Sand is overrated. It's just tiny, little rocks.

great

2005-12-31T14:09:00.000-05:00

pretty much got in a fight with my mom.

she pulled the car over so we could yell at eacother for half an hour.

and its funny that in that entire fight one thing she said actually mattered. And thats the only reason i'm listening to her. and its funny that that thing had nothing to do with her.

ugh

great

except i got my new dylan album.
which is amazing

2005-12-29T13:10:00.000-05:00

My Humps, Baby's got back

Watch the video

Oliver and Leo rocking it out

Rain pt. 2

2005-12-29T02:23:00.000-05:00

I've listened to the same side of the same Dylan record four times. I tried to stop, i put on James Taylor but after one song gave up my feeble hope. It's as if I stop playing it everything i'm thinking isn't going to stay exactly where it is. My feet are cold. My window still keeps falling open.

I took some black and white photos two days ago of Oliver dancing in his spider man pajamas to Chuck Berry. The film got ruined because the camera fucked up.

The Album's Bringing it all back home. If it mattered. But maybe it does. Maybe to actually stay in the present i need to keep reminding myself of everything that's going on around me. Which would probably get tediously annoying after awhile.

I've started running in to things around me again. Like walls (actual ones not chris), or my dad, who takes up way to much space, or Georgia's stairs which i fell down yesterday. Well only two steps but still. Also my stomach hurt from all the nutmeg and nutella we consumed. I just started the record again. I had to turn on the lights to move the needle. I'm hoping i won't have to turn them back on again for awhile. There's this one scene in Ghost World where Thora Birch get that record from Steve Bushimi and she plays the same track over and over. Devils Got My Woman by Skip James i'm pretty sure. I really just want the whole soundtrack though. This is how i get every night. Distracted then tired. I have two more Dylan songs to go though and i'm hoping i can make my way through them without thinking about anything else. I need to find somewhere online where i can upload a quick time movie. Georgia and I fell asleep with all our clothes on last night. She fell asleep on the floor and somehow i got her bed.

I keep typing things. Sentences paragraphs and then deleting them. Nothing sounds at all remotely important. Maybe i should give this up. I've tried writing each day this week and ending up with absolutely nothing.

I love the rain.This rain. I've been feeding Nina's Neighbors cat for the past few days and tonight my mom dropped me off there on the way back from Elmos. Its been the first time we've been to Elmos since last week without my mom and Leo spent most of the time pretending to be a samurai with forks he found and putting my phone in his mouth which he thought was hysterical. Any ways when my mom dropped me off it was raining hard but it wasn't cold outside. I got the sopping wet key out from underneath the matt and took my time walking to the door. Rain's not bad at all. And then i had to get back in the car which was the worst part. But standing out in my driveway in the rain once we pulled in would have been to weird. I'm not sad, i'm not depressed i'm just in love with sitting somewhere with no real distractions. Like the dark. or something so monotonous as rain that it keeps you from thinking about much else.

We've been watching the partridge family since i got it on DVD for christmas. I've been doing so much with my family lately. Or with my brothers, the little ones, and my dad. Maybe i should stop that. I just haven't wanted to think about school or things connected to it. And i really don't want to go see King Kong. Which isn't related.
I think I kind of miss that kid.
Which isn't related either. I hung out with Matt last weekend, or i guess that was a two weekends ago. It was him, and Cat came along for awhile. I got out of the car and Sam M. was standing next to Regulator selling hot chocolate with a group of people. I talked to them for awhile and completely forgot i was supposed to meet Matt inside. So when Matt comes out, and i've been talking to this guy Austin who Anna wanted to me to meet which was one huge coincidence, i felt bad. Hanging out with Matt was fine, weird. fine, just weird. I felt like i was holding back a lot of things and he was too and i was in this completely different place from last year and he wasn't. We did talk about how annoying it is when people tell you that all their problems would be solved if only they had a girlfriend. Maybe it was just me though, but i felt like that was pretty much what he was telling me the entire time we hung out. That all his problems would be solved if only he found a girl who he really liked. I kept awkwardly nodding. But maybe i was hinting at something along those lines too. a boyfriend that is. Oh and he was also an asshole at one point and i yelled at him. But later that night i pretty much stalked Sam at Becky's party.

all right now i'm going to attempt and explain that question thing. Doesn't it seem that questions are this really prominent thing in our lives. If you keep thinking about it though, questions are usually completely self centered. I mean we ask if we want something or want to know something. But what if we take away the self centered part of question asking and see it as a different tool kind of? I guess. okay to stop explaining in any detail. isn't this a cool question : If i could ask you anything, anything at all, what would you want me to ask you?

only one person has answered me so far. Think about it, i'm allowed to ask you anything.

Want a Bob Dylan quote?
Half of the people can be part right all of the time,
Some of the people can be all right part of the time.
I think Abraham Lincoln said that.
"I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours,"
I said that.

good
i bought that record online tonight. Which makes me realize that however awful school is next week i can go home and listen to my Dylan album over and over and over again.

Sweet Dreams

Records

2005-12-27T18:42:00.000-05:00

my record player is slowly taking over my life.

like alcoholism is supposed to.

I've changed my entire room for it, i haven't touched the music on my computer, and i haven't been able to drag myself away from looking at record prices online.

The Black Keys has been on repeat for awhile.
Everyone sounds better.
I just bid on ebay a record that has My Humps four different ways.
And i've bought the Arcade Fire Record, along with Arctic Monkeys and the Decemberists.

But we can't forget the classics.... Bob Dylan, James Taylor, Joni Mitchell, Led Zepplin, John Lennon.
I'm playing Oh Yoko ... now.

I'm obsessed

Ham

2005-12-24T01:05:00.000-05:00

Its one in the morning

It's taken me to long to actually write this entry. I had to make myself a motivational playlist though, and I can't write anything when its light outside. So I was stuck with waiting until it got dark. It took me three hours to decorate my cookies today. But it was a three hours that i listened to christmas music and felt overly retrospective. I danced around my kitchen a little, but mostly just let myself think about things I haven't had the time to think about in the past few days. Last night I fell asleep in my clothes at 11. This morning i woke up completely dressed with no idea how it happened. I have no idea why i've been so tired. But I think i'm really profound when i'm making cookies. I think i'm funny and thoughtful, and clever, and interesting, and then I finished and the bounds of my greatness didn't reach outsides the levels of me standing against the counter with sprinkles. Spencer called me though which was even more of a challenge because i had to sometimes hold the phone and other times put him on speaker phone which means that Myrian might have heard a lot more about Spencer's life than she wanted. Also, during the three hours while i toiled I taught my brothers the words to my humps. Any ways basic picture of the cookies. Black and White picture, as well as a picture that makes you feel like your a cookie yourself. Which I mean is always our goal.

I've listened to the same song seven times in the last two days. Nick Drake's cover of Don't Think Twice It's Aright. We never did to much talking any ways... and that's the line that runs through my head a thousand times while i try to figure out why that has some meaning.

I borrowed my moms non-digital camera from her room today and found film somewhere in the house to use. Later though i bought more film at this place on ninth street so tomorrow I can run around taking pictures of everything.

It's Christmas Eve now. Of course i didn't finish this entry yesterday like I planned. I was going to walk to Ninth street and write but Nina called me and wanted to hang out. So instead we walked around ninth street for awhile. There was this guy though who was walked by us four times, with these huge headphones talking to himself. Nina wasn't deciding fast enough about what to get her sister so i sat outside on the playhouse steps and he walked by twice. I got a picture when he was walking away from me, but it was right in the sun so i'm not sure it will turn out. But we'll see when we get the film developed.

I've grown up since London.
That sounds Ridiculous.
I think its true though.

I found a cover of James Taylor singing Joni Mitchell's River. That and Aretha Franklin are pretty much all that i'm thinking about right now. Besides Christmas, but that's a given.

I'm also starting to think i'm not going to finish this entry tonight because all i can think about is Christmas. And all my others thoughts are blocked by a few major distractions. My minds jumping from my dog, to the tree, to other people, to santa clause, to my pictures, to aretha franklin... and then it stays there until i remember its christmas tomorrow.

Berry just walked in while we were eating dinner tonight.
We ask him if he wants to sit down and he says sure, and then he asks if we like ham. He then tells us he's going to get us some ham. He's going to bring us some ham. So we wait for a second wondering if he's going to go get the ham but instead he pulls a chair from the dining room in to the kitchen.
"This Ham," He says, "Is the best Ham around, its beautiful, I hope you like ham because this ham this ham is wonderful."
"Mhmm, ham sounds great. Prime Ribs?"
"Yes please! wow a feast a feast."
And my mom gets giddy over the compliments of her cooking.
"Any ways when are we getting that teepee party started again? We should go out there tonight. Drink a little, i swear tomorrow that ham that ham."
Silence.
My dad made a caption for the New Yorker and we all talked about it for a good half an hour. But for the next forty minutes whenever there was silence my dad would laugh hysterically. "its just, its just, so funny, so funny."
Nice.
Later
My very religious aunt comments on what we've been talking about for the past ten minutes.
"Yeah its weird when christians think Jesus is their best friend."
and our neighbor says "Right, cause you catholics, jesus pounds you hard. He just keeps pounding you and pounding you. Mary's your man then. Mary's your man."
And then i'm laughing, hard, and unhelpful add, "Religions just ridiculous any ways."

Georgia and Dru were over last Saturday. Ask me about it sometime. Here's a picture of me sound asleep looking five years old.

Lame early in the morning realization. Right now, my hairs up, i'm in pj pants and the shirt i wore today and i look as different as i can from that picture. But its still exactly the same. its me. Except it feels completely different. Any ways enough of me being stupid. Merry Christmas. I'm excited, i hope you are.

Questions

2005-12-12T17:21:00.000-05:00

Conversation over heard at the Tate Modern:
Where's Chris?
Downstairs i think...
I keep telling him he'd meet more people if he didn't hang around gay men all the time.
I know, i tell him the same. He's just getting dragged to these gay bars.
He needs to be hit on by some propper girls so he knows what to do.
He's done the man scene.
anyways you should try telling him or something.

I usually have a phobia of eating by myself but for some reason i sat there with my coffee and my art book about realism and was quite content for atleast an hour.

Hitler was an S&M addict.

I played my first record ever. Bob Marley actually...

Realized my camera is shit and wont take pictures with a flash so i hold the camera outside and its cold, and my hands shake so all my pictures are blurry.

Oh, and i've eaten enough food to last me past winter.

Londons amazing.

I'll edit this entry later, like when i get home. And add some pictures and actually maybe give some things explination. Or maybe they don't need that after all.

Superman

2005-12-08T16:04:00.000-05:00

did you know that super man can't actually fly? and that he actually jumps because the gravitational pull from Krypton is different from the one one earth.

I know, i was amazed too.

My mom picked me up at twelve because of all this NEW passport stuff we had to deal with. Meaning i'm leaving for London tomorrow instead.

"Wait how accurate is this map in size?"
"Rebecca, the countries are actually a lot bigger than that."

"Wouldn't me and Christmas be happy together though? Just Christmas and I in a little house, married and in love forever. We would never, ever get sick of eachother. I wouldn't have to talk to anyone else."

"Your an ugly mirror."

I pretty much failed when i fenced Sam all during class today. Maybe because he's a foot taller than me and left handed. Except he taught me how to flick and most of the times i'd end up beating him up anyways. But then we got in an argument about whether this thing you can do with your hands is a fox or a llama. It's a fox. Ask me sometime and i'll show you how right I am.

oh and check this shit out. We're all fucking insane.

Mission

2005-12-06T22:21:00.000-05:00

WHAT MAKES YOU HOT...something that you want but you haven't got
isn't that the way, just a game to play??...all day
Well I say you can bring the ice, the sweating will suffice
Your body parts are nice
Body parts are nice,
I can close my eyes,
And think about your lips;
They quiver to the tips of the fingers on my hand
I am a man with some secret plans I need to carry out.
You are my mission......impossible...at first
We're like cold fission...I feel an energy flow...flow..
Let it all go, close your eyes

this song is about sex
and Matt Bivins is not gay, though Georgias convinced herself he is.
These are a few of the things we learned today.

I'm attempting this keeping up with writing entries thing. I'm not sure why i'm bothering though? Maybe because typing is easier then actually making the effort to write something. Just so you know. I had an idea to get a HUGE tree for our homeroom but Rob wasn't that enthused. I'm listening to Blood on the Tracks, which we listened to every night before going to bed at TIP. It feels like all of the songs are drilled in the back of my mind. Like Joni Mitchell was when my dad would play Blue every night in the other room while i fell asleep.

During third period today Jamie was talking about the deep levels of hell in the Inferno. Then something a little bit amusing was said, and Chris and I are looking at each other from across the room, and he starts laughing which is hysterical. Because when Chris laughs you have no choice but to laugh with him. So we spend the last third of class laughing at each other and not paying attention. I tried to hide under Louise but Chris wouldn't stop so I gave up on attempting to listen. But before that i was leaning against Georgia and i closed one of my eyes to look at all the pictures Jamie has on his wall. Then i had the brilliant idea to measure them with my fingers from across the room. You know when something is just that much smaller from far away and you want to see how small it seems? Anyways i must have been doing that for a good minute when i realize no ones talking anymore. Then they all ask me what i'm doing. I'm not sure what to say. I think this is about the time Chris starts laughing.

Anyways third period's moved up to the favorite class position. Except were using imaginary numbers in math to solve negative roots so math is a close second. cause i'm probably the biggest dork ever. ever.

Usually my assumptions end up being false. Sometimes what turns out to be actually true scares but assures me at the same time. I've got my things to think about though. Sometimes the best interactions with people are when you run in to them while walking through a door. Then you have that awkward moment of standing in the door way. But its a nice awkward moment.

clap your hands and say yeah are coming March 3rd.

oh we also learned that Spencer is the fucking weirdest kid ever. I love him.
my parents came home. Tomorrow we get our Christmas Tree and i'm missing an ass load of school because all of this passport shit. I wonder if anyone's discovered i've starting writing nonsense shit in here again?

plus this is a picture i like, its my window :

Back

2005-12-05T00:46:00.000-05:00

fuck, what have i gotten myself in to now

it seems like whenever i'm about to publish something on here my computer ends up dying or something goes wrong. I just... can't deal with that right now.

i don't have any time. Today i was sitting in my backyard on our tiny yellow slide, with my cell phone and my dog. It was the first time in awhile i've had time alone where i wasn't having to do something. I guess i could be doing that now but i'm online and i've gotten distracted and i don't need to be completely alone right now. But any ways the slide, i kept calling these people in my contacts list. No one picked up, not one person until Henry's mom who decided she would pretend to be my friend. I lied and told her i liked high school. Then i pretended i had to go. Peter's mom told me she could drive me home from wellspring. For some reason i wanted to walk, but then when she offered again the effort of walking seemed daunting.

i guess i'm just weird like that.

i think sarah might hate me now, even though nina's tried to convince me she doesn't.

whatchya gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk, i'm gonna gonna get you drunk get you love drunk of my humps

i do know every word, and he did keep his deal... hm...

i decided i want to start writing in here again. maybe my mom will finally stop reading it so i can say stuff that i actually mean. Or more stuff i actually think about. Or maybe this is going to turn in to a failure again. I've been living at nina's this entire weekend. It's been amazing. My house is depressing without my dad. And then we went to the mall us four, Dru, Jeramie, Georgia and I. and i acted crazy and different and i felt like how i used to, more than any other time this year. Then we went in the photo booth and were extremely great. I also saw santa. actually i saw santa twice because he gives out candy canes on the Christmas train and life and science. Which.was.amazing. of course.

But the santa train led Nina Ani and I to be in Ninas room and i ended up doing this crazy dance to Rudolf the Red Nosed . After i finished Nina turned to me and was like, "I never see you like that?" i told her it was because she doesn't see me when i'm happy very often. I cut nina's hair last night though, and it looks great. I'm extremely proud. But see, Nina and i are weird. Now especially. We sat and talked last night and tonight about how both of us are changing. Not us as friends but us individually and how everything turning in to metaphors for loss of innocence. So we listened to The Baby-sitter's here over and over again until we got sad enough to stop.

But now i just feel like i have this big pile of things to say and no way of explaining it. And its just me in my room in the dark at twelve and nothing else is as important as writing this, now. I feel like i'm always making myself stop caring to much. I'm always forcing myself in to not actually admit to anything. Dru told me online though :

druapicture16: well that's not bad you can feel that even though its like against some dumb rule you have
druapicture16: LET YOUR INNER LONGING OUT

which basically summarizes everything right now.

Why are people always hiding what we actually think? Why do we never have the balls or whatever to say what we actually want to. We're always hiding because were scared how we're going to fuck everything up.

i'm so sick of hiding but right now i don't really have any other choice. This weekend went by so fast. Sometimes i'm worried i only work in school because i'm completely expected. Sometimes i'm worried i don't even care anymore.

Tracy Chapman is wonderful. Except now i'm listening to James Taylor I need someone to sit me down and just explain to me everything that's going on. Tell me that in the end everything going to be perfectly okay. I think i'm craving anyone who gives that to me. It's like i'm in need of this assurance and i need to latch on to those people who make me less confused for a few moments. And i shouldn't hate school, and i should start my essays sometime before the night before they're due, and i should realize i'm just as immature as i always have been, and i should realize that some things are really amazing.

but i have a good analogy about everything. It invovled creme brulee and mushroom sauce. hahahaha and i do love it. But its time to sleep now with the small propect of nuttella for breakfast. Because those are the kind of things that get me through the day.

Glen

2005-10-13T09:57:00.000-04:00

Glen
Originally uploaded by ninecherries.

i didnt take this, i forgot my camera, but i thought i'd steal someone else's photo.

that was basically my view anyway :)

hehe

Bloc Party

2005-09-28T17:40:00.000-04:00

another

Yes

2005-09-27T15:23:00.000-04:00

okay, let me finish my essay and then i'll tell you ALL about ACL... every little detail with many pictures to go along with it.

I just looked at the cradle website. We are Scientists coming! and Ambulance LTD. and The frames, the last two i saw at ACL.
But basically i need to write my essay now and stop trying to think of a way to get a ride to a concert that isn't for another month. It's not october yet, but when it is i can start really counting down until christmas. school still sucks, but third period is very wonderfull.

Austin was amazing though. I think i'm still in the after glow of it...

and a picture while you wait for me to finish my essay. Cause i know you all want to hear about it so bad:

Ambulance LTD

The crowd on Saturday

works

2005-09-20T20:32:00.000-04:00

its thundering... my windows open

Its really bright and arcade fire's playing. It all works somehow

haha

2005-09-13T16:11:00.000-04:00

i'm in Rob's advisee group

HAHAHAHahahahHAHAHA

'nough said

Type

2005-09-10T00:05:00.000-04:00

hahahaha

Type your sn with your...

nose: uqqj3w5taq67orfan14
elbow: jnamestzhyl,kolfcan14e
chin: nmz ddezxf,m,kfdfdfrcvAnq1er4
feet: jazmedstaayyllorffazn`14
eyes closed and one finger: jsmrdtaylotfsn14
back of hand: jmie4senntgtgazl,hylo1qr4
palm: juamestayulorfranh14
wrist: jsam,frdshtxylolrfan2q4r

i couldn't resist

Breathe Me

2005-09-05T01:06:00.000-04:00

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

I cut my hair, I can hear my dog outside.
We have a gas shortage.
Blogger added to its format and I cried at a puppetshow tonight.
Still, no one is helping the people in New Orleans.
Yet nothing has changed. Everything happens the same exact way and we go through the motions because we have no other choice.We're all going to be exactly the same because deep down we're just trying to survive.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me

I can hear the TV in my parents room but the sound is muffled by the song that's coming from my computer. I'm hope people understand I was frightened, we all were.

I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

I sat and watched my neighbor at the table for ten minutes. She was talking to someone in her living room and I kept watching her hand movements grow as she started leaning forward in her seat. I took another sip of water and thought about things that meant the most to me. Which made me want to call Adam, and then I took another sip of water as my neighbor leaned far enough back you couldn't see her anymore. My dad walks in to the room and asks me something I don't hear. I nod. Then I slowly sip more water before laying the mug down and pushing my chair backwards. I go to watch the last ten minutes of six-feet under which I've been meaning to watch again since I got that song. The one they play in the end while they kill everyone off. My parents come in and watch it with me but they keep pausing to tell me about RENT. I'm thinking about stuff so I don't go upstairs. They start watching The Amazing Race and I curl up on the end of the couch. It's time to go to bed.

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Yesterday was amazing.Ryan tagged along and we rode the bus to West Campus where we got smoothies and asked a random guy to take pictures of us. Then we went outside and made a peace circle while ryan played the harmonica in his pocket. We sung this little light of mine and Molli bravely asks a guy to join us and he pauses before saying he has to shower. Then we pretend to be collage students for a few hours. Somewhere around then I said something about rabbi's and dru says "Who's your rabbi" you know all uh something like. Which means we spent most of the time randomly saying, 'who's your rabbi?' And on the bus Aja comes and sits on my lap and we make fun of the drunk Duke girls. Even though its 6 in the afternoon. the computer just fell on me... Damn I should be sleeping. Basically it was probably some of the best hours in my life. Especially after dinner when everyone was being taken home by Aja's dad except Georgia, Ryan, Aja, and I. We ran around the fountain before turning around 30 times to become 'drunk' and we ran around the field. Then we got Ryan to pole dance on the light poles. It was brilliant because everyone would walk by and he got really in to it. Damn ... Then we crashed Charlie's house. Though, for some reason i keep thinking about secrets and how they end up making things interesting. But still life's exactly the same.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Nina told me the puppet show was amazing and I didn't believe her. That's not what it was. I tell my dad about this song that I found and that he HAS to hear but he tells me mom has already showed him. Which is weird because I wouldn't think mom would have found it. Spencer H. Was at the puppetshow and I talk to him for awhile before getting yelled at by this ugly skinny lady in the row behind me. I don't know why mom keeps telling me Kristie should have been there. The puppets are amazing, of course they are, they always are every year. I kept watching the collage photographer on the side. He kept standing on the stone and waiting, the camera dangling on his neck as he stands. He lifts the camera to his eye and then lowers it. Then stands. He reminds me of something. I don't understand why mom keeps asking me if i remember Kristies wedding. The puppet show, It was wonderful, colorful, and something you feel like is just your own even though its outside on a huge campus. It makes me love living here, just being near the idea of this. I've never really liked it that much before. I don't see why mom keeps telling me Kristie would have loved to be part of it. I realize that masks can seem more real than actual faces and i remember to put that on my blog. After the black monster has eaten most of everything and a bush look alike attempts to kill the pigs, and an assortment of colors flash across the dirt stage a huge green figure emerges. She revives the 'resting' as ani said, dragon and we clap. We're amazed something can be fixed. The dragon starts walking towards the children, all the kids in all the aisles. It starts walking up and it bows its head to everyone can pet it. Oliver stands in the aisle waiting for it to reach him. That's when i cry. I wont look at the dragon and instead i look at the kids running past me. Looking away from anyone in my family. Then I think about how I always sound the same, before i turn and look at the Dragon that's standing almost above me. I don't want to go pet it, I've grown out of that. And I realize way to suddenly I'm not like these kids anymore.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Me, Oliver, Leo, and Mom, we get in the car. The boys fuss and beg for Yellow Submarine but we wont give in. I forget what we were talking about, but I start playing my ipod. I play the song for the second time as we near the house. I don't want to analyze it, but we're quiet. I'm mouthing the words in the dark car and so is mom. The song pauses. In the way it always does. We pull in to the driveway but she doesn't turn off the car and i stop my movements for the door. I turn to look at my mom. And she has her head against the cars seat and she's just listening. And, that's the moment I realize my mom is just a person. An amazing person yes, but still she's not at all perfect. Suddenly everything's real. I don't see why mom never told me beofre. This idea she could be a little scared too. And I get choked up, because I basically cry whenever theirs silence. So I turn away towards the window because i could never stand reality.

Class

2005-08-31T17:16:00.000-04:00

Classes are...

1st-Foundations Of Lit. With Jamie
2nd-Introduction to Physical Science With Matt
3rd-African American Lit. With Jamie
4th-Intigrated 310/ Trig. With Dave
5th-Spanish II With Rob
6th-Middle School TA
7th-Beginning Acting With Susan
8th-Orientation Class

Mostly so I will Remember

Life's pretty boring

I ran in to Matt, the teacher, like ran ran in to him. During meeting for worship today Dru turns to me after Benjamin talked and says quietly in my ear, "hello captain obvious." I laughed for awhile, though i suppose it wasn't that funny. And Dylan imitated Juliettes brother in an english accent which was the best thing about lunch. Oh and during meeting for worship Sam Miron did an interpretive dance that was very very wonderful.

All my classes are really small, all except math. I think first period has like eight or ten, same with second and third. Fourth period is a huge, i think it has 18. But Matt told us, his second period class that being smaller is a lot better. I just think its weird not to be in classes with half our grade. I feel so separated from a lot of people, mostly ones in second period math. Dave, during fourth period asks us random questions as he calls our name. Dru and I were sitting next to each other and being like shit! i hope he doesn't ask us anything hard cause older people are in the class. He asked me if its worse having him as a temporary advisor or a teacher... I had no idea what to say and then was like, teacher because i'm stuck with you all year. I didn't think it was that funny and everyone else thought so and all i could think was YES i made sophomores and juniors laugh. Which shows how insignificant i've been feeling these past days. Spanish will be uh... all right i suppose.

I just bit my cuticle so my fingers bleeding, its really gross and really hurts. I'm ganna go get a Band-Aid. Seriously this is all that's interesting going on in my life. Oh right fencing sucked. The first time its actually ever sucked. It was deathly hot in there and i was scared matt would walk in any moment and didn't want him to and i was tired and upset and i did awful. I really don't want to talk about what i'm thinking though. Not now, not for awhile. My parents accuse me and whatever they say i say i'm not doing it. Or that yes i'm fine. Your acting weird, no i'm not. Are you okay, yeah i'm fine. Your having a fit, no no i'm not. Your freaking out, no no i'm not. ITs just me, messed up right now hoping that things don't end up a huge disappointment.

Jellyfish

2005-08-28T14:53:00.000-04:00

and its the most interesting thing when you realize the reason after three months why you like school so much better then your home.

The best part of vacation was realizing that Dad and I had both read the same article about jellyfish in the NY times while i was at tip. The story was really cool. Both of us attempt to explain to our guide about the complexity of jellyfish and we both realize were talking about the same article. That was pretty awesome...

and i really like them
and these guys

Canada Eh?

2005-08-26T19:17:00.000-04:00

*sigh*

and i'm back.

finally

I love Salt spring Its my favorite place in the world.

and Joe just made my life with a joke. I'm out of the bitter mood i was in the last two hours.

But I finished the summer reading on the plane this afternoon. I loved one and the other one annoyed the shit out of me for a lot of reasons. Not saying that learning about race isn't highly important and not saying that the story wasn't amazing but still, it was a terribly written book that's so...so... I hate books that talk about families. I'm to annoyed at the world to enjoy things like that. So that gave me something to complain about, though the other book was amazing. But read the Graphic Novel, Persepolisbecause its actually interesting though everyone seems to hate it in my grade. What's with that?

The highlight was Oliver calling me Mommy though. I was baby-sitting them for a few hours one morning while my parents and Sasha went on a walk. And he goes "Mommy, will you get me some orange juice." And I grinned at him, "You just called me Mommy, you just called me mommy." He corrects himself automatically, "Becca will you get me some orange juice." Leo jumps in, You just called her Mommy! We make fun of him and then i pour him orange juice before i teach them how to bump down the stairs.

I played a lot of Pokemon with Sasha, I forgot how completely addicting it is and how amazing you feel when you grow Charizard another level. Its like your god except the people aren't real... But Leo and Oliver are cute and Leo knows all the words to Yellow Submarine which is his favorite. While Oliver knows all the words to Maxwell's Silver Hammer and likes it best. They also know all of When i'm 64 which is my favorite to watch them sing...

And to drive my parents insane i taught them to sing a song in the car...
Mmmmm Ah went the little green frog one day
Mmm Ah went the little green frog
Mmm Ah went the little green frog one day
and his eyes went Mmm Ah Mmm Ah Ah

Vroom Vroom went the big gray truck one day
Squish Squish went the little green frog
And his Eyes didn't go Mmm Ah anymore
cause they got eaten by a dog
Woof
Woof

Again, *sigh*

Agreed

2005-08-15T22:40:00.000-04:00

i'm going at five in the morning tomorrow to canada... and my mom is not letting me bring my computer so i'm disconnected for ten days. I'm in an awfull mood though i probably have no reason to be.

"But, please remember me fondly i heard from someone your still pretty and they went on to say that the pearly gates has some elequent graffiti like words like lost and found and dont look down and someone saved temptation and please remeber me, seldomly"

shit iron and wine is stuck in my head. I can't think of anything... nothing...i have a lot to think about but nothing to say. I found a cool band on myspace today, and that was exciting. Also at Elmos last week a guy was sitting on the bench and Nina told me he worked at Bean Traders. I agreed and we ended up fighting over if he was jewish or not...He was and i attempted to explain this to Nina. He was working their today, at bean traders when i got my latte. I started to wonder if he was jewish and gay because he looks like the actor in Angels in America but then of course that actor probably isn't gay at all. I was about to ask him if he was jewish but instead i looked out of the window for awhile debating if i should say anything. I realized i probably shouldn't.

I just remebered that gus and george didnt ever succeede in teaching me how to tackle...Damn i was so bad at that

Alright

bye

Love

2005-08-13T19:45:00.000-04:00

via the post :

Yesterday's announcement that Courtney Love had tested positive for drugs came as no surprise to anyone who attended the Comedy Central roast of Pamela Anderson Sunday night at the Sony Studios in L.A. Love was "out of it" when she arrived. On the red carpet, she slammed her head into a photographer's lens while posing for a close-up, a source said. During the roast, Love, seated on the dais, repeatedly flashed her crotch at the crowd, pulled up her shirt to reveal a lacy black bra and shouted "Drugs on the house!" She babbled incoherently into the microphone for ten minutes — prompting more than a few people to tell the rocker to be quiet. After Love shouted, "I'm sober over a year now," host Jimmy Kimmel said, "If this is sober, there is a real problem." One audience member snickered, "She makes Andy Dick look like a choirboy." The roast will be televised Sunday at 10.

*sigh*

though i still love her

Sleep

2005-08-12T01:58:00.000-04:00

i've been staring at this red light on my cealing for the last twenty minutes. I know its been twenty minutes because i started right when the watch, the one i got when i was about nine beeped. This watch beeps exactly seven minutes before the hour, years ago got attached to this setting and its the only way i ever know how long i've been not sleeping. If you roll your eyes while watching this red light it moves. I think its the fire alarm. It only moves if you roll your eyes though, if you move them side to side it stays exactly where it is. Well its about twenty minutes since seven until one. So i guess then its a little after one. I keep lying there, and once in awhile this memory will come up and i'll roll over on to my pillow grinning because its so rediculously great. Like the time where we all tried to walk on the wall in the study room in Alspaugh, and Dylan taught us. Or the last day of camp, and Michael sitting on the bed next to me and i see him so clearly being so... so... him. Or two years ago that time where, or last summer when... I tried to get my room as dark as possible but thats not the problem. I have to wake up early tomorrow and i swore to my dad i'd be cheerfull. Go to bed, he told me at twelve. Well i'm in bed, i promise. Remembering moments always make me want for the moments again. But haven't i achieved the feeling of the moment already? Isn't it enough that I had the experiance and can always remember that. I suppose. Maybe i shouldn't think about that right now. I always wonder what other people think about when their trying to sleep.

hm, why do teachers thing writing poetry advances our intelligence. It might make us more soulfull or interesting but why are we required to right cinquains and hiaku's when really we know no one actually makes an effort to make them good if their for a teacher. I hated second period last year and no one realized why. That made it special in some way, i have a secret, not a very good one but still. Or the secret that i always have to sleep facing away from the wall, on my back because i'm scared of things...And i used to (and sometimes still) for awhile, during the day avoid mirrors because i was scared to see what other people saw.

No one knows what i think about when i'm falling asleep. It's always changing and never that interesting really. But, I always want to know what other people want...i'm not sure what else is as personal.

My clock beeped again, i suppose i should go and try to rest or something. Maybe i'll play with the red light a bit more.

Running

2005-08-10T01:31:00.000-04:00

My computer died. Everything’s gone. All my pictures, all my music, all my documents, i'm on my dads computer and i like myspace you should go there. Hey, it’s my 100th post.

It's one of those moments when I’m actually happy with myself. I'm smiling, and singing along to Jack Johnson. I'm wearing sweatpants and my huge headphones, the lights off and I hear nothing besides the music. And I know as long as I stay in this room I have no responsibilities, because i don't know what i should be doing instead. I bought this song but the quality isn't that bad. "Waiting waiting on you, must i always be waiting waiting on you." Maybe if i make it loud enough I’ll forget things are going on around me. These are also one of those moments when i realize sometimes I’m the happiest when I’m by myself. I look around and the chorus plays for the last time and i wonder if the tickets are sold out yet, and if Nina's going to not shut up about it tomorrow. But i really don't care. My goal is to write this, so I’m not going to dwell on the small thoughts i have. Instead i repress them as much as i can and turn up the music a little louder. Now we're talking.

Ah, Spoon. "Now this little girls she says..." Brilliant. This is the reason I’d had stopped listening to music when i wrote. It distracts me because i end up sitting staring off in to space wondering, honestly about what i was thinking last night. I slept over at Georgia's. It was one of those times when you’re both thinking such weird things and it’s finally an acceptable time to bring them up. Now, this is the time where i would tell you about our conversation, but i can't. Because, i always remember someone whose reading the post who will be offended. But then, it gets worse because i see my mom reading that sentence and respecting me more for not mentioning anything that would make anyone offended ever because being honesty like that isn't okay to make public. Uh, but now i see her thinking that was a mean sentence about her, and she’s going to want to defend her thinking like that but that wasn't what i was saying at all. I like my mom and we've been getting along really well, or well enough. And shit, I’ve walked myself in to a wall. I got in a fight with my parents a few nights ago, maybe about a week now. They mentioned my blog and they were telling me to change something, and my parents used the parental authority to make me do things excuse and i got up and left. My dad followed me a few minutes later, and we hadn't been getting along since he got back. We talked and it doesn't matter. I was upset, i asked him what he meant by self continues in his comment to the previous entry. He told me that it seemed like i was censoring my self. "uh yeah," i said, "i don't want to actually say anything i'm thinking." First time ever. So, because of my dad i'm typing something, and trying so hard to not think about other people. I'm really trying. I'm still deleting every other sentence because i think they sound awful. My dad asks me, "And, about boys? Anything having to do with them? " And i kind of lost it. And its stupid, its so stupid that he was a lot more right than i would like to admit.

It was one of those conversations where everything will be okay afterwards and you both know that once he gets you a bowl of ice cream everything will be all right in the end. But, the terrifying thing was that it wasn't. I still think he's being the coldest to me he's ever been, and still when i got upset about something for the first time i got in the car and turned my phone from vibrate to normal to vibrate to normal, until my fingers tingled a little. It wasn't what i expected, so i ran away.

I like Iron and Wine a lot, Upward Over the Mountain is being played on repeat and its one of those songs that... haha i honestly don't know how i was going to end that sentence. Maybe it always depends.
...some says the sun brings hope where it once was forgotten suns are like birds flying always over the mountain..."

I got invited to Nina’s to have a tea party and i didn't go home for three days. We watched movies, and sat in coffee shops, and listened to Courtney Love. We discussed how gross certain people we used to like are. And we stayed up until three talking about the meaning of life. Lee and Elena were around too, once in awhile. Every day we had big plans to do something 'awesome' but this thing was only accomplished when we weren't searching for it. I got mad at her for not getting any action at camp, we discussed this for hours because hey, theirs nothing else to do. I could elaborate but i don't remember the details. One of the most interesting things we touched on was goals in our lives. Which lead to this obvious one that people point out, oh well the goal in life is to be happy. That’s bullshit. I even believed that for a while, i think we trick ourselves in to believing this thing because it’s an easy want. We want to be happy and that’s the goal. But we don't, because once you start asking people about this, asking them if they really want to be completely happy they all say yes, but then take it back saying that they would hate it because complete happiness is boring. "I'm really happy" Nina tells me lying in her room the last night i slept over. "I don't think i show it enough, I don't think you think I’m happy because you don't see me all the time, but i'm so happy, i'm really happy" But she shouldn't be thinking i had any doubts. I know Nina's really happy and I love that she is and she can admit to it. She doesn't overshadow it with pretending to find excuses to be miserable. "I'm really happy too," I told her, "You have to understand that also." I definitely wasn't lying. I roll over on the air mattress on the floor. "But, the reason why i'm so afraid of growing up is..." I paused, "I don't know one adult who's truly happy." I roll back on my mattress and think for a second. "No, i know two, both of them not being happy for a majority of their adult lives to begin with." Nina thinks for a second before saying, all right i know one. I suppose you could say the same things about kids, or teenagers but its not the same at all. Kids, like my friends we aren’t actually unhappy. We aren’t stuck in our lives because theirs always that hope that we'll grow out of this town or this place and finally be a real person. Nina and I talk about this, and i start believing it more and more. Adults I think about, and revere I see their weaknesses as obvious. I just feel like your entire life your always waiting for things in your life to get better, you always need to change everything because your goal is to make everything perfect. Everyone is secretly unhappy with some major point in their life. People are just tolerating their lives because they have no other choice. Society sets you up so easily but even when you love someone to a point of obsession there comes a point they drive you mad. I know very few people actually happily married, completely happy with their choices. How disappointing, we're working towards something that always has you wanting a little bit more.
So, their is no meaning to life really, and Camus says i'm even using that as an excuse to find meaning. Nina asked me what was wrong with finding a meaning. Theirs none, i told her, but theirs some satisfaction when you feel like your breaking a code.

I'm happy but i'm terrified of growing out of it.

What’s holding people back from actually being completely content with their lives. I'm not blaming people who complain; i'm wondering how to get rid of the thing they’re complaining about.

Georgia tells me she’s unhappy, and i tell her looking straight at her that that is not true at all so she rephrases it a little. Maybe she’s, maybe i shouldn't have told her she wasn't but in that moment I couldn't believe it. Hm, I hope Dru's doing well i haven't talked to her or Jeramie in awhile.

i hate when people reveal so much about themselves that theirs nothing left to guess so you have no choice but to slowly get annoyed

I've been playing something Nina said the other night in my head for a while. Which is perfect for me to say as i'm listening to Jump the only band i really connect with Nina. "Love," she tells me. "You know how everyone is always saying that they don't want to say love until they actually mean it."
"Yes"
"Well isn't that a little ridiculous, i mean,"
"Whoa," I interrupt, "This is the opposite of what you've been saying forever, like at Martha’s," I say, "When we got in that fight about it. I mean you've changed but you understand..."
"Yes i understand that i said that i'm not pretending i didn't. So basically shouldn't it be that love is something you should use all the time. Because words don't lose meaning just by saying them really. Words mean different things by the way that you say them. Love is more powerful in different context but why," I'm listening intentively and she pauses as if analyzing why. "Why do we restrict ourselves from saying it. Why do we restrict the word love, probably the word we should be using the most? Why are we not telling everyone we love them all the time. I mean, why is this word restrictive when this is one of the best things we could be saying to people." She sits back. She's not actually asking me and she understands i agree when i'm silent. This stays with me, has stayed with me, and i haven't answered... i realize i know even less then i thought as i get older.

And we open the blinds a little and crack up hysterically. And we both curse laughing and hugging the pillows underneath us. "But he's soooooooo fat'" Georgia assures me, "Oh. My. God." She says sitting up a little more. "Fat with two t's like Hott except bad." This is brilliantly ridiculous and i nod in complete agreement. We laugh, "smells like goat," she says between breaths. And that’s it, Georgia's off the bed because she was laughing so hard and i'm trying to breath. And we don't go to sleep for another two hours.

Please close your eyes please close your eyes if you don't want to say please close your eyes the sun will rise and keep your mind at ease so close your eyes please close your eyes.....

Meaning

2005-07-30T02:32:00.000-04:00

I’m yelling quite loudly at my parents as I stand on our couch attempting to get them to understand. “I think your going through a phase,” this is what my dad says to make me finally stop rambling. “And,” he adds as an afterthought, “Your mother agrees with me.”
“What?” Mom attempts reassures me, “Everyone's going through phases at different times and this is a new phase that yes, you are in.” The parents look up at me waiting for my next move. I say the only thing I can say in this situation and I say it as loud as i possibly can. “I am NOT going through a phase!”

I had another strange dream two nights ago.
Later, when i tell Georgia about this dream sitting in the coffee shop she mildly nods. She messes with the straw lightly in her teeth twirling around the ice in her cup. She honestly could care less, and I wonder if its important I share this information at all. I come to the conclusion it is and go on though I know what Georgia's thinking about while I talk and trust me it definitely has nothing to do with me.
It would be so symbolic if my dreams all connected, I myself would be proud at my intellect. Instead they seem to be random, unexciting things to keep my restless mind content while i sleep. I had another one last night, i’m starting to really enjoy them.

This is the conversation we have right before I tell her about my dream. Georgia before i tell Georgia,
I comment to no one in general about my weirdness and georgia agrees with me saying, “Well of course your weird, i’ve known you for awhile and always known your weird.” Which strikes me as a very interesting thing to say and suddenly i desperately want to have this conversation. “But i am weird,”
“Yes, very very weird.” Which i still find fascinating because even i know I am not that odd, i mean, honestly, i can hold a conversation most of the time and i’m not strange, i’m just weird. Though i thought i was normalizing out but this normalization has brought this even larger confusion where i was actually weird before and now i’m normal and how is that possible, its just weird. But not even really, just in the context as we were partially comparing me to another person. So i bet she didn't actually mean weird at all, so none of this is actually relevant. fuck, thetas disappointing.
“But he’s so normal,” I say talking about this other person. "And apparently i’m weird.”
“No no, but see it works out well because you’re so weird and hes so super normal that hes normal for you both and your weird for you both. Does that make sense?” She looks up from the table. ‘It works really well, but you wouldn’t think it would you know.” She repeats the last line for emphasis. “It works really well.” Then she looks up at me somewhat pleading for a reason both of us know. “It has to work out really well.”
This is the part where i believe her because that will make everything easier. But i can’t help but wonder if were just bullshitting ourselves in this reality and making up things as we go along. Which is what we are doing, but I don’t care and i nod. “So,” I smirk finding this to be the perfect moment to discuss my dream, ruining any profoundness that could have been found in our conversation. “In this dream i’m hanging out with Joe and we’re going to sit and wait for these people and your in this dream but you don’t show up until after, and i sit on this log and Joe says, get this, Joe says...”
Which only makes me sound weird if you take it out of context.

Dru and I sit on the Regulator couch and discuss school, for an hour and a half. I come extremely close to touching the reason I don’t don’t want to go to school but we don’t. Maybe because I didn’t realize the reason until five minutes ago, literally. Then we eat at Elmos, then we talk about Harry Potter for half an hour. I desperately want the restaurant to play Weezer, for some reason it seems fitting. Photograph, I want them to play photograph so I can gasp and say something along the lines of “Ohhh my god I CAN NOT believe they are playing this song.” But they don’t and instead I mess with the ketchup on my plate and mention an interview I read somewhere.
Which is the same tone i discuss things with Sarah when she comes over. I lean over the bowl mixing in the eggs and she mentions Bruce Springsteen. It’s calm, wonderful and makes you feel as though your more interesting then you probably actually are. I love that feeling. Sarah calls me this morning and we talk and are interesting in each others lives for a few minutes before we graze upon the common ground of my mom, or nina, then we comment on seeing the other in the common presence of either my mom or nina and then we say nice goodbyes and both hang up and I feel good and go over the phone conversation in my head as I grab some milk.

The phone has been ringing for the past half hour and i happen to be the only one home. It’s been Sarah twice and Mariah the rest of the 5 times. My phone is on vibrate for a reason and i’ve slammed the door to try and drown out the ringing. I have a huge pet peeve of partially closed doors. This has led to many screaming matches at my brother as i attempt to get him to close the door without me having to get out of my bed. Last night I lay in bed for around two hours. I could have easily kept reading and fallen asleep faster but it was partially a challenge to see if I could fall asleep on my thoughts alone. I guess it worked because the last thing I remember is another very vivid dream involving me knowing something everyone else didn’t. Superiority. I was making pancakes this morning and carelessly realized i fear people looking down on me, and talking down to me. That and judgment are two very different things. Anyway i wont stay on this topic for long, I don’t want to be self reflective this morning.

Mariah calls me, it is one of the most boring conversation i’ve ever had. Their is no need to even explain the existent of it. I’ve hung up and now i’m mildly confused about what to do next. This comforting thought process leads me to staring at my computer screen wondering if their is any way i could get Jon Stewart to father my children. I realize their is none which is slightly disappointing. Myrian calls me downstairs to yell at me, which is something thetas been giving her a lot of joy this week. This is the reason I like to hide upstairs when I wake up. Supposedly i didn’t clean up the kitchen enough though it looks perfectly fine to me. She gives me a short lecture which i’ve learned to tune out very well. You stand, or sit on the counter and nod, say yes, agree, nod, apologize for whatever the fuck you did, nod, and think about how your going to get the ice cream out of the fridge without Myrian yelling again. Yesterday this lecture went on for about fifteen minutes, this morning i was spared at five. This kind of Superiority doesn’t make me mad, it just makes me better at pretending to care. I always do what she says though, because in the end shes always right
I know your trying to see the meaning behind my small casual overly personal remarks, i promise you they mean nothing. I swear that each one of these small sentences is just another way i use experience to end a paragraph. But, this is the time you tell me that it must mean something as everything does, or maybe you aren't and don’t care but the daughter of the psychiatrist in me is willing me to ask these questions. I will not admit to them meaning anything. This is all bullshit, I honestly don’t care. Right?
This entry’s jumping through time. It doesn’t have an actual logical placement. One thing happened yesterday, the other more than a week and a half ago. Most of it happened this morning. Just now I emailed Georgia. I asked her if I was going through a phase, of course thetas not all I said because even I can’t get away with an e-mail like that. I know what shes going to say when she writes back. She wont be definite, and she wont actually answer my question. I don’t mind, i knew she wouldn’t yet i want her to answer any ways.
I spend and hour in mad hatter talking about books and students with my teachers from TIP. With no offense to anyone who was part of my life this week, that was by far the best part. Though beating, no slaughtering Sasha and Sandi in Gin Rummy was quite an accomplishment. I sit and talk about the llama with my TA and fourth years then I find Nina. We talk, its great, i beg her to run away with me next week. She elects we should go camping then changes her mind when she remembers shes talking to me. Then she has to go to dinner so I leave.

Now, this is the part where i put my headphones in and drown out everything with music. But instead all I can think is that its way to fucking hot outside, if I think about TIP i’ll cry, and maybe Sandi’ll let me get Cosmic for dinner as i’ve eaten nothing today and its five at night.
I stand waiting for someone to stop to let me cross the street for a few minutes. No ones stopping and I stand their waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
Which i’m hoping is some kind of metaphor but i really don’t think it is.

Analyze

2005-07-23T01:25:00.000-04:00

This is me, one in the morning in front of my mirror. I'm in my new PJ's and a t-shirt that i found in my closet yesterday which was nice. I momentarily play with my hair and then stand there with my hands over my mouth just kind of thinking. Sad that i'm thinking about topher grace instead of the millions of other more interesting things happening around me. Whatever, i run my fingers through my hair again. I desperately want to turn on Bruce Springsteen and it takes me awhile to finally find myself in bed. Lately everything takes awhile. Why Springsteen? I turn it low, i’m afraid of waking my parents up. Suddenly i don’t want them to know anything about me. I’m experimenting with myself it seems.I keep telling myself i’m getting closer but i keep changing my mind. I’m stubborn, have you realized by now? I’m stubborn and opinionated and non-commitive and- and- i can’t stop staring at the red blinking light on my ceiling. My blinds are partially open and the lines look like bars, prison bars. The sky outside is pink tinted and for some reason i can’t believe outside is home, durham, or at least not one in the morning. Springsteen got old so i switched to Ben, why do i hold on to music so much for my emotions? Why do i cling to it as if my identity... i don't know. The reason i have nothing to say is because i understand it so perfectly and for the first time i don’t want everyone to know. Do you believe it? Well fucking-A i’ve grown up.

I can’t do this right now.

I don’t know why

I wasn’t going to put this on my blog. Because my blog was this thing where i could write anything. Well obviously i can’t do that anymore and i’m sitting in my room and writing these entries in my head and their poet and perfect. Then i sit down and write them and i sound like a whiny bitch were i’m complaining about my perfect life. Then you realize that people understand you .... and thats the last thing you want to admit. Because i feel like i’m not allowed to complain, i’m not allowed to actually talk about shit thats going on. Why? because i have no reason to complain about anything and i hate people who make things out to be awful when really they aren't. See i’m complaining now! haha its like existential class on the first day! So, this is the deal i haven’t been wanting to write anything. I haven’t wanted to actually type down it all because its so stupid and trivial but maybe as i slowly want to write about things going on in my head i’m ganna publish them. Like tomorrow when i’m home, alone because no one fucking is here. And no one is going to give me shit about complaining and over analyzing everything (which i discovered is the reason i’m going to end up alone... but thats another story)Well i wasn’t ganna publish this, but i thought you guys needed an update. I’m fine, fencing camp was amazing despite the fact that has it now lies matt and i aren't talking... but see for some reason i really don’t know why i think everything is hilariously funny. Like Sam being an asshole to me, or not talking to matt for example, or being yelled at by the Avid video guy, or myrians snide comments about the baking soda i spilled. I just don’t care.

I just can’t take anything seriously. Which might lead me in to big trouble, which would give me something to do this summer.

I

2005-07-18T17:25:00.000-04:00

i love thunderstorms

i've decided i want to stay exactly where i am for awhile

Dante

2005-07-16T21:16:00.000-04:00

DANTE IS THE BEST MEXICAN EVER

.... better now?

Explosion

2005-07-10T14:03:00.000-04:00

My lamp exploded

Actually thats a lie. My lamp started hissing above me while i was on my bed this morning and when i look up sparks are flying from it. Yeah, and its still hissing. So i'm terrified and can't see anything cause my contacts arn't in and i run out of the room, stand by my doorway flick the lightswitch until it stops hissing and sparks arn't flying anymore. Then i go and sit back at my computer and forget about it completely after twenty seconds. Then the room starts to smell and the fire alarm goes off so i run downstairs thinking no ones home. But actually my dads upstairs in his study and couldn't find me as i was downstairs and then we opened my windows and it doesn't smell as bad anymore. But i'm avoiding the spot where the lamp is hanging, my mom would be so mad if it killed me.

I'm off to fencing camp for a week. Joy. I'll see you guys later.

Dough

2005-07-08T16:14:00.000-04:00

And to the Terrorist attacks in London... Unbelievable and I have nothing to say, I have nothing I can say except what's wrong with this world. Makes you realize it could happen anywhere we're never safe. Is this life? What's the point their trying to make, its not London's fucking fault. In the NY times article yesterday bush is quoted saying that he couldn't believe someone would do this to a group of folks. A GROUP OF FOLKS. God dammit this world is filled with idiots.

I don't remember what day it is, its terrifying. I sat in the kitchen today and kept trying to remember if it was Wednesday or Thursday, and if that was important or really it didn't matter anyway.

Okay, So I haven't written since Saturday right? I haven't written for a reason, I just haven't wanted to. I've been at my computer, watching Sex and the City, or Jon Stewart, or uploading camp photos and I kept checking on my blog as if I thought something would write itself. That didn't happen, and by Monday I was hoping that I would get my act together because it was getting tedious staring at the same entry over and over. I've never put off writing something so much, well a blog entry atleast. It's not that i had nothing to say, on the contrary I have way to much to say. So i've been thinking about this blog and the sudden urge not to write. On Tuesday I attempted to catch up on the entries on my friends blogs. Dammit, who knew people could write so much in three weeks. So yeah and while i'm reading them I got fucking jealous. Why the fuck does Henry have 14 comments while I have nine on the most commented entry. It was one of those times when you think everyone is going to love you when you come back and instead no ones around. Not that I needed that love, for the first time its not necessary. Told you i'm kind of a bitch. But seriously who actually reads this entire thing all the way through? Seriously, on Tuesday bored out of my mind on a friends blog I just searched for my name. Afterwards I read the entire thing because i felt like I had to and it was something to do at two in the morning. So yes jealousy and complete uninterested has led this blog to being unupdated.

These are the things I think about while I lean against the counter in the kitchen with a spoon, attempting to find the cookie dough bits in the Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream. The spoon hits the bottom, i've eaten all the cookie dough bits. I don't like chocolate ice cream that much.

So, (shit i have to stop saying that) as unintelligent as I am i'm writing this blog entry and get distracted because I want to look up someone on my space and I find a TIP group, and then another TIP group on live journal and before i know it i'm reading every live journal connected to TIP that I can find and i'm finding all these random pictures of my friends and slowly i'm sinking lower and lower in to my bed. I miss it way to much. I love all those people so much and for the first time in a week I finally realized its over. Now i'm in this awful depressive mood that nothing is fixing, including that amazing Banana bread I made this afternoon. Dammit, you have no idea how much I miss it. I told Jennifer online and she was being really sweet, yeah, she says, its kind of like home. Then I had to sign off really quickly and raid that half baked for more cookie dough bits but they were all gone. I'm downstairs now with my mom actually. I'm on the floor and shes listening to counting crows as usual. I just discovered a fire detector above the the thing that leads towards the stairs. Shit, what an awful description, i'll show you next time you come to my house. I've made my mom stop playing her counting crows songs... I can't listen to Round Here for the thousandth time. I should be upstairs right now, but i'm to tired to move. I hate my personality sometimes, I know when i'm not being nice, but I can't stop it. You learn way to much about your personality at TIP.

"said i should have put her back there if i could... everyone needs a better day and i'm trying to find me a better way..."

I'm so impatient I can't listen to ends of songs.... It rained again today. I haven't ever been able to sleep with my blinds open, i've always been scared someone will be able to see in. I don't even think i'm scared anymore but its an etched in fear. The same fear of sticking your fingers in to a fan. Gus proved to me with plastic fans nothing happens to your fingers. I was in awe. I've given up on trying to stop biting my fingernails. Its a lost cause, i bite them, i always will, theirs no point in restricting myself. Though I found the only person my age who has the same size hands as me and she happened to live behind me this entire time. Nina and I were both amazed when the others hands weren't bigger. Fourth of July we went to Bean Traders after sitting on those things at Oval park and drinking lemonade. We ordered iced chais and sat downstairs for two hours before ordering steamers, then sitting another hour before ordering flavored hot chocolate and talking another hour. Yesterday my dad took a break from the Bar Study and we ended up driving to the Healthy Back Store to get him a new back cushion and I found a mattress with a remote and drove the man working there insane while I played with it for ten minutes. You could move the top and bottom and bend it in all these weird ways.

Then we bought a treadmill. So now our dining room has a treadmill that got delivered while I was making banana bread today. I didn't change out of my Spider man PJ's all day. On the way to Raleigh to get the treadmill/starbucks/look longingly at remote controlled mattresses/starbucks again (you think i'm kidding about how much time I spend buying coffee with different people) dad and I messed around with the CD's in the car. We ended up shutting up after awhile and listening to Joni Mitchell which lead us to discussing interesting woman and love, which is the place where i disagree with Foucaut's theory's. As I tried to explain in class, love from parents to kids or family, or just people is natural and not formed because of the society. I had paused then continued, Maybe this is just me hoping that its authentic love but I refuse to believe love is conventional. I can't believe that yet, not now.

We have someone who's been hanging out with the babies at night while my mom writes her paper. He just graduated from Duke and after the babies went to bed we ended up talking about the Democratic National Convention for fifteen minutes over chinese. He was there. My moms ganna kill me for saying this but its amazing how my parents relationship has changed lately. I feel like i'm not wincing when one makes a not so helpful comment suddenly everything isn't a struggle. Last night we ate dinner together, well me and my parents and somehow the conversation got to Wills which my dad is studying in BAR study. "Dad and I found the worst place to be buried." I say laughing. "Yeah we did, Right off the highway no tombstones or anything."
"Yeah, instead these awful fake flowers" So suddenly were talking about burying my parents and their being so connected and keep being like "Aw honey i want to be buried next to you." So yeah thats sweet but never have they been like this for a week straight. My mom wants to be cremated but changes her mind when dad says he doesn't. But see, I explain, i'm completely atheist. Yeah, me too. My mom says. My dad shakes his head and messes with the food on his plate. Yeah you guys don't know what your talking about.

Weird sometimes I feel like an only child. Though i've been hanging out with my brother more than ever. Though I was attempting to tell him about my dream last night and i was like well i lied down on this bed and my brother coils back thinking i'm going to tell him something he doesn't want to hear. It wasn't like that, i laugh. Theirs no point he doesn't care about my dream anywise.

So Gus just told me hes reading my blog and he says its nice. I don't know if thats a sly insult or a really sweet compliment. I want it to be a compliment so i'm going with that.

It's taken me 3 days to finish this. Its not even that long. Shit.. i have to call adam and my grandma.... and finish Georgias letter. Though I woke up this morning and watched the OC with Ryan and Marrisa on the Ferris Wheel. *sigh* which i believe is Nina's favorite episode. I also realized Summer and Seth don't have a very good first kiss which is kind of disappointing when your thinking about episodes to watch. Hehe i love my OC.... the season two comes out on DVD August 23rd. I bought an EP by Ben Kweller, Ben Folds, and Ben Lee... this one song crossfire wont get out of my head. Hm, you know what would be good, Cookie dough ice cream not only in my freezer but maybe a pint of heath bar too. Or maybe just convincing my dad to get me a magazine. Summers treating me well.

Eh

2005-07-03T10:36:00.000-04:00

eh... i'm back

Camus

2005-06-26T14:21:00.000-04:00

Albert Camus... ah suddenly Emerson is erased from my mind....

Axle

2005-06-20T16:28:00.000-04:00

So... its been a week and i've sufficiently learned that....

I desperately want to sleep with Emerson

I just have to wait until i get to Fucout

Everyone is selfish, and Nietzeh is right most of the time

I wish I could blog more often because i've been thinking way to much

My roommate is kick ass awesome

When Gus and George aren't hanging out in our room during free time were lost and walk around aimlessly until we decide to go in to the computer lab. When we open the door I yell when I see Gus' bright red hair "Their they are!" and every single head turns my way and me and Jennifer run out of the building laughing hysterically.

Axle Foaly is god... though is last name is Schum

Hoebag is a very good insult

Alex is a pimp

Wayd is super creepy but makes up for it because of his tube of cookie dough

Boner Boy is a rapist

Gus just walked up behind me mumbled something then walked away... I don't know what it was... i said hey but by the time I turned around he was gone with Donald. hm.... Why is no one online!?!?!?!?

I get really weird during evening sessions and make odd comments such as "were all gay.. party!" and wave my hands in the air until Kate tells me i'm weird and Amanda just nods... shes used to it by now.

I'm apparently 'one of those people' but in a good way... says Amanda

I carry around a Nalgene everywhere

Dante figured out you can fill it with lemonade and George filled his empty cup up with free lemonade at Wellspring when we went yesterday.

Gus bought us chocolate covered pretzels ... at a price

90's pop is best heard from underneath our window being sung by our RAG

Again Axle is god

So many people are Bisexual here... its like a massive group i feel left out of

Other people around me are blogging... only at tip

Anthony has a binary watch that for half an hour i checked every minute to see if i could read it

"Keep my momma out of it and i'll keep this out of your mom."

Michael is funny no matter what he says

Our room is the party room

I miss home... kind of... not really

I have so much to say...

I poured water on Chris one day and yesterday I poured milk all over him, and the wall, because Billie told me to and didn't think i'd actually do it.

Billie=Asshole
Chris=Asshole 2 though he doesn't know this ranking while as Gus is #3 and attempted to get everyone to turn against me because I said i disliked Dave Mathews Band. Gus has never met a straight edge person but desperately wants to.

Older guys think Jennifer's hot cause she is.

Everyone HATES Durham

Gus and Donald and Michael just took my key to go find twinkies in my room but as I want to finish writing this i didnt go with them which was really stupid as I have no reason to trust them and I know they'll be going through our stuff. Whatever I don't care. I really don't want to go to evening session tonight though I seriously spent 8 hours reading today. All of this nietzie stuff and I explained why i disliked our school with lack of competition ... and blabla okay well Jennifer's done so I should run. Leave me some comments I miss you guys and calling is nice ;) or I saw Jeramie and Wellspring. I am so jealous of your cooking class guys... okay well I have to go return Kates boyfriends sweatshirt and go make sure all my stuff is still in my room. and... Axle is god

Brazen

2005-06-12T11:39:00.000-04:00

I've been asked by a few people in the last day or two why I haven't written another entirely to long, boring entry about my life. Actually just really Joe who wants to keep himself entertained. And you'd think that because i'm leaving tomorrow for three weeks without a computer I would be writing every day but for some reason for the first time I haven't had anything to say. Do you believe it? This was my last week in school, and I wasn't sleeping well and I had all these really vivid dreams about people in our grade, that I would wake up and remember perfectly. Then I wouldn't let myself face the fact that this was the last week of school and I don't know, I realized even more last night i'm just more confused then I ever was and I can't ever figure myself out.

Monologue was great... and if you really care, though its a million times better when i'm reading it, its here and then Henry's who started and ended the whole thing is here. Don't worry I got his permission to post it, i'm not THAT bad. The performance was really fun, and during the week I got in a huge argument, sorry DEBATE with Michael about basically the meaning of life which started about spirituality, then soul mates, then souls, then the meaning of life. I won... kind of... not really... we 'tied'. Well I poured Juliet's Nalgene on his head which was worth it all. Then Adam told Michael he had to write his monologue on what we were talking about and then I sounded like an idiot because I couldn't argue back because my monologue was about my brother instead. Whatever, it was fun. I can't believe that was only two days ago.

Take in point that I am allowed to make this entry as long as I fucking want as i'll be gone for three weeks. Whenever I mention TIP Nates goes casually, "nerd camp".

I've listened to RENT in the last two days more then I have in the whole last year. It's calming me down.

Well, in our year books that we got on Thursday, we had fourth year most likely to's and mine was quote, "Run out of things to be obsessed with and become obsessed with herself... oh wait" HAHAHA my friends are so cruel but so right.... Oh a Take me or Leave me just came on... nice. Graduation, I don't know what to say. Its weird i've been like thinking about this moment for what, four years? The time when its YOUR turn to finish and again I have nothing to say. I'm just not thinking about it that hard so to think I just turned off RENT and made myself play Spoon to wake myself up a little. Its twelve though and my contacts aren't in and I have to pack and call Sam R. and get out of bed for starters. But instead I got up to tell my dad some stuff people had told me and that I desperately want a Cafe Driade latte and then I went back in my bed and closed the door. I am oh so productive.

Graduation has become sort of famous in our school, that time where we sit in a circle and the advisors talk about the kids and why they are wonderful, one after another. Yeah, so I cried because I can't handle any situation ever without crying in some form or another, but I wasn't crying as much as people thought, that loud noise coming from my section was molli who was bawling on my shoulder. I was just... just... kind of letting the tears roll down my cheek. I wasn't being loud, though later Sam R. told me that I looked awful while I was crying to I wrote on his neck with this pen that he was mean. Ah! i love spoon. As Margolis would say, "That's funny cause its like spoon, am I right?" cracks up hysterically looking around for someone to join in the joke. No one does so hes standing their looking awkward until someone says something else he can make in to a sexual refrence. No offense Margolis, your quite a person. Well, as we all our self centered in the end, I could perhaps tell you all about what nice things other people said to each other, and how our grade is brilliant (cause we are) but instead i'll start with what Mig said to me. As my advisor she holds right to give me my flower and say something about me to the school, and I stand up there after she calls my name and she says, "Oh," small pause, "my god." And everyone laughs. Yes, so sometimes I do sound like that and Mig continues... "Oh, my god, oh my god did you see the OC last week?" Everyone's laughing now and Migs grinning at me. Then she said some other stuff that I wont go in to now, but we can just say that I felt like everything was perfect, and I was sitting next to Dru and we were close together and down the row tissues lay out about, and my camera was digging lightly in to my leg. After, Emma T. came up and I made her cry and then I couldn't even look at Mariah even though she's going to be right across the street for awhile. I kept telling Nate he should get in to it even though it wasn't a big deal. You have to pretend, I kept saying, or its not fun. Just pretend this is actually a lot more important then it actually is and you'll realize what your missing.

My party was really fun, I think at least. Jumping up and down in my room to backstreet boys is a highlight... my dad bought this HUGE box full of fireworks at Cotco that the guys couldn't help but worship. So, much to my moms dismay it kind of coupled off. And it was weird hugging michael goodbye because hes not coming back. Then Sam,Nate, and Ryan all left together and I wandered back in to the play room where Sam R. was playing 'boat' with my little brothers and he tells me that i'm the water monster and I have to die which gives me the worst position. Then finally we sneak away from the boys and go up in my room and talk for awhile. HOLY SHIT THE HUGEST BUG IS IN MY ROOM RIGHT NEAR MY FACE I AM ATTEMPTING NOT TO FREAK OUT. and we sat up in my room and both of us kind of let out a sigh... as if suddenly everything was figured out for once. And as much as you don't believe it for the first time in three months i'm not worried about the outcome. Its summer right? Nothing counts. I'm not worrying and its giving my mind a break.

And then like that... everyone's gone. And i'm leaving for camp and everyone's gone and its summer but I can't help but feel like i'm missing out on something, as if everyone's lives become highly more interesting over the weeks i'm gone. Georgia kept saying as we sat in my room trying to find a song to play on my speakers, i'm not going to see you for two months! two months! i'm not going to see you for two months! and for the first time ever I feel like i'm missing something over summer. That comfort of my people so to speak, you know that whole grade of ours that fit so nicely once in awhile. I'll be fine waiting until summer is over, its not that bad, its just the idea. How we kept walking around and the couples kept on being like, "nine weeks we wont see each other nine weeks!" Sizing up each other seeing who would have to wait the longest and leaving those to talk on the stairs alone. How ridiculous can we get, three months guys, I think we can wing it. Adam read my blog, and that's all i'm going to say. You should get it. Oh (pause) my god this bug is huge.

I wish I could say something more thoughtful, write a story, tell you something meaning full but i'm just so apprehensive and so excited about what's coming, and weezer's being played and my mom would be so mad if she found out i wasn't getting my stuff together right now. But i'm almost done, and then i'm free.

Brazen is a word... haha wow.. yesterday was fun.

So, don't forget about me while i'm gone, I sure as hell wont forget about you. Just, wait apprehensively for me to come back and talk and talk, but i promise i've learned to listen. One of the few mature things i've grown in to this year. Update your blogs! comment! I wont be able to handle leaving my comfort zone! or maybe it will be despratly good for me...

"When your heart has expired" Ah my RENT. Wow quite the last two days.

So that's it, the rest is secrets. Those are only for me.

So, as Mig has said and says, "I'll see you around the hood."

Speak

2005-06-11T11:51:00.000-04:00

So, yes this is a cheesy song to put on your blog but as i've been told by five people that they bought the song after watching the trailer and I haven't been asked to burn the RENT CD so much sinse sixth grade. I think I should start a countdown for November 11th... though i'm really not THAT obbsessed really... but more on that later ;) I'm writing a blog entry as we speak but I thought I just needed to add in these lyrics because they seemed fitting and for some reason I just had to put them in. School's over. This isn't my favorite song on the CD.... if you care its I'll Cover You (Reprise) look it up.....

Cups of Coffee

2005-06-11T11:47:00.000-04:00

Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
moments so dear
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year

In daylight, in sunsets, in midnights,
in cups of coffee, In inches, in miles
in laughter in strife,

In Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life

(chorus)
How about Love
how about love
how about love
measure in love
seasons of love
seasons of love

Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
journeys to plan
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
how do you measure the life of a woman
or a man

In truth that she learned
or in times that he cried
In the bridges he burned
or the way that she died

Its time now to sing out
though the story never ends
lets celebrate remember a year
in the life of friends

(chorus)

Seasons

2005-06-08T20:15:00.000-04:00

YAYAYAY!

I think i've watched it about fifteen times already

It actually looks amazing, seriously I can't wait.

Oh my god its beautiful.

Okay i need to go watch it again.

Mine

2005-06-07T12:17:00.000-04:00

A month ago I was watching my little brothers play, some thing they had put together over the past month. If you knew my brother you’d know we don’t exactly get along unless that one time where we’re bonding over our parents stupidity.
I don’t think he was proud of this play, and he’s terrified of extreme human interactions like performing. My mom would be all on me right now, “Rebecca, you don’t know how sensitive he is, your words hurt him, look you hurt him.”
To which I respond the only way I can and walk away with an exaggerated eye roll saying, “I hate this family.”

I was late, to the play that is, and so I ended up getting this terrible place in the back where I could barely see over the multitude of people. And, my brother was smiling and i’d never seen him smile like that.

Not a mischievous smile, but a heartwarming joyful excited one. While I watched him I realized I hadn’t seen him smile like that for year. And maybe my extreme frustration at him made that disappear, and maybe maybe i’m the reason I never see him smile like that anymore. I started to bite my fingernails, I do that whenever I have nothing to play with in my hands, my nails have become my comfort.

In the end I thought as I bit away at the cuticles ripping them lightly from my skin, maybe i’m this awful person who effects peoples lives so radically they can’t smile anymore.

I refuse to have that power.

The group of his classmates stood as they began to sing the final song, the ending, and my brothers still smiling and the minute their voices reach my ears i’m so glad I wasn’t to late for this. I can hear my brothers voice among the other and I know the words because it’s an old song everyone loves at some point in their life. Funny what connections you make. Then i’m choking down tears and attempting to hide it in the dark. I stood and cried, but it was those tears you know? The ones that drop slowly teasing their way down your face until you have no choice but to wipe them off.

The woman next to me kept poking me, jabbing her long fingernails in to the side of my arm. She pointed at my brother with the hand not poking in to my side. “Isn’t he cute?” She said and I nodded. And when she kept talking I laughed trying to cover up the mess of tears running down my face. Later, I walked out bumping lazily in to the audience around me. When I found my brother I told him he did a great job, but for a reason I couldn’t look him in the eye.

Staring up at me he says “I hate that song”

We don’t know how to handle power. It’s human nature to mess up everything in our lives ripping it apart like my nails. The good things disappear and we all end up here, on a train, going somewhere because we have to because if we don’t, nothings going to be okay ever, no matter what. Someho-

What was that?

I’m just hearing voices again.

I wish something was coming after us, chasing us and we were running as fast and as hard as we could away from it. Trying to gain speed but we know theirs no hope. In the end we’ll be caught but like those dreams we wont see what happens next because the minute we get grabbed we’ll wake up.

Henry's

2005-06-07T12:15:00.000-04:00

Life is a card game. Draw your card. Hope for the best. You cannot choose
your card but you can figure out how to best use it. And yet it is not
until the end of the game when you lose, that you look back and see what
you could have done. Hindsight. Mankind must question everything that
happens to it. What is this? What was that? What will be coming? Perhaps
if we stopped questioning and just trusted we could do more with what we
have. But it will never happen. We care too much about our own selfish
lives. Foolish morals. You are one of billions on a miniscule planet. Our
lives mean nothing. And it isn’t until you have mere seconds to live that
you realize it.

Look at your watch. Listen. Can you hear it? Watch the seconds tick by.
Tick tock. Tick tock. Every second that passes is one more second you’re
alive. Tick tock. Tick Tock. And one more second closer your inevitable
death. Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

Do you believe in death? I don’t. Your presence changes those around you.
And that slight difference can change the way they change the ones around
them. A girl watches her brother perform. A man tells his niece a joke. A
good natured boy plots for world domination. And somewhere in the US, a
train crashes. Will you make a difference? Will I? So draw your card. Good
luck.

Silly Putty

2005-06-05T17:33:00.000-04:00

You're walking in to a building, a tall one with huge glass windows on all sides. They reflect off the busy street around you can't see beyond them. The doors are glass but not tinted so you can see the people inside rummaging around, slipping things in pockets, walking to some destination somewhere. The doors are large enough to fit more than a few people at a time and they're automatic and open easily and smoothly. The doors to this building have always opened this way and its obvious nothing will change anytime soon. A sign, or very large sticker is on the door telling the reader that yes indeed this door is automatic and their is no need for you make an effort, ever. So you start walking towards the door as your attempting to get inside this building and their isn't really any other choice. The people who you are bringing in to the building are lagging behind and you're the closest one to the door in a fifteen feet radius. No one else is walking inside with you. When you come within three feet of the doors you pause. This pause lasts less then half a second, you barely realize you've stopped at all unless you're paying complete attention to everything around you. You stop because the door hasn't opened yet and you're scared. Suddenly you're not sure if it will open even though the sign says it will and your mind tells you it will automatically your body stops hesitating before walking in to glass. A quarter of a second later your walking again towards the closed door that opens automatically when you step one more foot towards the sensors. Then you're inside the building and you don't realize you've stopped at all. And that was what my trip was like.

Jeramie wrote about me on her blog, okay I mean a lot of people will mention me once in awhile on their blogs but idk she was talking about my writing in one paragraph. Yeah, shes right what makes me feel better is writing huge entries because then everything disappears. I don't fear losing memories or feelings anymore, i'm glad finally someone can read exactly what i'm thinking. You have to check out here entry, its really great and fascinating. But, what confused me the most about reading it was that I don't think that way and I feel guilty, maybe I should? Maybe I should spend more time being confused but I don't have time for that so instead I write about other things going on. Part of me feels like my blog is a little hub... a place where everyone kind of meets then disperses. I like that. Maybe its just my imagination. People are starting to write like me, spaces, quotes from songs. I don't mind its just interesting that's all.

In seven days i'm leaving for TIP and I wont write for three weeks. Or i'm not getting back until July 2nd and then fourth of July Nina and I are partying as always. Mmmm lemonade *sigh* man do I love our neighborhood.

Some parts of my trip were really hard. My brother for one and easily showing me the reason why usually I don't ever talk to him. And then extended family are always a toll because you can't be yourself instead you have to shut yourself up and become this person who you know they want you to be. And I don't agree with my grandfather in a lot of ways so you have to just suck that up and try not to fight with him when he's talking politics. I came back feeling so warn out and kind of stretched. Universal and Disney world was amazingly fun though and I played twenty questions with my brother for most of it. On the way to fireworks Friday night my mom slipped when it was wet and broke her cell phone though which I think his hysterical and shows how unkind I can be. It was obviously some special Gay thing at these parks so this multitude of gay couples were walking around all the parks. It was brilliant because at Universal (where all of them were wearing red shirt) we went on this rafting ride and it was this woman and her daughter, my grandfather, my mom, my brother, me, this gay couple, this other gay couple, and this gay guy. So it proved to be quite a hysterical trip though I teased my mom endlessly for wearing a white shirt when it got wet. I hate the feeling of dropping, a.k.a. splash mountain. Why anyone would think that is fun is completely beyond me.

We have Java Chip Ice cream in the house which I just dug in to with a spoon.

I had so much thinking time this trip, the times I was being unsocial and disappearing in to my own world, I've had so much thinking time and so little contact with my friends the people who kind of bring my back to earth most of the time, keep me from disappearing way to much in to my own head, weren't there. So instead I kept thinking and i've been thinking so much, thinking like I used to I can't write it all down. I can't physically explain everything that's going on inside my head. Its like this war of messed up emotions. I fear I sound stupid when i'm trying to explain something, no i don't think my thoughts are stupid I just think that when I reread over what I write in my journal I cringe, how can I sound so stereotypical. How can my thought process let myself write that.

It scared me so much when I'm on this plane to Orlando and i'm looking out and you can see everything perfectly. The houses, the huge energy plant, and I feel so small and tiny compared to all the millions of people out there. Each one suffering each one slowly waiting at that light and I wanted to pick that car up that was going in circles and place it where it was going and explain that from up here, you can't get lost and every things not as frightening from far away.

But, I didn't just feel small I also felt kind of god like, one part insignificant falling for the trick of living life just like this, and another part of me felt like I was watching all these people who were just living and me? I wasn't just living, instead I was controlling it, power, I had the power over my life, compared to this entire world below me. And while I was sitting there I realized that I missed nothing, it wasn't the place I was it was the thought, the realization that i'm okay on my own. That its the fear of living the rest of my life without meeting new people that scares me instead of the fear of leaving behind what I have. And the minute I land I have to send Joe a text message on my phone, just so I stay connected, so I can't actually leave because I wont let myself face the fact i'm moving on and growing up without everyone around me.

cause she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and.....
This time when kindness falls like rain
it washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind

It used to scare me so much when I was little, because I thought that one day you just leave and suddenly its this huge world that you have to live with and in without the people supporting you. But as i've grown up i've realized its a very slow process and its not sudden and when i'm watching my mom and i'm finding her weaknesses as a person its comforting. I no longer think of my parents as elite figures, their so human and they have so many faults and I disagree with their opinions and I love them but sometimes they are so weak and vulnerable and once in awhile especially lately I feel like i'm taking care of them. I'm looking out for them, and that's why I can't bring myself to be mad at them because I have to comfort them and make sure they realize that every things okay, I promise.

As I write i'm doing the most embarrassing thing, i'm listening to the Counting Crows on shuffle because its the only music I want to listen to at the moment. Bloc Party was in my head for awhile but instead Counting Crows is doing its job. I hate that my mom likes them. I hate that. For some reason it doesn't bother me with Damien Rice, but still Counting Crows? I can do better then that.

My dad has started a blog

I am so fucking serious. You guys know how he's taking the BAR in July right. Well he went to Yale for Law school to awhile back but never took the BAR because I don't think he actually ever wanted to be a lawyer or something like that I don't know you'll have to ask him why his thought process worked the way it did. Well basically his company is failing and he realized my mom will like him a lot more if he actually makes money, which means he has to use his skills, a.k.a. law meaning he has to take the BAR. But he's not taking the North Carolina BAR he's taking the California one for some reason. We're not moving he's just practicing law there. I don't know, basically he's studying ten hours each day and has millions of books in his study. So, once I showed him how incredibly easy blogger was he made one himself about documenting studying for the BAR. It's very black and scary, and doesn't have much personality but i'm thinking I might try to edit it around a little for him before he shows it to his friends. When he tells my mom he started one she tells him he doesn't have time for that which makes him run upstairs and recruit me to tell my mom that she's wrong which I do because what are fellow bloggers supposed to do.

Ah, Mr. Jones. Can life get any better. Theirs no question mark after that because it was theoretical but you know that. Have you all actually read this far? "Who believs..yeah... Mr. Jones and me, tell each other fairy tales and we stare at the beautiful woman,"

I realized something really interesting. During the trip my mom called my dad twice, three times each day. And she wouldn't just check in either they would talk. They would talk for like half an hour each time, not just about their kids either about like work and life and stuff. When we get to the hotel room and were about to leave to see the fire works and my mom has been talking to him for twenty minutes I can't help thinking that they must have rediscovered each other or something because they never've talked like this before or they do just during dinner once in awhile. My dad wants to talk to me and the minute my mom hands me the phone I say "When did you and mom start talking?" Which both my parents think is hysterically funny and my dad and my mom both on different sides of the phone explain to me that they do this all the time. "We talk like this all the time, every day for hours you're just never there."
"No you don't"
"Yes we do, that's usually what married people do, what did you think we didn't talk."
"I just didn't think you guys talked so much, how weird.
"Uh yeah, me and your mother talk together, did you know we have sex together too." He's laughing even though it's a very mild sex reference for my dad.
"Uh ew, yeah I figured."
My dad's really cute though and was calling me to tell me that he updated his blog. He tells me every single time he updates it which most of us soon outgrow after the fifth or sixth post. You can visit it HERE. I told him I would link to him once he walked in to my room and sighed after I told him I hadn't read the updated post yet. I'm doing it for you! he explained, no one else reads it yet. then he left the room sadly saying, no ones commented yet. Welcome to the frustrations of life dad.

I love this counting crows song

I bought the new pornographers finally after two months of wanting one of their cds.

So, Thursday was my last day TAing and I read my bus entry... which is the story I wrote. Basically you have to describe your sub personalities as they are coming off a bus. As I did this entry in sixth grade I changed it all around and what I wrote this time is this weird thing on a bus. You have to read it to understand. I think it went way over the kids heads. Emily tells them to comment and a few do with amazing comments but mostly no one understood or had the guts to say something about my writing. I expected this and Emily got it, so it was all okay. Then the kids share some other work which i'm extremely amazed by and then we are asked to write something we value about each kid in the class. Then, these slips of paper will find their way in to bags for each person so each person gets a bag full of ways they are seen. Some kids spend an hour on their comments. I spend a long time because I don't know the kids that well but in the end I write some honest and interesting things. Then we open our bags and I ended up pasting each of my strips in my journal like the other kids. My favorite is by a kid with messy black writing "I really value how true to yourself you seem and how much your writing shows that." Most of them were about my writing as that's all these kids know about me. I was known as the writer, when really I don't think i spend THAT much time writing. Or maybe I do, maybe I don't really know myself all that well in the end. I am so sick of the Counting Crows, Weezer it is.

During lunch I was asked to repair some of the plastered hands while Emily went to the middle school to do something. I was really looking forward to doing it as then I would be able to get really messy. So, I ask the kids if anyone is going to hang out with me in Emilys room as I don't want to be by myself. A few kids agree, Emma, Becca, Kyle, Leiah and I tell them to read me some of their stuff to entertain me as I plaster. Some of the kids had written these lists which were their homework assignments and I listened to some of those. I listened to some Bus entries and they crowded around me begging me to hear. I was happy to listen to their stuff and I kept telling them to read me more ! or i'm going to have to put on my music. So, then we start talking about people we'd invite to our own islands, who are our closest friends. Then they ask for the 'gossip' which I tell them I can't share as they actually know the people involved. They beg and I stay strong. I ask them if they understood my bus entry and they nod but dont elaborate. After Emma reads me an entry she looks up, "I'm never going to write like you," she says. "Sure you will." I explain "But you write so Adult." "Adult?" "Yeah its so grownup and sophisticated." "Really?? That's only because i'm older than you in three years you wont think that." So now apparently I sound like an adult, which I don't mind. Somehow the conversation switches to Eric who obviously has a huge crush on Emma and i've been pestering her about it the entire time. Supposedly theirs this whole story that the families are friends... I don't know just this poor boy followed her around the entire time and it was fascinating to watch. And then I ask who've they've gone out with and tell them that going out early in middle school is stupid but that you really shouldn't listen to me any ways. Then Emma all innocent begs me to tell my first kiss story. I partly tell it but switch half way and tell my first kiss with Matt instead as it has a better build up and story. And I like him better any ways. They sit in awe completely amazed and after that I stop and refuse to talk about anything that involves anyone at school though they plead with me to slip up. Who do you like now? they ask scooting closer and closer.

After lunch Emily returns and the kids around me disperse giggling. We played that game where you go around the circle and pick out a 'silly object' and the people in the group have to explain why "That is sooooooo you because" We go around the circle and i'm still plastering and not paying much attention. When Emily says that we have to leave for Spring Fest I tell everyone i'll be gone when its over. Emilly shrieks like she does and goes "We have to do you then!" So i get to reach in to the back and I pull out silly putty. Kyle tells me its perfect because my last name has Egg in it and they are shaped like eggs and in the play I was Humpty Dumpty and it works out surprisingly well. Other people say a few other things and then Emily says in her perfect Emily way "Oh my gosh that is so you because in your next life your going to be really silly." I laugh i bet that's true, "But I mean you like in your next life you seem like your going to be a really silly person and it works out." It sounds weird writing it but I understood what she was getting at. But also besides that I think she kind of was hinting at me that in my next life I deserve to be really silly and i deserve that next. "Well," She continues "You might be silly already and you don't show me that but i dont know it seems like your waiting to be really silly." And that's hilarious as I find myself to be a really silly person. Then I realize that this side comes out that I hide because its not that normal you know, and that part that I hide isn't that silly and silly and joyful are two different things. It was interesting, and then it was amazing that five kids wanted to hug me goodbye. Three days and when I hugged Emily goodbye I felt like I was leaving this room of utter happiness.

While watching spring fest I was talking to Aja's mom and we were watching my brother and the fourth graders were singing black bird. Later I tell Sasha I liked that a lot, and he gives me this dumbfounded look and says clearly as day. "That song is so stupid."

One Week

2005-06-02T00:38:00.000-04:00

So I lied... I can't write not tonight not enough to make my point clear.

In this exact moment I am so happy I am me, because their are the few things I really don't like right now, but I'm so glad i'm handling them instead of someone else, because they're my fault any ways.

My neck stopped hurting this morning! Yay! I can kind of turn it again.... hehe good times. Do you realize i've been blogging for seven months?

I'm leaving tomorrow with my mom and my brother for Florida and its going to be fun, but I just want to be there already. For some reason i'm dreading the move, the travel and how I realized its my last week of school and i'm going to miss one day out of the seven we have left and I feel like i'm missing everything. No one's here any ways, today at lunch, Aja, Joe, Sam, Leia, Thomas and ... me hung out at the pottery studio, the upper school side and just talked and ate strawberries and kicked each other for an hour. It was the most fun i've had at lunch in awhile.

So, its only eleven thirty and I should be able to write but for the last two days i've been writing more then I think I ever have before. When I get home Sunday sometime maybe i'll share some stuff. No one believes I can be having such a good time, but they don't understand how journal writing for seven hours three days straight with fifth and sixth graders, and Emily can be the best exploritorium besides Adam's last year. Guys, its this room full of this ever astounding love. These children are so innocent so expecting and so excited. Emily's jumping out of her skin with happiness and on Monday when we gathered in Mig's apartment where she is staying and went over the lesson plan I couldn't wait for the next day. Don't make fun of me, you don't know what your missing. We're doing over some entries I did myself in sixth grade. I was allowed to introduce myself before break on Tuesday and these kids are respecting what i'm saying. I'm more intelligent around Emily. The first thing I write in my journal the first time we can free right ... "Finally time is standing still so I can catch up to myself" because its true... I have no idea what's going on. Then, I wrote this other piece based on the question, Where are you now? And I read over my sixth grade one and its all about how happy I am but so bored with this happiness. Of course Emily style first, you make a little clay sculpture thing and then write a piece from the point of view of your sculpture. You know me, I don't take anything literally, so I wrote this piece and I didn't like it but I liked my sculpture and the kids thought it was amazing which is cute because they love me and usually kids don't like me. This is my crowd though, the ones who sit and write instead of jumping up to play soccer. I hate sports, so do they, it works out nice. These children are brilliant, i'll talk more about that when I get back, but they are so in love with Emily and so invested in impressing people, they do the hardest work they can. My introduction was short, and I talked about how journal writing had influenced me... blabla... but I stressed this blog. Kept talking about how outlets are good. I don't know, I got this huge fucking sketchbook from Barnes and Noble and its black and thick and huge and I love it. It's been two days and the pages are filled with my black ink. Emily is in to free writing every morning as a way of letting out the things blocking your creativity. I'm so not kidding. This morning she handed out this quote and I wrote this two page thing on religion and spirituality and the way were really all cattle and then I read it over and realized It was kind of harsh and cruel to the human race, though it expresses my opinion well. I've never written so many things that I actually think in such a short amount of time. I bet, if my hand didn't hurt and I had all the time in the world I could fill that whole thing I can talk so much. I'm not going to talk about the assignments and how fun it was to revisit them now. My mom just came in to tell me to sleep and I guess maybe I will.

I'm going to tell you about my class though, my kids now. Like how Dave used to call us his soccer team, their my journal writing class. Eric Whittier who's dad was my photography teacher last year, who I did Mathletes with this year, sixth grade and who is called by most "Harry Potter kid," because he looks exactly like Harry Potter. Well I turn to him yesterday after he surprises me with his comments, "Hey Eric," I say, "I think your my soul mate." He looks at me, then looks away expressionless. "Maybe," says the sixth grader.

Fencing somehow is a Journal writing sport as three out of the four boys in the class fence. So, because boys are a lot slower at art projects I find myself helping out the boys and we talk about our common ground. I ask Alexander to teach me how to play Dungeons and Dragons, he tells me its incredibly hard to explain but Eric's the master. Eric! I yell across the room, you want to teach me how to play Dungeons and Dragons. With the same expression he had used the day before he looks at me, Sure, Why not. So we discuss fencing tactics and plaster each others hands and write stories about the meaning of life. One more day though, and then next week and its all over. I wrote a story today, I don't think i've actually written a fiction type piece in about two years. Its weird, I like it a lot, and I didn't do what the assignment was told but I had already done it two years ago so I wrote this complicated thing that took up three hours of my day. I can not believe I wrote a story, you're not supposed to admit to that.

So, more on this later. The nicest part of today was when asked by Aja who was their closest friends who were girls Sam R. responds, I think this one right here, pointing to me and I was like oh sam really? thanks! and I gave him a hug and then he's like its only because I talk to her the most, which is true, and hes trying to make Aja feel better but when asked what girl they would like to do stuff with both jump on her. Joe also said he could talk to me, so, its the friend thing again but honestly that made my day. Georgia's upset and I feel like i'm helpless I can't help her. Wow, I feel really weird this week, so focused not running away with myself. I think it might just be the lack of stress of living so much. We need to soak up enough life in this week though.

My parents are laughing in their room to Jon Stewart, I'm talking to Joe online and hes desperately waiting for this entry and so as I promised to joe.... JOE IS GREAT (joe its capital but i'm to fucking lazy to make it any bigger). No, but its true he is and an entire post on his blog is dedicated to me because were both up past midnight on a wednesday night. New kids coming to our school! Potluck... was weird, separated, clique, but not that bad. I'm worried about Matt. Somethings wrong and he told me he had to figure it out himself which I know he can do but idk its like with Georgia I feel helpless, maybe he doesn't need my help but I want to you know listen I guess though maybe those days are over. all right I really have to go, but sunday, or monday, or something I'll post some stuff from the past two days, and I realized everyone really just in the end loves themselves so I will go back to talking about everyone in great detail so you can scan for your name and read about you some more. ;) Look at Georgia's blog guys... she has a really brutally honest entry that people should check out. I love you Dru! you said i don't mention you anymore... look look... your name! One line has been going through my head all day, counting crows and I don't know why this line of anything I haven't listened to this song for ages but this one line popped in to my head and I can't seem to get it out....
"Believe in me because I don't believe in anything
and I want to be someone to believe"

What's with that?!?!?!

Mariahs Asleep

2005-06-01T16:53:00.000-04:00

I'm listening to my ipod mix I made for making muffins on Sunday...

I'm going to write a long entry tonight. After I finish the homework for Emily's exploritorium. I'm lying on my bed and Mariah's lying next to me. She's sound asleep, her purple signsations shirt matches the one Samantha gave me months ago. She was reading "Sister Hood of the Traveling Pants" but put it down to sleep instead. I don't want to move so I don't wake her. I'm lying against the side of my bed, near the wall and my foot is asleep. Mariah doesn't have sheets and my covers on my bed are falling apart any ways. I love this kid. She's not really that much of a kid anymore. My dad opens the door and she sits up, asks if i'm writing in my blog. I nod, smile. "I'm going to write more tonight."
"Oh I don't mind" She stretches, "I just closed my eyes and your dad walked in." I know she's been sleeping but I don't tell her, instead I shake my foot and grin.
Then, she rolls over back on to my pillow with the tiny flowers on them and starts to fall back asleep. I keep telling her that she calms me down, but she doesn't understand what her presence does for me. It makes me jittery sometimes, hyper, disconnected but other times she brings my focus in. How? I don't know, but she makes me think about the important things, even when were talking about the most unimportant stuff. She's so happy, so alive, and I breath off of that. I take in her excitement, enthusiasm and joy of being whatever she is right then. Their is more difference between two years in this stage of life then what you'd assume. Earlier she looked up at me, "I'm turning in to you aren't I?" "A bit," I say teaching her how to publish something on her own blog, "But I don't mind at all, I think its great, i'm honored."

Scrubs

2005-05-30T10:28:00.000-04:00

I woke up and looked at my site meter for this site, its May 30th. No one told me it was almost June...

Walking my dog yesterday i found myself back on our street stepping on our neighbors lawn, and winding myself up in to the driveway. Suddenly to end my thinking process and surrender myself in to the computer screen. I guess I can still think once I stop walking, i realized my mind makes up stories when i'm unconscious and suddenly my brain is writing without me thinking. Theirs no plot, just words scrambling themselves around to form paragraphs that fall neatly in to my brain. I don't understand how they write themselves but I can never get them down on paper. Part of me doesn't really want to. I'm chewing on a green fuse bead. Those children look happy, I guess thats what mismatched fuse bead hearts can do for you. The one in my mouth doesn't look quite like a fuse bead anymore. It kind of looks like a boat, I was going to say vagina but then i thought you would all think thats weird. And once I realized that I can't chew it anymore. Let's find something else to put in my mouth. A yellow paperclip, there we go. I always feel better after walking my dog, suddenly life doesn't pile itself on top of each other an endless stream of disappointments. I wrote about it... last year in creative writing and Adam and I ended up talking about it for twenty minutes after class. That's when I had to step back and realize shit... he got what i was getting at. It's always nice when people understand you, its also a little off putting. They balance each other out though.

I've gotten told by a fair amount of people that they think in the end i'll be the one pressuring someone to have sex instead of the stereotypical guy. Um what? haha does that really come across in my personality?

Georgia I want your fudge...

I watched Scrubs with my dad and brothers from four to nine last night. Five hours, and my mom made us mojito's which she does well except mine is non alcohol so doesn't taste quite as good as my dads. The show is really interesting, my mom is exactly like Elliot the main girl character and dad and I kept realizing it. Of course JD is the stereotypical jew, who dad and i realized is in most shows, movies, plays. Seriously, this world is filled with television shows where the main character who is a Jew is having to put up with WASPS and their life is so hard because of it. Scrubs, the OC, Friends, Sienfeld, Angels in America... all the same. Because the jewish one grows up to write the story. My dad turned to me after we had talked, "No wonder people think their is a jewish conspiracy, it seems like we're taking over the world." Amen dad, Amen.

Mean

2005-05-27T16:47:00.000-04:00

i just edited my last post and took out some complaining because i'm in a good mood now and i hate reading things when i'm upset and hope that no one sees me act like an idiot.

Whatever

I had a great day

I think Star Wars is the reason why life is okay

My sushi role got 'rated' 9.5 by Nate and Eric

Making sushi is fun, I wish I was japanese and in that movie with Bill Murray

The one that made me want to be a director

Lost in Translation that reminds me of Eternal Sunshine which I think I might watch tonight

Hence the title of my blog

I also wish I was in ghost busters, the first one though, or maybe I wish I just was in Star Wars

Hey, go here... Molli's blog where she talks about me on the fourth year trip... and has an entire entry bashing me. Aja wrote a comment on her blog today during break. Um... thanks Aja

Henry came back and gave me the hugest hug ever

I got to use the electric hole punch again I hadn't used since I broke it in 6th Grade

That was exciting

I am so proud of Grace

Holy Shit I do not believe people are this ignorant. Right here too... Just down the road really.

Makes you think about things a little more

Nina and I talked. It's good it's just another thing I have to get used to. Sometimes I hate school. Today I was watching people and I never wanted to leave. I hope these next to weeks are as long as I can make them. That's what Nina and I were talking about.

Divide

2005-05-26T23:37:00.001-04:00

Oh... look at the pictures I added... more coming....

I went to bed at 8:30 last night. I didn't want to watch American Idol so I head in to my room and turn my speakers on shuffle. Yeah, i'm lying there in a jeans and t-shirt curled up in a tiny ball with the clicker in my hand, and i'm skipping songs and only listening to the slow ones. I think I finally fell asleep to Time of Your Life and once Hot Hot Heat comes on and wakes me up I realize I have to turn it off and go to bed. What is wrong with me?

Ugh, Counting Crows just came on shuffle. I hate REM, I hate U2, and I hate Counting Crows since my mom started to like them. I feel like its yesterday. Ah I am so not in the mood to be profound. No one has updated their blogs. I swear, I am such a loser. How much lack of life so I have that I spend thursday night curled up in front of my computer typing out stuff no one actually reads anymore. Yeah, I think maybe three people read this thing, and one of them is my mom. Mom's don't count. I hate Postal Service too. I know that's like Indie suicide to say that, but I love Death Cab, and hate just hate Postal Service. I like Tom Waits though, and Dylan.

We were at maple view farms today to learn how they make ice cream. Leon got kind of mad because I was making fun of Eric and stroking his arm, and Margolis was poking Sarah and Sarah was poking me and Leon wanted us to ask questions but honestly what about? We were watching a machine, and an old lady stood their and none of us had anything to fucking say. They had a Boom Box though and Copperhead road is playing which makes me yell loudly, "I LOVE STEVE EARL!" which put me in a good mood for about ten minutes. I miss my dad. Dammit...

Matt wont talk to me online. What the fuck is up with that? So, I guess I won't talk to him again until he talks to me, i've had to initiate talking the last two times.

Is that my dad? Is he home? HELL YEAH! oh no, which means he's going to try to recruit me to watch Solaris with him. So, this movie, Solaris, have I mentioned it? It's one of my dads obsessions. He's watched it a total of six times, and watched the commentary once or twice. Something is purring in my room. I found a tick on me yesterday and one on my computer when I came home from school today. I've been in such a weird mood I didn't even care. Solaris is this science fiction movie from 1971 that I think is probably the most boring movie ever. I can understand why its beautiful, I can understand the art, I can understand why its a masterpiece but when a scene goes on for fifteen minutes when he's just driving through the futuristic society that doesn't look futuristic cause its obviously just Tokyo in 1971. all right, actually it wasn't that bad but for some reason i'm really angry and Solaris is a nice place to let out all my anger. My dad didn't get that when we sat down to watch the movie. He should have understood that no matter if it was amazing I was going to hate it because he wanted me to like it so much. Understand? So yes this is the outlet i'm letting out my anger on, this dumb movie. I hate it. I hate it. I fucking hate it so much. It makes me really upset because i'm sending all my feelings in to hating it, so I don't want to watch it. My dad read my blog in the airport on his cell phone. He was stuck their for five hours. He started quoting an entry he liked and I paused and said, "You can compliment it, and tell me what you like, but you can't read out an entry where I mention you because your my dad." Then I went in to my room, turned out the lights, and shut the door. What's wrong with me?

I'm being mean to my mom. Really mean, and I know it, I don't mean to say things in a mean cynical tone but its like the movie, I'm not mad at her. I'm just upset and she's their and its like she's the only person I can get mad at who'll still love me after I do. Because right now i have a huge list of people I want to get mad at, but can't. I so do not want to listen to Beulah right now. Do you see that somethings wrong? So, I come downstairs yesterday because I want to make toffee for dinner and my mom asks me about the recipe and i snap at her and throw on a sweatshirt and start melting butter. Then I snap at her again, and then she's upset and I feel bad but for some reason I can't say sorry because I know it will sound mean. I hate my hair. So, i'm melting butter and sugar and i'm not talking, and i'm close to crying and I have no idea why and so i stir and stir and hope that she realizes whams wrong. Of course she doesn't. I don't blame her, of course she doesn't know.

I got the white stripes CD.

I know why i'm upset.

Of course I know why i'm upset, I always know why i'm upset. Do you guys want to hear about it? Well I really like Hollaback girl, and I bought Fit But You Know it, by the streets which Nate M. and I listened to about twenty times today during cooking. Agh, bus ride! Everyone knows the chorus just because of that. So I added a few lines to my info, along with Jewel because she's making me feel how James used to make me feel which is incredibly sad, but also joyful at the same time which is reason to put anyone on your profile.

Okay, were going to skip Weezer.

I was a bitch to Nina too. God dammit. Tomorrow I guess were going to talk, I mentioned Matt and I and at first she wanted to be supportive but I think both of us knew she couldn't help. Then when I told Georgia Nate happened to be their so she starts talking about Nate, and I don't want anyone talking to me about Nate I just want someone to make it all okay really fast. My dad kind of helped and seriously am terrified of relationships and commitment and I panicked so I got upset because people in school got mad and it turned in to a mess. So, Matt and I didn't break up because I liked Nate more. It had nothing to do with Nate, honestly nothing at all. So now, Nates asking me if were going to go out next year, and he's asking me if i'm going to hook up with Matt at fencing camp, and people are asking if I'm going out with Nate, and if i'm okay, and if I miss Matt and if i'm upset, and are we getting back together, and telling me I should go out with Nate and telling me i'm taking Matt for granted, and Nate's amazingly hot and I'm taking him for granted, and I don't deserve guys liking me, and i'm not that great any ways and what is going to happen next? I just want everyone to stop.

So this is my answer to all of those questions: I have no idea

We visited Georgia on Tuesday. Me, Molli and Nate. Nate and I watched her lesson before we got bored and walked around outside for awhile until it started to pour and we ran in to the woods because it was a touch more dry. Were sopping wet and Nate's shivering and I keep laughing at how cold he is because he's shaking and he has no fat on him and its really cute. So we stood in the woods for awhile and talked, and made fun of the riders then we run out to Molli's mom's car and were completely soaked, and then we can't find Georgia's house so Nate and I are in the back seat attempting to be quiet and having a really good time, before we pour over an Ellegirl and I point out all the hot boys and why they're so great, and I try to explain why I love Topher Grace. Then were both shivering and Molli's passing us chocolate chips and were laughing at everything. Georgia was fine, she looked tired but I think she loved seeing us. We sat on her bed and talked about stupid things for awhile. While we were on her bed I was really tired and kept almost falling asleep while she was telling us the very exciting story about her surgery. Then, I told her nothing interesting was happening at school, and then I kind of lay their while Nate looked super awkward and we got on the subject of Sam and Nate and I buried my face deep in her pillow and was like, "I am so not worth guys fighting over me." And Nate goes, "yeah you are," And I laughed in to Georgia's pillow and was like uh really not but thanks. So that made my day, and probably my week. So I was really nice to Nate after that. Then the ride home was great as I was trying to explain about seeing the bear near Eno River. Which is a whole other story and i'm explaining and laughing really hard. Molli and Nate don't get it but they think its hilarious i'm attempting to explain. So that was the best afternoon this week.

Every single one i'm serious. I have no idea. I'm not going to go out with Nate anytime soon, I know that. For sure. Honestly, Matt wanted to get back together Tuesday night and part of me wishes I had said somethin besides remaining silent. Because the moments passed, and he sure as hell has gotten over it. I on the other hand walked myself in to a trap. You know why I don't let myself like people? Because of this.

Jewel just came on....

Yeah, because however stupid it sounds however much your going to make fun of me. I did exactly what i was trying to avoid. "I've been down so long..." It's no ones fault except my own. Yeah, I was upset because of a boy. Something i've been trying to avoid for four years. That's not the only thing i'm upset about. I'm mad at certain people because of small things, i'm mad because they don't get anything. I'm upset about the year ending, i'm upset about leaving my friends, I mean i'm really happy too in tons of ways. But i'm blaming my anger on the Matt situation. Then it has a nice reason you know, its not just me being moody. I've always been told that you don't tell someone how you really feel. Or maybe not told, just idk your supposed to just hint at it right? You always have to keep that hidden. Whatever, fuck that. You guys can all find out whams going through my head right now. Every single time I get online and Matt's been on, and he's not talking to me and i'm not on his info, and I miss the way it used to be, and no ones called my cell phone in awhile. So, also because i'm so mad at myself for caring about this. I'm not letting myself be upset about something that basically is my doing.. I don't want to be upset so i'm pretending i'm completely fine. So instead I freak out at my mom . I just kind of think i'm to young to actually care about things like this. I shouldn't care, or I shouldn't care this much. Again, I don't know what I want but I don't want this. Because whatever it is it didn't make me feel any fucking better. I miss Matt... Whatever...i miss someone who was their and suddenly he's not and it's the hardest thing to adjust to. Ugh and then I talked to him online today after we didn't talk for two hours even though both of us were online...and then I got on again and I was like hey! i'll tell Matt about fencing camp which I was reading about. And then he was tired or whatever and I felt like the only one talking and I felt clingy and as if he was hinting to me to get over it already, because it's not that big a deal, and he doesn't really want to talk to me right now any ways. So, then Joe got online and he made me feel better. Except not. Because I fucking care so much. I hate it, I hate how I know soon enough it'll actually be gone completely and we wont talk after summer and i'll lose one of the few people I can really talk to... and then I reread that last sentence and think i'm over reacting and being stupid and I hate it and probably will delete it in a few minutes after I reread it several times and realize that I sound dumb and like the exact thing i've been trying to avoid.

Ugh Did I actually just say all that stuff. Dammit, I hate how its true.

"whatchya ganna do katie...."

Okay, have i talked about you enough now Matt? haha... i told you i'd write more....

But, In the Kitchen has been great. Man, we made some good pretzels today. Sarah Merrit and I have bonded and i've sat with Margolis for hours on the benches talking about really unimportant stuff. No one is at school so we have free reign, which means we don't move and sit their for hours poking each other. Yesterday we were all lying down in Leon's room. Me, Margolis, Sadie, Molli (Nate's sister), Eric (My new Favorite person, who I kept telling randomly, Eric I am so attracted to you its so weird.), and Sarah. I was so comfortable because we all were just randomly talking about the cold, and heat, and leaning on each other and talking about who was who's bitch. Everything someone would say I would look at them and pause and say "Your mom," which I also did today while making pretzels and cookies. Sarah keeps saying, "Buddy," and "Oh My gosh" In this really funny way, and I keep telling Margolis, "Do it! Do it! Do it!" Which only us know what i'm talking about. Then were lying in Nancy's room today and Eric is my hero. And I have an entire couch to myself and Margolis and I are rapping out to Fit but you know it... "Don't touch me, Don't touch me" Eric and Margolis are talking about whisks as loudly as they can and me and Sarah are cracking up but pretending not to think its funny. But we get caught having more then three people on the couch in the center so none of us are allowed the rest of the day. Later though we come back from Maple View and we all jump on the couch, then I realize we have more then three people and none of us are allowed and Renee and Ida are both walking out of the staff room so I jump up really quickly and say "Oh Shit." Really loudly and then Ida and Renee flip out. I have no idea what they are talking about then I realize, and pretend its not me but then I have to fess up and apologize but they start half yelling at me, so I drag Sarah to come run away with me. That wasn't to brilliant. At least at Maple View farm when Leon asked someone to divide 900 by 7 in their head I did it first, it happens to be about 128. The weird boy I had the connection with was their again and Sarah desperately wanted to talk to him but instead I refused and sat on the ledge bumming off other peoples ice cream. Even remembering this makes me in a good mood. I've been having a good time. Third Eye Blind on shuffle... I love 90's pop.

Maybe i'll disappear in to myself for awhile.

I think i've been needing that lately

Maybe I've realized that the only thing that makes me feel better is writing a huge ass blog entry about everything that's wrong. For some reason I can breath again. Now i'm really happy... I think I might shower.

Selfish

2005-05-23T20:47:00.000-04:00

Matt and I broke up

we both fucked up

And Georgia's in the hospital and Dru's at the beach

And i'm selfish cause I already miss him and its been ten minutes

And I shouldn't be writing all of this on my blog

And i should get over it cause it was i guess the best idea

And now i'm adding on to this post and I talked to my dad and made a few things okay

So now, i'm going to bed and we'll see

I guess

Phone

2005-05-22T23:23:00.000-04:00

So, My ipods on shuffle, my lights are off and i'm waiting for my mom to finish putting down the boys so I can finally watch OC. We'll see how much I can get through to you in this entry... how much you'll understand.

To start us off Joni Mitchell's come on but i'm skipping through it because all I can see while listening is Ryan singing it in Leon's area which gets old very fast. "And the seasons, they go round and round..."

Yes! Josie and the Pussycats! For some reason its been what i've needed lately. I've listened to it while i've been getting dressed in the morning and its motivated me ... "na na yeah yeah ... na na" Maxine burned it for me. Nina and I were obsessed with this movie when we were about ten. Which makes me think of the Back street boys which makes me desperately happy.

Beware this is going to be long.

Actually Holy shit have you seen how long this is?!? I understand if you have to skip around.. though i'd love you to make the effort of reading and commenting.

I hate when the phone rings. My dad freaks out when it rings when were watching TV. My mom doesn't understand how it bothers us so much. Imagine something suddenly slicing through all your muscles and jolting you out of your seat. That's how it feels when the phone rings. My heart starts to beat and it catches me completely off guard. I hate answering because someone is probably on the other end. I like when my cell phone rings though. The ring tones are more soothing and I always like the people who call me on there. My mom just came upstairs and yelled at me for no reason about the phone. I have music on, I can't hear anything. Mariah was the second call, shes hanging out at some bat mitzvah party, and the phone is ringing again. I always end up being the kid who talks to the parents instead of the kids themselves. Woah, I have not listened to Green Day for awhile, yet here we are. I miss that part of my life, the Green Day loving kid that I was in the beginning of the year. I keep getting online thinking someone I need will be available but no one is. So now lets get to the good stuff. Wednesday I went shopping with my mom and we hung out, and I realized shes probably the coolest mom ever which is nice to understand. Hm.. Neutral Milk Hotel. I love them. Then I woke up desperately early to drive to school to go on the trip. Of course were the last people there even though my dad and i pull up five minutes late. I run to the bus instead of Renee's car because I promised Georgia i'd sit with her. Basically Sam S. switched out of the bus so i could ride on it which made Georgia upset for a little bit but was probably the nicest thing of the entire trip.

Just kidding i've decided I'll just listen to spoon for awhile.

But now, I had only written that paragraph but I put my computer away and went online, and watched the OC then downloaded music, then went to bed. I just got the other two Spoon CD's I didn't have. I got woken up at one by my dad telling me we were going to go get ice cream at Maple View. So, I ended up sitting in the back seat of the van with my brother and his friend Wyatt being highly uncomfortable. Then, at the store I got amazingly good ice cream and I swear I had this weird connection with this guy behind the counter. Then my family ended up walking down this dirt path and I lied on the grass and slept instead. I didn't ever want to move, the grass was so green and the sun was so strong. Back in the car I attempted to explain why Beyonce was a cool person, not her music but her persona. I don't think they got it.

So now it's three in the afternoon and I still have to walk my dog, and finish my eval for Mig. And tonight I get to go over to Mariah's for her party kind of thing which is going to be really fun. Ah, I like this CD.

The bus was weird at first. I was sitting next to Margolis, but I got the aisle so I could talk to Georgia. We all ended up just sitting there half talking for the first few hours. Newspapers were rolled up and I hit Margolis over the head a couple of hundred times with Molli's magazines. I now look back and realize I don't remember much of anything. We played cards for a little while on Colin's pillow. We talked about who everyone had liked this year. We discussed classes and life, then we pulled in to a drug store and Dru and I jumped around the store. The other bus was having a brilliant time and our bus glared at them. Molli bought strawberry condom lubrication and somehow Nate V. on the way back was dared to eat it for four bucks. He ate it in the end, then Margolis was bothering me with his laugh so I made him switch with the other Nate. And then we just sat there for awhile, and neither of us talked but I swear I saw Phill driving in Boone. So, to the camp people, I saw Phill! Then I told everyone on the bus and got really excited and Georgia got all mad because I mentioned Nina. Then we were loud for awhile, and seats were changed and we were listening to this one British rap song over and over. It was blasting out of speakers in the back of the bus. After Subway for lunch the seats suddenly got really comfortable. I was sitting next to Sam R. but leaning on Georgia across the aisle. And that was the best part of all the bus rides. Because we were just leaning there talking about boobs and acting stupid, and fun, and laughing at everything that was said. Georgia was really comfortable and I wasn't tired anymore because of the caffeine in the coke. Oh that reminds me, I think i'm going to go get a soda. I just went downstairs and i don't think I will again any time soon. The babies are yelling and my moms on the phone looking stressed, but we got a toaster! I don't think we've had a toaster for like eight years.

So the bus was really loud towards the end and all of us in the front were getting along really well. Georgia and I would break in to Photograph every once in awhile... "If you want it." "Dododo" "You can have it." "Dododo" We sung only that part probably fifteen times while everyone else got more and more agitated. Both Nates were sitting behind me and they motioned towards Sam to lean in because they had a secret. I'm sitting there and Margolis tells me I can't hear. After a few seconds the huddle breaks away and I don't stop talking to Georgia. Margolis pokes me on the back. "Do you want to know what we were talking about?" Sure, I say but I don't turn around, I keep talking with Georgia. "It was dumb," Margolis says. "Okay," I say.
"We probably shouldn't tell you."
"Oh okay."
"Well if you REALLY want to know..."
I laugh. "um no, but sure."
Margolis pokes Vernon in the arm. "You tell her."
Nate V. shakes his head and turns to me, "I don't know how to say this..."
I sigh, you know what, I explain, I don't care that much just tell me later. All three of the guys looked really disappointed.

Then we arrive at the rafting place and Nate comes over and hints for me to get Maxine to take her shirt off so shes only wearing a bathing suit. Sam is kind of mad at me but he gives me a hug any ways. I was missing Dru and Jeramie because she was on the other bus so I run up to them and want them to only pay attention to me. But they don't and I quickly give up and talk to Molli instead. I make sure Georgia knows she can't leave me alone ever. We had to drive forty five minutes up the mountain to get to the place we start rafting. We went on this huge bus and i'm sitting next to Hannah for the most awkward forty five minutes i can remember. We both were attempting to be nice to each other, but Hannah mentioned how Chapel Hill is better because its 'safer' then Durham which made me laugh really hard. Okay yes Chapel Hill is safer but how does that make is better necessarily. So we had a weird 'argument' that was arguing but pretending to like each other arguing. Then we argued about drugs for a few minutes until the southern guide stood in the front to tell us about safety. I used hate southerners, but as i've met more, gotten to know more, i've changed my mind. I can't really talk because technically i'm a southerner myself, but also I think their really interesting. This guy standing up there had obviously done this talk hundreds of times. He motioned with his hands, made jokes in all the right places. He called on the only two people who raised their hands, Henry and Ryan. His long hair and beard got in the way of his hat and he couldn't stop tapping his foot. He talked like he was above us all and that suddenly gave him authority. When Renee asked him a question he looked at her and she coiled a little underneath his stare. Jim was complaining endlessly about getting sun screen in his eye which is one of the examples of the kind of thing he does to get people to hate him.

6 people to a raft and the other bus had already made the 'perfect' group while my group kind of formed around Aja so me and Georgia were left out and Molli wouldn't separate from us. Renee flipped out at me again so when it became obvious one of us three would have to leave the other two i volunteered. As I was walking away I waved to Georgia and she mouthed... "I hate you" So, I was on a raft with Julie, Josh, Jordan, whose a substitute teacher who was helping drive who used to go to CFS. He's young, and awesome and knows every line from all these weird movies. Also we had Joe and Sam. Our guide was this woman who reminded me of every councilor at GRP. Jordan was trying to impress her with his authority and it wasn't working. He would make comments to get her to laugh but she wouldn't, she was way to smart for that. It was a lot of fun, honestly I thought it would be terrible. But see what I always forget is that I get along with Joe and Sam pretty well. I momentarily forgot all of those second periods when were hanging out and actually getting along. Sam did a back flip during one of the class four rapids. It was brilliant. He was sopping wet, and he was wearing this white band shirt and his cut off black jeans and with the helmet his eyes looked huge and he's so skinny even with the life jacket on. He looked so insane and I made fun of him the entire time. Joe's mohawk was sticking out of the holes in the top of the helmet and so all these bright orange wisps were coming out in front of me. I ended up being in the front for awhile but then got moved to the back because Sam started yelling about how weak I was. He kept telling me I looked like such a little kid and then another boat popped so we had to stop and wait for them to patch it up. So Sams out of the boat trying to keep it on shore and I'm lying down on the side while talking with Joe and life. The suddenly i sit up and we start playing rock paper scissors really really fast. Then both of the boys tell me if I fall out they wont save me, and earlier whenever we went around a turn i would fall in to the middle of the boat because as Joe says "You weigh like eight pounds," Which made me really happy. Then Sam let me pretend to make him drown by pushing his head in the water and he got really wet. Then we finally started again while Joe explained that anything that happened after this point was my fault and i kept poking him in the back just to make him turn around. The rapids had settled down and we were nearing the end. Ryan had flipped out of his boat twice, Henry once with his bright orange recess shirt (which he claims is the reason girls asked him to dance at the dance, even though its just because everyone loves Henry). Were finally quiet for the first time all day. Then Jordan looks around and says "Isn't it beautiful."

You sound intelligent if you appreciate beauty. Suddenly your smarter if you claim somethings beautiful.

I'm thinking about this when Joe sighs and turns to me. "You realize your blog entry is going to be like eight pages, and you know what i'm going to read every single word." I laugh and say yeah, i've realized that. "And i'll comment!" Joe says, "I'll comment something as long as the entry itself." "yay!" I say ... I think everyone realized that everything they said to me would be catalogued and sorted in to my entry. I wanted to turn to Joe and say, I hope your realize your actions are going to be quoted. Of course I leave out all the bad stuff, the stuff I really can't share. Just, I spend my life attempting to remember things and once I write them down I can forget them. I don't have to remember the details because I can just read it. That's why I have to write it all down, so my mind doesn't get completely full. Why do i spend so much time on memories?

I made my May mix... like I do every month and its playing now on shuffle. So Kieser Chiefs are playing which is nice because I haven't over played them yet. So, I have a feeling most of you are going to skip around until you see your name, *cough* Matt *cough* which kind of makes it pointless i'm typing all of this shit... but .... i guess i'm still going to go...

We climb back in the bus again and go to Lutherock which is Christian and everyone their reminds me of GRP which for some reason doesn't make me sad at all. Then we all fight over beds, and we change, or not... Star Wars was amazing. Matt just made fun of me using my dots, ... Only a few people have pointed out that I use them so much. For some reason I like using them on IM when I say goodbye. It's like the conversation isn't abruptly ending...

See?

Star Wars was amazing and the bus was super fun, even though Mianus jokes were made the entire car ride their and back. "Theirs a tree growing in Mianus!" The movie was great... hehe... not like other people in our class would know. Wait did i say that? Yeah, though I almost fell asleep and Nate had to keep reminding me this was the meaning of my existence.

The ropes course sucked. It isn't even worth my usual rambling.

The bus back Michael took my seat looking utterly miserable. We had to have the same buses back because of certain people who other people don't like. So I snuggled on a back seat with Georgia and we talked about boys for about an hour. Then we sung grease. Then Molli bought Cosmo... and we read sex tips for awhile passing the magazine to all the guys around us. And i'm talking about someone behind their back to Georgia and i'm explaining to her, "It's cute when they come up to you and you're like aw, your slightly retarded." Which was hysterically funny and both of us couldn't stop laughing. Then I turned on Spoon and fell asleep curled up as small as I could. When I woke up we were getting close to home and me and Nate played Solitaire on my ipod. And we talked, which we do really well.

When we got back Aja had this super important thing to tell me, but then she ended up not telling me because we couldn't get away from people. Grace took us to her house before the dance and we showered and me and Molli had this amazing talk when no one else was around. Ha, then I wore my dress and Georgia did my eye makeup because I was to lazy and Nina called me really upset. Then I was all rattled and kept hoping she was okay.

The dance was amazingly fun. Does this make me sound completely ridiculous?

Everyone looked great, and the music was brilliant. And the boys, the Sam Nate, Colin, Ryan, crowd dedicated Photograph to the girls and Georgia and I freaked out. We all danced with each other, and no one except Molli cried but honestly I couldn't be bothered because it was my last dance like this ever. The mood was perfect and when Henry and I are trying to salsa to the Gorillaz we knew nothing could be better. Spencer got suspended! Yes! Neutral Milk Hotel! But Joe took my cell phone home which was really dumb of me. When Send Me on My Way comes on as the fourth year song all of us go crazy and dance in this huge circle and jump around and were all desperately sad its over. So, I have to call my cell to get Matt's number which honestly I still don't know, and Joe's all drugged out on Amp's and isn't paying attention at all.

Though Sam finally drags me in to the guys bathroom with Nate to show me his six pack that he swears only shows up in the right light. So they make sure no ones inside and Sam drags me inside to see his stomach. The six pack is there under the fluerecent lights... He was so proud it was really sweet.

In the car I sat and looked out the window while Jeramie and Dru were in the back. "I am so content right now," Dru says and we all nod and laugh, and smile and look out at the rain coming down against the dark trees lining the road.

At Graces, Georgia felt desperately sorry for herself and we all felt sorry for her because she was sad so we grouped together on the couch and watched South Park and Friends and ate chips until we physically couldn't eat anymore.

My mom picks me up and once I get home I can finally breath. I was done after two intense days of being whatever I am at school. It was so relaxing to surrender myself to being a kid for once. I think i've explored that this year, this idea of not having to always be better then everyone else. Because honestly i'm not.

I have a new Damien Rice song I listen to before bed. Volcano, has taken place over Delicate.

I'm in an amazing mood because the dance was so much fun, and fourth year trip is fresh in my mind, even though i'm half asleep. Matt calls and I throw on the closest shirt to me and turn on Weezer exceptionally loud. So when my parents knock on the door I don't hear them so I get a call from Matt telling me I locked my parents out of the house. hehe. Then we talk in my room for awhile and I definitely realize i'm the worse person out of us two. Basically we walked to Duke Gardens while he complained about how long the walk was which was stupid as its about a mile. Then we ate jelly beans and talked under this tree for a really long time before walking out of the park. The thing with Matt is i'm lying there complaining about everything that's going on and he pokes me and says, "Hey, its almost summer, then all of these problems go away, then its all over and you don't have to think about it anymore okay?" And he suddenly makes me feel better. That's the reason. He always makes things okay. So, with everything that was going on and seeing him again after a few weeks, just it didn't have the result that others were hoping for. And only one person knows what i'm talking about and I don't even think he reads my blog. It was nice just to talk to him for four hours, it wasn't unfamiliar it was just us sitting there talking about everything that came in to our heads. We spit off the side of the bridge and I attempted to do it in a manly way but failed. At home we kind of lay on the couch for awhile playing with my dog until my brother stole Matt away to play video games. Upstairs we played with my brothers which is nice because I hate kids and Matt doesn't.

It's really hard I never see him. That's already been a small problem. It's a huge flaw in my personality. So, i'm scared of what not seeing him will cause next....

I talked to Nate online though and we had a really good conversation where I was completely honest and I think i've figured it out.

"Woke up today, just called to say your bodies cold your going no where... your going no where..."

So I had these high powered days of extremes. The times when i'm being so happy, when were playing volleyball and Dru jumps on top of me and I pull her down in to the sand and were laughing hysterically and jumping around, and Nate comes up in this really cute way and asks something that sounds dumb and I laugh and am like "You can do better then that," And i'm so happy I could care less about what he says next but I remember it being really nice.

I've been so together this weekend, hanging out with Matt was a nice way to end the extreme line of socialness. Which now I realize isn't a word.

So, that was it. I'm about to proof check it on Word and then disappear in to my going to bed world. I was walking my dog today and I was thinking about Nina. She was acting so weird last night. As if suddenly Eliza was either talking through her, or as if she herself had completely gone. I'm not mad at her, she wasn't being annoying, or mean she just kept talking about all these ideas that she claims no one can understand and I wanted to shake her out of this script she's feeding me and tell her I understand perfectly. Because I do, shes talking about how she feels her mind changing and its amazing because I've felt that to. You feel when you grow up. I think we're taking different paths, were getting farther and farther away from each other even though were still on the same line, understand? For the first time ever I felt dumb for loving the OC with her, as if suddenly she was way to cool for it. I love Nina, just sometimes I worry shes not having fun, shes just living to get somewhere. I think shes realizing now time always goes at the same rate and you should appreciate where you are on that line now, before this time is gone. But I love her more than anyone in the world and no matter what she does... she'll ALWAYS be my favorite. And i will love her no matter what.

This is what I was thinking while walking my dog for a half an hour while some woman was playing an opera song that was heard throughout the neighborhood while she gardened.

Fourth

2005-05-18T16:36:00.000-04:00

Fuck

So if you knew about my day you would understand why my nails are barely existent. I've spent the entire day chewing them, because i've been nervous and stressed out, and loud so to silence myself i stick my fingers in my mouth. So much for giving up biting my nails. The cuticles are ragged and i've started biting underneath the nail, ripping out the skin growing back. This is painful sure sometimes, but as i've attempted to explain its better then cutting myself, which could be my other choice of therapy. So yes, I spent all afternoon chewing my fingernails down to a quick, jumping around my room in an amazingly good mood and not doing the research paper due on Wednesday. Just one thing, everyone realizes i'm allowed to have fun right. Nothing in my life is serious, this is my problem. I'm terrified of anything that can't change, and i'm nieve enough to think that things I don't want to change wont. So i'm just trusting my instincts and i'm having the best time of my life.

I told Molli she was insane and she jumped on top of me during first period. It kind of interrupted class as we were in the middle of the classroom me saying "Kidding!Kidding!" as loud as i could as she kicked me way to hard in the shins. Sam was playing with my hair tie on my hand and kind of leaning on me so we got told by Adam mid sentence "Save the fondling for after class guys." Which prompted me to kind of jab Sam hard in the ribs. We got our learning center scores back. Which was nice because Adam definitely learned the way to stay on my good side and to keep me in a good mood is to praise me. Then during class I thought of this comparison of the Swift Boat Veterans adds to Fahrenheit 9-11 and it was the kind of discussions I had been missing in class. I love when you have a roll where you think of a connection and end up rolling with it and everyone is listening to you. Then someone perks up with an argument and you get to form a rebuttal in your mind. This is why I miss that one trimester of Debate last year. I feel like I was meant to argue with people.

And then Nate and I walk in to the fourth year meeting fifteen minutes late just as Renee is talking about responsibility on the trip and everyone glares at us and that's why Renee isn't exactly that happy with me. "We were studying spanish... sorry." I say and sit down and make sure I don't say another word the entire time.

Then Tuesday happened, and now were here. And my nails are still not there. And i've finished classes and i'm so tired I think I might sleep for awhile.

And spanish class is over, and so is dance, and I almost cried during fourth period because I couldn't believe this year was over.

So i'm still not going to talk about what's going on... its dumb... and everyone knows any ways.

The phone keeps ringing. I have no interest in answering.

Surrender

2005-05-15T23:37:00.000-04:00

Don't worry, its way hard for me to forget about blogging. I'm always here in the end...

Three more days of classes. Again I marvel at how fast time is passing. I only have 41 minutes of juice on my computer battery. I didn't eat dinner because I wasn't hungry, but now my stomach kind of aches, though for some reason its kind of ached like that all afternoon. As if I was anticipating something that is going to happen, but I don't know what it is.

I've been in my room the entire weekend being in the best mood i've been in awhile. I just went downstairs and its pouring, lightening for one of the first times in a few months. I'm usually terrified of opening my blinds, but tonight's an exception.

I've listened to Spoon so much its continuously in my head.

I'm so off in my own world I don't even really feel like blogging. I'm sitting on my bed in anticipation of something, and I still don't know what it is. Nothing happened but i'm sitting here in the dark grinning like an idiot. Maybe it was the nice phone calls I had this weekend, or the IM conversations where suddenly people aren't scared to say what they're feeling. Maybe its that soccer's over and i'm to lazy to think about anything except my research paper anymore. I've had a lot of time in my room this weekend, and I learned a lot more about myself then I was expecting.

Ten minutes just went by as I wrote the last sentence. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Wednesday after third period Molli and Henry paid me the highest compliments. I mentioned this, my blog while Adam was getting ready to leave. Henry asked Adam if he had read it, Adam replied no. Suddenly Henry and Molli, who's sitting on the couch doodling in my graph paper notebook are gushing about my blog to Adam. I'm leaning against the table grinning and turning bright red. "You have to read it! Its Brilliant! Shes amazing, Adam you HAVE to read it." Adam looks at them then at me. "I'd like that Rebecca would you mind?" I shrugged. I couldn't stop my mom, I say. Molli writes down the address and tries to press it on Adam who gives her this look and says, Rebecca'll give it to me when she's ready. And he smiles at me and leaves.

I couldn't stop smiling through out my entire math test. So I'm going to give him the address on the last page of my research paper. As a little note, just in case he actually really does want to read it.

Molli's not talking to me because at the soccer game on Fri. Sam and Nate came over to the bench and I hung out with them.

It was actually a lot of fun because they were being really cool, and we were eating Joe's star bursts because he was giving them to us, and I was sticking the wrappers down Sam's shirt until he got mad, and Grace was talking about how Nate wasn't hot and i was disagreed completely. Then at the end of the game when we lost and Grace and I are the only ones not crying she turns to me and says, "I love how we don't have to feel guilty because we didn't play." I look at her, "Hells yeah." The bus ride home we spat sunflower seeds in Dave's lap and pestered him to tell us about the gossip. So everyone forgot about the shitty game really quickly.

Then that night Matt called me which was nice...

And the next morning I got online and only Nate was on and I got to tell him about my really weird dream which was fun because he was in it. And then I surrendered myself to the computer screen and spoon.

I think i'm ganna go

Place

2005-05-15T22:38:00.000-04:00

Now Carole Don’t Get Ahead Of Yourself
Don’t Say Nothing Right Now
I’ll Take It Anywhere You Let It Go

Everything Moving So Fast
It’ll Take You A Place Where You Can’t Get Back
And I’ve Seen It Enough
You Gotta Make Me Shut Up

So There’s Something To Look Forward To
Gimme Something To Look Forward To

Your Mistakes Your Merciless Eye
Your Chicago Manual Of Style
It Only’s Got To Go Just As Far As We Let It Go
So Carole Let Me Know

So Many Things We Could Say
So Many Things We Could Let Get Out
But You Stay In Instead
Some Things Are Best Left Unsaid

Gimme Something To Look Forward To

Tuesday

2005-05-10T17:33:00.000-04:00

So, I spend to much time blogging...

Tuesday, it feels like Wednesday.

Lunch... Finally a day were only the small things are going wrong. ]

Its so hot in my room... so i'm only wearing my bra and pajama pants. I love it.

Third period.... we were watching fahrenheit 9-11. I was lying down on the couch because Sam R. had gotten up because of his phobia of being near me, or talking to me lately. We're only about half an hour in, if you've seen the movie it is talking about the Bush relationship with the Saudies. You understand that I am one of the most liberal people out there... and I salute Michael Moore in a lot of ways. Hes as very bright guy, Bowling for Columbine is brilliant, he's a very good person to make fun of too... (see Team America for the best example...) But god damn it, he takes people as fucking idiots and they eat it up. So I raise my hand and start to tell Adam about how insane his argument is, how untrustworthy, how ridiculous, how really in this situation the Bush family isn't doing anything wrong. And yes its a business deal and they have the right to that and how the first half of this movie is completely pointless.... and Robinson tells me to stop being a Smart Ass but i don't stop. Surprisingly enough everyone supported my argument and later Maxine tells me later I was making a very good point and it was really great to hear. The day got that much better. When do I ever get to rampage on about my ideas and people actually listen all the way through?

Fourth period.... brilliant, as always. Most on the mathlete sheet... but alas i kind of did copy some of Dru's. For once Michael didn't get the best, he got six while I got eight. haha Rock. Oh and I was drafted to explain to the entire class how to do long division which was great fun. Except later David gave me a problem to practice with for the test tomorrow and I couldn't do it. Which is highly embarrassing and which also means I should be studying right now...

Lunch... it was pie a fourth year day. Which means the other students could get water balloons or whipped cream pies and throw them at the willing fourth years. I wasn't going to join in until Georgia said she was. Ah, i'm a conformist, shoot me. And then I was avoiding getting wet until I sneak up to Margolis (like how i'm using last names for the Nates and Sams) and he takes the whipped cream in his hand and spreads it all over my face.. and hair. Meaning I have half an inch thick of whipped cream in my ear. Before long i'm completely pied, Hannah did quite an amazing job of getting me. I'm still in my tank top and jeans though, I don't have a change of clothes and i'm soaking wet. Schopler picks me up and spins me around a little... meaning I have cream everywhere. I challenge Jim R. to a small water fight duel and end up crushing one over his head. Michael throws cream all over my back. Henry gets it in my hair. Schopler takes the recycling bin full of water and dumps it on Ryans head. Takes the other one and dumps it on Molli. I'm completely covered in water/cream paste and my hair is starting to stick in the same place. Georgia and I run to a hose and try to get all of it out of our hair. Robinson is wearing joe's trench coat and nothing underneath. Joe wore his pink shirt... Margolis is letting me eat some of the unused whipped cream. And Vernon is kind of holding back. I'm sopping wet but their is no need to change.

Advisee time... were fixing up millers bluff. A sitting area looking out on the baseball field. We have to ply up the old wood and after Randy is failing I grab the hammer myself and tell him "This is how its done..." So, I'm plying up these wood panels for forty five minutes. Spencer is talking to me, telling me a story about something or other, I'm reaching for hammers and Randy is making fun of my awesome skills. I got really in to it too. I realized I have to use tools more often, ply things up, pull out nails, hammer. Its quite rewarding.

Seventh Period... I'm yelling at Philip because after I told Joe i keep his secrets Philip says, "Oh really you? I don't believe it." I told Philip I actually hadn't had a conversation with him since fifth grade and i've changed a lot. I'm comparing stomachs with Joe, and Dylan is talking to us about something. We all kind of sat on pillows until Rachel comes in and gives us life savers. Then I'm talking about the OC in great detail when were talking about Rape and I'm explaining it then I pause and say "Well it's only a TV show." Dylan laughs "Well," I say, "Not for..."
"You" Dylan finishes. I unzip the bright red zipper on the side of his plaid pants.
"Well not for me. Oh.. My God... so then..." Joe also ate my gum... which made me laugh really really hard until Rachel got mad and Joe told me she was going to eat us and that set me off again... until he did his creepy snake like thing and I had to turn the other way to avoid it and suddenly everything that wasn't funny in the first place wasn't funny at all.

Soccer Practice.... Were practicing penalty kicks and I'm being loud and hyper and talking non stop to grace and anna ruth and kirsten. I'm explaining to Grace about how much I love the shape of her boobs "their so round!"
"Apposed to what? Triangle?" Which made me laugh hard and kind of skip off out of the line and mess up every PK i attempted to do. Then i'm explaining about how I was talking in third period, and about Grace and Ben. Then Grace tells some story and then Anna Ruth and i'm out of line and dancing around...and were goofing around and Hot Hot Heat is in my head so all I have is this one line playing over and over "....You owe me and IOU She was in the habit of taking things for granted..." Then I fail my PK again and again and laugh, and trip over the ball, and talk about that one time when.... Then I shut up for awhile and poke fun of Grace. But, I have tons of shit in my hair still so i'm attempting to get it out. Suddenly i remember the next line of that song so I sing that one in my head for awhile instead.

Fowlers

2005-05-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

I kind of just suddenly had this weird feeling that a chapter in my life closed.

Let me explain

I just turned on Wonderwall so maybe Ryan Adams just does that to me. Suddenly everything seems fits in to place perfectly, and you know what the other person is thinking. And once you know, some of the fun is gone. Suddenly life makes way to much sense, and this whole situation is over. Not the whole chapter, only a small bit of it, of this year, of this feeling, has closed. Dead end... in a way I wasn't quite expecting.

A part of me still likes the Oasis version more.

When Matt came over for passover I was playing him both versions and we accidentally left it on when we went to ninth street. Now, both are the most played on my computer.

Isn't it interesting how much easier it is to tell people what you think when you can't see them react. Your conscious gets the better of you and that's how i get in to all the trouble i do. I think the worst part about that is the next day, the awkward do you confront the problem or what stays on the web stays on the web. Which reminds me of the OC which makes me feel terribly sad and desperate.

Everyone who reads this knows that i've sunken low enough in to obsessing that its terribly hard not to talk about it every second. Did any of you see last weeks? I was watching with my dad and he enjoyed the special effects of the car rolling over so much he watched it again... and again... and again.

Its hard when you know someone doesn't need you anymore, or when you don't need them, that's even scarier...

I think i'm going to turn on Jewel and slowly reminisce about my life in a way that only 90's pop can help me do. What a nice feeling it is when you finally give up on doing homework and doing all the things that are due... and settle to the fact that its to late and if your going to fail life it might as well be some time when it really doesn't matter THAT much.

Maybe i'll play my James. Man do i love the James.

About a half hour ago my dad walked in to my room and switches the light on and tells me I can't work in the dark. Why not? I ask and complain that I love it when its dark. He tells me that I can't because i'm not depressed and if I keep it off he's going to think i'm doing drugs. I complain some more and he tells me that when i've been dumped and am wallowing in self pity I can sit with my lights off. I tell him that i'm very happy, but the lights off calm me down. He stops looking for what he's looking for in the bathroom, which is where he led me. He turns to me and says "You're not a bat, keep the light on" Actually I can't complain about anything my dad does now, or ever actually. Because, yesterday I come up to him very innocent and mention Austin City Limits and the amazing lineup for this September. I ask, timidly if I can go and my dad asks when it is. I tell him and mention Steve Earl is going to be there, along with Lucinda William's. Suddenly his enthusiasm has grown, and tells me he'll take me. He says he'll take me to Austin! Hehe... maybe because he was kind of rattled by his insane sister this weekend. He desperately wanted me to talk about it on my blog. He comes home, and my mom tells me she wishes I could have gone instead of Sasha because I would have handled the situation better. My dad tells me he wishes I had gone because it would have made a brilliant blog entry. He tried to remember word for word but gave up, sighing, if only you were there. My dad just walked in my room and asked me who was singing. "Jewel" I say. He asks me how the report is coming. I don't bother to correct him. "Fine" He sighs and says "Oh yeah Jewel... He asks me if i'm alight. He's concerned which surprises me as I think i'm fine. Stressed out of my mind but fine. Last night he came home and we spent two hours in my room talking. I reenacted scenes from Laramie and talked about visiting DSA. We just talked and then he showed me a film he found at milk and cookies( the negro astronaut's... God Damn, Space is a Cold Motherfucker). After DSA on Friday nina slept over and I went upstairs when I came home to say hi to my parents. When we go downstairs to watch OC nina says "Your guys' relationship is so weird, you're like their best friend." So yeah.. that's a little odd I think. Well it has some perks, like your mom taking you to Guglehaugh to have Chia lattes. I love my daddy, and you know what, I actually made him follow through and today we bought tickets. I'm going to a fucking music festival! A large one with all of my favorite bands basically. Including Spoon... and Death Cab... and Oasis...and Coldply... and The Bravery...and YAY! Can't wait until September....

So I am not allowed to be mean to my dad for a very long time.

My mom wont let me go with Aja to get her belly button pierced... not like i'm getting it done. Well I guess Aja will be on her own....

So, I went to DSA on Friday. I thought I was going to come back completely rejuvenated with CFS, excited that I went to such a special school. Hm, that didn't quite happen. I loved it. I loved the people, and the large classes and the older, louder kids walking around. I was so impressed by the length that we had to walk to the next class, the way the class actually paid attention because if they didn't bad things would happen. Matt was really nice about introducing me to people. First period was math... huh I kind of had to answer a few of the problems for him. Second was Health where Duke students were teaching about Rape and physical abuse. The first thing they ask... is ... anyone watch the OC last night? I attempt to restrain myself from talking. Whenever drunkenness is mentioned Matt gives me this look and I can't stop smiling. I'm not going to go through the rest of the day. I ran in to Nina and she embraced me in a hug and we are talking again. Matt asked us if we even remembered what we were fighting about. Both of us look up at him... "Yes, we remember." Oh, Matt says, that's where girls are different from guys. Ask me about it, i'll gladly tell you in great detail about how every single girl who met me and was told I was Matt's girlfriend turn to him and say "You're cheating on me!" I don't care.. it just gets slightly repetitive. We were walking to a class and I was asking him about how much he flirts. "Hugs, and stuff," He says. "you're lying," I say, feeling guilty already. And any ways I do think he's lying, i'm more physical with him then any other guy but Matt's always been the guy who put his hand around me... way before we were going out. "I'm not" he says. I still don't really believe him but I say, "Well I don't believe you because i'm worse then that so..." Okay so i'm not that bad... but I have a few stories. Ryan is in all of Matts classes after fourth period and suddenly i'm hanging out with these two boys who are yelling Mamma jokes at each other across the room. And damn, I was completely enjoying myself. I can't really explain them as a unit, you have to experience it first hand. Its worse the me and Nina if you can believe it. After school Satisfactions happened as usual and I had a small mental breakdown to match Ninas and Matts. Blaz believe it or not was picking up on my Social cues extremely well and would keep hinting at Matt who would then feel bad and attempt to make it up. I was very proud of Blaz though and salute him in his excellent cue taking. Then, we got dragged to play Soccer. Nina and I were talking and the guys are herding us on to the field. "Damn feminism, I hate how we have to play just to show that girls can play when actually..." "We would rather sit here and talk" "Exactly"

Though later we went to fowlers to get coffee and left the boys. Then, the afternoon led to me making a quote that I think I will be quoted on forever, being yelled at by nina and cops. Running across the road, terrified, telling Ryan when Georgia would come, talking about the insanity of the human race, hanging out with Matt and his friends, talking about gay pirates and donuts, being replaced by a gay pirate, replacing Matt with the I love donut man, yelling for a guy from fencing who wasn't actually there, and finally actually going inside to watch Laramie.

It was amazing

I don't want to talk about it on here... way to much to say and you wont get the full effect. Except I got the weird shivers I always get with extreme emotion and spent the entire second intermission attempting to have Matt keep me warm. I cried, not real tears just.. as much crying as you can do at a high school play.

I get an interesting email today from Michael... I had asked him how he was doing and he says after telling me he's fine "let's just say I have family issues above anything you'd understand."

Oh really... i think i've learned this weekend that every family is completely entirely fucked up. Mines not special. I replied telling him that i bet i would understand and he shouldn't assume I wouldn't because he knows nothing about my family situation. Henry told me that the reason people get along with me is that i'm nice to everyone. Then Henry pauses. Everyone except Michael actually, which is kind of ironic. Now i feel terrible, and am trying to be as nice as I can.

Today was amazingly brilliant. The sky was gorgeous and we watched movies in three different classes.

Joe and Maxine are going out and Nate and Sam corner me in Leons room asking me for details. Sam did save a spot for me on the couch during third period because we were watching fahrenheight 9-11. So I got the prime spot on the couch, though Sam R. seemed reluctant to sitting next to me. First period we watched this movie about frogs. More like frogs reproducing in Australia, and how these frogs have sex a lot, and you can get high off thier poison and its really bad, and nothing eats them and there are hundreds of thousands of these frogs walking around Australia. It is the most fucking odd movie I have ever seen. It was so completely surreal. I kept on turning to Molli and writing on her notebook... What the fuck?!? It was amazing. I want to find out everything about it.... write a documentary on the making of this insane movie. Writing about Star Wars makes me want to direct so bad... but I wont talk about that now....Dance class wasn't even that bad and Nate and I got out of it early any ways. I was deathly loud during fourth period and bounced around the school during Lunch. I made Nate sit outside with me to do spanish and I made fun of him because he couldn't tell the difference between a cobweb and a spider web. I found my glasses again, the ones I stole, the plastic ones, and wore them the entire six period. Inside I was exceptionally loud and gathered a small group of girls around me as I was talking about some dumb story. But I quieted down quickly. Slipped the glasses off the top of my head and on to my face. Stared down at them and started reading in Spanish. When I went up to the Library I walked in with my glasses and Mig and Tim both look at me, "Where did you get those?!?" They laugh. Around, I say and head towards the water fountain. It's been a good month.

Yay

2005-05-08T19:16:00.000-04:00

YAYAYAYAY!!!

Here

I can't wait! the geek deep inside me bursting to come out....

Phelps

2005-05-07T10:25:00.000-04:00

LookHerald Sun article about the play/protesters last night... Nina's quoted and sounds... she's here right now telling me I can't say anything about her quote. The play was great and the group I was with was there from the minute the protesteres arrived.

I bought a pin thats purple and says "hate is not a family value"

The protesters were outnumbered by the ones accross the street who were holding peices of paper that had on it "Gay? Fine by me." Gay DSA students dressed up as pirates and handed out flyers.

A man held a huge box of donuts that read "Love donuts" and was handing them out to all the kids on the counterprotesting side of the street.

More later

Yeah

2005-05-05T17:08:00.000-04:00

Spencer: Yeah that really sucked, sucked hard, (pause) like a Russian Whore

Spoonfull

2005-05-04T17:11:00.000-04:00

Nine more days of class and counting...

I should be replying to two important e-mails right now or doing homework but instead I spent the last hour listening to potential ringtones on my computer. Actually last hour and a half. I didn't know I had the attention span to do something like that for so long. I downloaded the new Weezer CD. Yes, the one that doesn't come out until a week from yesterday. Some songs are as good as the old Weezer. Its actually really, really great and its nice to listen to something you haven't exhausted yet, knowing you are going to love it.

Today I found myself get home and mindlessly play with my nails while listening to Weezer, sitting in my desk chair and thinking before looking up and realizing I hadn't moved for the last fifteen minutes. I was actually in a really good mood today, but later everyone was giving off this vibe as if suddenly they had all talked behind my back and decided they didn't like me anymore. Matt called me later at home to ask if i'm coming to school with him on Friday and when I said yes of course! I can't wait! He says "Good because i've been telling everyone i've seen your coming." Which was cute but I had this urge to ask him "Wait, you still like me right?" Not because I didn't think so, no, just because him assuring me would make me feel as if the world suddenly didn't start plotting against me after all. Sometimes I do feel like I live two lives. I didn't ask though, because not only does it make me sound self centered when he was being completely nice and not doing anything wrong. But also because that would be weird... and it didn't matter so I didn't.

I've been accusing my mom of things lately, whenever I bring up something she turns to me, squints her eyes and says in a predictable voice. "No, that's so weird? Why would you ask that, I mean that's just weird. That's just weird." It is the most annoying thing that she's does. "No,mom" I say, "It's actually not that weird." Because what i'm asking is never weird she just pretends it is even though I know she knows its not. I asked her why her and dad were attracted to each other and she replied "What? Why are you asking me that? That's such a weird question?" Um mom actually its not.

Track 3 This is Such a Pity is probably my favorite. It sounds a little like the Killers I think.

Rivers is insane, I want him.

What used to be irregular at school has turned in to the regular. We hang out with the same people each day but they aren't the same people we started the year off with. People walk down the halls willing themselves to go to the next class. I've gotten to lazy to care, and I think most of the school agrees with me. We're all just to tired, to worried, to fucked to think anymore.

I spent half an hour walking around with Nate today before sixth period. We ended up sitting on the radiators and talking about random things as always. As Anna Ruth told me about a month ago, its nice to see you guys as friends and actually friends instead of flirting all the time. I was proud when she told me this and thanked her for noticing. Any ways he doesn't like me anymore and I don't like him so its all going well...

I think I sunburned my nose. About a day ago I decided I hate people again (this is happening more and more frequently i think.) No one reason had brought this on, only the added up annoyances of the kids around me. I love people but by the end of the year even the ones I love the most are doing small things that drive me insane. They can't help it, they aren't doing anything wrong really in theory. Just a certain eye roll by someone, or the way someone takes notes. This is why I will grow up alone, after I get to know people something about them drives me insane. When I bring up this very abrupt and obvious problem they tell me that when I love someone enough their annoyances wont matter. They being adults in general who try to preach to me about my problems. Instead I like to sigh dramatically and exclaim that i'll find something wrong with them in the end! just so I can be right and walk away feeling sorry for myself.

About a week ago late at night my internet wasn't working so I was sitting on our hall floor with my computer. No one was being interesting and I didn't really want to do my math homework so I got out a frozen milkshake from cookout and heated it up so it was smooth. About a minute later my dad came down and did the same thing. He sat on the steps and me on the floor both of us eating spoonful after spoonful. After about three minutes I look up and say, "We feel so sorry for ourselves don't we."
"Yeah, we really do."

I think i'm over hating people...

Yesterday I stayed after school to watch the dress rehearsal of the high school play. It was after a soccer game that ended at six and the play started at seven thirty. Nate and Sam S. were around so I shot some baskets with them while they made endless fun of my lack of skills. We went inside the school to get scissors so i could cut off a portion of Sam's hair that was bothering me. I have Outkast stuck in my head. The whole school, which is really only a main room with other rooms coming out of it, is completely dark. No one is around and we head towards the staff room. I like places that usually are filled with people when they are completely still. They feel more special that way. Sam says what i'm thinking. "We could totally make out now." Yep, I say. Then at the same time we both say, "If only you were someone else."

Were kidding, kind of, were not that mean, but its true.

I ate dinner while we talked. An hour later I went in to get a seat for the play. Out of the twenty people only three were kids. We sat staggered in the front row. While we waited we made paper crane after paper crane.....

Wellspring

2005-05-02T12:50:00.000-04:00

Wellspring ... Sunday night around five o'clock. A Father with his daughter are waiting in line with two cans of salsa and chips. Usually the pair is mistaken for a divorced dad and his daughter that hes taking care of for the weekend. Today is different. Dad is wearing a life is good t-shirt.

Tall necked man behind counter : Is life good?
Dad: What?
TNMBC: Is life good?
Dad: Yes! Yes! life is good, would i be wearing this shirt if it wasnt?
TNMBC: I don't know...
Long pause
TNMBC: If I asked you if you lied would I be able to believe your answer?
Dad: But the shirt never lies, only the man can do that.
TNMBC: That could be true but we don't really know
Dad: Hm I guess
TNMBC : Very true

The minute we get outside to the car I can't stop laughing.

Stealing Tea

2005-04-30T01:19:00.000-04:00

Usually its me who has the music blasting at twelve at night... her laptop on and her body caffeinated. Tonight its me again, but i have someone doing the same exact thing downstairs. A mother who complains about lack of sleep continuously can't go to bed instead she stays up to work or secretly log on to idolonfox.com. Vienna is playing, I started to love this song after Thirteen going on Thirty. Maybe I shouldn't love that movie but secretly I do.

Joni Mitchell just came on. When I was younger a cd player was set up in my parents room. I must have been nine and my brother five. My dad would put in Blue by Joni Mitchell and i would fall asleep to it every night. I know the first three tracks by heart just because every night they were the last things i listened to. My room isn't dark enough. Tonight I wish I wasn't as alone. This was the best day i've had in a very long time. I can't believe its already the weekend. I've been waiting for a time when I can write all week. My life isn't slowing down though I think i've asked for it to go a few paces slower. How can I remember every memory. Every weekend do I have to sit up late and remind myself?

People are mad at me because i'm happy.

Counting Crows just came on. I think my mom is playing them downstairs. I took my dog on a walk today, I brought my ipod along and listened to Beulah and The Shins. It's my favorite part of my day if I go my usual rout. I can think, or I can not. But I get to just walk at my own pace and not think about talking or what I have to say for a minute. I like when Nina walks with me, those walks are always more fun. You find such interesting people in your neighborhood.

Yes Death Cab ... Lack of Color. I hate Bush for making me miss the OC. He's not doing anything to increase his popularity. Any other time during the week. Any! Damn him for taking away my one hour of pleasure this week.

Yesterday was a lot of extremes. I hated our school. I despised it, loathed it, was miserable and unappreciative. Pam is our assistant librarian. She works with Mig in the library as that is where most librarians work. Rocket Ship - Guster. Nice. This song reminds me of Canada. I listened to it when I went to bed every night. The chorus, the bumpy roads of salt spring. Pam is probably one of the nicest people in the world if you get on her good side. I love this woman, we bond over hatred of weeding and the OC which she watches religiously. Mind you she's a 46 year old woman with one son in my grade. She despises Jeramie though which means our advisee group either loves her or is terrified of her. Basically Someone on Earth Day last Thursday keyed her car. See the one thing about Pam is she's probably the only Republican teacher at the school. And, on her very nice SUV she has a W '04 sticker right in the back window. Most people know its her car. It doesn't fit well next to Adams beat up red miada.

On Monday we had a tedious meeting for Worship where Pam started to cry and tell the whole school that the car really meant something to her and she can't believe someone did this. It was a nice idea for the first ten minutes. She cried some more. Renee (head teacher) told us all about how trust is important and how we need to learn and she can not believe this and on and on. It should have ended there. After meeting for worship all the kids asked around if they knew who keyed it. No one did, the subject was forgotten in about five minutes. Now lets put aside the keying incident. On Wednesday I walk in to settling in to listen to Renee talking about how someone left a plate from hot lunches on the floor. Later, during seventh period the plate was still there and people were walking by not picking up the spilled lunch on the carpet. The people she yelled at happen to be Dru and Georgia but that doesn't matter. Jon Magovern supposedly spent time cleaning the carpet and he would have come talk to us but as hes so disappointed and angry that he doesn't want us to see him only as the angry man who screamed at us about the carpet so hes letting Renee do the work. What the Fuck?! It was a fucking plate?!? During lunch Ryan and Samantha clean up the trash outside because they felt so terrible for not taking better care of our community.
Okay that's nice, we all felt bad... or pretended to feel bad about the carpet. No one could see the stain though we were being told it was there. That afternoon after a rained out dress rehearsal for dance i'm getting a ride home with Mig who missed Wednesday staff meeting because she had to drum for our dance. Ida comes up and Mig rolls down the window of the Honda Odyssey exactly like my families. Mig asks about staff meeting and Ida tells her they are scheduling a car wash to pay back the keying of the car, many car washes actually and that every advisee group is going to make Pam a card and stick them in her windshield wiper every day. Mig nods and smiles saying that sounds great and how nice. My seat belt isn't on and the minute the window goes up I slink down my seat. I cover my face and say "Oh My God" Mig laughs. I repeat myself. "What are you thinking?" Mig asks "Cause i'm probably thinking the same thing." I sit up and say "we're taking this way to far." Mig laughs and nods. I continue to talk about how obsessive and annoying the whole situation is with Mig for a few more minutes. That made me feel better. We didn't do it. It was the older kids obviously, actually now on Friday the person who did it came out and Nate knows who it was. It was not one of us, most of us barely know Pam, and we apologized to her face in a meeting for worship. Why does this need to continue. Thursday we were asked to sign pages in a book that a staff member had compiled to thank Jon,David, and Dylan for cleaning our carpet. One little patch of food. One. Even today we got lectured about how horrendous the leaving of the plate was.

Maybe i'm just cynical but isn't this a little insane? Maybe i'm a terrible person because I don't think that signing a book to thank someone for cleaning a patch of carpet is the best way to show appreciation. Dru and I signed the book. "Thank you David... Yay out to Lunch to Bandido's on Monday! - Dru and Rebecca.

Let me tell you about Schadenfreude. Last year around basketball season someone announced UNC's loss and the Duke fans, about half the room cheered. Everyone in Durham has a team. Its black and white. I've always grown up a mixed child with no real preference and its been hell for me. This year I gave in and went for UNC being lucky enough to go for the winning team. Its also common knowledge your not a good UNC fan if you don't ALWAYS want Duke to lose and vise versa with Duke. I don't see how the losing of another team matters, but as we always talk about in math class under these rules Michael is a 'bad' fan while Nate who always roots against Duke is a "good/real" fan. Last year someone announced the loss. Half the room cheered. The next day Adam stands up during announcements at the white board that hangs in the center. Adam has charisma and we all listen, intently. He writes a word up on the board in his capital letters that he always uses. Schadenfreude. He asks if anyone knows what this is. No one does. He states that its taking pleasure in other peoples pain or losses. He goes on to explain it in more detail. It was so surreal. Competition is human nature guys. People have to get ahead in life, people do take pleasure in others pain because its human. We try not to, its not the best thing to do but we do it anywise. Are you going to judge me on my lack of empathy. Don't, i've been at this school for four years and when Adam my favorite teacher goes up to start talking about how were all shadenfreude filled and how no more sports announcements will be made at school I feel betrayed. As if the only person who I thought wouldn't get sucked in to the system did.

I was really frustrated with CFS yesterday. I hated the kindness the togetherness the sharing the patience. I tried to tell Samantha during the other rehearsal for dance I just mentioned don't you think they are going a little to far with this cleaning the center thing. Samantha said no, of course not its a huge issue and should be handled like this.

That scared me a little bit. I turned to Dru instead who agreed with me completely. Maybe you don't understand. Maybe you don't get how detached our community is. But we are and that's what scares me, the realization that most kids would get eaten alive any where else. The realization that the world doesn't work like this. Its a nice fantasy for a few years and i'm not going to even go in to the whole 'this isn't the real world' argument. Fuck it CFS is the real world its just a real world that sometimes I don't belong in. That's why today I hung out with the people I did. It detached me, suddenly I was in control, I knew georgia would be annoyed. I knew people would notice but, you know they were being really cool, and wanted me to stay to hang out with them, so I didn't leave. I unlike people i wont name aren't sucking up to the athorities. I get a look from Leon when I half lye down during meeting for worship. I have my own opinions and for those minutes between class I don't have to follow around the year book staff and go to the smoothie sale. Instead I can steal some tea with Jeramie and sit with four guys two wearing matching plaid pants in Ida's room. I hate when people don't see things I see, but I hate when people notice things as I do more. I'm over it now. Thursday night changed a lot. Spanish today did too.

We danced on the field and I had a great time. Yes, the thing I was regretting. It was actually a moment. In the end the drums are going and were dancing in the middle of the field, i’m holding Leo’s hand and Oliver is chasing Mariah. Dru is next to me and Julliette near us. Ryan’s fake falling to make Dru laugh and Mike’s dancing with Anna a little ways away. The drums are still being played and Aja and I watch Dave as always. Nate was around but soon disappeared. Suddenly I don’t care about that part of school anymore. Instead I want to explain to everyone that i’m having such a good day and run around on a field.

I really valued the silence of Meeting for Worship today. Sam was trying to get me to sit back with him underneath the desk but I kind of scooted out and instead cleared my head for a half hour. It was dark in the center during dance, it was so cozy as we helped make the set for the play next week. Spanish I ended up going outside and talking with someone for awhile. We just sat and talked pretending to read. We hadn’t talked in awhile and I had been missing it. I turned to Molli during first period today after I had had a very nice morning. We were observing live worms and she had hers in front of her. She named it Otis actually... I was sharing a worm with Sam because we wanted to work together and I didn’t want to have complete responsibility for something. See, i’m going to be a terrible mother. Michael's ignoring me, but he sits on my left with his grandmother. It was grandparents day. I take out these glasses I found yesterday that I was wearing all during Sex ed. Which by the way was amazingly fun and great as always. Well we didn't really learn yesterday. Rachel just let us goof off. So, i take out my glasses and show them off to the room. I know I look incredibly insane, they are clear and plastic and rap around goggle like. “Molli,” I say. “I’m going to be so incredibly sad when this year is over.” I push the goggles up on my face.
Molli sighs. She then looks up from Otis. “Rebecca you keep changing your mind.”
I grin, adjust my glasses again and poke my worm.

Phill

2005-04-29T23:26:00.000-04:00

Josh! Shayna and Becca
Originally uploaded by jamestaylorfan.

The one bouncing up in the back is Phill... probably one of my favorite people on earth. Of course he's the same guy whoh got fired next session. Becca's on the left then Josh... (hehe astronomy, god best times of my life was that hour hanging out when Josh says "ok so i have a question, its a little personal. Brittany told me she had to ban my name from your cabin" "oh its so hot... i'm goingn to just take off my shirt." man Josh was super) and shayna is on the right. She wants you all to know she looks a lot hotter now. Though I think shes beautiful here and i love her and Becca with all my heart...

Them

2005-04-29T19:33:00.000-04:00

Joe and Sam
Originally uploaded by jamestaylorfan.

Look what i found on Joe's picture site! Sam's hair isn't spiked anymore sadly enough... and joes shaved his sides again... where are they? I'm going to have to ask them. I'm using flickr now and it works insanely well. Hehe yes these are my friends.

Bruce

2005-04-27T19:12:00.000-04:00

I'm sore and bruised.

Such a little amount of people drive on my street at six on a Wednesday afternoon. I never noticed how few cars drove by on such a busy rode. So, i'm walking practically alone on one of the busiest non-highway streets in Durham. Walking home I panicked with the quietness and tried to sip my Latte quietly. Right now pages of information are being printed for my research paper. I'm going to have fun tonight with my ipod and a highlighter. I really can't wait until the Spegetti on the stove is ready.

Last night on the way back from fencing I was talking about images and school and how i've checked out of the year. In this time I quickly made a list of five people that I don't hate at this moment. Okay, yes i'm exaggerating... no I don't hate everyone, not anymore. Once I got home I started loving everyone again like I always do. I was telling my mom and counting on my fingers. She asks, "You even hate the little boys?"
"Yes" I say "I want them to go away, they're annoying so is everyone."

The figures have increased and I actually don't hate anyone anymore though its only been 24 hours since the initial list was made.

I was also really upset fencing was over for the year. Two people showed up for class, me and Matt. We were supposed to have a tournament but as it was just us we fenced for two hours. I did so terribly. I freaked out a little bit, and would rip my mask off and exclaim that " I Know what i'm doing wrong, don't tell me, I know what I have to do but i'm just not doing it." I could have done so much better then I was doing. In the end I beat him once, and wasn't doing as poorly at the beginning. Every time Matt would get me, because of his long arms (damn) or my incomplete attack or pere I would grab his blade every time it hit me. Ah its fun to fence your boyfriend.... especially when you get a small hug in-between matches and your using your brand new epee. This is my problem I love to fence. I am so obsessed and in love with the sport itself. Finally a sport where I enjoy doing it enough I beg my parents for me to do more. Rebecca getting in to a sport! Who would have thought. Yeah the one and a half hours of crouching down with a heavy weapon has made me very sore and very bruised everywhere. I lifted my backpack after first period and dropped it because it hit a bruise on my arm. Sam S. felt sorry for me so he carried it two rooms down to second period.

I can here zaboomafoo in the other room. I love the Kratt brothers, you have no idea.

I hate soccer. I hate it so much. During soccer I don't get along with the team, or the coach. I don't do team sports. I mentally can't deal with the win or lose not coming completely from me. I have to freak out because of my failures not my teams. Anywise I just sit on the bench while Aja makes out with the pole to impress Dave.

Passover was brilliant.

I have this really bad habit lately of when I know something is right I agree saying "Seriously, I know, for real." Really quickly

Finally we had passover at the house which means my dad was leading it which means fun. Actually the whole day was fun. In the morning I did service over at the Rescue Mission in Durham which was actually really nice. Later Matt came back to the house and we went with my father to rent the chairs from the "Best Rental" place around the corner. The woman behind the desk was giving my dad stuff to sign while Matt and I stood back discussing Christmas. The woman asked my dad who we were, and my dad told her that we were his daughter and a friend of hers.
"I have a daughter" The woman said "And she's not having any 'friends' until she's 30."
My dad laughed. I grinned at Matt.
But she doesn't stop there... instead says "yes, I had her when I was 18. That's me a dummy" She stands up and points to herself. "I'm a walking advertisement for birth control" She sighs, mumbles a little more about it to my dad then looks up "Pull the car around the back..."

When we get outside my dad laughs and starts talking about her. The garage door in front of us opens and she's standing behind it. We go quiet quickly.

Later Matt and I walk to ninth street because he's never been. We tie my dog up on the fire hose which I think is illigil. What can I say, we like to rebel. I quickly lost Matt to a biology book of all things. I kept asking him as we were sitting downstairs in the regulator ... are you serious? He would nod and point to a cell telling me that was his favorite type of something. It wasn't boring, i'm a dork too actually I thought it was really cool, but definitely not as cool as he did. We came home and helped set up for the night. I showed Matt my movie for school and I mentioned Nate and spanish. Matt kind of gave me a look and i was like No me and Nate aren't anything. Matt says playing in the rain? I laughed. So he did pay attention when he read my blog. That wasn't like that, I said and dropped the subject.

When the Bryces and Otis' family did come I can admit the three of us fencers sitting on the steps was a little non-including though we invited Nina to come sit but she politely refused. This year we got to use the hagadas (books) that my grandmother Ellen wrote twenty years ago. It was a lot nicer to have something that was the families. We quickly ran through the glasses of wine and the four questions. Which Nina, Elena, and I had to sing... ugh. Passover is always nice. Even last year which was the most hellish four hours of my life I will remember forever. Nina and I always get tipsy, always eat to much, always argue at least once. Passover is the solid part of my year where I know for a few hours the whole family will pretend to care about religion, dad and Sarah will argue, my little brothers will burst in to tears, and my dad will make the sound effects for Hadgadya.

We had new energy this year, a lot of non jewish people added to it. Someone who hadn't done it every year was needed.

As always the seder started out with my dad breaking the middle matzah explaining the affikomin. "Were all going to take a bight of this to start."
"Not that one," Sarah says. I actually think she is right and my dads wrong but on orders from my dad i'm supposed to stick up for him when the women get bossy. I hide in my chair hoping he's forgotten this promise.
The half argue for half a minute. My dad then sighs and says "Well if their wasn't something wrong with it we wouldn't be jewish would we."

The night was really fun.

Last night, Tuesday I fell asleep with my Rolling Stone Album guide on top of me while watching a Bruce concert. My contacts were in when i woke up this morning.

Oh! look what I found....here

And these entertained me endlessly today here

I've been so busy and confused. I felt so disconnected today and Mariah told me that i'm always out of it but that's part of my charm. Great. I don't think that's true is it? I guess I should collapse back in to my depressing existence of text messaging Joe on my cell phone until i go to bed. Or maybe I wont reply and go straight to bed. I wish I was going to sectionals this weekend! Damn it.
Though tomorrow won't be that bad. I think my good mood might last, which is a relief. I really don't want to talk about me lately though. Henry asks me to talk and I keep asking him, no no just let me listen to you for awhile. And I think I'm losing my mind.

Mood

2005-04-21T23:28:00.000-04:00

My bad mood ended during Dance Rehearsal when I was standing in my groups corner waiting to go on. The scenery for a play is behind me, stairs with nothing underneath. The underneath part is covered by a huge piece of black cloth. Its a little taller then me and I have nothing to lean against. Suddenly I trip half over myself and half over air and almost fall through the back curtain but catch myself just in time as Nate watches helplessly attempting to not let me fall.

That's when my bad mood ended.

Also when I was walking out to earth day and Sam R. and Spencer were sitting on the speed bump. Spencer in Ryan's old yellow jacket and he pats the space on the speed bump next to him to signal me to sit down. I shake my head smiling and Anna Ruth dumps an entire bottle of water on my head.

Also tonight when I was attempting to demonstrate to my dad about me almost falling in the curtain in the middle of the parking lot of South Point. Instead I almost actually tripped and fell in the road.

Or Maybe it was the phone message left by Sam and Joe that I find on my cell phone after soccer. That I listened to laughing on my porch as my parents called me to the car to drive to dinner.

And, lying with Jeramie and Georgia in the wet grass with the sprinklers randomly talking... or the breast milk pump that Dlyan used on himself

Or finding out I have a song waiting for me.

And maybe just maybe what really ended it was sitting at my kitchen table with a washed bowl of strawberries and Nina. Just talking and eating as always.

20 Questions

2005-04-20T17:40:00.000-04:00

That was yesterday.

This and yesterdays entry used to be only one but i feel guilty for publishing four pages all at once. This is only three now.

I've calmed down a bit

So Matt Bantering as I promised. ;)
*sigh*
Fencing is great
Yeah, haha, yeah. I guess i'm talking about yesterday now.
I was fine for awhile. Well Matt was being great. Really, really great. Which kind of sucks because then I miss him more over the week. No, kidding, its great, I love it. Well the coaches are slowly starting to catch on to us flirting continuously. A few many comments were made. Even when I thought we were being pretty good. But I guess not. :) Subtleness is not our strong point. Evon would make a comment and Matt would put his arm around me so she would notice, and maybe I didn't want his arm to move so I kind of would stand there as she rolled her eyes. Yeah, the energy at fencing is different. Suddenly i'm let out of my little hole in the wall at CFS and am on my own. I have to fend for myself and I love that. So, lets see now I feel terrible because Matt was being really sweet and I wasn't responding that much. You know, the small things... wanting to be my partner for some drill, waiting for me at the water fountain, definitely paying more attention to me then the new ninth grade girl who came.

All day no one had listened to me. Actually for the past three days no one had actually listened. Maybe Matt didn't actually listen, and if he wasn't he was good at pretending because, finally someone was willing for me to say to them... This is what's going on, listen for a second. For once someone doesn't blow me off when I tell them my parents got in a fight, or i'm not okay. I'm fine now and writing it seems trivial, but I was upset last night, for some reason that honestly doesn't matter much. But then it did and one person was willing enough to actually stop his story half way through to listen for a minute. Then of course I actually do love hearing about ryan's new issue, or Jon's.

And on top of all that damn does he look hot when he gets sweaty.

I half apologized later for my bad mood which he denied me being in and that whole conversation *cough* *cough* kind of ended with me hitting his tooth on accident. Hehe, good times.
Sorry Matt
My shortness is a weakness what can I say.

Joe wasn't here so instead this girl subbed in. Sadly enough everyone teaches us better than Joe. Well I beat Pierce 3-2 and Matt only beat me 3-2 which means I can't be THAT bad. Then Josh who is great, said I did really well and I only got hit by him a few times. See, my problem is, and always has been that I know what i'm doing wrong. I'm just not doing it right.

AND! Guess what I just did! I ordered fencing equipment at triplette. YES!!!! So by tuesday Rebecca is going to have fencing stuff. Which means I don't have to use the shitty ones at the gym anymore.

Sam told me two days ago that I have to shut up about fencing and "no body cares."

Psha

Fencing is super, so last night my day got a little better.

Today was the epitome of Friends School. I spent the entire day with Spencer H. walking aimlessly around the school being lost and not doing what we were supposed to.

The problem with my school as I have brought up before is, not only is it a communist country, the kids, when they don't have to do something don't do it. Today NC state took over while our regular teachers had day long conferences which later Mig described after I asked her how it was. "A six hour conference on language arts, yeah, it was long."

Spencer is still madly in love with Jeramie and spends most of his time telling me to hook them up. Though I did make him play twenty questions with me and he couldn't guess my pom-pon ball one which I was very proud of. Then again I couldn't guess Violin, so were even. Spencer's that kid that in the center the other day we were waiting for a slideshow to go up and he yells, pushing Connor (who evidently my friends and I got Joe to kind of beat up after he pushed Patrick down and made him cry) over, "SHUT THE FUCK UP" Everyone gets silent. Of course that's also me who says fuck kind of quietly to Jeramie at the same time as all the younger kids and our hippie student-teacher from NCSU get quiet. Today was the day that while we were walking around attempting to find orange things (Long story, it was our color) the yellow team sat out on the structures getting read to by some other student (who evidently had gotten mad at Georgia, Jeramie, Sam, and me because we were lying on the couches in Robert's room instead of picking up pizza in the center though no one was but she just assumed if we saw half a pizza lying in the middle of the room we should pick it up.) read to them about a catepiller. Grace, Colin, and Thomas all mouth to me across the stream. Were out in the woods remember. "Save us, please, help us somehow please, please, help us. Get us out of here." I looked at them sadly sighed, mouthed "I'm sorry! I wish there was something I could do," Then left, sadly looking back at my tortured peers, following the student teachers and the group of little kids in my group to find more orange things which we actually never found. Later Thomas told me I should have picked up a rock and thrown it to knock her out. I told him I would have if their was any good rocks lying around. I don't think he got that I was kidding.

When you have 141 kids who really don't HAVE to be anywhere or do anything the activities that these hopefuls students think are going to work don't. I felt so bad for these hopefuls teachers, we all paid no attention in the morning, ran off somewhere in the afternoon and barely got it together to stay in one place for settling out. Though in the end I think one of our two guys, the non hippie one was warming up to me as he let me look at his Best of National Geographic Photos book. Though he wanted to show off all the animal pictures while I spent my time in the human section. He was a nice guy though and I hoped we hadn't given him to much hell.

Georgia and Dru weren't exactly mean to me today, they were just absent, not there, i wasn't connected. And at least Georgia recognized my existence and I had a fun time talking about fencing with her and Sam. She turns to me while he's next to her and says, "Tell me as if its just me, he wont care." So I did, and Sam kind of gasped once then Georgia flicked him which was nice and I continued with my story. Surprisingly enough Sam didn't say anything. Maybe he realized were better at come backs then he thinks. A week ago, Georgia, Molli and Me were all in Rachel's room and Sam comes in. Slowly the conversation got on the subject of Matt, Sam said something and Georgia turns to him and says, "Well, Matt has her." She paused, "And you don't so..."

sweet

I thanked Georgia profusely for this one. Dru won't really recognize my existence or talk to me, so i've just given up. Instead i'll go inside and listen to James Taylor and Rusted root that Ryan is blasting out and dancing to in the center. Banners will be up from the small art thing we had done this morning. The teachers are gone but instead timid young people hang around the sidelines. We referee ourselves today, and suddenly the absence of Ida telling us to throw away our plastic bags means we don't. Aja jumps on the CD player demanding that this hippie music stops. The air conditioning died a few degrees ago, Sam R. is wrapping himself up with purple streamers, Nate M. is messing with the glitter glue that Sam had put on his shirt. Georgia adjusts her skirt and smiles knowingly at Sam S. They have secrets. Jeramie points to Spencer and makes a choking motion. I attempt to mouth something to Molli who is sitting on her stomach in front of me. She doesn't get it and instead mouths I love you! To me, I give up and mouth back, I love you too. Dru isn't anywhere. Usually someone I can always find she's absent. Ryan is taller and louder then everyone and I can hear him all the way across the room. His striped sweater contrasts against the tiny Zuri who's wearing black. Nate V. is next to them and he sits, smiling in that way he always does. Earlier Sam and I had been doing this exact thing with the video camera. We would zoom in to one person who had no idea that we were recording them. Of course with Sam's obsession the camera was mostly on Georgia. She looked fine, nothing bad was said about her, but you could catch that one second when she hears someone say something and turns. She looks surprised. Or Sam S. when we focused on him messing with his hair, and giving Ryan a huge slap on the back. I want to watch that tape again, just to see if people are different when they don't know your watching.

Its almost settling out but the lights aren't out quite yet. I sigh and sit back in my chair. I turn to Spencer who's around near me... "Okay, so, you don't have one, its wood and bigger then a bread box."
"Wait, how big is a bread box again?"

Nighthawks

2005-04-19T23:02:00.000-04:00

My parents can be super cool once in awhile....

I get home from fencing tonight and end up sitting with my mom listening to Lisa Loeb... my dad walks in and hands me three (!) used cd's he bought me. The stuff that he says were most important when he was around my age. Which means Rebecca now has John Lennon - Shaved Fish
Paul Simon - Still Crazy after all these years
and Tom Waits - Nighthawks at the diner

And thanks so my dear Sand I have three other cd's she burned me... the I Heart Huckabee's soundtrack, Aquaduct, and the final and last Brendan Benson, One Mississippi. Yay.

Have you seen I Heart Huckabees? Its not a very good movie, though. Well, if you've seen it you've watched the first scene when Jason Shwartzman is walking to the rock to give his rock poem. If you've watched it you know the first few minutes of the movie. Yeah, that was what today was like.

This Brendan Benson song is stuck in my head as it has been all day. Um yeah i've been in a continues bad mood since Sunday afternoon I think.

Fuck.

I forgot to mention people on my fourth year page. Including Hannah and Samantha... oops. All the people I forgot I completely did on accident. Well supposedly Samantha 'definitely noticed' that i didn't mention her. Which I feel bad about, but honestly have I talked to her this entire year? The last real conversation I remember having with her was in the bus on the way to basketball when she was dealing with Sam R. problems. Of course at that time I had the biggest crush on her boy friend but I attempted to be helpful. So i'm sorry if I didn't mention you, I am so so sorry. And I will make it up to you somehow if you care. Oh! that reminds me... I added a 'Blogs I Read' list over on the left. If you want to be added either a) Link me from your blog or b) Give me your address. I read a lot more blogs then posted (Dylan's, Joe's, grace's, rebecca's) but the addresses aren't on the top of my head. So yeah just leave me a comment with your address and i'll add you.

I'm still sick. Nothing really is that bad, i'm just in one of those moods when everything is terrible and everything is going wrong. You know? I shouldn't be complaining should I? Nothing is actually going wrong. Georgia's mad at me. I don't know why... that added to my shitty day. Honestly its gotten to the point that at lunch I hang out with her and today her and Dru were acting tight and for some reason I couldn't be with them. So I kind of sat their awkwardly until 12:30 when I had to go dance because I was sick on Sunday and Annie basically told me I sucked. Which was fine I guess because I hate that class but still. I thought I wasn't that uncoordinated. Its gotten to this weird point were me and Georgia, we fight over guys a little, though a lot less then what people think, and we fight over Dru's affection. Right now, Georgia's winning, by a lot. Henry even noticed... Henry noticed I haven't been talking to Dru that much lately. We were washing something out of the quaker dome (yes, the quaker dome) and she was completely ignoring me. I was following her around, from this spot, to this spot, to this spot. I hate the positions when you're following someone around and you feel vulnerable and weak. Break sucked because of the Georgia-Dru dynamic of them ganging up on me like they always do. Okay I sound desperate, but its true. So I ask Georgia "Are you mad at me?" and Georgia gets mad and is like don't ask me that, that's so annoying ... "I was annoyed with you but i'm not anymore."
Me: What? Why were you annoyed
Her: I don't want to tell you
Me: What? Fine Whatever
Her: I'm not anymore but I was
Me: What? okay

Then to top it off tomorrow the fucking school is having this fucking thing that sucks. Haha I just read that sentence. Yes I make a lot of sense. Basically advisee groups are paired and OH! guess who we are paired with, Debbie's group. Which means the most annoying kids in the school. Oh and Leon and Rachel's group are together ha which means Dru and Georgia. Which means Georgia is going to beat me by a lot on this one. I honestly don't know what i've been doing. Well whatever i'll hang out with Spencer and Jeramie. Then in seventh period I exploded telling to the entire class and the substitute that "Why is everyone being so defensive?? Dammit! Fuck, why is it so hot in here?" Then I got up and left our STD video and went to go get some water until Sam S. came up and kind of gave me a hug and was like "Hey, i'm sorry." And then he was really sweet and I felt really bad for getting mad.

Its so hot in my room right now...

Petroleum

2005-04-17T18:12:00.000-04:00

"Jesus is never mad at us if we live with Him in our hearts!"
"I hate to break it to you, but He is - He most definitely is."

"Have you ever transcended space and time? "
"Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need."

"What are you doing tomorrow?"
"I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?"
"What time? "
"Mmm... one, one-thirty. "
"Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains? "
"We always do."

Stereotypically

2005-04-15T23:33:00.000-04:00

Its Exactly 10:01. For the first time in a very long time I haven't closed my blinds after it got dark. They are still open and our neighbors could easily watch my tired form lying against a pillow next to the side of her bed typing franticly on a mac. They don't see me though, not only do they not look they don't want to. As much fun as it is to spy on someone peeking to deep in to someone's life even makes you feel exposed.

I started biting my finger nails again. For awhile a small period of time I stopped, determined not to become my mother. I've started again and slowly my range of biting just the nails has reached the cuticles and I sit long periods of time pulling the small shreds off my skin until it bleeds. The red droplets forming on the edges of my fingers. My fingers ache with hangnails and ripped skin. Its an addiction.

I'm actually in a fine mood.

Seriously

My throat hurts and so do my eyes, and my stomach, and head. They started hurting the minute I walked in the door from advisee outing. Talking about our outing! Jeramie my coolest red-haired friend wrote about the outing on her blog and it mentions me quite a bit. You guys should check it out, she's an amazing writer. Her Blog

Basically i'm reading fight club. If you haven't seen it, see it. If you haven't read it, read it. After you've done that come talk to me.

My dad is still fighting for me to see this Russian movie Soloris with him. My parents have decided that I neglect them now and spend to much time doing other things. This is completely true of course so i'm slowly attempting to pretend to hang out with them. Tonight I sat their for two hours watching the incredible with everyone plus Wyatt and Cindy. The couch was completely full so I had to sit on the floor. My throat hurts even more now. Damn my parents who are putting to bed their other children and haven't gotten me Tylono yet... never mind, as I am typing this my dad is handing me two Motrins. Super.

I just realized I haven't gotten the hiccups in a very very very long time.

And my mom has just come in to tell me that as I am not feeling well I should go to bed soon. I tell her that i'm not talking to people online and this is my blog and doesn't count. She says that it doesn't matter either way I have to go to bed. I nod and say I understand.

So, commenting guys? As I know of a few people actually take the time to read this blog. For sure I know of five people who read it regularly and I think maybe once in awhile its even more. I would really appreciate more than one person dropping a hello or, I don't know a comment? Something to respond to? A question, an idea, something about their lives? Break out of the ordinary leave me a message, i'd appreciate it. Like Sandi commenting. Perfect example of someone who I wouldn't think would comment commenting. And you know what? It was really nice to see.

Advisee outing happened. Our group consists of 8 people. 6 girls 2 boys.

I just remembered Grandma's coming next week. And two days of classes!

We rented a van for twelve people. Jasmine and Layla sat in the way back, the next was Anna Ruth, Jeramie in the middle, and Maxine. Then Spencer, me, and Randy. I of course tried to find the prime seat for the music dicission, so I sat in the front middle. I even kind of had foot rests if I moved the right way. The car ride was super. We played music and talked, other music and talked. By the end Spencer and I just chatted about music and people and things. Mostly about Jeramie though... Layla was sitting in the way back listening to Destiny's child and responding to something Jasmine had said. He turns to me and whispers in my ear "Isn't it amazing how stereotypically black they are?" I couldn't stop laughing until we got to the boat house.
I refused to play Jeramie's music and Jeramie responded with a "You can't always get what you want."
Spencer responds with a "but if you try sometimes you might just find, you get what you need." We repeated that line a few more times before sticking the cd in as Spencer yells, "This song will prove my point ! Just listen just listen!" The last fifteen minutes of the trip we listen to You Can't Always Get What You Want until we can't stand it anymore and we feel like our point has been made.

The boat house is beautiful. I realized now i've been three different times. A new dock has been added since I last went in November but as its been raining the dock is partially underwater. I don't mind getting my shoes wet so I jump on it dragging Maxine and Anna Ruth with me. A metal Bench sits on wooden dock looking out at the Pamlico sound and we sit on it. I have the other girls on each of my sides and I am the only warm one. I talked about something, and I was happy that for once someone actually wanted to hear what I was saying. We sat and talked, then Jeramie joined us, and Layla and Jasmine and we all sat their for awhile talking about people until we decided we were cold and ran inside. Inside was not much different as we all jumped on Migs huge brown couch and ended up squished on there. Its a three person couch, but six can fit if we become really small and all eight can fit if I lay on top of three people. I'm lying in Anna Ruth's lap and were all just talking and talking. Spencer wont shut up as he's lying on the spare bed which is in the main room with the couch. He's quoting Sienfeld episodes then he stops. He pats the space in the bed next to him. "If a girl doesn't sit here right now then this isn't America." No one moves. "What? This isn't America or something this is like Germany or Jamaica." I promise you he did not shut up for two hours. Burrito's are soon eaten and then its 8:03. *sigh* Thursday night, 8 o'clock. I ended up finding FOX on the tiny TV. So what if the picture was basically tiny colored dots, so what if the sound was crackling. When it started to work I freaked out and kind of danced around the room for a second. After that no one wanted to crush my enthusiasm so no one didn't watch. Which was probably the nicest thing they could do. They all shut up and watched my obsession with me. If that's not friendship then what is. By the way it is quite a good episode though I could barely hear it as I spent most of the hour trying to fix the antenna's.

Then we walked in the dark to the neighbors property. We stood on a dock for a second looking at the stars. Then everyone leaves except me, Jeramie, Spencer and Randy. Were standing right by the water, the sky is bright enough to kind of see, and Randy leans against a nearby tree. Jeramie and I stand next to each other looking out on the water. If you close your eyes you don't feel like your standing on land anymore. Spencer comes up behind us, gives up after we don't respond to his attempt to talk. For the first time all day I am serious "Hey Spencer, Do you think you could be quiet for .... two minutes? Maybe three if you work really hard." And he shuts up, he actually shuts up. We stand their for awhile. Jeramie turns to me. "Wouldn't it be funny if someone came up and killed us right now."
"Yep, " I say "I would laugh really hard."
"Well, its best to die laughing isn't it."
"True that." I say and look up at the sky. "True that my friend."

We end up sitting on the bench out there for awhile. Not talking, just sitting. Spencer tries to put his arm around Jeramie and for once she lets him. Randy is still, no one wants to move.

Later after smores its only us four again. Chocolate has been eaten, Spencer's ghost story about some guy that no one actually was listening to is over. Mig looks really happy. The wind bites and i'm freezing. Randy has his own chair and hes fiddling with a huge stick that's charred from the fire. I'm curled up on the chair as small as i can go. A few minutes earlier Jeramie had told me i'm the smallest person ever in response to the way I curled in to a ball. I'm freezing but I don't want to go in. Jeramie and Spencer are sharing a seat. This wasn't Jeramie's choice, but were making jokes about it all the same. I start thinking about something unrelated to the outing. The other three and Mig are talking around me. I'm to disconnected to join in. Once in awhile I make my comment but then i'm back to staring at the small flames licking underneath the bottom of the grill. I ask Spencer why he's in love with Jeramie and not me. He responds telling me that he likes his girls taller then him. Me and Randy scoff. When the fire finally dies we go inside to watch zoolander. I fall asleep curled up in another chair after the Gas fight scene. That is the best part.

The Car ride home was uneventful. Stairway to Heaven was played maybe four times in the car. Its stuck in my head now I also finally had my conversation about the wave of posers who think they know Hendrix and Led Zeppelin with Spencer. It was actually a really great conversation. When I said that Hendrix wasn't as great as Bob Dylan Spencer disagrees and says... "But he's dead. You can't be mean to dead people, you have to be nice and say that all dead people are the best."
"Well," I say, "Hitler's dead and no ones nice to him."

I thought this was hysterically funny.

It was really fun. I still can't get stairway to heaven out of my head.

Its 11:33 right now. Damn I hate how time goes by so fast.

Exactly

2005-04-13T19:52:00.000-04:00

Exactly,

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/sdtk/oc/music-from-the-oc-mix-4.shtml

Maybe

2005-04-12T23:39:00.000-04:00

Its one of those nights where I'm cold and its wet outside. The few cars that do drive by at 10:30 make deep sounds in the water lightly covering the road. I haven't listened to James Taylor in awhile. I just shivered, I'm listening to him now. My emotions got out of wack on sunday night. I was talking to someone, late, and before I knew it I wanted to cry. Not actually I just wanted to let something out. I don't know what, I don't know why and i'm still trying to figure it out. I hope the reader of this entry understands how I want it to be read. I hope the readers of all these entries understand how its meant to be said. If you know me it shouldn't be that hard. I get quieter when i'm serious and I end up reading what i'm writing out loud to my room to make sure its right. But you guys can't hear exactly how i'm saying it, which maybe, i hope you don't need.

I think i'm becoming more subconscious about how I sound. I don't know how people see me but i'm usually never that in the end. Or scratch that, that's cliché of course, fine, maybe I put everything out in the open. Maybe this is who I am actually, does this comfort me or terrify me to no end? I don't know. Its as simple as that. I used to live in memories. I've told you that before. I don't want to talk about it again. I've gotten a lot better about not talking lately. Suddenly everything that happens isn't that important to share. I surprised Georgia the other day by not telling her every detail of a conversation I had with Sam. It wasn't that anything important was said. If their was of course I would tell her, more like I just didn't want to share. It wasn't necessary to talk and for one of the first times I really didn't want to. Thetas how its been for awhile, I don't misuse the power of people trusting me enough to tell me. I've had to gain that trust back honestly and now that I have it i'm not going to fuck it up. I'm disappointed at how little i've written because its really hard for me to write all of this. Maybe because its late or maybe because i'm writing every sentence slowly. Once I stop talking about my friends I have to think, thinking is really good right now.

"I want to stop and thank you baby... how sweet it is to be loved by you... your so fine... how sweet it is to be loved by you...."

Kristie... haha man that tape of James Taylors greatest hits. She left when I was seven meaning I loved that tape ... when i was five. James Taylor's greatest hits on tape and Grease. My two Kristie things from when I didn't know what would happen next.

But see i'm self councous because I care to much. I'm self councous because I know what people say about other people and I don't want to be in that other people category. I attempted to cover this up though today during lunch. It was a small group of us supposedly meeting about the Literary Magazine. Nate M. didn't show of course and he for some reason was the reason we were having this meeting. I was a little late but I hadn't been missed. Kirsten sat in the corner with her rice and pork, she looked so comfortable so I came and sat right next to her maybe hoping I could share her pillow. Hannah was at the computer with Philip talking about something. I ended up starting a conversation with Kirsten for awhile about her lunch and dinner or something. I ignored David who I hadn't noticed as I walked in. He hides well, he was kind of sitting their all by himself on one wall. Somehow the conversation came back to Lucious (sam's brother if you don't know. Senior hot, hot hot senior) because Kirsten thought he was hot or something. I didn't know this so I kind of half sit up excited and say something along the lines of "Oh My God! You think he's hot! Like me and Georgia stalk him, more like Georgia but I help! Oh my god i've been in his room! I've been in his room!" Okay so I admit it wasn't very intelligent. And I hesitatingly admit that my strings of... oh my god isn't he hot have you seen his hair.... didn't end there. We continued with our conversation for awhile but by this time Hannah is standing a few feet away from us. Philip has followed her and they laugh. I look up, Spencer's glasses fall off my head where they have been since break. "What?" I ask
Hannah laughs and goes "Do you know how dumb you sound.".It wasn't funny, it was supposed to make me feel inferior and stupid.
Suddenly i'm mad. "Oh," I say, "Yeah I know but I don't care because I don't THINK anyone in this room is judging me by the way that i'm acting right now because usually I act a lot more intelligent and if you judge me on the way i'm being now, then that's your problem"

Yay

I didn't get to see Hannah's reaction because I turned back to Kirsten and said "So yeah Lucious is really hot."

Don't fucking judge people on everything. People make mistakes, and hey I had an awesomely fun conversation with Kirsten about how Lucias' bleached hair is beautiful. And I made a comeback that i'm super proud of (first time ever!). I was proud, and now I think i'm going to listen to James a little more...

I enjoy fencing quite a lot.

"maybe you can believe it if it helps you sleep but singing works just fine for you so goodnight moonlight ladies rockabye sweet baby james... deep greens and blues are the colors i choose... why don't you let me go down in my dreams and rockabye sweet baby james...

List

2005-04-12T22:39:00.000-04:00

So, I have a story. A few actually, all of them ones that I've been meaning to write about ... first though let me explain what I am about to do. I am going to make a list for many reasons. First.... my Shayna wrote a list on her blog and of course i got supremely jealous and wanted to make one myself. So really she gets all the credit. Also I stole one from her, but actually its been at the top of my list for awhile and I was pleasantly surprised to see she had it on their too.Secondly about half a year ago I made a list for Michael that I emailed him of The Top 20 things I love at this moment minus people of course. This I realize has changed a lot since I last wrote it. So a new installment is being made. I haven't thought hard about it. Its what I love right now In this moment as I'm writing this. In twenty minutes everything will probably change, you never know with me.

1. Being Loved
2. Fencing
3. The Dark
4. Music... all of it, whatever I need then.
5. Rain
6. OC
7. To start walking up and not know how far your going to go or when your going to turn around.
8. Memories
9. Lighting a few peoples fires
10. Passover
11. Peoples distinct smells
12. Defending Courtney Love
13. This Blog
14. The New Weezer CD!
15. Spencer's Glasses
16. Ah my James Taylor of course
17. Finding free songs online
18. Feeling like I am finally cool enough to like Bob Dylan
19. Making our Math Teacher laugh
20. Getting Older
21. Being Cold
22. Complaining about Fifth Period
23. Telling people that "My dad got hit by a car!" In a really urgent scary way to make them ask all about it.
24. Late Night Text Messages from Sandi
25. Being so happy for one moment you realize you never want to leave.

Sunday

2005-04-10T23:00:00.000-04:00

My brother spent five hours at a Yugio tournement today, I didn't get out of my pajama's until six, my mom left to go on her first of three trips in the next week, and my dad got hit by a car.

Joy

Kurt

2005-04-09T21:59:00.000-04:00

Um Britney Spears is my hero.... along with Courtney Love its a female rocking out sort of day.

I get woken up from this dream where i'm sitting in this balcony watching Shrek 2 and its really loud and I keep getting like blown by the wind and almost falling out of the balcony. I have a weird attachment to rain. It's been raining at all the perfect t moments. But as I like to do a lot I have interrupted myself interrupting myself. I was woken up by this body jumping on top of me and pressing her face next to mine. "Rebecca wake uuup were going to go get coffee." Nina of course sits up in my bed, shakes me more awake and jumps out of bed. "Get dressed," I sit up and we talk for awhile in my room as I mosey around getting dressed.

oh god... remind me in a second to talk about Kurt Cobain...

We talked for awhile then walked to ninth street where we tried Bean Traders and glared behind the counter at the organization and lack of Mark. The coffee was a lot better and we sat their feeling like traitors as we sipped our amazing blended iced coffee's and played Gin at the exact table we had a month before. Eliza joined us later and we spent 5 hours walking, and sitting around talking, first at frencescas, then eckerd,then Regulator, then Blue Corn, then back at Bean Traders where the people behind the counter yelled as we were walking down the stairs to go to the bathroom, "You guys are going to have to start paying Rent." Well they better fucking get used to us as us three spend most of our life in there.

I had fun....us three together is actually really great. We're philosophical and that's fun.

Ok Kurt Cobain was not killed by Courtney Love and I stand strong on my opinion no matter what. Though many have attempted to sway me on this idea. The first one being Matt who bought the Nirvana CD and while we were listening to it says it would be awesome to see them live if Courtney hadn't killed him. This is while making cookies that mind you we put in two eggs instead of one turning them in to, well, tar. Then Today I get online and have this conversation with joe....

ACE OF ANGELS 72:who says i'm overdosing
ACE OF ANGELS 72:Maybe Courtney love will murder me and make it look like suicide.

How weird is that, is this all that people think about? I mean seriously I spent half of last night joking about this.

Jamestaylorfan14:NOOOOOOOO!
Jamestaylorfan14: SHE DID NOT FUCKING KILL HIM
ACE OF ANGELS 72:pff
ACE OF ANGELS 72: the bitch did it

this conversation went on for awhile longer... until I am declared defeated.

Damn...

My brother just walked in my room without knocking and scared the shit out of me. I had another huge discussion about my brother with my parents today. I've been thinking, he's a huge part of my life. Not in the sense that he is their but in the way he is disengaged, do you know what I mean? He is important because of his absence. It just happens that whenever I'm home he's in his room or at Wyatt or playing Halo obsessively. This lack of socialness... leads to us not being the kindest to each other. This leads to big talks with my parents about how I have to work on being kind... these things I can't write about on here. I know he wont read it but some things I don't want to talk about in that much detail. I love him more than anything, he's my little red-haired nine year old brother but he shouldn't have to be talked about on here. His shit stays in our family, only I can bring my problems out.

Matt claims I don't talk much about him on here ;) I do though, kind of. I think I more just imply things then actually say anything directly. Some good things I get to keep to myself.

"Don't call me fat you fucking jew"
"Eric did you just say the f-word?"
"Jew?"

"If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe."
"What's a dying giraffe sound like?"
"WUUUUUaahhh! WUUUaaaaaaahhhhh!"

"Hey Alec, you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?"
"No, what?"
"Nothing!"

the link's been freaking out... its supposed to go to www.justiceforkurt.com try to paste it in.

Death Valley

2005-04-07T20:17:00.000-04:00

The view from the hotel at OC!

Me, bitching before driving out of palm springs to Joshua tree...

The dune Buggies

Death valley in a salt lake... wearing the same clothes i didnt change out of for three days... yes! On this salt bed I kept asking my dad if I could taste it, I insisted he taste it first just to make sure that it was salt, not anything else. He takes a tiny bit and spits it out. "Yeah, its fine just don't swallow it okay?" I take a tiny bit and put it in my mouth before spitting it out everywhere. "Um?" ... He asks. "I didn't actually think it would taste like salt." I said drinking as much as i can from my nalgene.

Soccer

2005-04-06T23:08:00.000-04:00

Its that time of year again where suddenly no one is paying any attention to anything except the gossip and themselves. I took my dog on a walk today down to Ooh La Latte, I was attempting to go to the coffee bean or something like that but the NCSSM students scared me because they were walking in groups to ninth street. Instead I turned off on Englewood and went to the Untidy and Ooh La... The guy who always works there was working. Somehow nina had known him before, we talked all about his story one summer day when we walked down there. This little blond girl was sitting at the counter, she must have been about four or five. She had perfect blonde hair and she stood on the chair instead of sitting. I know who her mom is, this is the girl who goes to all the concerts and sits in the back with a sticker book. She's the girl who's mom has long pink hair but is as sweet as can be. This is the girl who spends all her time listening to rock music and hanging out at a coffee shop with pink and black pokadot walls. I always wanted to be this girl. The other girl who works at Latte doesn't look any older than seventeen so either she dropped out of school or is older than I think. I'm jealous of her hair cut and then feel bad when that's the first thing I think about when I walk in to the shop. She's eating a bagel and playing with the little blond hair girl. They look so happy together, the little girl laughs "You don't live alone!"
"No I don't, I have a cat,"
"You don't live alone you have a cat!" the little girl cracks up hysterically and the bagel girl can't stop smiling. I stepped back waiting in line and it was one of those things were suddenly I wanted to be either of them. The little five year old, or that girl who ends up working in a coffee shop on broad street her whole life. Either of them would work perfectly for me. Suddenly I stood in the middle of the shop feeling really lame. I played with the stickers they had on the counter thinking that would make my life seem like it had a point. But still I kept watching the two out of the corner of my eye. The blonde girl left a few minutes later with her mom who took her hand and smiled back at the girl still sitting at the counter. The little one waved and I smiled at her then left with my iced chai to walk back to my utterly lame existence.

I love to fence. I wore my fencing shirt today with my black skirt and Nate turns to me during hellishly long fifth period. "Is that your fencing shirt?" Yes, I told him, and he smiled sympathetically. Josh who teaches my private lessons is wonderful, besides the fact that I can barely pay attention because its nine o clock and i'm tired. He finally drilled it in my head to lunge instead of advance which for some reason is difficult for me resulting in me not getting away fast enough which means a poke in the face which is kind of scary if you don't expect it. Except when I really started to try I did well.

"... everyday she wears the same thing i think she smokes pot..."

I just learned my Epee teachers name last night though. After what 4 months with him I realized it's Joe. A few weeks ago I told him I would remember his name finally. I woke up this morning and I remembered meaning I think I know it now. My bad hearing came back too I think and now the only times I can't hear what he's saying is when me and Matt are poking each other. Hehe um me and Matt fencing doesn't work besides him lunging at me and beating me up and us cracking up hysterically at something completely dumb the other one did. Joe kept rolling his eyes at us as we weren't doing the drill at all. We did it once in the end after laughing for awhile, then as we were showing Joe we could do it right Matt taps his foot which is a move called like p.. something and then does the drill. And he says, "Because when I tap my foot suddenly she walks in to my blade and I hit her." Or something like that. It was dumb. We couldn't stop laughing. Joe pretended to ignore it.

Today my father let us sleep in yesss (said in napoleon dynamite way) We're having third period in the gym to do the worksheets on our learning centers and I walked in and got started. Mollie yells for me, "Rebecca your here!" I went and found her sitting on the couch pretending to work with Maxine. I talked to her for a second before Sam S. yells "Rebecca?!? Do I hear Rebecca? Is Rebecca here?!?" I turn to see him with his hands outstretched. I was like "Yeah, hey sam" I give him a hug and he picks me up and kind of twirls me around. "I missed you!" He says
"I don't have any classes with you until third period, I usually don't see you until now any ways," I said half laughing.
"Untrue, I looked for you." He kind of gazes off then returns back to me. "Yeah but your here now"
I ended up hanging out with both Sams doing the worksheets all class. I don't let them copy completely though they beg endlessly. And if you are interesting in the small 'Sam saga' going on now. I am not part of it at all me and Sam just talk about it but I am completely not involved.

Time is still slipping away from me. I think I have so much time but before I know it its Wednesday. Dru told me she likes the dialog on here. That's what i'm known for I guess. Its so hard, I love to sit and watch people and think about long philosophical things to think about and write. I don't usually, but I write what I need to. I am so grateful that my mom hasn't told me to go to bed quite yet I think she's starting to learn I need this. I'm listening to my group of songs that I love so when played on shuffle I never get a song I really dislike.

I'm reading three things right now. I've really started reading again and I forgot how much I love it. Catch-22, To Kill A Mockingbird (for school yet i'm almost done though we are only assigned 10 chapters), and this book called sex, drugs and cocoa puffs. I bet you've heard about it. Its a book full of endless essays by a geeky guy who realized he can't ever actually love anyone. It gets very annoying in parts, its some guy just bitching endlessly about why modern culture has turned him in to an evil person and he loves it. I think most of what he says is brilliant because I can completely agree. Most of the topics he has brought up have been things that I have thought about cynically but could never express without coming across as a well, ass hole. He has an entire chapter on why soccer sucks. Its brilliant. I didn't know anyone else had the loathing for this sport as much as me. Of course I do play it on the team and enjoy it a lot, as I sit on the bench and talk with Grace. Though playing can be fun when Samantha isn't screaming at you, which I understand she has to do as I have no idea what i'm doing. But this entire essay is perfect in my mind ok let me see he says ... I just went downstairs to get the book i felt like I needed you guys to read what he wrote. The reason i picked up this book in the first place was because as I am not the most mature thing in the world I saw the colorful title and the word sex and started to read it in the book store of the LAX airport. I had read about five pages when I guy with square glasses, thin, tall, short black hair, tight jeans, black backpack, and red T-shirt like Seth Cohn wears told me that the book was "really good, slow in some parts but I really enjoyed it." I told him it was really good so far and we talked for about half a minute. After that I felt like I had a duty to finish it. "They won't be satisfied until we're all systematically brainwashed in to thinking soccer is cool and that placing eighth (after poland!) is noble." Doesn't make much sense because you haven't read the book. Well i will happily let you borrow it after my mom reads it. My favorite part is in-between essays he has little mini comments. One is 23 questions I ask everybody I meet in this order to decide If I can really love them. Damn this book is so annoying... ok i'll answer the questions tomorrow and post them on here. Then I want to hear other peoples answers.

My dad got this book about these japanese woman Gysha or something. I sound terrible that I don't know the real name. It doesn't matter. Basically he read this book and wouldn't stop talking about it exclaiming that he didn't know that they weren't prostitutes they were in another class all together and on and on. He told me the same thing about three times, along with my mom. He wants us both to read it and have a 'family book group'. He told us this while we were watching Dora the Explorer with my little brothers. My mom had gotten trashy magazines for me and her, US and Star... we were on both ends of our couch which is kind of shaped like an L. I was on one end her the other. My dad sat in the corner as usual with a baby on both side. We were both deeply emerged in our magazines coming up for air once in awhile to say something like "Look! Brad is all over Jolie!" I would shove the picture in my dads face and my mom would nod. "Brittany's fat mom! she's gotten fat!" My dad would attempt to talk to us at different intervals, did i tell you about the Gysha book? Me and mom would both look at each other, sigh and say as a unit "Yes, many times."
"I'm just so interested," He says "I didn't know they weren't high class prostitutes."
We nod
"I mean its not every day that you learn something new at forty three. You guys have to read it..." He breaks off when he notices we aren't paying attention.
"Awe poor dad... " I say then turn back to my magazine.

Again...

2005-04-03T18:02:00.000-04:00

Rebecca is itching to blog but as Adam told her about three weeks ago that quote "You can achieve perfection and you're close but you just have to work a little harder" I am working on my Berlin Project so hard. Matt just called from fencing and got me out of my working zone... Not like thats bad, I love talking to him mostly when we're both in the kind of moods we were tonight... Then I read Georgia's blog which sinse the time that I hadn't read it got even more wonderfull. And Jeramies, both of which were great and suddenly I can't work anymore. I miss the few people I call when i'm in moods like this... brownies are baking downstairs and my mind is confused about the time. So now I have to go back to my project which i'm scared wont be good enough for Adam because he's the only teacher that I care about what he thinks of me.

Matches

2005-04-03T15:20:00.000-04:00

The second night I made dinner we were staying in the heart of death valley. My dad got these matches that are storm proof which is very cool because they can't blow out until the run down the stick to a certain point. I enjoyed playing with them quite a lot. I light the stove and hold the match in my hand until it burns down. Right after I grap the tip of the match with my right thumb and pointer finger. Its burning and i curse drop the match and my dad laughs. "That wasn't dumb, let me just grab the scortching hot match with my fingers." A few seconds later my skin turns white. I show it to my dad and he laughs, "Wow that thing gave you a second degree burn."

Thats how I am

It was white for a day, then slowly started to fade. I was dissapointed as its a very nice clear reminder of my trip. It came back the nex day, darker and now on my thumb its just a nice indent the width of a match, with a matching one on my other finger. Its a little numb and you can completely tell it was burned. I like it, I want it to scar. Its like a quarter of an inch long, maybe even a little longer, maybe even half an inch.

I'm listening to I Quit- Ben Kweller
Maxwell silvers hammer- Beatles
Subterranean Homesick Blues - Dylan

On repeat just those three.... Berlin is coming along.....

ich liebe....

this girl

2005-04-01T01:34:00.000-05:00

Imagine this... White highlander two people sit in the car.

Starbucks cups litter the floor. Half of which were filled with grande non fat lattes, the other grande non fat caramel mochas. The girl in the passenger side has her feet up on the dashboard. She hopes her father doesn't notice. A JIF crunchy peanut butter jar sits to the girls left. A smuckers strawberry jelly jar is in her hand. The cap is open and as the people in the car lost the bread two hours back she sticks her finger in to the jar and scoops out a nice chunk of strawberry preserve. She turns to her father. "Who knew that eating jelly out of the jar is so super great?" The girl laughs. She's in one of those moods where everything is hysterical. Hundreds of miles on each side of the car with no sign of life. The girl giggles turns to her father, closes the jelly jar and picks up the peanut butter one. She licks her chewed fingernails to get off the last of the jelly. Her father laughs and sighs leaning against his seat. The girl messes with the radio for awhile before finding nothing but static. She turns to stare out the window and the next time she looks up ten minutes has passed. She reaches for her new pink Nalgene and takes a few gulps. Her father peels his eyes from the road for a second, "We need to get my phone or stop somewhere so we can call Gloria." The girl looks out the window, "Can't you stop at those call boxes?" Her father laughs, "Those are only for emergencies."
"No way,"
"Yep, what did you think that you could just call whoever you wanted?"
"Yeah I was so excited I loved them."
The father turns, "Free calls! hey it would become a new social scene. Lets drive an hour out of town to go call someone!" He laughs at his own joke. She laughs because there's no reason not to.
"Damn, i'm so disappointed you can't call anyone." She sighs and reaches for the jar of jelly.

Welcome to the last five days

I have so many stories. I could spend pages writing but tonight I can't. I will try but no promises. This might have to be finished tomorrow. My dad keeps asking when i'm going to catch up on my blogging. "Whenever I have time." I keep having to say. I will post pictures whenever I have time. A few turned out really well. We spent hours in the car talking, listening to music. It was the best time to think so just look out the window at the wild flowers and to remember. It was the hour of time standing still that I was hoping for. Now as i'm actually trying to type its hard to explain all of it. I went to the OC which was quite amazing for someone who is as overly insane about the show. LA is very strange. The people their aren't me, they are tall and blonde all of them and boobs as fake as .... cant think of a good simile.

While i'm remembering Shayna wrote about me on her blog, twice. You guys should check out hers ;)

skyblueeyes.blogspot.com

On the plane to LA I sat next to this guy who was wearing these khaki shorts. Long shorts Abercrombie shorts, and he wore a polo shirt but he wasn't preppy. He brought nothing with him on the plane so he spent the entire time listening to the on flight radio. No one was sitting in the middle seat so I put my ipod their hoping he might look at what I was listening to. He never looked. On the way to the hotel Dad and I had this intense talk about the Berlin Wall. That project should be kind of more started tomorrow. :Last thursday was great, I hung out in the real OC what could be better.

Finding REI was quite an adventure wasn't it dad.

The first night we camped out was Saturday night. It was getting late and we were nearing Death Valley. We were both tired and Dad pulls in to the first place he thinks looked cool. Its filled with about six white RV's, children and done buggies. We set up camp and I cook these amazing noodles on our little camping stove. While Dad is trying to show me the constellation capulia but I can't tell if he is talking about the 30, 60, 90, triangle or the 45,45,90 one, fire works go off next to us. I kept turning to my dad, were camping were camping!
Maybe next time, he says, we can get a little farther away from the car.
I shake my head.

The next morning we follow more RV's to this community of Dune Racers. Millions of sand piles and tons of riders. One guy was towing his Hummer, as if the hummer was a back up car. One guy was tired of waiting in line to enter the 'park' he drove straight up a hill. Dad turns to me, we've got a four wheel drive bet we could do that! Barenaked Ladies skips while we bump up the hill as fast as we can. It was very fitting to play BNL while driving around a dune buggy park. I started really having a brilliant time.

Later that day we got out of the car, my nalgene in tow I suddenly start to climb this hill. Its the side of the road just at the entrance to Death Valley. Slwoly I get higher and higher. I suddenly don't want to come down.

Guys, its one thirty and i just fell asleep this will continue later...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NINA!!!

Weezer Single

2005-03-30T02:13:00.000-05:00

I get home and guess whats waiting for me at the itunes music store!!!
Weezers new single :) :) Finally god damn took them long enough

Weezer= my hero

I'll write tons tomorrow or something, don't worry. I haven't stopped thinking about what i'm going to write on here.

leaving

2005-03-23T22:17:00.000-05:00

I will see you when I return...

Oh Yoko... in the middle of the night I call your name... Oh Yoko...Oh Yoko.. My love will turn you on...

Math Class Tribute

2005-03-20T01:36:00.000-05:00

So guess where I am.

Its not that hard. I'm in my bed with the lights off again. Except i'm listening to James tonight... *Sigh* Fire and Rain is my third most played song, after the Shins. I haven't listened to the Shins for so long. They bring back all these memories i'm subtly trying to forget. The concert in Asheville is 18+ though... but Sandi said we can get dad to call.

Everyone knows that everything I type on my blog i would share with everyone any ways, right. Sandi and I were talking about this today with her live journal. I'm not hiding anything. Actually I am, I hide a lot but late at night I slip under my covers with my laptop on my lap and i'm really happy. A few people I don't hide with and they know who they are.

I just reread my entire blog. It took awhile. Matt read it, which made me want to make sure I said nothing on here that I shouldn't have. I didn't change anything. Their are a lot of small typos in here. I'm sorry. You know what i'm trying to say, spell check automatically changes things. ;) I ... love how Matt read it. I found this brilliant new song tonight. It played on the OC on Thursday. (lets see five days until i'll be there)(!) Brendan Benson... What I'm Looking For. I searched for awhile to find a free download I wanted it so badly. Download If you save the page as an MP3 then you can load it on itunes. So now its on my ipod! I'm so handy. Oh Yoko is always stuck in my head. I blame Keith.

I got in an argument with Ryan during second period... ok not an argument. A friendly discussion (unlike the ones i have with Samantha about legalizing pot) about the meaning of Fire and Rain. I promise you his friend died, while Ryan thinks she just checked out of the hospital. I'm looking it up now. Oh! the other site Georgia turned me on to last night. Ah, me being a music geek. OC music have fun. YES! i think i'm right! Look! She did commit suicide! Holy shit i'm cruel.

James Taylor makes me think of the long talks we would all have in Canada. Driving from one end of the island to the other arguing about his heroin addiction.

Last year my parents found this spot about a mile from the road. My dad brought me to it one night and we walked under these huge trees until we came looking out upon the water. A small clear pool lay under this old willow tree. Starfish sat in the water, and a huge mountain hung behind us. As we always do me and dad talked about trust, and the odyssey, boys, this old rusty pole was stuck in the rock so if you wanted to swim you could climb in holding on to it. The water was shallow at low tide and I kept sliding down it, getting better and better each time. Sure it was childish but i didn't care and I don't care now. We talked for over two hours next to the bright blue water that we were basically standing on. Once in awhile I would stand up and we would jump across a few rocks. I attempted to climb a tree a few times, but yet we still talked. These are one of those memories you try to tell a hundred times. It was one of the most content memories i have. I understood life for a few moments there. It left as quickly as it came, but it was there. You don't believe me? Then don't, I didn't want to ever leave after that day. That day is the reason I have to go back to that island. I've grown up so much since then. I have to keep saying that but its true. This year was such a step up. Now I feel like it was useless to explain that memory to all of you. (you? who are you anymore) It was such an important moment the only way I can describe it is if I half brush it off. Does that make sense?

I'm scared now. I have things to lose, have I told you that already? Suddenly I care more than I should.

Can I tell you all something very very dumb. I'm very scared about the end of Math Class. I think only us six really get it. Not to block out everyone else, that's not what its like. Its us six sitting in the annex Thursday with no teacher. Michael plays absentmindedly with the blinds cord as usual. It wrapped around his finger as he pulls it back and forth. I lie in the corner of the big couch. I'm curled up and messing with my hiking boots. Josh sits across from us slowly cursing under his breath. A few weeks ago our entire class got in a 'debate'. We do Mathletes sheets every week, I had rounded to the nearest hundredth instead of the tenth. I had done this on two different problems. They were correct just had an extra number on the end. I was defending my argument of why I should get full credit. Dru and Nate were both bribed by me to go on my side while Michael fought tooth and nail against me. I usually don't pull a Samantha and start screaming at the class. I didn't quite. Instead I just told them this was stupid very loudly and told David that I would hate him forever if he didn't give me full credit. The next day the argument continued. That time I ended up glaring at Michael while Josh repeated himself with his one argument. "Fuck you." I ended up getting half credit. It's to much effort to care still. Ah lunch, Nate locking the keys in the car. The mints at Chinese 35. Dru and I pestering David endlessly about his alleged affair with Leon. And as Dru likes to remind me constantly the time I called David "Hot and sexy," On accident, I swear I swear! After Dru added "No Rebecca just dreams about teachers." Thanks Dru! David if you haven't realized is our teacher, but as we tell him he can never love a class as much as us ever. We are so cruel to the poor man but we love him more than anything. He lets us be us in a way no other teacher can. The thing is once in awhile we do learn, in-between Michael complaining and explaining. "Let me just show you," "No Michael David can do it just fine." Nate playing paper football on his calculator, Dru and I giggling, and Josh cursing. Our dumb plans of how we are going to fake confusion at the next postulate. The way we fight one extra point on a test. And the reminder that we will never have us just us again after this year. I attempt to draw perfect circles on the board, before Dru and I give all the guys pleading looks as we beg to borrow their calculators. Dru and I doing our homework in the bathroom before class. My lack of being able to be quiet when I laugh. Begging to read Monday Notes and me always drinking David's black coffee.
Thursday it was like how it used to be when David neglected us for that short period of time. Michael is still playing with the cord as i'm showing off my fencing bruises to Nate. Dru is off near the cubbies with Henry listening to Pearl Jam on his Ipod. She soon comes over and I launch in to some story about my life. I reasure everyone I know what basketball team is playing what team this weekend though secretly I have no idea. Michael begs me to come to the volleyball game again and I want to go. Josh is still cursing and before I know it Henry is lying on the top of the couch with his clogs very near my head. I laugh as Henry stands up again brushing himself off. He soon sits on the couch across from us as Dru looks out the window and points 'Oh! hot people!" I stand to see Aubrey and Sho. Nate wraps on the window and we all duck as a unit, soon realizing that was dumb we all sit up again. Dru and Michael start to argue about French and I sigh, turning to Nate about Spanish homework. We both realize we should do it before its due in about an hour. Soon all of us are sitting still. None of us have anything to say. Henry pipes up with the only thing he can... 'Kemps?" We all groan. Dru and I smile, there's no point in playing any ways. We always win. Josh and Nate always lose and Henry and Michael are close contenders. Our Kemp playing days have been long over. We sat for a few more moments until Michael says, "You all have to talk to me after I leave this year." Of course we will , we reasure him though we can't be certain it will be true. We go around asking each person if they are staying or not. No one knows for certain. Things that are certain scare us. We are certain though that goofing off with a few smart kids is kind of fun. I hate how much I enjoy this class, this group of people. My small ramblings was my way to attempt to tell you what we do in the Annex for forty five minutes everyday. Thursday we all decided we wanted to only eat lunch with each other. We ran down to the school store and stalked up on Peanut M&M's and Chips Ahoy. Were all ready to have our picnic lunch when Nancy comes in. Her face is harsh and we quickly stash the food in our pockets. We are sent out and as we gather our back packs we slowly head back to the main building. I hand out the M&M's any ways.

The play at DSA was quite fun last night. Fowlers was fun, Blueberry lollypops kind of gross. Matt? phobia about germs. haha. besides that he's great. But seriously the lollypop tasted really bad. Georgia? felt awkward. Nina freaked out a tiny bit before we headed to fowlers. I for one had a fine time. ;) So I guess I have a boyfriend now. I mean yeah. I'm slowly getting over my commitment phobia because i'm realizing its not that bad. Actually it can be kind of nice. Really nice. Hm boyfriends aren't that bad. :) Chai lattes are brilliant, brilliant. I wish I was english. Or something super cool like that. I am so tired. Its so funny, I don't want to go to bed because then I have to brush my teeth and play my song and take my contacts out... but I don't really want to type anymore either. I hope you guys have fun reading this mess of my life.

I really look up to those who went to Fayetville today, Fort Bragg I think. Maybe not, they unlike the rest of us lazy slobs are marching against this war. All i'm doing is preaching. Damn president...

There

2005-03-19T12:24:00.000-05:00

I'm at Mad Hatter and Mark is sitting right across the room from me. He is wearing this gray sweatshirt with a silver pot leave on the black. His jeans are rolled up to be capris and his shoes are maroon and blue. He is sitting across from this girl who i've seen around Durham. Mark's glasses are wonderfull. He's eating eggs i think. I keep attempting to stare at him. I'm failing. He is right there... a table is inbetween us. Those people keep giving me strange looks. I love it.

Rain

2005-03-16T21:10:00.000-05:00

I've turned off all the lights and the only source of sight it from my power cable connected to my computer. My speakers are playing on shuffle and the music seems like its coming from the room. I can't see the speakers in the dark. I don't know exactly where i am compared to my bookshelves but i'm calm. It doesn't feel like Wednesday. Rain does that to you. I wonder if I have homework. If I do I haven't done it. I stand up to close the window but its not open. I've been waiting to think all day.
My classes were repetitive and though the day was cold and rainy all i wanted was to be outside. I walked to the library without my coat second period and again during lunch. I liked the idea of it.
I cunningly got Nate and I able to go to a special spanish study during silent reading. I asked with a pleading look on my face while expressing both Nat and I are failing. Our teacher agreed after telling us"'we will have to see how far we get." Fifth period is dance. About forty five minutes in to the class we are told we can go freely. Both of us smile and run to get our shoes on. I for one enjoy the long walk to spanish class. I wore my boots today, as they were lying on my floor and looked wonderfully comfortable. We walked out of the center building and I rejoiced at our cunning for a few moments. We will head to spanish, of course we will, just in a few minutes. As we walk towards the main building i stop. For once i'm carrying nothing in my hands and I stand to stick out my tongue. Nate laughs and says "I haven't done that since i was five"
"Well Nate," I insist "I'm five in heart." He smiles and keeps walking until he realizes i haven't moved. I'm still standing with my tongue out as the rain falls harder and harder on my jacket. Nate joins me, then I run up a little bit towards that annex. I stand again trying to find the optimal rain falling spot. Nate follows me as I run from one place to the next. Attempting and attempting to catch more and more on my tongue. I know i look dumb, but I don't care. No ones around and this is unusual for our campus. Its a small campus but a busy one. No cars are driving by and no kids are flailing themselves out in the sunlight. I get bored of that spot and Nate turns to me. "There has got to be a better place." I nod and soon run towards the pavement next to the quaker dome. I'm way ahead of Nate who has hesitated. He follows anyways though.
As i'm hopping in place I look at him. "You didn't have to follow me you know."
"I know, but I don't want to walk all the way to Spanish alone."
"all right, whatever."
I find the perfect place then test the wind. This way... I stand facing a huge tree that borders the sidewalk one takes when they go to the gym.
We both stand for awhile. I don't want to move. The rain hits my tongue every other drop. It lands in my eyes more, but they are tightly closed. The wind is coming at me but my big green coat is keeping me warm. My boots are sopping wet but as they are boots I don't mind. The rain falls and falls harder and harder. Nate keeps glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. He is trying to be as inattentive as me, he's trying really hard. I'm laughing at my own stupidity. Still tonight I have this clear image of the rain falling past the tree right towards me. The parking lot loom's ahead while the main building is to are left. Nate stands looking cold off to my left and no one is around. When i look down on the pavement the rain is gathering at a small down hill where they have a gutter. The water twists and turns around our feet. My hair is really wet now though I didn't notice. I laugh one more time and Nate jerks his head towards the spanish room and laughs. I nod, "That was definitely the best spot."
"Wasn't that great?" I say to Nate as we start our slow journey out of the rain. The next thing out of Nate's mouth surprises me "Now, whenever it rains I will always think of this," I let him go on "twenty years from now it will rain and I will think about this and remember it... and that girl Rebecca." I'm monetarily stunned honestly. I slow down a little ... "Exactly," I know he's trying to be nice and flirt with me so i say back "And I will always remember that kid Nate."
He smiles at my response then says "That smart math girl." I roll my eyes. " Um Nate that basketball kid."
Nate turns to me as we walk in the door. "well I like smart math girls." I respond with the only thing I can "Basketballs not to bad either."
I thought I had lied. I thought I wouldn't remember. That's because I was to busy remembering the last time it rained. Friday, walking around outside Toreros. Which is quite a nice memory. Even better than this one. But I couldn't stop thinking about the way the rain fell right on my tongue at that certain spot.
I don't usually forget when things happen in the rain. When I was eight we stayed in the house next to Nina's. The old house on Wilit Road. Even now its described as that... "The house on Willit Road." It was pouring rain and we went outside to dance, naked in the rain. We were to scared to step off the porch though we kept daring each other. I bet she doesn't remember. I remember everything about that house perfectly. The lightning was so loud as we danced on the wooden porch. I think it ended in tears as most good things do. Or last year the first dance, where the fire alarm went off and we all ran outside to the quaker dome. That's the night Louise attempted to kill herself. I read this thing about it today... i'm being vague on purpose... suddenly i got it. The rain was coming down hard and all the kids ran for shelter. I remembered it as the best dance i'd ever been to. The pouring rain during math class. Running to the main building to the annex between classes. The bridge overflowing and having no way to get to the library, and the small idea that you don't actually have to do anything when it rains. Instead you fool your brain in to the thought that you don't have to work when it rains, its an excuse to sit for awhile. The smart math girl doesn't mind a little rain. As my mom says, "My grandmother used to say, your not made of sugar. Your not going to melt."
Nate and I took about five extra minutes to get our backpacks and walk all the way down to spanish. We walked as slowly as we could.
Once we got a little closer I dropped my backpack promptly on the ground. I stood to stick out my tongue again before sighing. The moment was over. I wouldn't be able to find a better place. Nate picked up my soaking backpack from the ground. The light blue was darker. "It's wet," Nate stated
I laughed then cursed. "My cell phone" I shrugged
"Well," Nate said ,"Maybe you're going to have to get a new better one now."
"Ah, your an optimist."

During Spanish class i beat Nate 2 to 1 in tic tac toe. This morning I beat Sam R. twice.

When we got in spanish class Kirsten gives us a disapproving look. "You guys are so wet!"

"Its really pouring out there."

Hour

2005-03-14T23:11:00.000-05:00

Its an amazing thing when you find the perfect song that matches with the your perfect moment. The minute the song comes on you know that its going to be repeated and repeated as it fits perfectly with not only your mood but that moment. This happens to me a lot. Its the song that I listen to while I do my math homework every night. I sit on the floor in front of my mirror with my speakers on repeat and repeat. These are the songs that I dance to while I brush my teeth, I bounce around my room and they are the reason that's my favorite part of my day. They are the reason I want to write, I want to share how much I love how these songs and feelings coincide. Last night I downloaded Delicate. Not expecting anything I played this song and had to pause as I leaned against my chair. I slowly turned up the volume and sat back. Holy Shit i found the song. I got it at around ten last night. I've listened to it more than twenty times since then.
Last Night I sat at my computer talking to a few people online, the song played in the back round and I cried. No reason, none at all. It wasn't even a real cry really. Just a pause in my life. About two weeks ago we were asked in fifth period to come up with a school memory. I couldn't come up with a good one. When I came home I thought and thought and all I wanted was life to pause for an hour. So I could have an extra hour, just one to finally remember everything. To grab everything and keep it in my mind before it leaves. These past two years have been the best years of my life so far and I want to remember everything perfectly. I was disappointed that I couldn't think of anything. I ended up choosing some random memory of some of my girl friends hanging out in Leon's area. That was because everything this year that I wanted to remember and have remembered I can't explain. I don't want to dwell on them, I don't want to cry in joy or in disappointment. I just want to get through fifth period as easily as I can. I didn't get that hour. I'm still waiting for it.

Its so interesting when you discover something you should have discovered years ago. Or someone. That has happened to me this year, or maybe the timing is right for everything.

A song gets me in a way no other person could.

Sunday was the worst day ever. I got home and collapsed after fencing which is wear Delicate came in. I started Sabre. I didn't want to go to school today. Last night I had no reason to go and no ambition to get out of bed this morning. My dad lured me with coffee. It helped a lot. Delicate was played this morning again as I got dressed. Ben Kweller Lizzy was in my head all day. I kept singing that one line..."Like your momma says... don't let it go to your head." Maybe that was a sign. Saturday night i watched the first have of Dodge ball before my dad knocks on my door at one in the morning. "I can't sleep will you keep me company downstairs?"
I nod
"Something's in my bed, dirt or sand or something." He sighs and slowly turns towards the stairs. The blanket is curled up over his head and he clutches a pillow in his hand. I followed him downstairs. He gets out a bottle of wine and another blanket. We watch Double Indemnity until two thirty in the morning. I admire the woman character and my dad laughs at my impulsive decision to take sides with the woman. She is smarter though, and more powerful than any of the man characters. Yes, she is the villain but she portrays it in such a perfect way.

Today Dru, Jeramie and I were hanging out in the library after school before soccer. Excuse me we were working on our projects in the library after school. As we walked towards the school from the library Jeramie is up ahead as she walks faster than us. All of us our laughing at the great things we had just done. Dru turns to me, "A step closer to becoming the Ghost World girls!" I smile and say "Yes!" and we run to catch up with Jeramie. As it is Pie Day the school handed out cookies and us three ran in to the staff room asking Ida and Debbie for our share. "We were working though," we say as they hand us the plate. Debbie smiles and turns to Dru and Jeramie "Just like you were working in my room?" For some reason I find this really hysterical. Now I'm just laughing at how funny I thought it was. Dru turns to me laughing. "Rebecca, you weren't even there" "I know," I gasp "But I can Imagine." The story was exactly how I thought it would be, it wasn't very funny at all. Now sitting in my bed I don't see what was great.

Ryan/Scott/ maybe Matt might be coming to our game on Thurs. I'm going to strongly discourage Matt from coming I think. Well we just need to get the critical people out of the way ... a.k.a. Sam R. Sam finds me before fifth period all flustered and nervous. He was obviously thinking that I was going to respond to all of his actions today in a different way. I kind of rubbed them off. After soccer Georgia and me well, started to talk in the bathroom. It was filled with younger girls and the minute I started... Sam came up to me... it goes silent. Georgia then proceeds to talk about how many guys like me in a jealous sort of synical way. She has nothing to be jealous of, you would know why if you ever met Georgia. They don't all like me, that's untrue. Trust me we talked about it and added it up. Its not as many as she led on in the bathroom. So now all these girls are going to run to their friends, as I told Georgia everything about my life in that bathroom. After we had finished talking she turns to the people around her..."Now what have we learned about rebecca in this session?" I love Georgia. I love her so much. Their are only a few people I actually stand up for, isn't that sad. Well You can guess probably who they are. Its not that hard, I am the only one who can tease them and I wont let anyone else do the job. I'm not talking about Georgia anymore, she doesn't really need anyone to stand up for her.

Today wasn’t as bad as I assumed it would be. Still waiting on DSA.

Delicate will now be played as I slowly close up my computer. I'll wash my face, brush my teeth and sit for awhile until the song is done. Then, slowly i'll take my contacts out and crawl under my covers. In only five minutes i'll be sound asleep with my song playing in my head.

Delicate

2005-03-13T20:42:00.000-05:00

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

Does it matter?

2005-03-12T16:46:00.000-05:00

Max :how are you holding up?
Herman I'm a little lonely these days

Max: I saved Latin. what did you ever do?

Herman: Kids don't like it when thier parents get divorced.

Herman: She's my Rushmore
Max: I know. She was mine too.

March 12

2005-03-12T16:37:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday March 12 2005. I've just spent the last four hours in Chapel Hill at the planetarium with my little brothers and Dad. My dad left to go have some time and my brothers are downstairs screaming. I haven't written for awhile. I know, some people care others dont. It's not nothing i haven't written for a reason. I've been scared, scared of what i'll write and what others will read. It's become a small block while I sit here knowing who is reading it. Most people I don't care. Honestly I tell them any ways. Other times I find myself pausing and stopping, maybe this is good for me. How much should i be writing? So I found myself slowly stepping away from the blog. I love that people read it, but I decided it would have to end. Maybe not just end but to I don't know step way back and maybe write somewhere online where only the people who find it get to read. The people who make the effort. Wait wait don't give up on me yet. You know me, i'm never serious about stuff like that. This happened Wednesday and by the next morning I found myself itching to write. I can't not, it's an addiction. I'm seriously addicted to this blog. I've tried to find ways around it but I read Jeramie's blog entry about a half hour ago and I had to write again, suddenly. So I haven't stopped. I think about it constantly I try to make sense. But the thing about here is it's just meant to be here. Its solely based on selfish needs of me. I could sit here and write for hours. Its not good for me I know that and understand it. Just i'm going to go with the flow. That is a recurring theme in everything this week. Thank god nothing was planned. I love this movie i'm making for second period about school. I've taken some great pictures. I'm going to post it once i'm done if it works. I also really want to update the blog. Get a new header thing... put in some more HTML code. I've been reassigned to baby-sitting duty. Its nice as i don't have to be online to write. I'm watching Dora the Explorer which is the only place I actually learn spanish. Leo, yes leo is folding clothes and putting them in piles. He cleaned my room yesterday. Woah! My movie looks so cool. Its so sad that I have little anything but my friends in it. Today I called Hannah while Leo was playing in the gift shop of the Planetarium. "Leo, honey you have to put that down don't let it go rolling all around the floor." Hannah on the other line laughs... "You sound just like a mom. Exactly like a mom." Being older than them is so much fun in that way. That I can be the big scary older sister who doesn't get them in trouble but can take care of them. I just wish that Sasha acted more like a brother sometimes. I long for that bond of siblings where you can give each other looks when your parents act up or have some inside joke. Even if you tease each other things like that exist. Me and Sasha don't have that. Usually its him and dad teasing me or us teasing him. Dora and her friends are jumping up and down. Boots is cute. I want them to sing in spanish so I can see if I understand it. At Torerros yesterday nina says "I can't imagine you speaking any other language than English." I told her I know a few words in spanish. One of the other kids is like I can see you speaking French. I was like NO! I would like to learn Italian. Matt turns around a little. "Otis is Italian," No he's not, I say, but he does speak French. Matt:"Oh right he's French." I mentioned my blog yesterday and Matt goes.. "Even I haven't read it." I didn't ask him about it again but secretly I wanted him to ask so I could say something along the lines of "I've mentioned you in it." Dora is over now. I ask Leo if I can listen to my new music. Ok not new music. Take these broken wings and learn to fly... all your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise ... Honestly i've never heard this song all the way through on a CD. I bought it today. The white album. Black Bird Flies... In to the line of the dark black night... This is definitely what I need right now. Wednesday I fell asleep at seven o clock listening to The Blowers Daughter on repeat. I curled up and fell asleep. I'm scared now I have the white album I won't listen to anything else. That's okay isn't it. I love Rocky Raccoon. They are head and shoulders above all other artist, or maybe they are on the same level as Dylan. The Blowers Daughter... I forbidden officially now to see Closer. This song has changed everyone's lives. Well whoever has listened to it. I didn't like it the first time I heard it. Now I can't stop singing it in my head. At fencing on Tuesday I was getting water at the water fountain and as I was leaning down i paused and suddenly plugged my ears. I looked up and said excited "YES!" I turned to Matt who was standing next to the fountain. "don't you hate how you have to listen for awhile to the song that is in your head to get to the chorus until you know what song it is?" Matt gave me a funny look, nodded, then stopped saying "You know I have no idea what your talking about." He laughed. I smiled "Yeah never mind." Fencing was all right... I was really tired on Tuesday. And distracted for various reasons. Um yeah. My mom came home with my brother. He placed third this week out of 22 people. For those who don't know my brother is a Yugio player. One that wins a lot for it too. Georgia's been a really good friend this week. Not like she isn't usually, but i've noticed it more this week. Yesterday at Torerros Nina was awesome. Really great actually, on Thursday after our soccer game Aja drove me home. As we were sitting in a driveway as her mom picked her sister up at a friends house we talked. I asked her who her best friend was and Aja gave me an impressive look. Right, i said, of course Rosa. Aja: "Yeah of course, no matter what she's always my best friend. " I nodded its the same with Nina. I have tons of friends but no matter what she's always going to be my 'best friend" We've past the friend faze now were just kind of sisters or cousins or something where nothing matters that much. Torerros was the first time Matt had seen me and Nina together. We were worse than him and Ryan. That's sad isn't it. We would interrupt each other and knew what they were thinking. We don't breath... we just kind of talk as a unit. I miss Dru. We watched the game during sixth yesterday. I attempted to be a good UNC fan. Michael complimented me on it later. I was trying really hard to be good at it. We won by three points or something. As we were walking to spanish Nate says "How did you enjoy watching basketball Rebecca?" *double lives* *double lives* haha georgia knows what i'm talking about. hahahahahahahaha yes its true except not really anymore except well i don't know. The rain was gorgeous yesterday though it was kind of cold... At five thirty I have to walk my dog i bet. Hm wow okay so now i'm going to end but just say that yesterday was really fun... today was kind of fun... and tomorrow will be fun, hopefully. Woah... i've been typing for an hour and still haven't gotten my point across. What I was meaning to accomplish with this entry was that i'm going to work on this blog. I'm going to spend some time writing and wandering around. Sadly enough my life outside of the internet is kind of becoming a little more important. So if I don't write for a week i'm not stopping. If I don't write for two weeks i'm not stopping. Not yet, maybe something will change. Just hold on. My entrees will get better and I will actually write soon. Just right now I need to take a small little break from writing every night. I need to sleep, its completely changed everything now that I go to bed at a decent hour. (don't tell my mom i said that :) ) So I don't know what is going to happen right now in my life i'm just kind of taking them as they come. Sweet a new People came. Damn I started saying sweet.

Good Day

2005-03-08T15:58:00.000-05:00

So this teachers an ass. This teacher the big one who can't stand up for you if another teacher doesn't like you. Yeah, that teacher who is so skeptical and old, and doesn't know anything about feelings, or thoughts, or teaching. The teacher who was trying to pull off talking behind my back until I happen to come up behind and Dru just happened to point to me and he just happened to try to cover for himself. Ass... Please let me complain about this for a minute. The rest of my day was awesome actually and this isn't even bad. I just hate this teacher right now, and I have since about November, when he um was just acting like him. Does anyone realize he led me on?!?! He led me on to believe and then as it is Friends School people can't get ahead can they. No, so now he doesn't believe anything and he's trying to cover for the fact that he was really kind of mean to me.

That's all i'm done. Just thought I could complain for a second. So everyone knows what happened at joe's party... which is funny because nothing happened.

Today we went to the PO center to take two different Sex and decision making classes. It was good fun. Especially when two different guys are paying a lot of attention to you. We ended up talking about different things... me and Sam mostly. Jeramie avoided Joe, thats how the story goes. Seventh period was awesome, more guys all hanging around talking to me. Its sad how much I enjoy that. Sam r. was being normal, funny, way to hyper but still cool. But he wasn't acting like an ass, and i'm proud of him for that. And Sam S. idk... we talked... talking is good.

all right i'm leaving to go write Shayna a letter (!). Very good day, very very good day. But i'll write more later today... so stay tuned my friends.

Rasterbate

2005-03-05T17:02:00.000-05:00

Suddenly this site has been getting a lot of attention. I did one awhile back or my brothers. The one of Oliver is falling down but i'll paste it later. I like Leo's better though.

Unrasterbated

Rasterbated

Like it? Any other cool pics I should put up on my wall?

My desk

2005-03-05T16:49:00.000-05:00

Oh wow i'm in a good mood. If only Nina wasn't busy all weekend. I made a list of all the songs that I love listening to. I connect my ipod to my speakers and play it on shuffle. Its the most wonderfull fealing when something that you want to play randomly plays. As if god actually loves you more than anyone else.

Its my desk...

I took this picture last night.

Upward Over The Mountain

2005-03-05T00:39:00.000-05:00

Joe's party woot woot.

Hm what to say on the subject... it was really fun. Red Dragon is scary but Edward Nortan makes up for it. ;) hehe well i was scared with nate so it was all okay. Right.. today I was wearing Spencer H.'s sun glasses. Everyone said they looked better on me. They were like the big ass ones in Almost Famous (god I love that movie) and I looked like a hot rock star. So i'm buying them from him on monday if he likes it or not. I love them. I wore them during settling out and spencer kept whispering in my ear "No one is noticing you." I turned to him. "Everyone is noticing me Spencer."

Soccer was great. Really really great. I stopped Sarah and Dru once in awhile. Molli told me that I can't not talk about myself in five minutes. She said it to make me mad... later she told me she swore it wasn't true. I've been thinking about it since then. I can, I can talk about other people. Don't think that I don't. Because I really do. God, I make such an effort to listen to other people. Even if it doesn't show.

I'm listening to Say It Ain't So right now... Weezer... I love them. I'm going to their band site right now. Oh i love Rivers. Haha... is so brilliant. Like father step father the sun is drowning in to ohhh yeah yeeeeah yeah yeah .... do do dum dum dum do do say it aint so woo...

God i'm in a weird mood. I drank a tiny bit of coke at the party but I'm so tired its not going to take affect. And by tiny i mean like a quarter of a glass. That doesn't really count does it? Oh Wonderwall is playing now... Ryan Adams version.

We had a soccer game Thursday. On the bus, Georgia, Dru, and I all took out our ipods. I'm actually using my dads as mine is broken. Georgia switches her Ipod for mine. She plays me her favorite Iron & Wine and I play her some Ben Kweller. Her ipod has a blue cover. The bus was really loud so the volume was at the very highest. And the music blocked out the voices of the bus full of girls. Upward Over the Mountain is playing and as i look around me It's the perfect soundtrack to the motions. Nothing should have moved. The song should have gone on forever and everyone should have been exactly as they were. I see my life as movie, as If everyone is watching me. Time stood still for a second, just that time when I was listening to that song and life kind of moved around me. I wasn't moving with it anymore.

all right I have to sleep. I'm tired Friday thank the lord. I have this huge fucking bruise from fencing. Its so big. It hurts a lot. I We were doing sprints in soccer and as we were running to the half way my foot fell wrong, snapped in a loud way and Allie fell on top of me. All the girls continued to run and Dylan shouts out "Man down, Don't run down Rebecca." My foot still hurts. I got up and ran on it again thinking I should finish my sprints. That was dumb wasn't it? David and Audrey are here. That should be fun. I'm actually kind of excited about tomorrow. It should be good.

Wow my brothers just woke up. I’m so glad i’m not the parent.

Geometry

2005-03-02T17:54:00.000-05:00

My biggest fear last year was that life couldn't get better it had to get worse.
I kept talking bringing up that fear last year, I would have had an amazing day and I would come home and explain... Things have got to get worse. Something terrible is going to happen. Then things got better and better last year. One after another of perfect wonderful things. Humans are brought up to know that happiness can't last forever. The world is a terrible, terrifying place full of tragedy and heart break. We have to learn that, and I tried to prepare myself. And things did get worse. Not at first, but gradually things happened that got in my way. Disappointments that being me i shoved off. Maybe this is a weakness or a strength. I can't quite tell. I try to turn things around. It's interesting when you think something is going to happen and it doesn't. Dealing with that disappointment. Even if its something small, like, expecting someone not to be so self centered and then they prove you wrong. Or bigger things, i don't know. I was disappointed a lot this year. I didn't let on much I think. Adam when I was talking to him yesterday says..."Well, why didn't you talk to me about it if you were upset?"
"Because I thought it would go away."
"That didn't really happen did it?"
"No, It kept being brought up and it wouldn't go away."
"Well I could tell you were upset"
So maybe some people can tell. Maybe I just fool myself in to thinking they can't. When I don't do well on something i get embarrassed. As if I have to show people that nothing can effect me. I work around the tuff stuff. i don't have that much to complain about really. Who's known me this year knows the few things that made my life worse. School issues, people, friends, yearbook, play (god dammit! seriously fuck all of that), adam i guess. But I look back on it now and I can't help but sigh in a disapproving way. I hate when people blame you for feeling sad by saying that people out there are starving or being beaten. Those people don't get it do they. Yes, my life is better than more that half the worlds. My life is probably better than 98% of everyone else's. But I still have every right to be miserable. Don't take away that pleasure. My dad says i lack stoicism. He told me this about a month ago when I went running with him and complained the entire time. But dad, I tried to tell him, I have to complain or I can't get through the running. Since then he likes to remind me that i'm not stoic at regular intervals. I can't disagree with him. I'm definitely lacking in the stoicism department. Back to my first point. Humans lives are awful. Most of the time I don't see why people put up with it. The reason is that you take the good with the bad. Mostly the good outweighs it. Yesterday was the first day in a very long time that i told my self something terrible is going to have to happen. Everything I brace myself waiting for the blow to hit, so when it does i feel as little pain as possible. Now i'm scared i'm harsh with people. My two personalities clash... one being scared of the pain in life.. the other believing you live once you better embrace it.

Kate Winslet should have won the oscar.

I was reading the journal i just finished last night for the first time. My personalities kept changing. I love this life is great to half a page later. My life sucks i'm having a break down. I laugh at my multiple personalities.

Krazyhippie007: the thing i like about u reb is u can say ur complaining and everything can be going crazy in ur life but ur always happy anyway

Henry's right I'm always pretty much just happy.

Snow is such an amazing thing. Today these huge flakes fell down on the soccer field as we were playing. Everyone got still and quiet just to watch for a minute.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was in this brilliant mood and my mom had just sent me to bed after I had talked to her and dad for about a half hour. At around twelve my dad walked in with me writing in my journal. "Hey, Look i'm channeling all my hyper energy. I'm not on the computer." My dad looks at me. "Hey, of course you have every right to be excited you had a really great day. Just, enjoy it."
"I am"

I almost beat matt in fencing. Almost almost almost. God I was up the entire time and hahahaha it makes me happy that I almost beat him. I could have too but my mind wandered for about half a second. It was tied, time ran out, i got right of way, then he hit me. I have these huge bruises everywhere. It was the best electric fencing match i'd ever done. Hah! Hah HAH! Then the coach later tapped me and told me that i was doing really well in class and that i have the right physical thing or something. Honestly I don't really remember perfectly. Then he was like you really know what your doing out there we hope to get you more personal training and in to competition. So last night I was in this bubbly mood. For other reasons but I'm not going to talk about my entire day. Basically i'm going to go do my geometry homework now. As Henry kindly put again this afternoon...

Krazyhippie007:u have such an interesting life u know

Its just me making small things in to big ones. *sigh* we'll talk later.

Hm..

2005-02-28T22:17:00.000-05:00

I would write tonight but mom is scary.

Cupcakes

2005-02-27T00:39:00.000-05:00

Do I start from the beginning or write the beginning last?
Why is this always a problem for me? I only have a little while to type. Spending the last hour sitting in Mad Hatter while strangers keep giving you looks because your eyeliner is slowly dripping down your face is kind of trying. I'm not tired, I'm just ... just... I just need to talk. Okay.. so now i sound like the bitchy teenager right? The one who's sentimental and cries at everything, who's life is so rough and no one understands. Well that's who I am, so read on if you care. Actually my life isn't rough, My life is actually far from it. As we were walking inside tonight me and my dad were standing at the gate outside our house. "But I can't be an artist," I persisted "My life isn't rough, I don't suffer." My dad looks at me as he swings the gate open. "No, you suffer because you're an artist. That's the difference."

I guess I'm writing the beginning last.

What can I say about this, about me sitting here night after night. Its eleven, I want to sleep soon but I don't want to leave. Jeramie just called me. I wish I could talk but for some reason it's not worth the effort right now of my mom coming in to get mad. We're driving back from the indian restaurant today and she turns to me, "I like how you wrote on your blog that "My mom told me to go to bed an hour ago." The minute she says this fear plummets through me. I don't think about what I write, is this a weakness in my character? I haven't thought until about five hours ago that my mom was reading this. Sounds bad doesn't it. I don't care, honestly I think it's nice she spends a few moments here once in awhile. I just wrote a different ending to that sentence but had to erase it because it sounded cynical. I don't mean it in a cynical way. But mom, I just want you to know I don't want to think about what I write. Yes i'm publishing this for the entire world to see but i'm not going to think about it, okay? So please read it, I love that. Just mom, unless your praising me can we not discuss what's said here. We can, the small things but not really. Just for you, anyone else well kids that is please feel free but mom, can this be on boundary we don't cross? At least you read it, compared to dad who preaches and lets me talk about it but doesn't read it. I don't think he means it in a bad way he just doesn't want to because its my space. Or he doesn't have time, either one honestly i'm fine with. Mom, I guess it's okay you read it too. Parents, god dammit. This is a broad subject isn't it. I'm to tired to talk about that now.

This is reminding me of the guy on the shins message board. He had his live journal, he was the reason I started my blog honestly. I haven't been there forever. Times change don't they. Well he reminded me of Matt, which now freaks me out a little. But in a good way I think.

I'm starting with tonight. I saw Adams play. Wow my hair is really really soft. Hang Town Fry, google it you'll find a fair amount. Time flies by doesn't it. I swear it was 10:40 a few seconds ago... but its 11:38. Adams play, well we go today to talk to him about squeezing us in, Me and my dad I mean. Well Adams there and it was after the afternoon performance. He was really happy to see us I think. Well he said he could squeeze us in. We came back at around seven to the theater. It's really gorgeous. Really beautiful. It was in the cooking class room, we all sat down and waited. I ended up sitting the farthest to the left in the front row. Ryan was there, we talked at the drink table and he dropped his sugar packet in to his iced tea. The play was really good. It was really well written, amazingly directed, amazingly acted,captivating,artful,suspenseful, but it wasn't just that. Maybe someone wants to fight me on this one but he writes like me. Adam's play sounds like me, just talking, not the character, no the play the play itself talked. Adam didn't direct it i know that but, it was directed in the way that I would have directed. Half way through I started to cry. It was sad yes, but also because of this of what everything turns in to in life. What has happened? I reached for my water glass and drank a few gulps fighting back the small trickle of tears. I couldn't explain why I was crying. Afterwards while the food is being served I turn around to talk with my dad like we do after everything. As we keep glancing in Adams direction and he was the artist there. And he did such a good job of being the artist. Of being that, or writing this. Can I explain? Maybe not. I'm so tired and not really wanting to talk right now but I am because i'm to tired to write in my journal and sometimes this is the only way to remember. After the play I go to talk to the little group of teachers in the corner, Rachel,Leon,David,Renee. All of my favorite ones, all of them sitting looking up at me. They all enjoyed the play and I asked Rachel if she enjoyed the food, hers was the only plate not completely empty. She looks up at me in the perfect Rachel way says, "I tried it! The eggs were good." Isn't that interesting? The perfect Rachel. Renee looks up at me, "So, Monday I have scheduled a meeting with you and Carrie for Monday afternoon." I stared, "Oh really?" All the teachers are nodding there heads. So Mia, who I talked to when? Thursday has told every other teacher in the about how I was thinking of leaving. All of them want me to stay and to watch them all smiling and having everything else, I don't know Its nice to see people care. My dad and I turned to Adam to tell him it was great. There was no falce ness in our voices. It wasn't because Adam was Adam it was because we thought it was really well done. I asked him about the recipe then my dad left, because he knew he had to. I followed him realizing I didn't have much else to say. Adam seemed to content and as I was leaving he made a point to put the person he was talking to on hold. He looks around and says, "See you monday." I can't even explain how perfect that line was. I don't even want to try, you wont get it. When I went downstairs in the building I did a small little skip. In the parking lot I don't know. Maybe i'll keep the emotional part to myself. The part where we went to Mad Hatter and we talked. I wasn't crying because of what you think, Its because everything fell quickly right then. okay i'm making an ass out of myself. I have to go before I reveal something I don't want to. Can you wait until tomorrow? i can my friends, I can.

Update

2005-02-23T00:42:00.000-05:00

Just in case you cared... I'm still good. :) Its 1 in the morning and I'm talking to my stalker (sorry keith! that is your nickname) and henry about um boy problems. Haha funny how the world works right? I'll write a new entry later... finger crossed on Le Tigre tickets....

Yay

2005-02-22T21:51:00.000-05:00

I'm in a good, no no great wonderfull amazing YES! mood.... hehe

White Flowers

2005-02-22T17:58:00.000-05:00

Soccer season starts again! Were scrimmaging today and the other coach screams right after i pass the ball to Hannah. "FREEZE!" We do, quickly. He then goes on to explain that I should pass the ball to turquoise (jeramie, who was wearing turquoise) to get the other team moving. He then tells Hannah, "Pass the ball back to Mathcounts" Sniggers are heard all around. I can't figure out how he knew, then I remember I'm wearing my Mathcount shirt. God damn it is this who I am? I told you in Ryan's eyes i'm Math Chick. Elliot smith Tribute concert friday! Chris, our music teacher asked me if I was going today. He is, I might, maybe if I want to. Today we had an all school cleanup before the five day break (!) Instead I stood in the hall with both Sams for awhile. Settling out was good fun because I ended up just talking to Sam and Nate about them, and sex ed, and guys. At the end of 7th period I was talking about the Hes Just Not That IN To You book... the one I read at Barnes and Noble last night. I was sitting near Sam and he turns to me and says "Well it's true, were just not that in to you." I was like "I know" After class he stands up and pats me in the back. "A perfect example of that was Me and Georgia," He nods and says "That's the perfect example" I nod. Today was the quintessential CFS day. First period We watched a science movie. Second we actually did have a test, grammar, what fun. Third we played the Monopoly games we made. Fourth period we were assigned to figure out the height of the water tower,gym, and the length of the art studio without crossing the stream. Me and Dru were together, of course, you should learn that by now. And at first we measured the height of the gym and it was the most beautiful day in awhile, and the heat was coming down, but not to hot. And the School was having an outdoor concert. And the sky was so bright, and the shadows so perfect. Me and Dru went down to the middle school field to try and figure out how to measure the art studio. David came over soon and we pestered him like we do. Then Dru ended up climbing a tree and half dancing to the music that was just out of our sight. When David has his back turned and there are about fifteen more minutes of class, I turn to Dru "On the count of three were going to run." She nods and smiles, slowly scooting down the tree. "Ready?" "Chill out we can take as much time as we want." "Dru, come on. One, Two," By two were gone around the back side of the building. Later Leon comes up to Dru, "We need to talk about the last fifteen minutes of Math Class." Leon then laughs and walks away.

I got a new journal. Its pink, large with non lined pages. The front cover has a white piece of paper with dried flowers. The paper is rough, hand made. I chose the one with white flowers instead of pink because I thought it made the journal sad. As if the flowers had lost their color, which I bet they had. What good art isn't heartbreaking?

Truth or Fire

2005-02-20T01:44:00.000-05:00

Shit... Listening to Jewel again... My mom told me about an hour ago to sleep and not blog. Psha so much for that.

Before I continue on my thread about religion i'm going to just talk. I need that tonight. You don't hate me do you? For reading what I wrote? I'd hate me, I just reread it, It's true but heartless and not very considerate. Read it with an open mind okay? And don't judge me completely on that even though i bet you already have.

Can I just say this post isn't very philosophical....

Oh wow I just realized i'm going to have to finish my religion talk tomorrow morning. Or i guess later today. ;) Its kind of late now and I'm way to tired to think.

Can I rant about the last day though... huh... um Friday was good fun. Adolescent Issues forum! Pat, the old head teacher came in and talked about teenage stereo types. It was actually really interesting, I was surprised at how well she held my focus.

You Make me Feel Like A Natural Woman... It's not me its a hologram, its not me its a hologram...

On the O.C. on Thurs. This song was played at the beginning. I bought it on itunes...Sam Roberts-No Sleep. I think I like it. It's weird. I felt very cool when i bought it. Georgia also turned me on to this song... Walking with a ghost-Tegan and Sara. I really like it, a lot a lot. So Lets see... Friday i skipped settling in to help out with the yearbook staff. Samantha bitched at all of us for awhile.

Oh! So this dream I had was about our school. Except it had levels and the lowest one was a sweat shop. Hannah really really liked Nate and she told me and I told him, and I also told him to not like her back. I don't know why because I didn't like him, i just didn't want hannah to like him. But Nate liked her but was respecting me so he pretended he didn't. Drama drama... I came in to school and kept asking Hannah, are you sure you don't like Nate? Are you sure? It was so real, everyone had their little quirks, little nods of the head. Ok that doesn't really matter does it. Friday at lunch I hung out with Nate and Ryan on the benches. Both being really cool actually. I'm sad that Nate and Sam are going to start going to the gym again once their suspension is done on monday. I'm going to miss talking with them, Nate especially, it was a place to talk to him if you know what I mean. Sam you can talk to whenever I guess. Aja,Sam,Sam,and Joe were all in Toni's room being as I stated, Ajar,Sam,Sam, and Joe. Most of you know what I mean. Hm I went home with Dru. Well first we went to Oo La Latte and this older black man was sitting at the counter. Dru was trying to figure out what to get and she turns to me and says abruptly "Hey!" and I respond "Hey!" and the man turns and says "Hey!". Dru and I look at each other and crack up. The man says "Everyone was saying it, I thought I should join in. Hey!" Me: Hey! Dru:Hey! Man: It could be a new rap, Hey! Hey! Hey!
A man walks in to the coffee shop. The Man turns to him, throws his hands in the air and exclaims "Hey!"

A Soldiers Story was what the play was called. Dru and I went after jumping around my room listening to music for four hours. We missed the first few minutes because of me finding a shirt. The play was good, but honestly I was looking around more than paying attention. I was searching for DSA people i knew, because that makes me feel powerful you see? After the first half Matt waved to me and came over. We stood there awkwardly for a few minutes, me, Matt, Dru, and Georgia. Then we kind of walked outside so Georgia could finally meet ryan. Hm Ryan didn't really talk. Matt was really really sweet though the entire time. He talked to me in the hall and then asked us to sit with him. The second half I kept looking over and smiling at him. Though the four guys were behind us and they kept whispering and being loud, so us three girls would put our heads in and start talking. Georgia: Omg matt is awesome! go for it! Me: ah, we'll discuss this later, Ryan is cute though. God were such girls. *sigh* but it was really fun actually, and the play was really well done. Afterwards Matt comes up to me and says "So guess what i'm doing tomorrow night!" And i asked what, and he told me about baby-sitting for 6 hours. I don't think he's ever come up to me and told me something like that. I'm always the one doing that. Hm.. That makes me really happy that he said that. When we were leaving we went to go say goodbye to the group of guys Matt looks at me and holds out his hand. "Come on, a hug?" He smiled. So I hugged him, which wasn't weird, it never is, never has been just hm.... not going to say anything else. When we got back in the car georgia spazzed. I mean spazzed completely. Hell yeah, she had just met Ryan, have you read their IM conversations? huh I have!

Ryan, not that one the other one called Georgia and they talked for an hour while I sat online and talked to the other Ryan. We got out Charlottes yearbooks and looked up everyone. Its weird how girls are more comfortable in confined spaces. We ended up moving to the bathroom to talk. We just sat on the tile floor talking for about two hours.

Today we went to the guys Basketball game championship. Georgia's Dad drove us to Raleigh and when we walked in Ajar didn't seem to happy to see us. We cheered hard we promise. Though we cheered louder than everyone else we still lost by... lets just say a good amount. I hated to see them upset though. The fourth years have worked so hard for this, and most of them, ok Sam and Nate, basketball is there life. I'm so sorry guys, that's all I feel like I can say. I'm so sorry, it sucks so much. The bus followed Georgia's car and we kept waving at the guys. They all were really upset. Second isn't as good as first. Never will be.

Finding Neverland was the perfect movie to see tonight. I cried at the end. Not bawling, just tears kind of dripping down your face. From about 5-9 the place outside the movie theater in the mall is filled with middle aged people and white high school kids. At nine The cops come in and the place is an only black scene. Welcome to Durham...
In the car driving home we Nina and I couldn't stop laughing... Nina turns to me and says "Do you know what this woman was doing. She was walking along in this buisness suit in the dark with her cell phone." I looked at Nina completely serious. Her hand motion was annoying and I was tired. "I don't know the answer." Nina cracked up, "Elena!" She says poking her sister "Did you hear what Rebecca just said?" Then Nina repeated the conversation adding a lot more facial expressions. We all were laughing at this time. I don't really remember why. I turn to Nina "Its like the time that you saw the bumper sticker. The Why do we kill who kill people to show that killing people is wrong! And you told Eliza, after she read out the," I pause I can't stop laughing now. I can't talk instead i'm rocking slowly in the back seat. We all are actually. "Ok after she read it out you say, you say, you say, I don't know," We didn't stop laughing until we walked in the house five minutes later.

So much human interaction, now i'm playing Truth or Fire with Henry and Grace in a chat. I ducked out though because I was tired of typing and I wanted to finish this up. Also because its 1 am on a saturday night and I think it's a little sad i'm playing Truth or Fire. Ok really really sad.

Molli- If you read this... Thank you so much for saying that stuff about the blog when you thought it was only georgia there. Holy shit that made my day I promise you! We can talk later okay? huh thanks though it was really great. Really really great.

Keith - Yay about your game! Thats awesome! Good Job! Do you guys have championships? You might have told me but I forget at this moment. Well i miss talking to you... I keep playing the rivers song over and over. I'm getting attached. I'll reply actually to your comment tomorrow. Way to tired to actually be social now though.

well goodnight everyone... Thanks for letting me just ramble about my life. I know everyone cares about everything i'm doing. Hm my back hurts. I don't really want to leave anymore but I guess I have to. huh have fun.

Neighbors

2005-02-17T23:59:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in my kitchen, with my feet up on the kitchen table. I'm wearing my soccer shin guards and soffee's. My dad's huge sweatshirt/jacket thing is on me, and it's really very warm.

I can see myself in the window across from me. Hm you can guess what I’m thinking. We live about 40 feet away from our neighbors. Their kitchen is right across from ours. When it's dark outside and the light is on you can see everything clearly. Someone's over at their house, a woman shorter than the both of them, wearing a black turtleneck. Bigger than both of them too. She's drinking a glass of white wine, and stands against the counter. Our neighbors on the other hand are leaning against the counter. Everyone looks distressed, not happy or excited. Jean pulls the visitor with a small glance towards the dining room. They're gone now but the kitchen is spotless. A saltshaker is next to a large bottle of Tabasco sauce. Jean just walked in, put down a can of seltzer, left again and then walked up the stairs to their extra bedroom. I can tell because the lights follow her. I don't let them ever see my life. My blinds are always closed, shutting even the most innocent out.

I'm really cold.

The lights aren’t off though I know Jean came down about 3 minutes ago.

It's my father's birthday.

So, while I was randomly bored...

I found out why it's cold. My window is open again. I need to get that fixed.

.... I went to the American Idol site to find out more about the 24 contestants. No laughing, my mom makes me watch it with my brother for family bonding. Though I’m not going to say I don't like it. Whoa my parents just got home from dinner. They got home at seven... seriously I don't talk to my family anymore. The babies are screaming "Daddy, Daddy, we made you cards! Daddy, Daddy!" Ok well I was on the American Idol site looking at the contestants. If you click on each picture it will tell you something about the contestants. A little Q and A session of you know what I mean. You can check it out; well I was highly disappointed in them, the contestants. The last question is 'Who is the first person you would thank if you won'. They all thanked god. All accept 3 people. Ok four. I'm not going to turn this in to a religious bashing because bashing people's religion and faith is one of the worst things you can do. But honestly at first I wasn't excited when I read those. For someone like me who has been thinking about religion very seriously for the last year, I don't know. In my opinion putting faith in to god like that, so you've won American Idol and you believe that it's because of god, that he is going to be the first person you are going to thank. Just hear me out okay? This is how my mind works. So whenever I would click on another face I would be disappointed when I would see god down at the bottom. I believe so little in god, or in putting all your faith in one thing that it's hard for me to even imagine someone else feeling that way. I know people do, just reading those things bothered me too much. Nina thinks I don't go to midrasha because I hate it. I do hate it, its pointless, but also I don't believe anything anyone is saying. That's the reason i'm not being religious. ...coldplay, pause and sigh.... I find that everything is bullshit. Now that sounds shallow, saying that everything is bullshit... ok I agree its not all bull shit. Just a very large percentage.... ok a percent. the blowers daughter, again, pause and sigh..... But, whatever is thrown at me my mind makes ways of rebutting it. As if my mind won’t let me conform. Which is stupid of me I bet. That I can't let myself hear arguments for things like religion. But I firmly know that I don't believe that one person can tell me what to do with my body, or my mind. I live once, why would I give that up to someone else, or spend my entire time on earth thinking about the next time I’ll be here, or where I’m going later. I believe in souls, I believe in reincarnation, I believe that sitting in silence clearing your mind is the best way to achieve happiness.
Besides that I don't know what I believe yet. I salute Judaism because Jews focus on living instead of death. I love our rabbi, I love the synagogue, I love being Jewish. I wouldn't trade it for the world. We party more, we enjoy life, but I can't conform in that way. Sitting, listening to the Jewish Rabbi talk about kabala I’m disappointed in the traditions. Other people find them amazing and part of their culture, I find them terrifying. Am I not seeing the whole picture? If I’m not, try to enlighten me. Trust me, in my mind I’ve played out millions of arguments. I'd like to hear more. Buddhism, Hinduism, and Judisum are my favorites i guess, i'm somewhere in-between. I don't believe in nothing, I just not quite believe in anything either. I guess that's classifies me as an agnostic, but I don't want to be called one. I know i don't believe in nothing, but i know i don't believe in certain any things. Am I losing you? Hang on... I’m almost done.

Ok can we put this on a pause maybe?!? It's taken me about 4 hours to write this on and off and my mom is making me sleep. I'll continue later... i promise. This isn't edited either. But it will be. Just hang in there please? I'll edit it and add on...

-Rebecca

Lunch

2005-02-17T21:57:00.000-05:00

On my way (4 times)

I would like to reach out my hand
ombe seyo ombe tell you to run
bobode see bobodeyam
Well Pick me up with golden hands
ombe seyo ombe tell you to run
bobode see bobodeyam

Well i would like to hold my little hand
we will run we will, we will crawl we will
(2 times)

send me on my way (7 times)

Repeat 2 times

Wes and Owen

2005-02-16T23:08:00.000-05:00

Ethel: Well, I don't think it's very intelligent to keep an electrical gadget on the edge of the tub.
Margot: [in bath] I tie it to the radiator.

Ethel: How long have you been a smoker?
Margot: 22 years.
Ethel: Well I think you should quit

Eli: I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum.
Royal: Me too, me too

Richie: You dropped some cigarettes.
Margot: Those aren't mine.
Richie: They just fell out of your pocket

Royal: [Points to Henry] He's not your father.
Margot: Neither are you.

Breakfast Club

2005-02-16T23:07:00.000-05:00

The problem is I can't listen to a song all the way through. Whenever it gets near the end I have to go on to the next song. My mind doesn't work in the waiting way. See like now, I love Beulah but I can't reach the end of their song because I have to go on to death cab. My hands are shaking a little and I don't know why. Everything is just folding on top of each other. I don't even know what i'm writing, I'm just trying to get out as much of my thoughts before I have to take a shower. I feel really pretty right now. Inside i'm exploding. I promise you, exploding. Which is really dumb. So I started saying dumb, which is really really dumb. So in Mathletes? I scored worse then 50 people... out of 200. But nate or the other people didn't either so its all good. God I have to tell about athletes sometime. I will, just not today. Tomorrow soccer starts but I have to call my fucking baby-sitting people who expect me, my mom is being annoying about everything, but we can talk about that later too. So um yeah, aaa do you understand what's going through my head right now?!?!? No you don't, and again i'm scared its going to end, whatever it is. Tomorrow is adolescent issues... no classes. None of these songs are right... none of them. I'm in one of those moods where I don't want to listen to anyone, except like dru, or georgia, or my dad. I'm jumping out of my skin hyper but so stressed my stomach hurts. It also hurts because of all the dumb things that people are doing. I don't know, i'm a little basket case sitting at my computer at 11 o clock.
That makes me think of The Breakfast Club. I watched that movie for the first time on the way to camp with nina. We only watched the beginning though, and a councilor who played the saxophone looked like the geek, what's his name. Well this councilor, I have this really clear memory of Nina and I salsa dancing in the middle of our cabin. Both of us talking about the councilor, "He's so sexy, I want to have his babies." And were sallying and everyone's laughing and were pretending to play the saxophone and we crack up laughing. I love Breakfast Club. I love it so much, I want to watch that right now. I'm going to fucking rent it this weekend. I promise you, now that I have it on my mind i'm going to rent it. I watched the Royal Tenenbaums again, did I tell you? It was brilliant. That will be another entry later too I guess.
Salsaing reminded me of today. Henry was my party and we were bloody brilliant, let me tell you. Poor Nate made me go sallying during fifth period instead of walking. Well he didn't make me, I was going to go wherever he went and he wanted to salsa dance. So Aubrey is the amazing dance thing, she's about 6 feet tall and blonde and can move her hips like no tomorrow. So, compared to her we were terrible. But I had so much fun, twirling and dancing. Nate didn't have as much fun I think... which sucks because he made me come. Guys doing salsa; very hot. That is the first semicolon I ever used. Hm, I wonder if it's in the right place. That would be really cool if it was.
I really don't like bowlling for soup. Hey guys, Not to be repetitive but don't be shy. Talk to me please! leave a message!
I talked to Shayna today. I love her, I love her so much. Oh wow i'm in such a weird mood. Please forgive this mess right here. I'm scared it's going to leave again. That's how it is, i'm scared it's going to leave and so I need to do something before it does. I wont ever get the chance though i promise you. Watching the DSA play on fri. with Georgia and Dru and oh Matt. Um joy. Actually i'm really excited. Made fudge with Mariah tonight for Emma's birthday. Maybe its sad I really enjoy hanging out with kids two years younger then me. I don't know, they look at everything differently and better.
I miss Brittany Spears, her in her peak of greatness. Even if she could come back like she did with Toxic. I really love that song. Oh god my stomach hurts, I can't tell if it's just because i'm nervous about life or because i'm getting sick.So do you see how i'm rambling on and on. That's because my journal is all filled up! Yes the one I started about a year ago. Written on every single page both sides. If you've ever seen my journal you know it's huge. Seriously huge. I'm so proud you have no idea. Holy shit now i'm crying, not seriously just a little bit. Because everyone's growing up and leaving and I don't know, I think i'm having a break down. A weird break down
I got on Dru's back today during lunch. After school we were sitting outside eating lollypops and Michael came up. It was such a gorgeous day. I was so happy. I came home after watching the 'game' and ran around with my dog for an hour. I feel like i've been home for only ten minutes but i've been sitting at my computer on and off for the last 4 hours.
Back street's back all right... I miss them too. 'Nsync more though. Oh wow oh wow my mind sucks it does. I'm so annoying. God I need to sleep or i'm going to end up spilling some stuff on here that shouldn't be put online. Ow my lips are chapped, where is my blistex. Scrubs was great. Blech... you know i'm really good right now. very very good. I bet that doesn't surprise you anymore.

Window Ledge

2005-02-14T16:57:00.000-05:00

Teacher : Would any one like to share their flowing thoughts journal entry?
(pause)
No one? I love these, was it hard?

Me: No, It was exactly like writing in my journal. Which I do a lot so-

Teacher : Yes, Molli you want to share. (turns to me, lowers her voice a tiny bit) No I don't think its like a journal entry at all.
(Molli Shares. Teacher turns back to me)

Other Kid : I ended up writing about the pencil on top of the window ledge.

Teacher : (nods, still looking at me) Its not like a journal entry because your writing whatever comes to your head.

Me : But that's not, i mea-

Teacher : When I write in my journal its for a specific purpose and a way to get something out. I usually have a subject I write about.

Me : But I don't write in my journal that way. I write whatever comes to my head.

Teacher : Well yeah...