presence does for me. It makes me jittery sometimes, hyper, disconnected but other times she brings my focus in. How? I don't know, but she makes me think about the important things, even when were talking about the most unimportant stuff. She's so happy, so alive, and I breath off of that. I take in her excitement, enthusiasm and joy of being whatever she is right then. Their is more difference between two years in this stage of life then what you'd assume. Earlier she looked up at me, "I'm turning in to you aren't I?" "A bit," I say teaching her how to publish something on her own blog, "But I don't mind at all, I think its great, i'm honored."