Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Running

My computer died. Everything’s gone. All my pictures, all my music, all my documents, i'm on my dads computer and i like myspace you should go there. Hey, it’s my 100th post.

It's one of those moments when I’m actually happy with myself. I'm smiling, and singing along to Jack Johnson. I'm wearing sweatpants and my huge headphones, the lights off and I hear nothing besides the music. And I know as long as I stay in this room I have no responsibilities, because i don't know what i should be doing instead. I bought this song but the quality isn't that bad. "Waiting waiting on you, must i always be waiting waiting on you." Maybe if i make it loud enough I’ll forget things are going on around me. These are also one of those moments when i realize sometimes I’m the happiest when I’m by myself. I look around and the chorus plays for the last time and i wonder if the tickets are sold out yet, and if Nina's going to not shut up about it tomorrow. But i really don't care. My goal is to write this, so I’m not going to dwell on the small thoughts i have. Instead i repress them as much as i can and turn up the music a little louder. Now we're talking.

Ah, Spoon. "Now this little girls she says..." Brilliant. This is the reason I’d had stopped listening to music when i wrote. It distracts me because i end up sitting staring off in to space wondering, honestly about what i was thinking last night. I slept over at Georgia's. It was one of those times when you’re both thinking such weird things and it’s finally an acceptable time to bring them up. Now, this is the time where i would tell you about our conversation, but i can't. Because, i always remember someone whose reading the post who will be offended. But then, it gets worse because i see my mom reading that sentence and respecting me more for not mentioning anything that would make anyone offended ever because being honesty like that isn't okay to make public. Uh, but now i see her thinking that was a mean sentence about her, and she’s going to want to defend her thinking like that but that wasn't what i was saying at all. I like my mom and we've been getting along really well, or well enough. And shit, I’ve walked myself in to a wall. I got in a fight with my parents a few nights ago, maybe about a week now. They mentioned my blog and they were telling me to change something, and my parents used the parental authority to make me do things excuse and i got up and left. My dad followed me a few minutes later, and we hadn't been getting along since he got back. We talked and it doesn't matter. I was upset, i asked him what he meant by self continues in his comment to the previous entry. He told me that it seemed like i was censoring my self. "uh yeah," i said, "i don't want to actually say anything i'm thinking." First time ever. So, because of my dad i'm typing something, and trying so hard to not think about other people. I'm really trying. I'm still deleting every other sentence because i think they sound awful. My dad asks me, "And, about boys? Anything having to do with them? " And i kind of lost it. And its stupid, its so stupid that he was a lot more right than i would like to admit.

It was one of those conversations where everything will be okay afterwards and you both know that once he gets you a bowl of ice cream everything will be all right in the end. But, the terrifying thing was that it wasn't. I still think he's being the coldest to me he's ever been, and still when i got upset about something for the first time i got in the car and turned my phone from vibrate to normal to vibrate to normal, until my fingers tingled a little. It wasn't what i expected, so i ran away.

I like Iron and Wine a lot, Upward Over the Mountain is being played on repeat and its one of those songs that... haha i honestly don't know how i was going to end that sentence. Maybe it always depends.
...some says the sun brings hope where it once was forgotten suns are like birds flying always over the mountain..."

I got invited to Nina’s to have a tea party and i didn't go home for three days. We watched movies, and sat in coffee shops, and listened to Courtney Love. We discussed how gross certain people we used to like are. And we stayed up until three talking about the meaning of life. Lee and Elena were around too, once in awhile. Every day we had big plans to do something 'awesome' but this thing was only accomplished when we weren't searching for it. I got mad at her for not getting any action at camp, we discussed this for hours because hey, theirs nothing else to do. I could elaborate but i don't remember the details. One of the most interesting things we touched on was goals in our lives. Which lead to this obvious one that people point out, oh well the goal in life is to be happy. That’s bullshit. I even believed that for a while, i think we trick ourselves in to believing this thing because it’s an easy want. We want to be happy and that’s the goal. But we don't, because once you start asking people about this, asking them if they really want to be completely happy they all say yes, but then take it back saying that they would hate it because complete happiness is boring. "I'm really happy" Nina tells me lying in her room the last night i slept over. "I don't think i show it enough, I don't think you think I’m happy because you don't see me all the time, but i'm so happy, i'm really happy" But she shouldn't be thinking i had any doubts. I know Nina's really happy and I love that she is and she can admit to it. She doesn't overshadow it with pretending to find excuses to be miserable. "I'm really happy too," I told her, "You have to understand that also." I definitely wasn't lying. I roll over on the air mattress on the floor. "But, the reason why i'm so afraid of growing up is..." I paused, "I don't know one adult who's truly happy." I roll back on my mattress and think for a second. "No, i know two, both of them not being happy for a majority of their adult lives to begin with." Nina thinks for a second before saying, all right i know one. I suppose you could say the same things about kids, or teenagers but its not the same at all. Kids, like my friends we aren’t actually unhappy. We aren’t stuck in our lives because theirs always that hope that we'll grow out of this town or this place and finally be a real person. Nina and I talk about this, and i start believing it more and more. Adults I think about, and revere I see their weaknesses as obvious. I just feel like your entire life your always waiting for things in your life to get better, you always need to change everything because your goal is to make everything perfect. Everyone is secretly unhappy with some major point in their life. People are just tolerating their lives because they have no other choice. Society sets you up so easily but even when you love someone to a point of obsession there comes a point they drive you mad. I know very few people actually happily married, completely happy with their choices. How disappointing, we're working towards something that always has you wanting a little bit more.
So, their is no meaning to life really, and Camus says i'm even using that as an excuse to find meaning. Nina asked me what was wrong with finding a meaning. Theirs none, i told her, but theirs some satisfaction when you feel like your breaking a code.

I'm happy but i'm terrified of growing out of it.

What’s holding people back from actually being completely content with their lives. I'm not blaming people who complain; i'm wondering how to get rid of the thing they’re complaining about.

Georgia tells me she’s unhappy, and i tell her looking straight at her that that is not true at all so she rephrases it a little. Maybe she’s, maybe i shouldn't have told her she wasn't but in that moment I couldn't believe it. Hm, I hope Dru's doing well i haven't talked to her or Jeramie in awhile.

i hate when people reveal so much about themselves that theirs nothing left to guess so you have no choice but to slowly get annoyed

I've been playing something Nina said the other night in my head for a while. Which is perfect for me to say as i'm listening to Jump the only band i really connect with Nina. "Love," she tells me. "You know how everyone is always saying that they don't want to say love until they actually mean it."
"Yes"
"Well isn't that a little ridiculous, i mean,"
"Whoa," I interrupt, "This is the opposite of what you've been saying forever, like at Martha’s," I say, "When we got in that fight about it. I mean you've changed but you understand..."
"Yes i understand that i said that i'm not pretending i didn't. So basically shouldn't it be that love is something you should use all the time. Because words don't lose meaning just by saying them really. Words mean different things by the way that you say them. Love is more powerful in different context but why," I'm listening intentively and she pauses as if analyzing why. "Why do we restrict ourselves from saying it. Why do we restrict the word love, probably the word we should be using the most? Why are we not telling everyone we love them all the time. I mean, why is this word restrictive when this is one of the best things we could be saying to people." She sits back. She's not actually asking me and she understands i agree when i'm silent. This stays with me, has stayed with me, and i haven't answered... i realize i know even less then i thought as i get older.

And we open the blinds a little and crack up hysterically. And we both curse laughing and hugging the pillows underneath us. "But he's soooooooo fat'" Georgia assures me, "Oh. My. God." She says sitting up a little more. "Fat with two t's like Hott except bad." This is brilliantly ridiculous and i nod in complete agreement. We laugh, "smells like goat," she says between breaths. And that’s it, Georgia's off the bed because she was laughing so hard and i'm trying to breath. And we don't go to sleep for another two hours.

Please close your eyes please close your eyes if you don't want to say please close your eyes the sun will rise and keep your mind at ease so close your eyes please close your eyes.....

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