Saturday, December 31, 2005


pretty much got in a fight with my mom.

she pulled the car over so we could yell at eacother for half an hour.

and its funny that in that entire fight one thing she said actually mattered. And thats the only reason i'm listening to her. and its funny that that thing had nothing to do with her.



except i got my new dylan album.
which is amazing

Thursday, December 29, 2005

My Humps, Baby's got back

Watch the video
Oliver and Leo rocking it out

Rain pt. 2

I've listened to the same side of the same Dylan record four times. I tried to stop, i put on James Taylor but after one song gave up my feeble hope. It's as if I stop playing it everything i'm thinking isn't going to stay exactly where it is. My feet are cold. My window still keeps falling open.

I took some black and white photos two days ago of Oliver dancing in his spider man pajamas to Chuck Berry. The film got ruined because the camera fucked up.

The Album's Bringing it all back home. If it mattered. But maybe it does. Maybe to actually stay in the present i need to keep reminding myself of everything that's going on around me. Which would probably get tediously annoying after awhile.

I've started running in to things around me again. Like walls (actual ones not chris), or my dad, who takes up way to much space, or Georgia's stairs which i fell down yesterday. Well only two steps but still. Also my stomach hurt from all the nutmeg and nutella we consumed. I just started the record again. I had to turn on the lights to move the needle. I'm hoping i won't have to turn them back on again for awhile. There's this one scene in Ghost World where Thora Birch get that record from Steve Bushimi and she plays the same track over and over. Devils Got My Woman by Skip James i'm pretty sure. I really just want the whole soundtrack though. This is how i get every night. Distracted then tired. I have two more Dylan songs to go though and i'm hoping i can make my way through them without thinking about anything else. I need to find somewhere online where i can upload a quick time movie. Georgia and I fell asleep with all our clothes on last night. She fell asleep on the floor and somehow i got her bed.

I keep typing things. Sentences paragraphs and then deleting them. Nothing sounds at all remotely important. Maybe i should give this up. I've tried writing each day this week and ending up with absolutely nothing.

I love the rain.This rain. I've been feeding Nina's Neighbors cat for the past few days and tonight my mom dropped me off there on the way back from Elmos. Its been the first time we've been to Elmos since last week without my mom and Leo spent most of the time pretending to be a samurai with forks he found and putting my phone in his mouth which he thought was hysterical. Any ways when my mom dropped me off it was raining hard but it wasn't cold outside. I got the sopping wet key out from underneath the matt and took my time walking to the door. Rain's not bad at all. And then i had to get back in the car which was the worst part. But standing out in my driveway in the rain once we pulled in would have been to weird. I'm not sad, i'm not depressed i'm just in love with sitting somewhere with no real distractions. Like the dark. or something so monotonous as rain that it keeps you from thinking about much else.

We've been watching the partridge family since i got it on DVD for christmas. I've been doing so much with my family lately. Or with my brothers, the little ones, and my dad. Maybe i should stop that. I just haven't wanted to think about school or things connected to it. And i really don't want to go see King Kong. Which isn't related.
I think I kind of miss that kid.
Which isn't related either. I hung out with Matt last weekend, or i guess that was a two weekends ago. It was him, and Cat came along for awhile. I got out of the car and Sam M. was standing next to Regulator selling hot chocolate with a group of people. I talked to them for awhile and completely forgot i was supposed to meet Matt inside. So when Matt comes out, and i've been talking to this guy Austin who Anna wanted to me to meet which was one huge coincidence, i felt bad. Hanging out with Matt was fine, weird. fine, just weird. I felt like i was holding back a lot of things and he was too and i was in this completely different place from last year and he wasn't. We did talk about how annoying it is when people tell you that all their problems would be solved if only they had a girlfriend. Maybe it was just me though, but i felt like that was pretty much what he was telling me the entire time we hung out. That all his problems would be solved if only he found a girl who he really liked. I kept awkwardly nodding. But maybe i was hinting at something along those lines too. a boyfriend that is. Oh and he was also an asshole at one point and i yelled at him. But later that night i pretty much stalked Sam at Becky's party.

all right now i'm going to attempt and explain that question thing. Doesn't it seem that questions are this really prominent thing in our lives. If you keep thinking about it though, questions are usually completely self centered. I mean we ask if we want something or want to know something. But what if we take away the self centered part of question asking and see it as a different tool kind of? I guess. okay to stop explaining in any detail. isn't this a cool question : If i could ask you anything, anything at all, what would you want me to ask you?

only one person has answered me so far. Think about it, i'm allowed to ask you anything.

Want a Bob Dylan quote?
Half of the people can be part right all of the time,
Some of the people can be all right part of the time.
I think Abraham Lincoln said that.
"I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours,"
I said that.

i bought that record online tonight. Which makes me realize that however awful school is next week i can go home and listen to my Dylan album over and over and over again.

Sweet Dreams

Tuesday, December 27, 2005


my record player is slowly taking over my life.

like alcoholism is supposed to.

I've changed my entire room for it, i haven't touched the music on my computer, and i haven't been able to drag myself away from looking at record prices online.

The Black Keys has been on repeat for awhile.
Everyone sounds better.
I just bid on ebay a record that has My Humps four different ways.
And i've bought the Arcade Fire Record, along with Arctic Monkeys and the Decemberists.

But we can't forget the classics.... Bob Dylan, James Taylor, Joni Mitchell, Led Zepplin, John Lennon.
I'm playing Oh Yoko ... now.

I'm obsessed

Saturday, December 24, 2005


Its one in the morning

It's taken me to long to actually write this entry. I had to make myself a motivational playlist though, and I can't write anything when its light outside. So I was stuck with waiting until it got dark. It took me three hours to decorate my cookies today. But it was a three hours that i listened to christmas music and felt overly retrospective. I danced around my kitchen a little, but mostly just let myself think about things I haven't had the time to think about in the past few days. Last night I fell asleep in my clothes at 11. This morning i woke up completely dressed with no idea how it happened. I have no idea why i've been so tired. But I think i'm really profound when i'm making cookies. I think i'm funny and thoughtful, and clever, and interesting, and then I finished and the bounds of my greatness didn't reach outsides the levels of me standing against the counter with sprinkles. Spencer called me though which was even more of a challenge because i had to sometimes hold the phone and other times put him on speaker phone which means that Myrian might have heard a lot more about Spencer's life than she wanted. Also, during the three hours while i toiled I taught my brothers the words to my humps. Any ways basic picture of the cookies. Black and White picture, as well as a picture that makes you feel like your a cookie yourself. Which I mean is always our goal.

I've listened to the same song seven times in the last two days. Nick Drake's cover of Don't Think Twice It's Aright. We never did to much talking any ways... and that's the line that runs through my head a thousand times while i try to figure out why that has some meaning.

I borrowed my moms non-digital camera from her room today and found film somewhere in the house to use. Later though i bought more film at this place on ninth street so tomorrow I can run around taking pictures of everything.

It's Christmas Eve now. Of course i didn't finish this entry yesterday like I planned. I was going to walk to Ninth street and write but Nina called me and wanted to hang out. So instead we walked around ninth street for awhile. There was this guy though who was walked by us four times, with these huge headphones talking to himself. Nina wasn't deciding fast enough about what to get her sister so i sat outside on the playhouse steps and he walked by twice. I got a picture when he was walking away from me, but it was right in the sun so i'm not sure it will turn out. But we'll see when we get the film developed.

I've grown up since London.
That sounds Ridiculous.
I think its true though.

I found a cover of James Taylor singing Joni Mitchell's River. That and Aretha Franklin are pretty much all that i'm thinking about right now. Besides Christmas, but that's a given.

I'm also starting to think i'm not going to finish this entry tonight because all i can think about is Christmas. And all my others thoughts are blocked by a few major distractions. My minds jumping from my dog, to the tree, to other people, to santa clause, to my pictures, to aretha franklin... and then it stays there until i remember its christmas tomorrow.

Berry just walked in while we were eating dinner tonight.
We ask him if he wants to sit down and he says sure, and then he asks if we like ham. He then tells us he's going to get us some ham. He's going to bring us some ham. So we wait for a second wondering if he's going to go get the ham but instead he pulls a chair from the dining room in to the kitchen.
"This Ham," He says, "Is the best Ham around, its beautiful, I hope you like ham because this ham this ham is wonderful."
"Mhmm, ham sounds great. Prime Ribs?"
"Yes please! wow a feast a feast."
And my mom gets giddy over the compliments of her cooking.
"Any ways when are we getting that teepee party started again? We should go out there tonight. Drink a little, i swear tomorrow that ham that ham."
My dad made a caption for the New Yorker and we all talked about it for a good half an hour. But for the next forty minutes whenever there was silence my dad would laugh hysterically. "its just, its just, so funny, so funny."
My very religious aunt comments on what we've been talking about for the past ten minutes.
"Yeah its weird when christians think Jesus is their best friend."
and our neighbor says "Right, cause you catholics, jesus pounds you hard. He just keeps pounding you and pounding you. Mary's your man then. Mary's your man."
And then i'm laughing, hard, and unhelpful add, "Religions just ridiculous any ways."

Georgia and Dru were over last Saturday. Ask me about it sometime. Here's a picture of me sound asleep looking five years old.

Lame early in the morning realization. Right now, my hairs up, i'm in pj pants and the shirt i wore today and i look as different as i can from that picture. But its still exactly the same. its me. Except it feels completely different. Any ways enough of me being stupid. Merry Christmas. I'm excited, i hope you are.

Monday, December 12, 2005


Conversation over heard at the Tate Modern:
Where's Chris?
Downstairs i think...
I keep telling him he'd meet more people if he didn't hang around gay men all the time.
I know, i tell him the same. He's just getting dragged to these gay bars.
He needs to be hit on by some propper girls so he knows what to do.
He's done the man scene.
anyways you should try telling him or something.

I usually have a phobia of eating by myself but for some reason i sat there with my coffee and my art book about realism and was quite content for atleast an hour.

Hitler was an S&M addict.

I played my first record ever. Bob Marley actually...

Realized my camera is shit and wont take pictures with a flash so i hold the camera outside and its cold, and my hands shake so all my pictures are blurry.

Oh, and i've eaten enough food to last me past winter.

Londons amazing.

I'll edit this entry later, like when i get home. And add some pictures and actually maybe give some things explination. Or maybe they don't need that after all.

Thursday, December 08, 2005


did you know that super man can't actually fly? and that he actually jumps because the gravitational pull from Krypton is different from the one one earth.

I know, i was amazed too.

My mom picked me up at twelve because of all this NEW passport stuff we had to deal with. Meaning i'm leaving for London tomorrow instead.

"Wait how accurate is this map in size?"
"Rebecca, the countries are actually a lot bigger than that."

"Wouldn't me and Christmas be happy together though? Just Christmas and I in a little house, married and in love forever. We would never, ever get sick of eachother. I wouldn't have to talk to anyone else."

"Your an ugly mirror."

I pretty much failed when i fenced Sam all during class today. Maybe because he's a foot taller than me and left handed. Except he taught me how to flick and most of the times i'd end up beating him up anyways. But then we got in an argument about whether this thing you can do with your hands is a fox or a llama. It's a fox. Ask me sometime and i'll show you how right I am.

oh and check this shit out. We're all fucking insane.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


WHAT MAKES YOU HOT...something that you want but you haven't got
isn't that the way, just a game to play??...all day
Well I say you can bring the ice, the sweating will suffice
Your body parts are nice
Body parts are nice,
I can close my eyes,
And think about your lips;
They quiver to the tips of the fingers on my hand
I am a man with some secret plans I need to carry out.
You are my first
We're like cold fission...I feel an energy flow...flow..
Let it all go, close your eyes

this song is about sex
and Matt Bivins is not gay, though Georgias convinced herself he is.
These are a few of the things we learned today.

I'm attempting this keeping up with writing entries thing. I'm not sure why i'm bothering though? Maybe because typing is easier then actually making the effort to write something. Just so you know. I had an idea to get a HUGE tree for our homeroom but Rob wasn't that enthused. I'm listening to Blood on the Tracks, which we listened to every night before going to bed at TIP. It feels like all of the songs are drilled in the back of my mind. Like Joni Mitchell was when my dad would play Blue every night in the other room while i fell asleep.

During third period today Jamie was talking about the deep levels of hell in the Inferno. Then something a little bit amusing was said, and Chris and I are looking at each other from across the room, and he starts laughing which is hysterical. Because when Chris laughs you have no choice but to laugh with him. So we spend the last third of class laughing at each other and not paying attention. I tried to hide under Louise but Chris wouldn't stop so I gave up on attempting to listen. But before that i was leaning against Georgia and i closed one of my eyes to look at all the pictures Jamie has on his wall. Then i had the brilliant idea to measure them with my fingers from across the room. You know when something is just that much smaller from far away and you want to see how small it seems? Anyways i must have been doing that for a good minute when i realize no ones talking anymore. Then they all ask me what i'm doing. I'm not sure what to say. I think this is about the time Chris starts laughing.

Anyways third period's moved up to the favorite class position. Except were using imaginary numbers in math to solve negative roots so math is a close second. cause i'm probably the biggest dork ever. ever.

Usually my assumptions end up being false. Sometimes what turns out to be actually true scares but assures me at the same time. I've got my things to think about though. Sometimes the best interactions with people are when you run in to them while walking through a door. Then you have that awkward moment of standing in the door way. But its a nice awkward moment.

clap your hands and say yeah are coming March 3rd.

oh we also learned that Spencer is the fucking weirdest kid ever. I love him.
my parents came home. Tomorrow we get our Christmas Tree and i'm missing an ass load of school because all of this passport shit. I wonder if anyone's discovered i've starting writing nonsense shit in here again?

plus this is a picture i like, its my window :
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Monday, December 05, 2005


fuck, what have i gotten myself in to now

it seems like whenever i'm about to publish something on here my computer ends up dying or something goes wrong. I just... can't deal with that right now.

i don't have any time. Today i was sitting in my backyard on our tiny yellow slide, with my cell phone and my dog. It was the first time in awhile i've had time alone where i wasn't having to do something. I guess i could be doing that now but i'm online and i've gotten distracted and i don't need to be completely alone right now. But any ways the slide, i kept calling these people in my contacts list. No one picked up, not one person until Henry's mom who decided she would pretend to be my friend. I lied and told her i liked high school. Then i pretended i had to go. Peter's mom told me she could drive me home from wellspring. For some reason i wanted to walk, but then when she offered again the effort of walking seemed daunting.

i guess i'm just weird like that.

i think sarah might hate me now, even though nina's tried to convince me she doesn't.

whatchya gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk, i'm gonna gonna get you drunk get you love drunk of my humps

i do know every word, and he did keep his deal... hm...

i decided i want to start writing in here again. maybe my mom will finally stop reading it so i can say stuff that i actually mean. Or more stuff i actually think about. Or maybe this is going to turn in to a failure again. I've been living at nina's this entire weekend. It's been amazing. My house is depressing without my dad. And then we went to the mall us four, Dru, Jeramie, Georgia and I. and i acted crazy and different and i felt like how i used to, more than any other time this year. Then we went in the photo booth and were extremely great. I also saw santa. actually i saw santa twice because he gives out candy canes on the Christmas train and life and science. Which.was.amazing. of course.

But the santa train led Nina Ani and I to be in Ninas room and i ended up doing this crazy dance to Rudolf the Red Nosed . After i finished Nina turned to me and was like, "I never see you like that?" i told her it was because she doesn't see me when i'm happy very often. I cut nina's hair last night though, and it looks great. I'm extremely proud. But see, Nina and i are weird. Now especially. We sat and talked last night and tonight about how both of us are changing. Not us as friends but us individually and how everything turning in to metaphors for loss of innocence. So we listened to The Baby-sitter's here over and over again until we got sad enough to stop.

But now i just feel like i have this big pile of things to say and no way of explaining it. And its just me in my room in the dark at twelve and nothing else is as important as writing this, now. I feel like i'm always making myself stop caring to much. I'm always forcing myself in to not actually admit to anything. Dru told me online though :

druapicture16: well that's not bad you can feel that even though its like against some dumb rule you have

which basically summarizes everything right now.

Why are people always hiding what we actually think? Why do we never have the balls or whatever to say what we actually want to. We're always hiding because were scared how we're going to fuck everything up.

i'm so sick of hiding but right now i don't really have any other choice. This weekend went by so fast. Sometimes i'm worried i only work in school because i'm completely expected. Sometimes i'm worried i don't even care anymore.

Tracy Chapman is wonderful. Except now i'm listening to James Taylor I need someone to sit me down and just explain to me everything that's going on. Tell me that in the end everything going to be perfectly okay. I think i'm craving anyone who gives that to me. It's like i'm in need of this assurance and i need to latch on to those people who make me less confused for a few moments. And i shouldn't hate school, and i should start my essays sometime before the night before they're due, and i should realize i'm just as immature as i always have been, and i should realize that some things are really amazing.

but i have a good analogy about everything. It invovled creme brulee and mushroom sauce. hahahaha and i do love it. But its time to sleep now with the small propect of nuttella for breakfast. Because those are the kind of things that get me through the day.