Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Mine

A month ago I was watching my little brothers play, some thing they had put together over the past month. If you knew my brother you’d know we don’t exactly get along unless that one time where we’re bonding over our parents stupidity.
I don’t think he was proud of this play, and he’s terrified of extreme human interactions like performing. My mom would be all on me right now, “Rebecca, you don’t know how sensitive he is, your words hurt him, look you hurt him.”
To which I respond the only way I can and walk away with an exaggerated eye roll saying, “I hate this family.”

I was late, to the play that is, and so I ended up getting this terrible place in the back where I could barely see over the multitude of people. And, my brother was smiling and i’d never seen him smile like that.

Not a mischievous smile, but a heartwarming joyful excited one. While I watched him I realized I hadn’t seen him smile like that for year. And maybe my extreme frustration at him made that disappear, and maybe maybe i’m the reason I never see him smile like that anymore. I started to bite my fingernails, I do that whenever I have nothing to play with in my hands, my nails have become my comfort.

In the end I thought as I bit away at the cuticles ripping them lightly from my skin, maybe i’m this awful person who effects peoples lives so radically they can’t smile anymore.

I refuse to have that power.

The group of his classmates stood as they began to sing the final song, the ending, and my brothers still smiling and the minute their voices reach my ears i’m so glad I wasn’t to late for this. I can hear my brothers voice among the other and I know the words because it’s an old song everyone loves at some point in their life. Funny what connections you make. Then i’m choking down tears and attempting to hide it in the dark. I stood and cried, but it was those tears you know? The ones that drop slowly teasing their way down your face until you have no choice but to wipe them off.

The woman next to me kept poking me, jabbing her long fingernails in to the side of my arm. She pointed at my brother with the hand not poking in to my side. “Isn’t he cute?” She said and I nodded. And when she kept talking I laughed trying to cover up the mess of tears running down my face. Later, I walked out bumping lazily in to the audience around me. When I found my brother I told him he did a great job, but for a reason I couldn’t look him in the eye.

Staring up at me he says “I hate that song”

We don’t know how to handle power. It’s human nature to mess up everything in our lives ripping it apart like my nails. The good things disappear and we all end up here, on a train, going somewhere because we have to because if we don’t, nothings going to be okay ever, no matter what. Someho-

What was that?

I’m just hearing voices again.

I wish something was coming after us, chasing us and we were running as fast and as hard as we could away from it. Trying to gain speed but we know theirs no hope. In the end we’ll be caught but like those dreams we wont see what happens next because the minute we get grabbed we’ll wake up.

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