Saturday, July 23, 2005


This is me, one in the morning in front of my mirror. I'm in my new PJ's and a t-shirt that i found in my closet yesterday which was nice. I momentarily play with my hair and then stand there with my hands over my mouth just kind of thinking. Sad that i'm thinking about topher grace instead of the millions of other more interesting things happening around me. Whatever, i run my fingers through my hair again. I desperately want to turn on Bruce Springsteen and it takes me awhile to finally find myself in bed. Lately everything takes awhile. Why Springsteen? I turn it low, i’m afraid of waking my parents up. Suddenly i don’t want them to know anything about me. I’m experimenting with myself it seems.I keep telling myself i’m getting closer but i keep changing my mind. I’m stubborn, have you realized by now? I’m stubborn and opinionated and non-commitive and- and- i can’t stop staring at the red blinking light on my ceiling. My blinds are partially open and the lines look like bars, prison bars. The sky outside is pink tinted and for some reason i can’t believe outside is home, durham, or at least not one in the morning. Springsteen got old so i switched to Ben, why do i hold on to music so much for my emotions? Why do i cling to it as if my identity... i don't know. The reason i have nothing to say is because i understand it so perfectly and for the first time i don’t want everyone to know. Do you believe it? Well fucking-A i’ve grown up.

I can’t do this right now.

I don’t know why

I wasn’t going to put this on my blog. Because my blog was this thing where i could write anything. Well obviously i can’t do that anymore and i’m sitting in my room and writing these entries in my head and their poet and perfect. Then i sit down and write them and i sound like a whiny bitch were i’m complaining about my perfect life. Then you realize that people understand you .... and thats the last thing you want to admit. Because i feel like i’m not allowed to complain, i’m not allowed to actually talk about shit thats going on. Why? because i have no reason to complain about anything and i hate people who make things out to be awful when really they aren't. See i’m complaining now! haha its like existential class on the first day! So, this is the deal i haven’t been wanting to write anything. I haven’t wanted to actually type down it all because its so stupid and trivial but maybe as i slowly want to write about things going on in my head i’m ganna publish them. Like tomorrow when i’m home, alone because no one fucking is here. And no one is going to give me shit about complaining and over analyzing everything (which i discovered is the reason i’m going to end up alone... but thats another story)Well i wasn’t ganna publish this, but i thought you guys needed an update. I’m fine, fencing camp was amazing despite the fact that has it now lies matt and i aren't talking... but see for some reason i really don’t know why i think everything is hilariously funny. Like Sam being an asshole to me, or not talking to matt for example, or being yelled at by the Avid video guy, or myrians snide comments about the baking soda i spilled. I just don’t care.

I just can’t take anything seriously. Which might lead me in to big trouble, which would give me something to do this summer.


Blogger Maddie said...

Meet me at RDU at 7:00 tomorrow morning if you still want to stowaway. Be sure to bring yorkie costume and oversized dog carrier.

9:38 PM  

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