Wednesday, August 31, 2005


Classes are...

1st-Foundations Of Lit. With Jamie
2nd-Introduction to Physical Science With Matt
3rd-African American Lit. With Jamie
4th-Intigrated 310/ Trig. With Dave
5th-Spanish II With Rob
6th-Middle School TA
7th-Beginning Acting With Susan
8th-Orientation Class

Mostly so I will Remember

Life's pretty boring

I ran in to Matt, the teacher, like ran ran in to him. During meeting for worship today Dru turns to me after Benjamin talked and says quietly in my ear, "hello captain obvious." I laughed for awhile, though i suppose it wasn't that funny. And Dylan imitated Juliettes brother in an english accent which was the best thing about lunch. Oh and during meeting for worship Sam Miron did an interpretive dance that was very very wonderful.

All my classes are really small, all except math. I think first period has like eight or ten, same with second and third. Fourth period is a huge, i think it has 18. But Matt told us, his second period class that being smaller is a lot better. I just think its weird not to be in classes with half our grade. I feel so separated from a lot of people, mostly ones in second period math. Dave, during fourth period asks us random questions as he calls our name. Dru and I were sitting next to each other and being like shit! i hope he doesn't ask us anything hard cause older people are in the class. He asked me if its worse having him as a temporary advisor or a teacher... I had no idea what to say and then was like, teacher because i'm stuck with you all year. I didn't think it was that funny and everyone else thought so and all i could think was YES i made sophomores and juniors laugh. Which shows how insignificant i've been feeling these past days. Spanish will be uh... all right i suppose.

I just bit my cuticle so my fingers bleeding, its really gross and really hurts. I'm ganna go get a Band-Aid. Seriously this is all that's interesting going on in my life. Oh right fencing sucked. The first time its actually ever sucked. It was deathly hot in there and i was scared matt would walk in any moment and didn't want him to and i was tired and upset and i did awful. I really don't want to talk about what i'm thinking though. Not now, not for awhile. My parents accuse me and whatever they say i say i'm not doing it. Or that yes i'm fine. Your acting weird, no i'm not. Are you okay, yeah i'm fine. Your having a fit, no no i'm not. Your freaking out, no no i'm not. ITs just me, messed up right now hoping that things don't end up a huge disappointment.

Sunday, August 28, 2005


and its the most interesting thing when you realize the reason after three months why you like school so much better then your home.

The best part of vacation was realizing that Dad and I had both read the same article about jellyfish in the NY times while i was at tip. The story was really cool. Both of us attempt to explain to our guide about the complexity of jellyfish and we both realize were talking about the same article. That was pretty awesome...

and i really like them
and these guys

Friday, August 26, 2005

Canada Eh?


and i'm back.


I love Salt spring Its my favorite place in the world.

and Joe just made my life with a joke. I'm out of the bitter mood i was in the last two hours.

But I finished the summer reading on the plane this afternoon. I loved one and the other one annoyed the shit out of me for a lot of reasons. Not saying that learning about race isn't highly important and not saying that the story wasn't amazing but still, it was a terribly written book that's I hate books that talk about families. I'm to annoyed at the world to enjoy things like that. So that gave me something to complain about, though the other book was amazing. But read the Graphic Novel, Persepolisbecause its actually interesting though everyone seems to hate it in my grade. What's with that?

The highlight was Oliver calling me Mommy though. I was baby-sitting them for a few hours one morning while my parents and Sasha went on a walk. And he goes "Mommy, will you get me some orange juice." And I grinned at him, "You just called me Mommy, you just called me mommy." He corrects himself automatically, "Becca will you get me some orange juice." Leo jumps in, You just called her Mommy! We make fun of him and then i pour him orange juice before i teach them how to bump down the stairs.

I played a lot of Pokemon with Sasha, I forgot how completely addicting it is and how amazing you feel when you grow Charizard another level. Its like your god except the people aren't real... But Leo and Oliver are cute and Leo knows all the words to Yellow Submarine which is his favorite. While Oliver knows all the words to Maxwell's Silver Hammer and likes it best. They also know all of When i'm 64 which is my favorite to watch them sing...

And to drive my parents insane i taught them to sing a song in the car...
Mmmmm Ah went the little green frog one day
Mmm Ah went the little green frog
Mmm Ah went the little green frog one day
and his eyes went Mmm Ah Mmm Ah Ah

Vroom Vroom went the big gray truck one day
Squish Squish went the little green frog
And his Eyes didn't go Mmm Ah anymore
cause they got eaten by a dog

Again, *sigh*

Monday, August 15, 2005


i'm going at five in the morning tomorrow to canada... and my mom is not letting me bring my computer so i'm disconnected for ten days. I'm in an awfull mood though i probably have no reason to be.

"But, please remember me fondly i heard from someone your still pretty and they went on to say that the pearly gates has some elequent graffiti like words like lost and found and dont look down and someone saved temptation and please remeber me, seldomly"

shit iron and wine is stuck in my head. I can't think of anything... nothing...i have a lot to think about but nothing to say. I found a cool band on myspace today, and that was exciting. Also at Elmos last week a guy was sitting on the bench and Nina told me he worked at Bean Traders. I agreed and we ended up fighting over if he was jewish or not...He was and i attempted to explain this to Nina. He was working their today, at bean traders when i got my latte. I started to wonder if he was jewish and gay because he looks like the actor in Angels in America but then of course that actor probably isn't gay at all. I was about to ask him if he was jewish but instead i looked out of the window for awhile debating if i should say anything. I realized i probably shouldn't.

I just remebered that gus and george didnt ever succeede in teaching me how to tackle...Damn i was so bad at that



Saturday, August 13, 2005


via the post :

Yesterday's announcement that Courtney Love had tested positive for drugs came as no surprise to anyone who attended the Comedy Central roast of Pamela Anderson Sunday night at the Sony Studios in L.A. Love was "out of it" when she arrived. On the red carpet, she slammed her head into a photographer's lens while posing for a close-up, a source said. During the roast, Love, seated on the dais, repeatedly flashed her crotch at the crowd, pulled up her shirt to reveal a lacy black bra and shouted "Drugs on the house!" She babbled incoherently into the microphone for ten minutes — prompting more than a few people to tell the rocker to be quiet. After Love shouted, "I'm sober over a year now," host Jimmy Kimmel said, "If this is sober, there is a real problem." One audience member snickered, "She makes Andy Dick look like a choirboy." The roast will be televised Sunday at 10.


though i still love her

Friday, August 12, 2005


i've been staring at this red light on my cealing for the last twenty minutes. I know its been twenty minutes because i started right when the watch, the one i got when i was about nine beeped. This watch beeps exactly seven minutes before the hour, years ago got attached to this setting and its the only way i ever know how long i've been not sleeping. If you roll your eyes while watching this red light it moves. I think its the fire alarm. It only moves if you roll your eyes though, if you move them side to side it stays exactly where it is. Well its about twenty minutes since seven until one. So i guess then its a little after one. I keep lying there, and once in awhile this memory will come up and i'll roll over on to my pillow grinning because its so rediculously great. Like the time where we all tried to walk on the wall in the study room in Alspaugh, and Dylan taught us. Or the last day of camp, and Michael sitting on the bed next to me and i see him so clearly being so... so... him. Or two years ago that time where, or last summer when... I tried to get my room as dark as possible but thats not the problem. I have to wake up early tomorrow and i swore to my dad i'd be cheerfull. Go to bed, he told me at twelve. Well i'm in bed, i promise. Remembering moments always make me want for the moments again. But haven't i achieved the feeling of the moment already? Isn't it enough that I had the experiance and can always remember that. I suppose. Maybe i shouldn't think about that right now. I always wonder what other people think about when their trying to sleep.

hm, why do teachers thing writing poetry advances our intelligence. It might make us more soulfull or interesting but why are we required to right cinquains and hiaku's when really we know no one actually makes an effort to make them good if their for a teacher. I hated second period last year and no one realized why. That made it special in some way, i have a secret, not a very good one but still. Or the secret that i always have to sleep facing away from the wall, on my back because i'm scared of things...And i used to (and sometimes still) for awhile, during the day avoid mirrors because i was scared to see what other people saw.

No one knows what i think about when i'm falling asleep. It's always changing and never that interesting really. But, I always want to know what other people want...i'm not sure what else is as personal.

My clock beeped again, i suppose i should go and try to rest or something. Maybe i'll play with the red light a bit more.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005


My computer died. Everything’s gone. All my pictures, all my music, all my documents, i'm on my dads computer and i like myspace you should go there. Hey, it’s my 100th post.

It's one of those moments when I’m actually happy with myself. I'm smiling, and singing along to Jack Johnson. I'm wearing sweatpants and my huge headphones, the lights off and I hear nothing besides the music. And I know as long as I stay in this room I have no responsibilities, because i don't know what i should be doing instead. I bought this song but the quality isn't that bad. "Waiting waiting on you, must i always be waiting waiting on you." Maybe if i make it loud enough I’ll forget things are going on around me. These are also one of those moments when i realize sometimes I’m the happiest when I’m by myself. I look around and the chorus plays for the last time and i wonder if the tickets are sold out yet, and if Nina's going to not shut up about it tomorrow. But i really don't care. My goal is to write this, so I’m not going to dwell on the small thoughts i have. Instead i repress them as much as i can and turn up the music a little louder. Now we're talking.

Ah, Spoon. "Now this little girls she says..." Brilliant. This is the reason I’d had stopped listening to music when i wrote. It distracts me because i end up sitting staring off in to space wondering, honestly about what i was thinking last night. I slept over at Georgia's. It was one of those times when you’re both thinking such weird things and it’s finally an acceptable time to bring them up. Now, this is the time where i would tell you about our conversation, but i can't. Because, i always remember someone whose reading the post who will be offended. But then, it gets worse because i see my mom reading that sentence and respecting me more for not mentioning anything that would make anyone offended ever because being honesty like that isn't okay to make public. Uh, but now i see her thinking that was a mean sentence about her, and she’s going to want to defend her thinking like that but that wasn't what i was saying at all. I like my mom and we've been getting along really well, or well enough. And shit, I’ve walked myself in to a wall. I got in a fight with my parents a few nights ago, maybe about a week now. They mentioned my blog and they were telling me to change something, and my parents used the parental authority to make me do things excuse and i got up and left. My dad followed me a few minutes later, and we hadn't been getting along since he got back. We talked and it doesn't matter. I was upset, i asked him what he meant by self continues in his comment to the previous entry. He told me that it seemed like i was censoring my self. "uh yeah," i said, "i don't want to actually say anything i'm thinking." First time ever. So, because of my dad i'm typing something, and trying so hard to not think about other people. I'm really trying. I'm still deleting every other sentence because i think they sound awful. My dad asks me, "And, about boys? Anything having to do with them? " And i kind of lost it. And its stupid, its so stupid that he was a lot more right than i would like to admit.

It was one of those conversations where everything will be okay afterwards and you both know that once he gets you a bowl of ice cream everything will be all right in the end. But, the terrifying thing was that it wasn't. I still think he's being the coldest to me he's ever been, and still when i got upset about something for the first time i got in the car and turned my phone from vibrate to normal to vibrate to normal, until my fingers tingled a little. It wasn't what i expected, so i ran away.

I like Iron and Wine a lot, Upward Over the Mountain is being played on repeat and its one of those songs that... haha i honestly don't know how i was going to end that sentence. Maybe it always depends.
...some says the sun brings hope where it once was forgotten suns are like birds flying always over the mountain..."

I got invited to Nina’s to have a tea party and i didn't go home for three days. We watched movies, and sat in coffee shops, and listened to Courtney Love. We discussed how gross certain people we used to like are. And we stayed up until three talking about the meaning of life. Lee and Elena were around too, once in awhile. Every day we had big plans to do something 'awesome' but this thing was only accomplished when we weren't searching for it. I got mad at her for not getting any action at camp, we discussed this for hours because hey, theirs nothing else to do. I could elaborate but i don't remember the details. One of the most interesting things we touched on was goals in our lives. Which lead to this obvious one that people point out, oh well the goal in life is to be happy. That’s bullshit. I even believed that for a while, i think we trick ourselves in to believing this thing because it’s an easy want. We want to be happy and that’s the goal. But we don't, because once you start asking people about this, asking them if they really want to be completely happy they all say yes, but then take it back saying that they would hate it because complete happiness is boring. "I'm really happy" Nina tells me lying in her room the last night i slept over. "I don't think i show it enough, I don't think you think I’m happy because you don't see me all the time, but i'm so happy, i'm really happy" But she shouldn't be thinking i had any doubts. I know Nina's really happy and I love that she is and she can admit to it. She doesn't overshadow it with pretending to find excuses to be miserable. "I'm really happy too," I told her, "You have to understand that also." I definitely wasn't lying. I roll over on the air mattress on the floor. "But, the reason why i'm so afraid of growing up is..." I paused, "I don't know one adult who's truly happy." I roll back on my mattress and think for a second. "No, i know two, both of them not being happy for a majority of their adult lives to begin with." Nina thinks for a second before saying, all right i know one. I suppose you could say the same things about kids, or teenagers but its not the same at all. Kids, like my friends we aren’t actually unhappy. We aren’t stuck in our lives because theirs always that hope that we'll grow out of this town or this place and finally be a real person. Nina and I talk about this, and i start believing it more and more. Adults I think about, and revere I see their weaknesses as obvious. I just feel like your entire life your always waiting for things in your life to get better, you always need to change everything because your goal is to make everything perfect. Everyone is secretly unhappy with some major point in their life. People are just tolerating their lives because they have no other choice. Society sets you up so easily but even when you love someone to a point of obsession there comes a point they drive you mad. I know very few people actually happily married, completely happy with their choices. How disappointing, we're working towards something that always has you wanting a little bit more.
So, their is no meaning to life really, and Camus says i'm even using that as an excuse to find meaning. Nina asked me what was wrong with finding a meaning. Theirs none, i told her, but theirs some satisfaction when you feel like your breaking a code.

I'm happy but i'm terrified of growing out of it.

What’s holding people back from actually being completely content with their lives. I'm not blaming people who complain; i'm wondering how to get rid of the thing they’re complaining about.

Georgia tells me she’s unhappy, and i tell her looking straight at her that that is not true at all so she rephrases it a little. Maybe she’s, maybe i shouldn't have told her she wasn't but in that moment I couldn't believe it. Hm, I hope Dru's doing well i haven't talked to her or Jeramie in awhile.

i hate when people reveal so much about themselves that theirs nothing left to guess so you have no choice but to slowly get annoyed

I've been playing something Nina said the other night in my head for a while. Which is perfect for me to say as i'm listening to Jump the only band i really connect with Nina. "Love," she tells me. "You know how everyone is always saying that they don't want to say love until they actually mean it."
"Well isn't that a little ridiculous, i mean,"
"Whoa," I interrupt, "This is the opposite of what you've been saying forever, like at Martha’s," I say, "When we got in that fight about it. I mean you've changed but you understand..."
"Yes i understand that i said that i'm not pretending i didn't. So basically shouldn't it be that love is something you should use all the time. Because words don't lose meaning just by saying them really. Words mean different things by the way that you say them. Love is more powerful in different context but why," I'm listening intentively and she pauses as if analyzing why. "Why do we restrict ourselves from saying it. Why do we restrict the word love, probably the word we should be using the most? Why are we not telling everyone we love them all the time. I mean, why is this word restrictive when this is one of the best things we could be saying to people." She sits back. She's not actually asking me and she understands i agree when i'm silent. This stays with me, has stayed with me, and i haven't answered... i realize i know even less then i thought as i get older.

And we open the blinds a little and crack up hysterically. And we both curse laughing and hugging the pillows underneath us. "But he's soooooooo fat'" Georgia assures me, "Oh. My. God." She says sitting up a little more. "Fat with two t's like Hott except bad." This is brilliantly ridiculous and i nod in complete agreement. We laugh, "smells like goat," she says between breaths. And that’s it, Georgia's off the bed because she was laughing so hard and i'm trying to breath. And we don't go to sleep for another two hours.

Please close your eyes please close your eyes if you don't want to say please close your eyes the sun will rise and keep your mind at ease so close your eyes please close your eyes.....