Saturday, July 30, 2005

Meaning

I’m yelling quite loudly at my parents as I stand on our couch attempting to get them to understand. “I think your going through a phase,” this is what my dad says to make me finally stop rambling. “And,” he adds as an afterthought, “Your mother agrees with me.”
“What?” Mom attempts reassures me, “Everyone's going through phases at different times and this is a new phase that yes, you are in.” The parents look up at me waiting for my next move. I say the only thing I can say in this situation and I say it as loud as i possibly can. “I am NOT going through a phase!”

I had another strange dream two nights ago.
Later, when i tell Georgia about this dream sitting in the coffee shop she mildly nods. She messes with the straw lightly in her teeth twirling around the ice in her cup. She honestly could care less, and I wonder if its important I share this information at all. I come to the conclusion it is and go on though I know what Georgia's thinking about while I talk and trust me it definitely has nothing to do with me.
It would be so symbolic if my dreams all connected, I myself would be proud at my intellect. Instead they seem to be random, unexciting things to keep my restless mind content while i sleep. I had another one last night, i’m starting to really enjoy them.

This is the conversation we have right before I tell her about my dream. Georgia before i tell Georgia,
I comment to no one in general about my weirdness and georgia agrees with me saying, “Well of course your weird, i’ve known you for awhile and always known your weird.” Which strikes me as a very interesting thing to say and suddenly i desperately want to have this conversation. “But i am weird,”
“Yes, very very weird.” Which i still find fascinating because even i know I am not that odd, i mean, honestly, i can hold a conversation most of the time and i’m not strange, i’m just weird. Though i thought i was normalizing out but this normalization has brought this even larger confusion where i was actually weird before and now i’m normal and how is that possible, its just weird. But not even really, just in the context as we were partially comparing me to another person. So i bet she didn't actually mean weird at all, so none of this is actually relevant. fuck, thetas disappointing.
“But he’s so normal,” I say talking about this other person. "And apparently i’m weird.”
“No no, but see it works out well because you’re so weird and hes so super normal that hes normal for you both and your weird for you both. Does that make sense?” She looks up from the table. ‘It works really well, but you wouldn’t think it would you know.” She repeats the last line for emphasis. “It works really well.” Then she looks up at me somewhat pleading for a reason both of us know. “It has to work out really well.”
This is the part where i believe her because that will make everything easier. But i can’t help but wonder if were just bullshitting ourselves in this reality and making up things as we go along. Which is what we are doing, but I don’t care and i nod. “So,” I smirk finding this to be the perfect moment to discuss my dream, ruining any profoundness that could have been found in our conversation. “In this dream i’m hanging out with Joe and we’re going to sit and wait for these people and your in this dream but you don’t show up until after, and i sit on this log and Joe says, get this, Joe says...”
Which only makes me sound weird if you take it out of context.

Dru and I sit on the Regulator couch and discuss school, for an hour and a half. I come extremely close to touching the reason I don’t don’t want to go to school but we don’t. Maybe because I didn’t realize the reason until five minutes ago, literally. Then we eat at Elmos, then we talk about Harry Potter for half an hour. I desperately want the restaurant to play Weezer, for some reason it seems fitting. Photograph, I want them to play photograph so I can gasp and say something along the lines of “Ohhh my god I CAN NOT believe they are playing this song.” But they don’t and instead I mess with the ketchup on my plate and mention an interview I read somewhere.
Which is the same tone i discuss things with Sarah when she comes over. I lean over the bowl mixing in the eggs and she mentions Bruce Springsteen. It’s calm, wonderful and makes you feel as though your more interesting then you probably actually are. I love that feeling. Sarah calls me this morning and we talk and are interesting in each others lives for a few minutes before we graze upon the common ground of my mom, or nina, then we comment on seeing the other in the common presence of either my mom or nina and then we say nice goodbyes and both hang up and I feel good and go over the phone conversation in my head as I grab some milk.

The phone has been ringing for the past half hour and i happen to be the only one home. It’s been Sarah twice and Mariah the rest of the 5 times. My phone is on vibrate for a reason and i’ve slammed the door to try and drown out the ringing. I have a huge pet peeve of partially closed doors. This has led to many screaming matches at my brother as i attempt to get him to close the door without me having to get out of my bed. Last night I lay in bed for around two hours. I could have easily kept reading and fallen asleep faster but it was partially a challenge to see if I could fall asleep on my thoughts alone. I guess it worked because the last thing I remember is another very vivid dream involving me knowing something everyone else didn’t. Superiority. I was making pancakes this morning and carelessly realized i fear people looking down on me, and talking down to me. That and judgment are two very different things. Anyway i wont stay on this topic for long, I don’t want to be self reflective this morning.

Mariah calls me, it is one of the most boring conversation i’ve ever had. Their is no need to even explain the existent of it. I’ve hung up and now i’m mildly confused about what to do next. This comforting thought process leads me to staring at my computer screen wondering if their is any way i could get Jon Stewart to father my children. I realize their is none which is slightly disappointing. Myrian calls me downstairs to yell at me, which is something thetas been giving her a lot of joy this week. This is the reason I like to hide upstairs when I wake up. Supposedly i didn’t clean up the kitchen enough though it looks perfectly fine to me. She gives me a short lecture which i’ve learned to tune out very well. You stand, or sit on the counter and nod, say yes, agree, nod, apologize for whatever the fuck you did, nod, and think about how your going to get the ice cream out of the fridge without Myrian yelling again. Yesterday this lecture went on for about fifteen minutes, this morning i was spared at five. This kind of Superiority doesn’t make me mad, it just makes me better at pretending to care. I always do what she says though, because in the end shes always right
I know your trying to see the meaning behind my small casual overly personal remarks, i promise you they mean nothing. I swear that each one of these small sentences is just another way i use experience to end a paragraph. But, this is the time you tell me that it must mean something as everything does, or maybe you aren't and don’t care but the daughter of the psychiatrist in me is willing me to ask these questions. I will not admit to them meaning anything. This is all bullshit, I honestly don’t care. Right?
This entry’s jumping through time. It doesn’t have an actual logical placement. One thing happened yesterday, the other more than a week and a half ago. Most of it happened this morning. Just now I emailed Georgia. I asked her if I was going through a phase, of course thetas not all I said because even I can’t get away with an e-mail like that. I know what shes going to say when she writes back. She wont be definite, and she wont actually answer my question. I don’t mind, i knew she wouldn’t yet i want her to answer any ways.
I spend and hour in mad hatter talking about books and students with my teachers from TIP. With no offense to anyone who was part of my life this week, that was by far the best part. Though beating, no slaughtering Sasha and Sandi in Gin Rummy was quite an accomplishment. I sit and talk about the llama with my TA and fourth years then I find Nina. We talk, its great, i beg her to run away with me next week. She elects we should go camping then changes her mind when she remembers shes talking to me. Then she has to go to dinner so I leave.

Now, this is the part where i put my headphones in and drown out everything with music. But instead all I can think is that its way to fucking hot outside, if I think about TIP i’ll cry, and maybe Sandi’ll let me get Cosmic for dinner as i’ve eaten nothing today and its five at night.
I stand waiting for someone to stop to let me cross the street for a few minutes. No ones stopping and I stand their waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
Which i’m hoping is some kind of metaphor but i really don’t think it is.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Analyze

This is me, one in the morning in front of my mirror. I'm in my new PJ's and a t-shirt that i found in my closet yesterday which was nice. I momentarily play with my hair and then stand there with my hands over my mouth just kind of thinking. Sad that i'm thinking about topher grace instead of the millions of other more interesting things happening around me. Whatever, i run my fingers through my hair again. I desperately want to turn on Bruce Springsteen and it takes me awhile to finally find myself in bed. Lately everything takes awhile. Why Springsteen? I turn it low, i’m afraid of waking my parents up. Suddenly i don’t want them to know anything about me. I’m experimenting with myself it seems.I keep telling myself i’m getting closer but i keep changing my mind. I’m stubborn, have you realized by now? I’m stubborn and opinionated and non-commitive and- and- i can’t stop staring at the red blinking light on my ceiling. My blinds are partially open and the lines look like bars, prison bars. The sky outside is pink tinted and for some reason i can’t believe outside is home, durham, or at least not one in the morning. Springsteen got old so i switched to Ben, why do i hold on to music so much for my emotions? Why do i cling to it as if my identity... i don't know. The reason i have nothing to say is because i understand it so perfectly and for the first time i don’t want everyone to know. Do you believe it? Well fucking-A i’ve grown up.

I can’t do this right now.

I don’t know why

I wasn’t going to put this on my blog. Because my blog was this thing where i could write anything. Well obviously i can’t do that anymore and i’m sitting in my room and writing these entries in my head and their poet and perfect. Then i sit down and write them and i sound like a whiny bitch were i’m complaining about my perfect life. Then you realize that people understand you .... and thats the last thing you want to admit. Because i feel like i’m not allowed to complain, i’m not allowed to actually talk about shit thats going on. Why? because i have no reason to complain about anything and i hate people who make things out to be awful when really they aren't. See i’m complaining now! haha its like existential class on the first day! So, this is the deal i haven’t been wanting to write anything. I haven’t wanted to actually type down it all because its so stupid and trivial but maybe as i slowly want to write about things going on in my head i’m ganna publish them. Like tomorrow when i’m home, alone because no one fucking is here. And no one is going to give me shit about complaining and over analyzing everything (which i discovered is the reason i’m going to end up alone... but thats another story)Well i wasn’t ganna publish this, but i thought you guys needed an update. I’m fine, fencing camp was amazing despite the fact that has it now lies matt and i aren't talking... but see for some reason i really don’t know why i think everything is hilariously funny. Like Sam being an asshole to me, or not talking to matt for example, or being yelled at by the Avid video guy, or myrians snide comments about the baking soda i spilled. I just don’t care.

I just can’t take anything seriously. Which might lead me in to big trouble, which would give me something to do this summer.

Monday, July 18, 2005

I

i love thunderstorms

i've decided i want to stay exactly where i am for awhile

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Dante

DANTE IS THE BEST MEXICAN EVER


.... better now?

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Explosion

My lamp exploded

Actually thats a lie. My lamp started hissing above me while i was on my bed this morning and when i look up sparks are flying from it. Yeah, and its still hissing. So i'm terrified and can't see anything cause my contacts arn't in and i run out of the room, stand by my doorway flick the lightswitch until it stops hissing and sparks arn't flying anymore. Then i go and sit back at my computer and forget about it completely after twenty seconds. Then the room starts to smell and the fire alarm goes off so i run downstairs thinking no ones home. But actually my dads upstairs in his study and couldn't find me as i was downstairs and then we opened my windows and it doesn't smell as bad anymore. But i'm avoiding the spot where the lamp is hanging, my mom would be so mad if it killed me.

I'm off to fencing camp for a week. Joy. I'll see you guys later.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Dough

And to the Terrorist attacks in London... Unbelievable and I have nothing to say, I have nothing I can say except what's wrong with this world. Makes you realize it could happen anywhere we're never safe. Is this life? What's the point their trying to make, its not London's fucking fault. In the NY times article yesterday bush is quoted saying that he couldn't believe someone would do this to a group of folks. A GROUP OF FOLKS. God dammit this world is filled with idiots.

I don't remember what day it is, its terrifying. I sat in the kitchen today and kept trying to remember if it was Wednesday or Thursday, and if that was important or really it didn't matter anyway.

Okay, So I haven't written since Saturday right? I haven't written for a reason, I just haven't wanted to. I've been at my computer, watching Sex and the City, or Jon Stewart, or uploading camp photos and I kept checking on my blog as if I thought something would write itself. That didn't happen, and by Monday I was hoping that I would get my act together because it was getting tedious staring at the same entry over and over. I've never put off writing something so much, well a blog entry atleast. It's not that i had nothing to say, on the contrary I have way to much to say. So i've been thinking about this blog and the sudden urge not to write. On Tuesday I attempted to catch up on the entries on my friends blogs. Dammit, who knew people could write so much in three weeks. So yeah and while i'm reading them I got fucking jealous. Why the fuck does Henry have 14 comments while I have nine on the most commented entry. It was one of those times when you think everyone is going to love you when you come back and instead no ones around. Not that I needed that love, for the first time its not necessary. Told you i'm kind of a bitch. But seriously who actually reads this entire thing all the way through? Seriously, on Tuesday bored out of my mind on a friends blog I just searched for my name. Afterwards I read the entire thing because i felt like I had to and it was something to do at two in the morning. So yes jealousy and complete uninterested has led this blog to being unupdated.

These are the things I think about while I lean against the counter in the kitchen with a spoon, attempting to find the cookie dough bits in the Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream. The spoon hits the bottom, i've eaten all the cookie dough bits. I don't like chocolate ice cream that much.

So, (shit i have to stop saying that) as unintelligent as I am i'm writing this blog entry and get distracted because I want to look up someone on my space and I find a TIP group, and then another TIP group on live journal and before i know it i'm reading every live journal connected to TIP that I can find and i'm finding all these random pictures of my friends and slowly i'm sinking lower and lower in to my bed. I miss it way to much. I love all those people so much and for the first time in a week I finally realized its over. Now i'm in this awful depressive mood that nothing is fixing, including that amazing Banana bread I made this afternoon. Dammit, you have no idea how much I miss it. I told Jennifer online and she was being really sweet, yeah, she says, its kind of like home. Then I had to sign off really quickly and raid that half baked for more cookie dough bits but they were all gone. I'm downstairs now with my mom actually. I'm on the floor and shes listening to counting crows as usual. I just discovered a fire detector above the the thing that leads towards the stairs. Shit, what an awful description, i'll show you next time you come to my house. I've made my mom stop playing her counting crows songs... I can't listen to Round Here for the thousandth time. I should be upstairs right now, but i'm to tired to move. I hate my personality sometimes, I know when i'm not being nice, but I can't stop it. You learn way to much about your personality at TIP.

"said i should have put her back there if i could... everyone needs a better day and i'm trying to find me a better way..."

I'm so impatient I can't listen to ends of songs.... It rained again today. I haven't ever been able to sleep with my blinds open, i've always been scared someone will be able to see in. I don't even think i'm scared anymore but its an etched in fear. The same fear of sticking your fingers in to a fan. Gus proved to me with plastic fans nothing happens to your fingers. I was in awe. I've given up on trying to stop biting my fingernails. Its a lost cause, i bite them, i always will, theirs no point in restricting myself. Though I found the only person my age who has the same size hands as me and she happened to live behind me this entire time. Nina and I were both amazed when the others hands weren't bigger. Fourth of July we went to Bean Traders after sitting on those things at Oval park and drinking lemonade. We ordered iced chais and sat downstairs for two hours before ordering steamers, then sitting another hour before ordering flavored hot chocolate and talking another hour. Yesterday my dad took a break from the Bar Study and we ended up driving to the Healthy Back Store to get him a new back cushion and I found a mattress with a remote and drove the man working there insane while I played with it for ten minutes. You could move the top and bottom and bend it in all these weird ways.

Then we bought a treadmill. So now our dining room has a treadmill that got delivered while I was making banana bread today. I didn't change out of my Spider man PJ's all day. On the way to Raleigh to get the treadmill/starbucks/look longingly at remote controlled mattresses/starbucks again (you think i'm kidding about how much time I spend buying coffee with different people) dad and I messed around with the CD's in the car. We ended up shutting up after awhile and listening to Joni Mitchell which lead us to discussing interesting woman and love, which is the place where i disagree with Foucaut's theory's. As I tried to explain in class, love from parents to kids or family, or just people is natural and not formed because of the society. I had paused then continued, Maybe this is just me hoping that its authentic love but I refuse to believe love is conventional. I can't believe that yet, not now.

We have someone who's been hanging out with the babies at night while my mom writes her paper. He just graduated from Duke and after the babies went to bed we ended up talking about the Democratic National Convention for fifteen minutes over chinese. He was there. My moms ganna kill me for saying this but its amazing how my parents relationship has changed lately. I feel like i'm not wincing when one makes a not so helpful comment suddenly everything isn't a struggle. Last night we ate dinner together, well me and my parents and somehow the conversation got to Wills which my dad is studying in BAR study. "Dad and I found the worst place to be buried." I say laughing. "Yeah we did, Right off the highway no tombstones or anything."
"Yeah, instead these awful fake flowers" So suddenly were talking about burying my parents and their being so connected and keep being like "Aw honey i want to be buried next to you." So yeah thats sweet but never have they been like this for a week straight. My mom wants to be cremated but changes her mind when dad says he doesn't. But see, I explain, i'm completely atheist. Yeah, me too. My mom says. My dad shakes his head and messes with the food on his plate. Yeah you guys don't know what your talking about.

Weird sometimes I feel like an only child. Though i've been hanging out with my brother more than ever. Though I was attempting to tell him about my dream last night and i was like well i lied down on this bed and my brother coils back thinking i'm going to tell him something he doesn't want to hear. It wasn't like that, i laugh. Theirs no point he doesn't care about my dream anywise.

So Gus just told me hes reading my blog and he says its nice. I don't know if thats a sly insult or a really sweet compliment. I want it to be a compliment so i'm going with that.

It's taken me 3 days to finish this. Its not even that long. Shit.. i have to call adam and my grandma.... and finish Georgias letter. Though I woke up this morning and watched the OC with Ryan and Marrisa on the Ferris Wheel. *sigh* which i believe is Nina's favorite episode. I also realized Summer and Seth don't have a very good first kiss which is kind of disappointing when your thinking about episodes to watch. Hehe i love my OC.... the season two comes out on DVD August 23rd. I bought an EP by Ben Kweller, Ben Folds, and Ben Lee... this one song crossfire wont get out of my head. Hm, you know what would be good, Cookie dough ice cream not only in my freezer but maybe a pint of heath bar too. Or maybe just convincing my dad to get me a magazine. Summers treating me well.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Eh

eh... i'm back