Saturday, July 30, 2005

Meaning

I’m yelling quite loudly at my parents as I stand on our couch attempting to get them to understand. “I think your going through a phase,” this is what my dad says to make me finally stop rambling. “And,” he adds as an afterthought, “Your mother agrees with me.”
“What?” Mom attempts reassures me, “Everyone's going through phases at different times and this is a new phase that yes, you are in.” The parents look up at me waiting for my next move. I say the only thing I can say in this situation and I say it as loud as i possibly can. “I am NOT going through a phase!”

I had another strange dream two nights ago.
Later, when i tell Georgia about this dream sitting in the coffee shop she mildly nods. She messes with the straw lightly in her teeth twirling around the ice in her cup. She honestly could care less, and I wonder if its important I share this information at all. I come to the conclusion it is and go on though I know what Georgia's thinking about while I talk and trust me it definitely has nothing to do with me.
It would be so symbolic if my dreams all connected, I myself would be proud at my intellect. Instead they seem to be random, unexciting things to keep my restless mind content while i sleep. I had another one last night, i’m starting to really enjoy them.

This is the conversation we have right before I tell her about my dream. Georgia before i tell Georgia,
I comment to no one in general about my weirdness and georgia agrees with me saying, “Well of course your weird, i’ve known you for awhile and always known your weird.” Which strikes me as a very interesting thing to say and suddenly i desperately want to have this conversation. “But i am weird,”
“Yes, very very weird.” Which i still find fascinating because even i know I am not that odd, i mean, honestly, i can hold a conversation most of the time and i’m not strange, i’m just weird. Though i thought i was normalizing out but this normalization has brought this even larger confusion where i was actually weird before and now i’m normal and how is that possible, its just weird. But not even really, just in the context as we were partially comparing me to another person. So i bet she didn't actually mean weird at all, so none of this is actually relevant. fuck, thetas disappointing.
“But he’s so normal,” I say talking about this other person. "And apparently i’m weird.”
“No no, but see it works out well because you’re so weird and hes so super normal that hes normal for you both and your weird for you both. Does that make sense?” She looks up from the table. ‘It works really well, but you wouldn’t think it would you know.” She repeats the last line for emphasis. “It works really well.” Then she looks up at me somewhat pleading for a reason both of us know. “It has to work out really well.”
This is the part where i believe her because that will make everything easier. But i can’t help but wonder if were just bullshitting ourselves in this reality and making up things as we go along. Which is what we are doing, but I don’t care and i nod. “So,” I smirk finding this to be the perfect moment to discuss my dream, ruining any profoundness that could have been found in our conversation. “In this dream i’m hanging out with Joe and we’re going to sit and wait for these people and your in this dream but you don’t show up until after, and i sit on this log and Joe says, get this, Joe says...”
Which only makes me sound weird if you take it out of context.

Dru and I sit on the Regulator couch and discuss school, for an hour and a half. I come extremely close to touching the reason I don’t don’t want to go to school but we don’t. Maybe because I didn’t realize the reason until five minutes ago, literally. Then we eat at Elmos, then we talk about Harry Potter for half an hour. I desperately want the restaurant to play Weezer, for some reason it seems fitting. Photograph, I want them to play photograph so I can gasp and say something along the lines of “Ohhh my god I CAN NOT believe they are playing this song.” But they don’t and instead I mess with the ketchup on my plate and mention an interview I read somewhere.
Which is the same tone i discuss things with Sarah when she comes over. I lean over the bowl mixing in the eggs and she mentions Bruce Springsteen. It’s calm, wonderful and makes you feel as though your more interesting then you probably actually are. I love that feeling. Sarah calls me this morning and we talk and are interesting in each others lives for a few minutes before we graze upon the common ground of my mom, or nina, then we comment on seeing the other in the common presence of either my mom or nina and then we say nice goodbyes and both hang up and I feel good and go over the phone conversation in my head as I grab some milk.

The phone has been ringing for the past half hour and i happen to be the only one home. It’s been Sarah twice and Mariah the rest of the 5 times. My phone is on vibrate for a reason and i’ve slammed the door to try and drown out the ringing. I have a huge pet peeve of partially closed doors. This has led to many screaming matches at my brother as i attempt to get him to close the door without me having to get out of my bed. Last night I lay in bed for around two hours. I could have easily kept reading and fallen asleep faster but it was partially a challenge to see if I could fall asleep on my thoughts alone. I guess it worked because the last thing I remember is another very vivid dream involving me knowing something everyone else didn’t. Superiority. I was making pancakes this morning and carelessly realized i fear people looking down on me, and talking down to me. That and judgment are two very different things. Anyway i wont stay on this topic for long, I don’t want to be self reflective this morning.

Mariah calls me, it is one of the most boring conversation i’ve ever had. Their is no need to even explain the existent of it. I’ve hung up and now i’m mildly confused about what to do next. This comforting thought process leads me to staring at my computer screen wondering if their is any way i could get Jon Stewart to father my children. I realize their is none which is slightly disappointing. Myrian calls me downstairs to yell at me, which is something thetas been giving her a lot of joy this week. This is the reason I like to hide upstairs when I wake up. Supposedly i didn’t clean up the kitchen enough though it looks perfectly fine to me. She gives me a short lecture which i’ve learned to tune out very well. You stand, or sit on the counter and nod, say yes, agree, nod, apologize for whatever the fuck you did, nod, and think about how your going to get the ice cream out of the fridge without Myrian yelling again. Yesterday this lecture went on for about fifteen minutes, this morning i was spared at five. This kind of Superiority doesn’t make me mad, it just makes me better at pretending to care. I always do what she says though, because in the end shes always right
I know your trying to see the meaning behind my small casual overly personal remarks, i promise you they mean nothing. I swear that each one of these small sentences is just another way i use experience to end a paragraph. But, this is the time you tell me that it must mean something as everything does, or maybe you aren't and don’t care but the daughter of the psychiatrist in me is willing me to ask these questions. I will not admit to them meaning anything. This is all bullshit, I honestly don’t care. Right?
This entry’s jumping through time. It doesn’t have an actual logical placement. One thing happened yesterday, the other more than a week and a half ago. Most of it happened this morning. Just now I emailed Georgia. I asked her if I was going through a phase, of course thetas not all I said because even I can’t get away with an e-mail like that. I know what shes going to say when she writes back. She wont be definite, and she wont actually answer my question. I don’t mind, i knew she wouldn’t yet i want her to answer any ways.
I spend and hour in mad hatter talking about books and students with my teachers from TIP. With no offense to anyone who was part of my life this week, that was by far the best part. Though beating, no slaughtering Sasha and Sandi in Gin Rummy was quite an accomplishment. I sit and talk about the llama with my TA and fourth years then I find Nina. We talk, its great, i beg her to run away with me next week. She elects we should go camping then changes her mind when she remembers shes talking to me. Then she has to go to dinner so I leave.

Now, this is the part where i put my headphones in and drown out everything with music. But instead all I can think is that its way to fucking hot outside, if I think about TIP i’ll cry, and maybe Sandi’ll let me get Cosmic for dinner as i’ve eaten nothing today and its five at night.
I stand waiting for someone to stop to let me cross the street for a few minutes. No ones stopping and I stand their waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
Which i’m hoping is some kind of metaphor but i really don’t think it is.

3 Comments:

Blogger georgia said...

i was SO listening when you talked about your dream! you rolled off right before everyone else came in! haha

9:44 PM  
Blogger joe said...

YO! what did i say?!?! and your weird indeed but its not necesarily bad. annnnnd POK

10:04 AM  
Blogger conviser said...

". . . just another way I use experience to end a paragraph." That's good. Very good. But this whole TIP existentialism thing seems to be making you awfully self-conscious. Not that there's anything wrong with it. . .

5:24 PM  

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