Sunday, June 05, 2005

Silly Putty

You're walking in to a building, a tall one with huge glass windows on all sides. They reflect off the busy street around you can't see beyond them. The doors are glass but not tinted so you can see the people inside rummaging around, slipping things in pockets, walking to some destination somewhere. The doors are large enough to fit more than a few people at a time and they're automatic and open easily and smoothly. The doors to this building have always opened this way and its obvious nothing will change anytime soon. A sign, or very large sticker is on the door telling the reader that yes indeed this door is automatic and their is no need for you make an effort, ever. So you start walking towards the door as your attempting to get inside this building and their isn't really any other choice. The people who you are bringing in to the building are lagging behind and you're the closest one to the door in a fifteen feet radius. No one else is walking inside with you. When you come within three feet of the doors you pause. This pause lasts less then half a second, you barely realize you've stopped at all unless you're paying complete attention to everything around you. You stop because the door hasn't opened yet and you're scared. Suddenly you're not sure if it will open even though the sign says it will and your mind tells you it will automatically your body stops hesitating before walking in to glass. A quarter of a second later your walking again towards the closed door that opens automatically when you step one more foot towards the sensors. Then you're inside the building and you don't realize you've stopped at all. And that was what my trip was like.

Jeramie wrote about me on her blog, okay I mean a lot of people will mention me once in awhile on their blogs but idk she was talking about my writing in one paragraph. Yeah, shes right what makes me feel better is writing huge entries because then everything disappears. I don't fear losing memories or feelings anymore, i'm glad finally someone can read exactly what i'm thinking. You have to check out here entry, its really great and fascinating. But, what confused me the most about reading it was that I don't think that way and I feel guilty, maybe I should? Maybe I should spend more time being confused but I don't have time for that so instead I write about other things going on. Part of me feels like my blog is a little hub... a place where everyone kind of meets then disperses. I like that. Maybe its just my imagination. People are starting to write like me, spaces, quotes from songs. I don't mind its just interesting that's all.

In seven days i'm leaving for TIP and I wont write for three weeks. Or i'm not getting back until July 2nd and then fourth of July Nina and I are partying as always. Mmmm lemonade *sigh* man do I love our neighborhood.

Some parts of my trip were really hard. My brother for one and easily showing me the reason why usually I don't ever talk to him. And then extended family are always a toll because you can't be yourself instead you have to shut yourself up and become this person who you know they want you to be. And I don't agree with my grandfather in a lot of ways so you have to just suck that up and try not to fight with him when he's talking politics. I came back feeling so warn out and kind of stretched. Universal and Disney world was amazingly fun though and I played twenty questions with my brother for most of it. On the way to fireworks Friday night my mom slipped when it was wet and broke her cell phone though which I think his hysterical and shows how unkind I can be. It was obviously some special Gay thing at these parks so this multitude of gay couples were walking around all the parks. It was brilliant because at Universal (where all of them were wearing red shirt) we went on this rafting ride and it was this woman and her daughter, my grandfather, my mom, my brother, me, this gay couple, this other gay couple, and this gay guy. So it proved to be quite a hysterical trip though I teased my mom endlessly for wearing a white shirt when it got wet. I hate the feeling of dropping, a.k.a. splash mountain. Why anyone would think that is fun is completely beyond me.

We have Java Chip Ice cream in the house which I just dug in to with a spoon.

I had so much thinking time this trip, the times I was being unsocial and disappearing in to my own world, I've had so much thinking time and so little contact with my friends the people who kind of bring my back to earth most of the time, keep me from disappearing way to much in to my own head, weren't there. So instead I kept thinking and i've been thinking so much, thinking like I used to I can't write it all down. I can't physically explain everything that's going on inside my head. Its like this war of messed up emotions. I fear I sound stupid when i'm trying to explain something, no i don't think my thoughts are stupid I just think that when I reread over what I write in my journal I cringe, how can I sound so stereotypical. How can my thought process let myself write that.

It scared me so much when I'm on this plane to Orlando and i'm looking out and you can see everything perfectly. The houses, the huge energy plant, and I feel so small and tiny compared to all the millions of people out there. Each one suffering each one slowly waiting at that light and I wanted to pick that car up that was going in circles and place it where it was going and explain that from up here, you can't get lost and every things not as frightening from far away.

But, I didn't just feel small I also felt kind of god like, one part insignificant falling for the trick of living life just like this, and another part of me felt like I was watching all these people who were just living and me? I wasn't just living, instead I was controlling it, power, I had the power over my life, compared to this entire world below me. And while I was sitting there I realized that I missed nothing, it wasn't the place I was it was the thought, the realization that i'm okay on my own. That its the fear of living the rest of my life without meeting new people that scares me instead of the fear of leaving behind what I have. And the minute I land I have to send Joe a text message on my phone, just so I stay connected, so I can't actually leave because I wont let myself face the fact i'm moving on and growing up without everyone around me.

cause she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and.....
This time when kindness falls like rain
it washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind

It used to scare me so much when I was little, because I thought that one day you just leave and suddenly its this huge world that you have to live with and in without the people supporting you. But as i've grown up i've realized its a very slow process and its not sudden and when i'm watching my mom and i'm finding her weaknesses as a person its comforting. I no longer think of my parents as elite figures, their so human and they have so many faults and I disagree with their opinions and I love them but sometimes they are so weak and vulnerable and once in awhile especially lately I feel like i'm taking care of them. I'm looking out for them, and that's why I can't bring myself to be mad at them because I have to comfort them and make sure they realize that every things okay, I promise.

As I write i'm doing the most embarrassing thing, i'm listening to the Counting Crows on shuffle because its the only music I want to listen to at the moment. Bloc Party was in my head for awhile but instead Counting Crows is doing its job. I hate that my mom likes them. I hate that. For some reason it doesn't bother me with Damien Rice, but still Counting Crows? I can do better then that.

My dad has started a blog

I am so fucking serious. You guys know how he's taking the BAR in July right. Well he went to Yale for Law school to awhile back but never took the BAR because I don't think he actually ever wanted to be a lawyer or something like that I don't know you'll have to ask him why his thought process worked the way it did. Well basically his company is failing and he realized my mom will like him a lot more if he actually makes money, which means he has to use his skills, a.k.a. law meaning he has to take the BAR. But he's not taking the North Carolina BAR he's taking the California one for some reason. We're not moving he's just practicing law there. I don't know, basically he's studying ten hours each day and has millions of books in his study. So, once I showed him how incredibly easy blogger was he made one himself about documenting studying for the BAR. It's very black and scary, and doesn't have much personality but i'm thinking I might try to edit it around a little for him before he shows it to his friends. When he tells my mom he started one she tells him he doesn't have time for that which makes him run upstairs and recruit me to tell my mom that she's wrong which I do because what are fellow bloggers supposed to do.

Ah, Mr. Jones. Can life get any better. Theirs no question mark after that because it was theoretical but you know that. Have you all actually read this far? "Who believs..yeah... Mr. Jones and me, tell each other fairy tales and we stare at the beautiful woman,"

I realized something really interesting. During the trip my mom called my dad twice, three times each day. And she wouldn't just check in either they would talk. They would talk for like half an hour each time, not just about their kids either about like work and life and stuff. When we get to the hotel room and were about to leave to see the fire works and my mom has been talking to him for twenty minutes I can't help thinking that they must have rediscovered each other or something because they never've talked like this before or they do just during dinner once in awhile. My dad wants to talk to me and the minute my mom hands me the phone I say "When did you and mom start talking?" Which both my parents think is hysterically funny and my dad and my mom both on different sides of the phone explain to me that they do this all the time. "We talk like this all the time, every day for hours you're just never there."
"No you don't"
"Yes we do, that's usually what married people do, what did you think we didn't talk."
"I just didn't think you guys talked so much, how weird.
"Uh yeah, me and your mother talk together, did you know we have sex together too." He's laughing even though it's a very mild sex reference for my dad.
"Uh ew, yeah I figured."
My dad's really cute though and was calling me to tell me that he updated his blog. He tells me every single time he updates it which most of us soon outgrow after the fifth or sixth post. You can visit it HERE. I told him I would link to him once he walked in to my room and sighed after I told him I hadn't read the updated post yet. I'm doing it for you! he explained, no one else reads it yet. then he left the room sadly saying, no ones commented yet. Welcome to the frustrations of life dad.

I love this counting crows song

I bought the new pornographers finally after two months of wanting one of their cds.

So, Thursday was my last day TAing and I read my bus entry... which is the story I wrote. Basically you have to describe your sub personalities as they are coming off a bus. As I did this entry in sixth grade I changed it all around and what I wrote this time is this weird thing on a bus. You have to read it to understand. I think it went way over the kids heads. Emily tells them to comment and a few do with amazing comments but mostly no one understood or had the guts to say something about my writing. I expected this and Emily got it, so it was all okay. Then the kids share some other work which i'm extremely amazed by and then we are asked to write something we value about each kid in the class. Then, these slips of paper will find their way in to bags for each person so each person gets a bag full of ways they are seen. Some kids spend an hour on their comments. I spend a long time because I don't know the kids that well but in the end I write some honest and interesting things. Then we open our bags and I ended up pasting each of my strips in my journal like the other kids. My favorite is by a kid with messy black writing "I really value how true to yourself you seem and how much your writing shows that." Most of them were about my writing as that's all these kids know about me. I was known as the writer, when really I don't think i spend THAT much time writing. Or maybe I do, maybe I don't really know myself all that well in the end. I am so sick of the Counting Crows, Weezer it is.

During lunch I was asked to repair some of the plastered hands while Emily went to the middle school to do something. I was really looking forward to doing it as then I would be able to get really messy. So, I ask the kids if anyone is going to hang out with me in Emilys room as I don't want to be by myself. A few kids agree, Emma, Becca, Kyle, Leiah and I tell them to read me some of their stuff to entertain me as I plaster. Some of the kids had written these lists which were their homework assignments and I listened to some of those. I listened to some Bus entries and they crowded around me begging me to hear. I was happy to listen to their stuff and I kept telling them to read me more ! or i'm going to have to put on my music. So, then we start talking about people we'd invite to our own islands, who are our closest friends. Then they ask for the 'gossip' which I tell them I can't share as they actually know the people involved. They beg and I stay strong. I ask them if they understood my bus entry and they nod but dont elaborate. After Emma reads me an entry she looks up, "I'm never going to write like you," she says. "Sure you will." I explain "But you write so Adult." "Adult?" "Yeah its so grownup and sophisticated." "Really?? That's only because i'm older than you in three years you wont think that." So now apparently I sound like an adult, which I don't mind. Somehow the conversation switches to Eric who obviously has a huge crush on Emma and i've been pestering her about it the entire time. Supposedly theirs this whole story that the families are friends... I don't know just this poor boy followed her around the entire time and it was fascinating to watch. And then I ask who've they've gone out with and tell them that going out early in middle school is stupid but that you really shouldn't listen to me any ways. Then Emma all innocent begs me to tell my first kiss story. I partly tell it but switch half way and tell my first kiss with Matt instead as it has a better build up and story. And I like him better any ways. They sit in awe completely amazed and after that I stop and refuse to talk about anything that involves anyone at school though they plead with me to slip up. Who do you like now? they ask scooting closer and closer.

After lunch Emily returns and the kids around me disperse giggling. We played that game where you go around the circle and pick out a 'silly object' and the people in the group have to explain why "That is sooooooo you because" We go around the circle and i'm still plastering and not paying much attention. When Emily says that we have to leave for Spring Fest I tell everyone i'll be gone when its over. Emilly shrieks like she does and goes "We have to do you then!" So i get to reach in to the back and I pull out silly putty. Kyle tells me its perfect because my last name has Egg in it and they are shaped like eggs and in the play I was Humpty Dumpty and it works out surprisingly well. Other people say a few other things and then Emily says in her perfect Emily way "Oh my gosh that is so you because in your next life your going to be really silly." I laugh i bet that's true, "But I mean you like in your next life you seem like your going to be a really silly person and it works out." It sounds weird writing it but I understood what she was getting at. But also besides that I think she kind of was hinting at me that in my next life I deserve to be really silly and i deserve that next. "Well," She continues "You might be silly already and you don't show me that but i dont know it seems like your waiting to be really silly." And that's hilarious as I find myself to be a really silly person. Then I realize that this side comes out that I hide because its not that normal you know, and that part that I hide isn't that silly and silly and joyful are two different things. It was interesting, and then it was amazing that five kids wanted to hug me goodbye. Three days and when I hugged Emily goodbye I felt like I was leaving this room of utter happiness.

While watching spring fest I was talking to Aja's mom and we were watching my brother and the fourth graders were singing black bird. Later I tell Sasha I liked that a lot, and he gives me this dumbfounded look and says clearly as day. "That song is so stupid."

7 Comments:

Blogger joe said...

did i comment on ur dads blog? yes, yes i did!

1:22 AM  
Blogger Henry said...

Haha. I leave for Arawon july 1st. I won't see you this summer.

9:14 PM  
Blogger Ruthie said...

ur dad writes really long entries too

4:01 PM  
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