Monday, September 05, 2005

Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

I cut my hair, I can hear my dog outside.
We have a gas shortage.
Blogger added to its format and I cried at a puppetshow tonight.
Still, no one is helping the people in New Orleans.
Yet nothing has changed. Everything happens the same exact way and we go through the motions because we have no other choice.We're all going to be exactly the same because deep down we're just trying to survive.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me


I can hear the TV in my parents room but the sound is muffled by the song that's coming from my computer. I'm hope people understand I was frightened, we all were.

I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me


I sat and watched my neighbor at the table for ten minutes. She was talking to someone in her living room and I kept watching her hand movements grow as she started leaning forward in her seat. I took another sip of water and thought about things that meant the most to me. Which made me want to call Adam, and then I took another sip of water as my neighbor leaned far enough back you couldn't see her anymore. My dad walks in to the room and asks me something I don't hear. I nod. Then I slowly sip more water before laying the mug down and pushing my chair backwards. I go to watch the last ten minutes of six-feet under which I've been meaning to watch again since I got that song. The one they play in the end while they kill everyone off. My parents come in and watch it with me but they keep pausing to tell me about RENT. I'm thinking about stuff so I don't go upstairs. They start watching The Amazing Race and I curl up on the end of the couch. It's time to go to bed.

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Yesterday was amazing.Ryan tagged along and we rode the bus to West Campus where we got smoothies and asked a random guy to take pictures of us. Then we went outside and made a peace circle while ryan played the harmonica in his pocket. We sung this little light of mine and Molli bravely asks a guy to join us and he pauses before saying he has to shower. Then we pretend to be collage students for a few hours. Somewhere around then I said something about rabbi's and dru says "Who's your rabbi" you know all uh something like. Which means we spent most of the time randomly saying, 'who's your rabbi?' And on the bus Aja comes and sits on my lap and we make fun of the drunk Duke girls. Even though its 6 in the afternoon. the computer just fell on me... Damn I should be sleeping. Basically it was probably some of the best hours in my life. Especially after dinner when everyone was being taken home by Aja's dad except Georgia, Ryan, Aja, and I. We ran around the fountain before turning around 30 times to become 'drunk' and we ran around the field. Then we got Ryan to pole dance on the light poles. It was brilliant because everyone would walk by and he got really in to it. Damn ... Then we crashed Charlie's house. Though, for some reason i keep thinking about secrets and how they end up making things interesting. But still life's exactly the same.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me


Nina told me the puppet show was amazing and I didn't believe her. That's not what it was. I tell my dad about this song that I found and that he HAS to hear but he tells me mom has already showed him. Which is weird because I wouldn't think mom would have found it. Spencer H. Was at the puppetshow and I talk to him for awhile before getting yelled at by this ugly skinny lady in the row behind me. I don't know why mom keeps telling me Kristie should have been there. The puppets are amazing, of course they are, they always are every year. I kept watching the collage photographer on the side. He kept standing on the stone and waiting, the camera dangling on his neck as he stands. He lifts the camera to his eye and then lowers it. Then stands. He reminds me of something. I don't understand why mom keeps asking me if i remember Kristies wedding. The puppet show, It was wonderful, colorful, and something you feel like is just your own even though its outside on a huge campus. It makes me love living here, just being near the idea of this. I've never really liked it that much before. I don't see why mom keeps telling me Kristie would have loved to be part of it. I realize that masks can seem more real than actual faces and i remember to put that on my blog. After the black monster has eaten most of everything and a bush look alike attempts to kill the pigs, and an assortment of colors flash across the dirt stage a huge green figure emerges. She revives the 'resting' as ani said, dragon and we clap. We're amazed something can be fixed. The dragon starts walking towards the children, all the kids in all the aisles. It starts walking up and it bows its head to everyone can pet it. Oliver stands in the aisle waiting for it to reach him. That's when i cry. I wont look at the dragon and instead i look at the kids running past me. Looking away from anyone in my family. Then I think about how I always sound the same, before i turn and look at the Dragon that's standing almost above me. I don't want to go pet it, I've grown out of that. And I realize way to suddenly I'm not like these kids anymore.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me


Me, Oliver, Leo, and Mom, we get in the car. The boys fuss and beg for Yellow Submarine but we wont give in. I forget what we were talking about, but I start playing my ipod. I play the song for the second time as we near the house. I don't want to analyze it, but we're quiet. I'm mouthing the words in the dark car and so is mom. The song pauses. In the way it always does. We pull in to the driveway but she doesn't turn off the car and i stop my movements for the door. I turn to look at my mom. And she has her head against the cars seat and she's just listening. And, that's the moment I realize my mom is just a person. An amazing person yes, but still she's not at all perfect. Suddenly everything's real. I don't see why mom never told me beofre. This idea she could be a little scared too. And I get choked up, because I basically cry whenever theirs silence. So I turn away towards the window because i could never stand reality.

2 Comments:

Blogger Brett said...

Beautiful post. Just beautiful. It's so hard to know ourselves, let alone those close to us. I seem to go through life with that feeling of "everything's different, everything's the same." Nothing seems to change, yet it does. "The arc of the moral universe is long..." What's the name of the song?

11:05 AM  
Blogger Mariah said...

Rebecca this is great. You did such a good job at this post.

2:49 PM  

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