Monday, December 05, 2005

Back

fuck, what have i gotten myself in to now

it seems like whenever i'm about to publish something on here my computer ends up dying or something goes wrong. I just... can't deal with that right now.

i don't have any time. Today i was sitting in my backyard on our tiny yellow slide, with my cell phone and my dog. It was the first time in awhile i've had time alone where i wasn't having to do something. I guess i could be doing that now but i'm online and i've gotten distracted and i don't need to be completely alone right now. But any ways the slide, i kept calling these people in my contacts list. No one picked up, not one person until Henry's mom who decided she would pretend to be my friend. I lied and told her i liked high school. Then i pretended i had to go. Peter's mom told me she could drive me home from wellspring. For some reason i wanted to walk, but then when she offered again the effort of walking seemed daunting.

i guess i'm just weird like that.

i think sarah might hate me now, even though nina's tried to convince me she doesn't.

whatchya gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk, i'm gonna gonna get you drunk get you love drunk of my humps

i do know every word, and he did keep his deal... hm...

i decided i want to start writing in here again. maybe my mom will finally stop reading it so i can say stuff that i actually mean. Or more stuff i actually think about. Or maybe this is going to turn in to a failure again. I've been living at nina's this entire weekend. It's been amazing. My house is depressing without my dad. And then we went to the mall us four, Dru, Jeramie, Georgia and I. and i acted crazy and different and i felt like how i used to, more than any other time this year. Then we went in the photo booth and were extremely great. I also saw santa. actually i saw santa twice because he gives out candy canes on the Christmas train and life and science. Which.was.amazing. of course.

But the santa train led Nina Ani and I to be in Ninas room and i ended up doing this crazy dance to Rudolf the Red Nosed . After i finished Nina turned to me and was like, "I never see you like that?" i told her it was because she doesn't see me when i'm happy very often. I cut nina's hair last night though, and it looks great. I'm extremely proud. But see, Nina and i are weird. Now especially. We sat and talked last night and tonight about how both of us are changing. Not us as friends but us individually and how everything turning in to metaphors for loss of innocence. So we listened to The Baby-sitter's here over and over again until we got sad enough to stop.

But now i just feel like i have this big pile of things to say and no way of explaining it. And its just me in my room in the dark at twelve and nothing else is as important as writing this, now. I feel like i'm always making myself stop caring to much. I'm always forcing myself in to not actually admit to anything. Dru told me online though :

druapicture16: well that's not bad you can feel that even though its like against some dumb rule you have
druapicture16: LET YOUR INNER LONGING OUT

which basically summarizes everything right now.

Why are people always hiding what we actually think? Why do we never have the balls or whatever to say what we actually want to. We're always hiding because were scared how we're going to fuck everything up.

i'm so sick of hiding but right now i don't really have any other choice. This weekend went by so fast. Sometimes i'm worried i only work in school because i'm completely expected. Sometimes i'm worried i don't even care anymore.

Tracy Chapman is wonderful. Except now i'm listening to James Taylor I need someone to sit me down and just explain to me everything that's going on. Tell me that in the end everything going to be perfectly okay. I think i'm craving anyone who gives that to me. It's like i'm in need of this assurance and i need to latch on to those people who make me less confused for a few moments. And i shouldn't hate school, and i should start my essays sometime before the night before they're due, and i should realize i'm just as immature as i always have been, and i should realize that some things are really amazing.

but i have a good analogy about everything. It invovled creme brulee and mushroom sauce. hahahaha and i do love it. But its time to sleep now with the small propect of nuttella for breakfast. Because those are the kind of things that get me through the day.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anthony said...

It is nice to see you writing in here again.

>how everything turning in to
>metaphors for loss of innocence

Sounds like my English class. They don't have to be if you don't want them to, but then again it is what makes growing up so fun.

>Sometimes i'm worried i only work
>in school because i'm completely
>expected. Sometimes i'm worried i
>don't even care anymore.

Think of school like a job. It can be your job. Or, it can be a day job where you work hard because you know that the rest of your life will take you somewhere someday but you need this now for that to happen.

>It's like i'm in need of this
>assurance and i need to latch on to
>those people who make me less
>confused for a few moments.

Just don't second guess your self so much. You need to be confident in yourself. You understand things and you know what you want, you just doubt yourself.

>And i shouldn't hate school, and i
>should start my essays sometime
>before the night before they're
>due, and i should realize i'm just
>as immature as i always have been,
>and i should realize that some
>things are really amazing.

Welcome to high school (and all its dramas). Life may be difficult but you will get through it. Trust me.

10:19 PM  

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