Friday, July 08, 2005


And to the Terrorist attacks in London... Unbelievable and I have nothing to say, I have nothing I can say except what's wrong with this world. Makes you realize it could happen anywhere we're never safe. Is this life? What's the point their trying to make, its not London's fucking fault. In the NY times article yesterday bush is quoted saying that he couldn't believe someone would do this to a group of folks. A GROUP OF FOLKS. God dammit this world is filled with idiots.

I don't remember what day it is, its terrifying. I sat in the kitchen today and kept trying to remember if it was Wednesday or Thursday, and if that was important or really it didn't matter anyway.

Okay, So I haven't written since Saturday right? I haven't written for a reason, I just haven't wanted to. I've been at my computer, watching Sex and the City, or Jon Stewart, or uploading camp photos and I kept checking on my blog as if I thought something would write itself. That didn't happen, and by Monday I was hoping that I would get my act together because it was getting tedious staring at the same entry over and over. I've never put off writing something so much, well a blog entry atleast. It's not that i had nothing to say, on the contrary I have way to much to say. So i've been thinking about this blog and the sudden urge not to write. On Tuesday I attempted to catch up on the entries on my friends blogs. Dammit, who knew people could write so much in three weeks. So yeah and while i'm reading them I got fucking jealous. Why the fuck does Henry have 14 comments while I have nine on the most commented entry. It was one of those times when you think everyone is going to love you when you come back and instead no ones around. Not that I needed that love, for the first time its not necessary. Told you i'm kind of a bitch. But seriously who actually reads this entire thing all the way through? Seriously, on Tuesday bored out of my mind on a friends blog I just searched for my name. Afterwards I read the entire thing because i felt like I had to and it was something to do at two in the morning. So yes jealousy and complete uninterested has led this blog to being unupdated.

These are the things I think about while I lean against the counter in the kitchen with a spoon, attempting to find the cookie dough bits in the Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream. The spoon hits the bottom, i've eaten all the cookie dough bits. I don't like chocolate ice cream that much.

So, (shit i have to stop saying that) as unintelligent as I am i'm writing this blog entry and get distracted because I want to look up someone on my space and I find a TIP group, and then another TIP group on live journal and before i know it i'm reading every live journal connected to TIP that I can find and i'm finding all these random pictures of my friends and slowly i'm sinking lower and lower in to my bed. I miss it way to much. I love all those people so much and for the first time in a week I finally realized its over. Now i'm in this awful depressive mood that nothing is fixing, including that amazing Banana bread I made this afternoon. Dammit, you have no idea how much I miss it. I told Jennifer online and she was being really sweet, yeah, she says, its kind of like home. Then I had to sign off really quickly and raid that half baked for more cookie dough bits but they were all gone. I'm downstairs now with my mom actually. I'm on the floor and shes listening to counting crows as usual. I just discovered a fire detector above the the thing that leads towards the stairs. Shit, what an awful description, i'll show you next time you come to my house. I've made my mom stop playing her counting crows songs... I can't listen to Round Here for the thousandth time. I should be upstairs right now, but i'm to tired to move. I hate my personality sometimes, I know when i'm not being nice, but I can't stop it. You learn way to much about your personality at TIP.

"said i should have put her back there if i could... everyone needs a better day and i'm trying to find me a better way..."

I'm so impatient I can't listen to ends of songs.... It rained again today. I haven't ever been able to sleep with my blinds open, i've always been scared someone will be able to see in. I don't even think i'm scared anymore but its an etched in fear. The same fear of sticking your fingers in to a fan. Gus proved to me with plastic fans nothing happens to your fingers. I was in awe. I've given up on trying to stop biting my fingernails. Its a lost cause, i bite them, i always will, theirs no point in restricting myself. Though I found the only person my age who has the same size hands as me and she happened to live behind me this entire time. Nina and I were both amazed when the others hands weren't bigger. Fourth of July we went to Bean Traders after sitting on those things at Oval park and drinking lemonade. We ordered iced chais and sat downstairs for two hours before ordering steamers, then sitting another hour before ordering flavored hot chocolate and talking another hour. Yesterday my dad took a break from the Bar Study and we ended up driving to the Healthy Back Store to get him a new back cushion and I found a mattress with a remote and drove the man working there insane while I played with it for ten minutes. You could move the top and bottom and bend it in all these weird ways.

Then we bought a treadmill. So now our dining room has a treadmill that got delivered while I was making banana bread today. I didn't change out of my Spider man PJ's all day. On the way to Raleigh to get the treadmill/starbucks/look longingly at remote controlled mattresses/starbucks again (you think i'm kidding about how much time I spend buying coffee with different people) dad and I messed around with the CD's in the car. We ended up shutting up after awhile and listening to Joni Mitchell which lead us to discussing interesting woman and love, which is the place where i disagree with Foucaut's theory's. As I tried to explain in class, love from parents to kids or family, or just people is natural and not formed because of the society. I had paused then continued, Maybe this is just me hoping that its authentic love but I refuse to believe love is conventional. I can't believe that yet, not now.

We have someone who's been hanging out with the babies at night while my mom writes her paper. He just graduated from Duke and after the babies went to bed we ended up talking about the Democratic National Convention for fifteen minutes over chinese. He was there. My moms ganna kill me for saying this but its amazing how my parents relationship has changed lately. I feel like i'm not wincing when one makes a not so helpful comment suddenly everything isn't a struggle. Last night we ate dinner together, well me and my parents and somehow the conversation got to Wills which my dad is studying in BAR study. "Dad and I found the worst place to be buried." I say laughing. "Yeah we did, Right off the highway no tombstones or anything."
"Yeah, instead these awful fake flowers" So suddenly were talking about burying my parents and their being so connected and keep being like "Aw honey i want to be buried next to you." So yeah thats sweet but never have they been like this for a week straight. My mom wants to be cremated but changes her mind when dad says he doesn't. But see, I explain, i'm completely atheist. Yeah, me too. My mom says. My dad shakes his head and messes with the food on his plate. Yeah you guys don't know what your talking about.

Weird sometimes I feel like an only child. Though i've been hanging out with my brother more than ever. Though I was attempting to tell him about my dream last night and i was like well i lied down on this bed and my brother coils back thinking i'm going to tell him something he doesn't want to hear. It wasn't like that, i laugh. Theirs no point he doesn't care about my dream anywise.

So Gus just told me hes reading my blog and he says its nice. I don't know if thats a sly insult or a really sweet compliment. I want it to be a compliment so i'm going with that.

It's taken me 3 days to finish this. Its not even that long. Shit.. i have to call adam and my grandma.... and finish Georgias letter. Though I woke up this morning and watched the OC with Ryan and Marrisa on the Ferris Wheel. *sigh* which i believe is Nina's favorite episode. I also realized Summer and Seth don't have a very good first kiss which is kind of disappointing when your thinking about episodes to watch. Hehe i love my OC.... the season two comes out on DVD August 23rd. I bought an EP by Ben Kweller, Ben Folds, and Ben Lee... this one song crossfire wont get out of my head. Hm, you know what would be good, Cookie dough ice cream not only in my freezer but maybe a pint of heath bar too. Or maybe just convincing my dad to get me a magazine. Summers treating me well.


Blogger joe said...


5:22 PM  
Blogger Ruthie said...

hahaha I DIDNT READ IT! but it sounded really good...ya i purposely didnt like read the newspaper or anything cuz i didnt wanna know about the attacks and i know thats bad and stuff but theres nothing i can do and enough is enough already!


3:35 PM  
Blogger conviser said...

Sometimes it takes three days just to know what you are trying to say. Or two weeks. I just posted on buythebar after a long gap of no extra energy for anything -- for some reason I feel today like I've hit already my low and am headed back up. Hope that's the way its gonna be for you too.

8:04 PM  
Blogger maxine said...

i read the whole thing.
okay, would you rather be buried, and rot in the ground for eternity or have your body burned? neither one sounds very good to me. that is going to seem completely random, but everything is about death lately. all these people are just dying. wow that sounds really lame.

10:51 PM  

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